“Alex, what's going on?” My mom's voice joined in. I couldn't believe they were both out there. Was there no privacy in this house?
“She's doing it again! I can hear her!” Again? Had he heard me before?
“What is she doing?” Mom's voice sounded a little panicked. I sat there silently. I didn't know what to do. I was afraid to even flush.
“Throwing up! Puking her minimal guts out! Whatever you want to call it! She ate one lousy cookie I bought her and now she's in there throwing up. She thought I had gone downstairs, I guess. Madison! Come out here!” He banged on the door again. I could feel the tears forming. I couldn't come out! I wasn't finished. I had to finish. If I waited too long, it would be too hard to get it out. I leaned over, trying to be quiet.
“She's doing it again! Listen! Madison, stop it! Now!” My quiet dad was screaming like a maniac. I started crying but
I couldn't stop purging. It was his fault anyway! Why had he brought me that stupid cookie? What was he trying to do to me?
“Alex, this won't help her.” My mom was trying to sound calm. “You know what the doctor said. We have to be calm. We can't turn everything into a big fight.” I knew it! They had been talking to the doctor! No one respected my privacy at all!
“I know what he said! But listen to her in there. One lousy cookie!” Was my dad crying? No, dads don't cry.
“I know. I'm scared, too,” Mom lowered her voice. I had stopped by now and had to turn off the water to hear them.
“Maybe we'll have to take her to the hospital or one of those private clinics. I don't know what else we can do.”
“Shh. She'll hear you. Come on, honey. Just come downstairs. I'll try to talk to her tomorrow.”
I sat on the bathroom floor. My eyes were leaking tears that I didn't want to cry. I didn't know if I was sad or angry or just tired. My stomach hurt but that was OK because that cookie was gone. My chest hurt though, and that wasn't OK. My heart was pounding, making the tears squirt out in rhythm, and my nose started to run. I grabbed some toilet paper and tried to stem the tide but I couldn't stop. How could my dad say something like that? How could he even think about sending me away? All I wanted was to be thin. That wasn't a crime! I had a right to control my body. I had a right to decide what stayed in it and what didn't. It was a choice, a life choice.
No one understood me in this house. I got up slowly and walked to my room. I stopped at the top of the stairs, straining to hear if the discussion was continuing, but everything
seemed quiet. I went back to my room and closed my door quietly.
I sat down at the computer and took a deep breath. I could feel my insides calming down as I looked at the screen and knew that my friends would be there soon.
May 3
Maybe all boys are just stupid. That's what Annie used to say when some guy randomly made one of us feel bad because he didn't fall madly in love with us when we decided to fall madly in love with him. She always told me that it was the guy's loss if he wasn't smart enough to recognize a good thing when he saw it. I think she actually believed it. I sometimes almost believed her, but I also couldn't help but feel that there might just be something wrong with me if no guys were interested in being around me. Over time, I started to figure out that the thing wrong with me was that they were totally turned off by the way I looked. I never said that to Annie though. She would have told me that I was full of crap, or something even ruder, and laughed at me.
When we were kids I used to be able to say any random thing that popped into my head to Annie. We used to have these crazy conversations where we'd start off talking about homework and end up inventing a new type of car that ran on hair gel and had a blow-dryer on the dashboard. Life is less complicated when you're a kid. You don't have to worry about what you're going to be and what you are right now and how you're doing in school and whether the guys like you or whether the girls like you or whether you're good enough
or pretty enough or small enough or tall enough or enough of anything to be worth something. When you're a kid you mostly worry about what time supper is and how to get out of having a bath before bed. When you're a kid, friends don't betray you. At least that's the way I remember it.
But I'm not a kid anymore and life just keeps on getting more and more complicated. Even in this place. I mean, here I am in freakville worrying about some guy! As if I need guy troubles on top of trying to avoid Red and the gang and their protein shakes. I should really be concentrating on getting out of this dump. On the other hand, Wolf is much cuter than anyone else in this garbage heap and it would be nice to have someone interesting to look forward to seeing sometimes. Maybe Wolf didn't ditch me because he doesn't like me. Maybe all guys really are just stupid and can't help it and need to be taught how to recognize quality when they see it. I would imagine if I asked Marina, which I am not going to do, that would be her opinion. She would likely tell me to teach him a lesson. Maybe I just won't talk to him anymore â assuming he tries to talk to me. Maybe I'll just play hard to get and make him realize what a good thing he's missing. Ha. Like anyone stuck in this place is a good thing. Then again, he's here, so maybe beggars can't be choosing, or whatever that saying is. Of course, if that's true then I'm back to being pathetic because if I can't compete with the babes in this place, I don't stand much of a chance back out in the big bad real world. I mean, they're all thin and everything, but they aren't exactly confident and classy like the popular girls in school. Not that I am either of those things either, but I hope that I
might possibly be slightly more interesting than someone who doesn't seem to know how to live her own life.
“Hey.”
I couldn't believe it. There I was, thinking my usual screwed-up thoughts, and Wolf showed up right in the middle of the mess! I hadn't even had a chance to figure out what I was going to do yet! I kept my head turned away from him for a moment and plastered a neutral, yet pleasant, expression on my face, hoping against hope that he wouldn't see through it and figure out that I'd been questioning his brain power. As if I had the right to question anyone's brain power when mine was so obviously lacking.
“Hi!” I said, much too loudly and much too enthusiastically. Not so good at the whole playing-hard-to-get angle.
“So, what'd you think of yesterday?” he asked. “Yesterday?” I asked back, straining my brain to remember yesterday. The days tend to run into each other in this place and words like yesterday and tomorrow stop meaning much.
“The group session?” he reminded me.
“Oh, the group session. Yeah, well, that was OK, I guess. I mean, some of the things they said were kind of interesting. So, what happened to you?” I tried to keep the question casual, like I didn't actually care that he had left me high and dry with a bunch of strangers.
“Oh, sorry about that. I just had to be somewhere.”
“Oh, that's cool. I was just making sure there wasn't anything wrong or something like that. No worries.” Very smooth, if I do say so myself.
“No, nothing wrong. Just needed to see someone.” Someone? A female someone, I bet. He probably had a girlfriend who baked him fat-free cookies and brought them to him in a pretty basket every Tuesday or something.
I couldn't think of anything more to say. There was one of those pauses when the air seems so heavy with silence that it's pressing down on your head and you can't come up with anything intelligent to say. I scrambled around for a brilliant conversation starter, but nothing. I looked around the room for inspiration, but it was pretty bare.
“So.” I used the conversation starter that means nothing and everything all at the same time.
“So, I guess I'll take off. Maybe see you at group tomorrow. I think it's at ten. I'll even stick around this time.” He looked at me for a second and then walked away.
“Sounds like a hot date.” Marina came up behind me as I stood watching Wolf walk down the hall. Even though I had decided not to ask her advice, I was glad to see her because talking to him had only added to the confusion filling my over-worked brain.
“Yeah, right.”
“So are you going to group tomorrow to hang out with the Wolfman?”
“I don't know. I don't really like them much.”
“Ah, but do you like him much?”
“I don't really know. My head seems to have stopped working and I have no idea what to do.”
“Hey, I'm always here to help. Just call me the ward matchmaker.”
“Yeah, right. You didn't even show up in time to rescue me. You're a big fat help.”
“Watch your adjectives, chickie babe. Especially in this joint!”
“Sorry! I can't believe I actually used those words! I must be slipping.”
“S'OK. I know you didn't mean it. You don't seem like a mean person.”
“I'm not. At least I don't think I am. I guess some people might not agree.”
“Oh well, everyone can't be smart and have good taste or the world would be boring. Speaking of boring, are you really going to group?”
“I don't know. Do you ever go?”
“I'm not much of a joiner, but yeah, I go. I'm on one of the group schedules. I listen, but I don't always talk. Hard to believe, isn't it?”
“Well, there really isn't much to do around here that's interesting. Even if it isn't a hot date, it's still something to do for an hour and it might be nice to make the other circle babes a little jealous when I show up with the only guy.” Not that I actually thought that could happen, but there's a first time for everything!
“Oh, so you are mean after all!” Marina laughed.
“I guess so. You'd better watch out!” I tried to sound tough and probably failed.
“Oh, I will. Anyway, I totally think you should go. You need to get to know the guy before you can figure anything out. Around here, group's as good as anything for a pseudo-date.
And sometimes it can even be a little interesting if you pay attention.” She kind of shrugged like it was no big deal one way or the other.
“I guess you're right.” I hadn't even asked, but it seemed like good advice anyway. Besides, she might be right. It might be a little interesting to hear what the others had to say. I have to admit I was even a little curious to hear what the counselor babe might say. A little.
“Of course I am. I'm always right. Have fun tomorrow. Don't do anything I would do! You might hurt yourself!” She laughed and took off down the hall. I shook my head, which wasn't feeling quite as heavy anymore.
divinethinspiration says:
my parents are freaking out
nevertoothin says:
that's what parents do
lookingforlight says:
what happened?
divinethinspiration says:
caught me puking. yelled screamed. big mess
lookingforlight says:
sorry. they don't understand
nevertoothin says:
never will
bodaciousbod says:
never have.
divinethinspiration says:
it's really bad. they talked about sending me away. some clinic thing
bodaciousbod says:
1st time they said that?
divinethinspiration says:
yes
nevertoothin says:
mine say it once a week at least. some day they'll do it but i'll run away first
lookingforlight says:
they're just scared for us. think we have eating disorders.
divinethinspiration says:
urs too?
bodaciousbod says:
all of us
nevertoothin says:
so much media about ed that everyone thinks they're a dr
lookingforlight says:
everyone diagnoses us
bodaciousbod says:
only we know our own bodies. no one else
lookingforlight says:
agreed
divinethinspiration says:
that's what i always say to ppl
nevertoothin says:
but no one listens right?
lookingforlight says:
that's y we have each other
bodaciousbod says:
gws forever!
lookingforlight says:
gws for always
nevertoothin says:
gws for all eternity
divinethinspiration says:
gws for ⦠i can't think of anything ⦠lol
nevertoothin says:
lol x2
lookingforlight says:
x3
bodaciousbod says:
x4
lookingforlight says:
try not to worry dt.
bodaciousbod says:
they're probably just trying to scare you into eating
nevertoothin says:
stay strong.
divinethinspiration says:
thanks again. you guys ⦠oops girls, always bail me out.
My parents obviously decided to leave me alone for a while because the whole “send her away” conversation didn't actually lead to anything right then. I don't know if they called the doctor or not but they didn't confront me about anything right away. My dad even stopped bringing me the fattening treats, which meant I didn't have to purge so much, which was good, because I didn't really like it.
I was glad they had decided to leave me alone. I had enough to deal with and didn't need them on my case on top of everything else. Besides working on my body, getting to know the GWS and trying not to flunk out of school, I was getting ready to apply for a summer job at camp. I was going to be old enough this year to be a junior lifeguard instead of a senior camper, and I had to fit lifeguard training into my schedule. I had always been a pretty strong swimmer and with all of the exercise I'd been doing I was sure that I would ace the course.
The first day started off with the typical length swim to
prove that we wouldn't drown trying to get out to rescue some kid. I dove in, completely confident that I would be the best there. I started off strong and fast, pretty sure I had left everyone else behind.
“Come on, Madison, keep pushing. You're not even halfway.” The voice permeated my brain a few minutes later. It was the lifeguard coach yelling at me. I could hear the words, but they were muffled by the water around my ears as I splashed my arms, trying to keep moving. Man, it was getting tough. Maybe I had started off too fast or something. The water felt like jelly and I was having to fight my way through it. I felt like I had been swimming for hours instead of minutes.