The VMR Theory (v1.1) (33 page)

“Oh, you know me, Ken! I always land on my feet.” She drifted away, larger than life, leaving behind a whiff of perfume, and a summons to appear in court and show cause.

When we got up to the
Scupper,
Minnie, Mickey, Harry, Trixie, and Clyde were waiting to greet us as we came through the airlock. Bunkie was off managing Mordred’s transition team.

Clyde saluted. “Welcome aboard, sir. Cheeves had us wait in the space station in case things broke our way, and they let us have the ship about half an hour ago.”

“Hey, Ken,” Harry cut in, “I got my pistol back. Bucky here is a head of state, right? I could fire off a twenty-one-gun salute.”

“Ah, thanks, but—”

“Oh, and you’re never going to believe this, but I’ve got a new girlfriend. Her name’s Fluffy.” He ran down the corridor to his cabin and returned with Felicia Wild. “Can I keep her? Huh, huh, can I keep her?”

Putting Harry on hold while Minnie and Mickey took possession of Bucky and Cheeves for some talk about debentures, I pulled Clyde and Catarina aside for a private discussion. “Clyde, what’s the latest word on Rosalee and Wyma Jean?”

“Oh, we got a message from Rosalee. She says she’ll catch up with us on Brasilia Nuevo.” He gave a conspiratorial wink. “I think that piracy is starting to bore her.”

“What about Wyma Jean?”

Clyde appeared troubled. “We heard from her, too. Wyma Jean’s still kind of pissed. Mostly at Harry, but you remember last year, I dated her a couple of times?”

“Yes.”

“Don’t let me be captured alive, sir.”

Catarina laid her hand on my shoulder. “Isn’t it good to be home?”

It was still close to rush hour, so of course we got stuck in a holding pattern. Minnie and Mickey showed us Number Four Hold which they’d cleared out so that Big Susie could move in, and their latest assortment of Bucky Beaver videos.

“This is our most recent release, Duke Ken.” Mickey handed me one.
“Bucky Beaver and the Stock Market Correction.”

I tapped the tape against my forehead. “You know, I thought I read all of the Bucky Beaver stories when I was a kid, but for some reason, I don’t recall this one.” Minnie and Mickey exchanged glances.

“Although creating the animated stories has been rather a snap with the proper computer technology, we have been experiencing difficulty in keeping abreast of demand,” Minnie explained.

“Indeed, demand has been so great that we have already exhausted the classic titles,” Mickey agreed. “Fortunately, we were able to import a team of Bucky Beaver scholars from IPlixxi*, and Mr. Clyde has been helping them prepare additional stories.”

Catarina blanched. “And the Pope wants to see us.”

I looked at my watch. “You know, if we hurry, we could still convert. Are there Jewish vampires?”

Clyde interrupted over the intercom. “Captain, could you and Commander Lindquist come to the bridge? We have a problem.”

When we reached the bridge, Xhia’s image filled the viewscreen. “Tee empire I swore allegiance to is finished, my proud navy is no more. You took from me my yout’s visions and dearest marvels. You stole my nights from me and sold t’em to sleepless torment. You embittered my finest honey. A curse upon you, my enemies!”

I exploded. “Darn it all!” I was getting tired and cranky. I looked at Catarina. “This is twice in one day. Can’t we find a judge and get some sort of temporary restraining order to keep all these washed-up villains from bothering us for at least another four or five pages?” I sat down in the command seat and felt something move which turned out to be Frisky, the long-lost boa constrictor.

“Can I break out the missile launcher, huh, huh?” Harry wanted to know.

Cheeves interjected himself quietly. “Duke Ken, if I could perhaps be allowed to address this.”

He spoke to Xhia in private for about five minutes. At the end, Xhia stood and saluted with oily tears in his eyes. The screen went blank.

I looked at Catarina with my mouth open. She shook her head. “You’ll have to ask. This time, I don’t know, either.”

“Oh, I did very little,” Cheeves said dismissively. “I merely mentioned that the Galaxy Wrestling Federation has expressed an interest in opening a light-saber division and televising matches. I felt it prudent to bring Captain Xhia in on the ground floor, as it were.”

“Cheeves, I’d take my hat off to you if one of Wipo’s boys hadn’t swiped it.”

“Thank you, sir.” Cheeves fluffed his fur the tiniest bit. “I strive to give good service.”

And so the galaxy was saved for humanity, for at least another week. Of course, after the story leaked, Catarina and I were called to testify in front of two legislative subcommittees to respond to persistent rumors that we sacrificed kittens during our stay on Alt Bauemhof, and after a great deal of soul-searching, we decided to sell the book rights. Gwen volunteered herself as my agent. She says we’re only talking to interested buyers. An Australian company is offering a $4.5 million advance. Gwen says that it might just cover my legal fees, unless, of course, the newspapers pick up on the story and fuss until I give the money back. Lydia’s almost talking to me now, a frightening thought, although I can’t say the same about the Pope.

When word first got out that Bucky and Cheeves had purchased Alt Bauemhof and Schuyler’s World, the Confederation press and the diplomatic corps collectively had a belly-laugh. I’ve noticed they’ve stopped laughing. Mordred and I have actually gotten to be pretty good friends. He says that I remind him of the hero in Hemingway’s book
The Bread Also Rises.
I’m still not sure how to take that.

Being viceroy of Schuyler’s World and Duke of Earl is okay, I guess, except for that stupid song they play instead of “Hail to the Chief.” A lot of people have written claiming to be destitute relatives of mine, and Catarina and Trixie have both had a major impact on the way that local governmental institutions function, Trixie especially. And having Big Susie around isn’t nearly as bad as I thought it would be. Until she pushed her way into our lives, I didn’t imagine that there was anything in the universe that could drink Harry under the table.

A few days ago Bucky called to ask Catarina to be his viceroy for Brasilia Nuevo—the same four months out of twelve deal.

Prolonged contact with the folks on Schuyler’s World is starting to make me think that there might be something to the VMR Theory after all.