The VMR Theory (v1.1) (21 page)

She smiled. “After we saw the previews, I figured we had to hurry.”

Rosalee and Clyde started cutting me free. Rosalee was grinning from ear to ear, although Clyde appeared to have placed money on the wrong side of the proposition and was experiencing mixed emotions. “I see you found yourself a ship,” I commented.

Catarina nodded. “The
Hunting Snark.
Blok came through on getting us clearance, and we were able to catch the security detail with their pants down and jimmy the Club off the control panel. You’ll like her. She’s only about seventy percent completed, but she’s a sweet ship.” I noticed Muffy and Belkasim. They were both wearing rabbit ears made out of blue satin with some sort of wire stiffener. “What are they doing here?”

“How do you think we got the security detail’s pants down? The radical feminists were a little disappointed when the bombing of the capitol didn’t come off, so we had to do something to make it up to them.”

“Our government is differently principled, as well as kindness-impaired and morally out of tee mainstream, making it our duty to strike a blow for sisterhood,” Muffy assured me.

“What about the
ears?
“ I hissed.

“They decided that as a liberation army, they needed some sort of uniform. Unfortunately, they chose Harry as a technical consultant, and Harry indulged in what one can best describe as wish-fulfillment.” She shook her head. “Officers wear blue ears, enlisted personnel wear pink.”

“One of these days the law of averages is going to mug Harry in an alley somewhere. Although my best move is to thank you profusely and shut up, I confess that I started getting a trifle worried when you waited until the last minute to show up to rescue me.”

“We just made sure you earned the maximum number of frequent flier miles. How did you keep yourself amused waiting?”

“Well, Irvin here has led a sheltered existence, so I occupied myself explaining the facts of life.” I saw the little gleam appear in her eyes, so I said, “Oh, go ahead.” She bent over and whispered, “I guess we just broke up Alt Bauernhof s first bull and oyster roast.”

After they cut me loose and we got the mailship safely stowed, I made a quick pit stop and went forward to the bridge to see how Catarina was making out. She was right about one thing, the ship was something special. I couldn’t believe the size of the fuzzy dice in the control room.

I took over navigation, allowing Catarina to shift to the command seat, and let Bunkie show me how to call up the status log. Rosalee, Wyma Jean, and Blok were attending to propulsion, which left Clyde, Minnie, and Mickey to deal with major deficiencies in life support systems. A crowd of Muffy’s friends were swarming over the ship redecorating. “Looks pretty bad,” I commented.

Catarina smiled. “Aside from the troubles inherent in a not-quite-finished ship, we’re being chased by six frigates. We have about two hours’ head start on them.”

“That’s not much.”

“I could mention all the time we lost trying to match speeds with someone.”

Bunkie piped up, “We’re receiving a Priority One transmission in clear.”

“May I?” I asked Catarina. She nodded. I told Bunkie, “Let her rip,” and Bunkie landed Mailboat Bobby’s glowering visage on the viewscreen.

Stemm nervously mopped his brow. “So it’s the Bonnie and Clyde of the spaceways. MacKay, do you know what a flap you’ve caused down here? You’ve got to bring that spaceship back immediately!”

“Bets?”

“This is no time for jokes. The ambassador orders you to bring that ship back!”

“And what do the Macdonalds propose to do to us if we bring their ship back?”

There was a pregnant silence while Bobby bent to confer. “Ambassador Meisenhelder wants me to assure you that you will have adequate legal representation.”

“Have you explained to the ambassador just how much of a threat to the Confederation this ship will be if the Macdonalds manage to complete it?”

“Well, no, but that’s hardly relevant—”

“Bobby, wouldn’t you consider dying? Just think how lovely you’d look stuffed.”

“Be serious, MacKay!”

“Actually, Bobby, I am. If this spaceship caper doesn’t pan out, tormenting you is the only thing that would give my life meaning. MacKay out.” I turned to Catarina. “Gee, that was fun.” I noticed that the bridge was beginning to fill up with people that Catarina had presumably assigned to working parties.

“They’re calling us back,” Bunkie reported.

This time it was a chubby girl with Day-Glo hair. She was wearing a red vinyl one-piece and matching patent leather boots. “Mr. MacKay, I have a call for you from Ambassador Meisenhelder.” She rearranged the gum in her mouth. “Will you accept the charges?”

“What if I just say no?” I inquired.

She was back a few seconds later. “The ambassador will speak with you now.”

We faded into Ambassador Meisenhelder’s beaming countenance. He adjusted his toupee. “Mr. MacKay, you have to return the ship to this planet immediately. Consider this an order.”

Catarina winked.

“I’m sorry, Mr. Ambassador, that’s just not in the cards.”

Meisenhelder appeared perplexed. “But I just gave you an order.”

I glanced at the piece of paper Bunkie shoved into my hand. “Sorry, sir. We passed out of your jurisdiction about two light-minutes back.”

“Pretty please?”

I shook my head. “Sorry, sir.”

“Oh, dear.” The ambassador pushed his hair back with a worried expression on his face. “I just know that there’s going to be trouble with the Klo’klotixa government over this.”

“You give them hell, sir.”

“I suppose that I should mention that your ex-wife has disappeared. Is she up there with you?”

I looked around. “Dear God, I hope not!”

“Captain Kuzmaul tells me that apart from your crew, she’s the only Terran unaccounted for. Well, if you hear from her, please ask her to return to the embassy for her own safety. Since the theft of the
Hunting Snark
was announced, there’s been a sudden outpouring of anti-Terran sentiment. I’m not sure that it’s safe for her to be walking the streets.”

“Don’t worry, Mr. Ambassador. Gwen can walk the streets with the best of them.” I blanked the screen and paused. “Did I just say what I think I just said?”

“Yes, sir, you did.” Bunkie shook her head. “We’re receiving another communication in clear.”

I shrugged. “Probably the Macdonalds, this time. Okay.”

Bunkie flicked it on.

“Ah, Mr. MacKay, we meet again,” the lean Macdonald on the screen whispered silkily.

I tried to place him. “Ah, do I know you?”

His pointed ears twitched. “The Friendship Society party?”

“Oh, yeah—now I remember. You’re Captain Xhia. Look, I’m really sorry, you know how it is with people you meet at these things, and for the last couple of days it’s just been one thing after another. You offered to give me a tour, right? Listen, I’d really love to, but something’s come up—”

“Know you t’at tee warship you so audaciously stole was to be tee flagship of a fleet destined to sweep your Confederation Navy from tee heavens and allow my species to achieve its proper racial destiny.” Xhia’s eyes gleamed with the by-now-familiar luminous light. “It would not be fitting for us to allow an ugly species like yours to dominate the galaxy!”

“Yeah? Who are you calling ugly, short and squatty?”

“Ken,” Catarina interjected, “you’re babbling.”

“Uh, right.”

Xhia smiled evilly. “I knew tee seeds of great sins were wit’in you, Ken MacKay. Love t’ose who t’row golden words in advance of t’eir deeds and always perform more t’an t’ey promise,” he intoned, “for t’ey will t’eir own downfall. Love t’ose whose souls are overfull so t’at t’ey forget t’emselves and all t’ings are in t’em and all t’ings become t’eir downfall.”

“Excuse me for one second.” I dampened the sound and turned to Catarina. “What have we got to defend ourselves?”

“You, me, our crew, Blok, Trixie, and nineteen of Muffy’s radical feminists including four infants. No weapons are mounted on the ship yet, so we’re virtually unarmed.”

“Do we have a contingency plan?”

“Harry suggested taping the infants crying and broadcasting it to the ships chasing us to demoralize the crews, but I vetoed the idea.”

I resumed voice communication with Xhia. “You were saying?”

“I command a squadron which will erase tee stain you have placed upon our species’ blazon by removing you from tee universe!”

“Well, it certainly was nice talking with you,” I said as his image disappeared.

Harry said fiercely, “Let the greasers come! We’re not scared!”

Dr. Blok threw up his hands. “We’re doomed,” he moaned.

I closed my eyes. “I really wish you hadn’t said that.” Harry and Rosalee grinned at each other, threw up their hands, and chanted, “We’re doomed!” Then they went back to try it out on everyone else on board.

“Maybe they’ll tire of it in a few hours,” Catarina said hopefully. “What did you find out before you got launched?”

“Wipo’s co-conspirators are Mordred, an ephor named Fowl, and lobbyist Gregorio Smith. It’s the usual vast interstellar conspiracy to legalize tobacco. They’re going to conquer Plixxi, base there, and hit the fleet on a Super Bowl Sunday. I told them it was the oldest trick in the book.”

“Dear me.” The corner of her mouth turned down. “I thought that the oldest trick in the book was the ninety-three-year-old guy they picked up waving a fifty on Fourteenth and K.”

“Poor Captain Ken, you do appear bedraggled,” Minnie exclaimed. “I wish that we had chocolate to offer to you as we commence this trip.”

“As Bucky says, ‘A journey without chocolate is like an evening without sunshine,’ “ Mickey concluded.

“Catarina,” I coughed, “my guess is that everything is working out exactly the way Admiral Crenshaw planned. And I don’t think she’s a very nice person.”

“If Xhia doesn’t catch up with us before we reach our black hole, we can head for Brasilia Nuevo and place ourselves under the guns of the fleet. The Macdonalds aren’t ready to start a war to stop us.”

“Well, Xhia doesn’t seem to be gaining on us, so we’re in good shape so far.” Just then our speed began dropping off. “Blok! What’s wrong with this ship?”

“We may have a screw loose,” Blok conceded. Catarina is an expert on dealing with loose screws, so she and Blok ran back to engineering while I detailed Wyma Jean to keep Harry from trying to help.

“It looks like they’re beginning to gain ground on us,” I explained to everyone, checking my instruments, “but we still have a pretty good lead on them.”

About three seconds later we went from low thrust to no thrust. Blok reappeared, wringing his hands in 180-degree circles.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“We have a slight problem,” he said tactfully.

“The good doctor went to work on the main drive coupling. It blew, and none of the backups are installed yet,” Catarina said with asperity.

“It was a calculated risk,” Blok explained.

“How long will it take to get fixed?” I asked, not really wanting to hear the answer.

“Oh, two or t’ree days,” Blok explained nervously.

“Make that two or three hours,” Catarina snapped and signed off.

I wasn’t too worried because the ship must have cost the Macdonalds billions and they knew that the Confederation would probably give it back, so I couldn’t see them shooting holes in it just to get us. Two hours and nine minutes later Xhia’s flotilla caught up to us. The first missile impacted four minutes after that.

The ship shuddered. Catarina called me up on the intercom. “Was that cannon fire or the pounding of my heart?”

“You know, we keep going into battle in unarmed ships. I’m beginning to think that God is trying to tell us something. Any ideas?”

“To be truthful, I’m wondering whether I shouldn’t have given the convent a try.”

Bunches of people miraculously began reappearing on the bridge. I looked at Harry. “Harry, I want you to take l he feminists to the lifeboats in case we have to abandon ship. As they say, women and children first.”

Harry looked at Wyma Jean mournfully. “Well, it looks like this is it for us, honey-bunny. I just want to say I’m really sorry about everything.”

Wyma Jean gave him a cold stare. “Go peddle it somewhere else, buddy.”

Harry left the bridge. As soon as the door closed behind him Wyma Jean jumped in the air and pumped her fist. “Yes!!! Got him!”

“Wyma Jean, why don’t you go help him?”

“Uh, yes sir.”

I turned my attention back to Catarina. “How are things working out with Blok?”

“I’d trade him for a wet sponge. Call up Xhia. Buy us twenty minutes.”

Another small missile hit and blew out a slice of deck three. Harry appeared again. “We don’t have any lifeboats.”

I looked at Bunkie. “You heard the woman.”

Bunkie was already in motion. A few seconds later Xhia’s image reappeared on the screen.

“Ah, Captain MacKay! Tee hour of your demise rapidly approaches. Behold! What is tee greatest t’ing you can experience? It is tee hour of tee great contempt, an hour in which even happiness becomes loathsome to you, and your reason and virtue as well, for beings are polluted rivers. One must be a sea to receive a polluted river and not be defiled. It is not sin, but moderation t’at cries to heaven! Your very meanness in sinning cries out to heaven! Where is tee lightning to lick you wit’ its tongue? Where is tee madness by which you are cleansed?”

I glanced at the clock thinking that it was going to be a long twenty minutes, but Xhia decided to cut our discussion short. “Love t’ose who are like heavy drops falling singly from tee dark cloud hanging overhead: t’ey prophesy tee coming of tee lightning and as prophets t’ey perish.” He turned to his weapons officer. “Prepare to launch anot’er salvo.”

“Wait! This is a very expensive ship! Aren’t you even going to ask us to surrender?”

“And permit you to defy me?”

“You could at least ask. It’s only polite.”

“Very well,” Xhia said, stiffening. “I have been instructed to attempt to retrieve tee vessel you stole undamaged if practicable. So, if you do not surrender immediately, I will harm tee being named Gwen.”