‘Why?’
‘When I got home last night my dad had left a message for me to ring him. He’s been promoted to a head office job at a wonderful salary, so he won’t be travelling abroad hardly at all and I’m going to live with him, which means he won’t have to have any contact with my mum.’
‘What about school?’
‘He’s hoping to buy a house the other side of Culworth so I shall still be able to travel to school to finish my A-levels. You’ve no idea how pleased I am. I’m sorry, so sorry. I told Janey about you. She thought it funny the two of you were sharing a tent, but then she would. I didn’t want you to know, you see.’
‘Obviously you didn’t.’
‘I must have been mad.’
‘Yes, that’s right. But I think perhaps you get on with your dad better than you do with your mum.’
‘Yes, I do. He and I - we’re the same sort of people, well, almost that is . . . I’ve no right to ask after . . . anyway, I will: would you let me write to you sometimes? Perhaps see you in Culworth occasionally? It’s been the best thing since sliced bread, knowing you and meeting your family. It’s given me a chance to see what quality of life it’s possible to have. Your dad frightens the life out of me, though. He sees right through you, doesn’t he? He isn’t in, is he?’
Having no idea where he was she mischievously answered, ‘I expect he’s in his study.’
‘Ah! Well, I’ll go, then.’ He headed for the front door. ‘Can’t apologise enough. Janey’s a different type of girl from you, very different, you see, but you . . . well, you’re special.’ Somewhere in the house a door opened. ‘However, I’ll be off. She’s finished with me, too, but perhaps it’s as well. I shan’t forget you, never will. Be seeing you at school things and such.’ Jake hastily picked up his school bag, raised a hand in greeting, smiled that splendid smile of his and legged it out of the door.
Beth refused to allow the tears to flow. She’d done enough of that last night and she wasn’t going to allow it to happen any more. They’d parted as friends and that was it, for ever. She wouldn’t mind seeing him occasionally, but she rather suspected that they wouldn’t meet in Culworth, and perhaps it was for the best. She had to smile at his hurried response when he heard the kitchen door opening, and smiled even more when she found her dad wasn’t even at home. Anytime in the future there was a man to get rid of she’d have to remember he was her secret weapon. But her eyes filled with tears when she remembered Jake’s wonderful kissability, then she recalled why he was an expert and cancelled the tears.
Chapter 23
That night, lying in bed after making love, Peter said to Caroline, ‘It’ll be odd when the two of them leave home, leaving us behind.’
Caroline rolled over towards him and smiled into his eyes. ‘Jake’s been to see Beth. He’s going to live with his father after Christmas so they won’t be seeing much of each other, not even on the school coach. That’s a relief. I liked him but . . .’
‘She appears to have survived rather well, though.’
‘But she’s still hurting badly, I can tell. It could have been an awful lot worse, however.’
‘Exactly. This love business is fraught with dramas, isn’t it?’
Caroline stared at the ceiling, her hands locked behind her head. ‘Yes. I’m in the midst of one now.’
‘You are? Want to tell me?’
‘I hope you’re not in your Rector-with-sympathy mode, because if you are I’m not telling you.’
‘No, I’m in husband-with-sympathy mode.’
‘Good. When we make love which are you in?’
‘Definitely husband mode.’ He laughed and so did she.
‘It’s not a laughing matter.’
‘What isn’t?’
‘My problem, Peter.’
‘Well?’
‘I’ve loved unswervingly since the day we met. Couple of hiccups, serious ones, but they’ve been overcome. However, the current one looks like being with me for life.’
Peter turned away from her and all she had of him was the back of his head and his long bare back.
‘Well, you haven’t answered me.’
‘No.’
‘It won’t go away, Peter. You say there’ll be no more of Suzy Meadows but you don’t say why. Have you murdered her? Are you just waiting for someone to find the body?’
‘That is flippant and unnecessary and not worthy of you.’
‘No, Peter, you can’t get away with a reprimand, it’s too serious. I have a need to know and so have the children. You owe us that at the very least.’
There was a long silence and eventually she gave up her quest, turned away from him, snatched her nightgown from under her pillow and struggled to put it on lying down. He turned over to give her a hand.
Comfortable once her nightgown was not rucked up beneath her, she looked at him intently. She waited five whole minutes and then he spoke.
‘It was so difficult. I went there to reason with her, naturally, a sensible adult conversation, leaving a door open in case the children changed their minds. An hour or two and then we’d have it sorted.’
‘And wasn’t it?’
Peter half propped himself up on his pillows. ‘I’d sent a letter to her saying I was coming, that if it wasn’t convenient could she please let me know, but when I got there she flung the door open, looking puzzled as though something was missing. “Where are your cases?” she said. She’d assumed I was going there that day to live with her. I’d no answer, I’m afraid.’
She heard him swallow hard so she slipped her hand into his to comfort him.
‘There were no grounds for her to think so for one single minute, as you well know. Then there was a footstep in the hall and someone who looked like her except not so painfully screwed up, said loudly, “Come in, Peter. I’m Suzy’s older sister, Paula. There’s three of us. The other one is still in the States.” I shook hands with her, but Suzy dragged hold of me and pulled me into the sitting room saying she’d got everything arranged, that she’d cleared a little snug and made it into a study for me with a desk her father had used, how wonderful it all was and telling the plans she’d made and asking when the children would be coming? End of term? In time for Christmas?
‘It was then I knew she had to be told the stark truth, no trimmings, no going round corners, no trying to be kind because she’d simply ignore the bits she didn’t want to hear. Her sister pushed her down into a chair and insisted she must listen to what I had to say. So I sat down too and told her I’d never said I was coming to stay. I’d come to explain the situation and it didn’t involve me or the children going there to live. Finally, finally it sunk in. Then . . .’
Caroline squeezed his hand tightly. ‘Go on.’
‘Then she exploded into a massive hysterical outburst, throwing herself about, screaming, crying, throwing things - books, ornaments, chairs, anything she had the strength to pick up. She was going to kill herself, she was going to kill me, she’d get the children no doubt about that . . . Both Paula and I were appalled, and for the first few minutes watched in horror, just not knowing what on earth to do. It occurred to me that there was a similarity between her behaviour and the terrible twos behaviour of the twins when they threw a tantrum. She wasn’t getting her own way so she threw a wobbly. Paula and I grabbed her and forced her down on to the sofa, holding her so she couldn’t get up.’
In the soft lighting of the bedroom she couldn’t see his face properly but Caroline heard him swallow several times while he regained control. ‘Paula said, “Hold her, I’ll get her tablets.” She left me holding Suzy down, and went to the kitchen to fetch the tablets and a glass of water. Eventually we got them down her and she began to quieten. It took about twenty minutes and then she fell asleep. I looked down at her and she was pitiable. That blonde hair that Beth has inherited was streaked with sweat, her face was reddened and puffy with her tears, her dowdy clothes . . . Skin and bone, she was. There was nothing appealing about her. I was horrified.
‘That doesn’t sound kind. She’s obviously very ill.’
‘I didn’t feel kind. She’d tried so hard to ruin our lives, and for one terrible minute I could have done what you suggested I’d done. Then of course I was so afraid, thinking a psychiatric hospital would be the next stage. Paula got us each a stiff whisky and she sat down to tell me what would happen next.’ He hesitated for a while, picturing in his mind how Suzy looked and wondering how he had ever come to have sex with her.
‘Apparently Paula and the other sister run a private school in the States for seriously disturbed children, just a small one about six children at a time, and Suzy is going to live in the States with them and help in the school.’
‘Frankly, Peter, she sounds to be just the right person for a job like that. She’ll be able to match them tantrum for tantrum.’
This was Caroline at her most damning and Peter felt angry with her. ‘Darling! That’s not fair. Being busy teaching, with her sisters to care for her, could be the very thing she needs. They’re doing their best for her. Apparently she adored Patrick - you know, her first husband - and when he killed himself it was a crushing blow. Her mother did everything for her little girls at the time because she was useless.’
Caroline knew she’d achieve nothing by being unkind about Suzy. He’d seen her as she actually was and been shattered by it so criticism of her was out, but it was obvious to Caroline the woman was mad. ‘Where are your cases?’ Huh! She despised Suzy for being so ridiculous as to say that to a man like Peter. As if Peter would just walk away from his responsibilities to the church and his God. ‘So how did she come to marry Michael Palmer? Did her sister say?’
‘Apparently they were as bewildered as anyone could be. He wasn’t right for her at all, Paula said. He was too kind, too soft, too lacking in oomph. He needed her to lean on, not the other way round and Suzy finished up despising him.’
‘I rather thought so. Well, I’ve heard enough.’
‘I need to talk some more.’
Resigning herself to his need to talk, she replied, ‘OK.’
Peter turned to look at her, this woman who was the light of his life, the beat of his heart, his springboard, his courage, his joy. This woman who lay beside him every night of his life and whom he loved with an abandonment he’d never thought possible to experience. ‘Guilt, you know, that’s my problem. Because of one moment of weakness on my part this human being has been reduced to that pathetic bundle. All my fault.’
‘I would like to point out, my darling, that it takes two to tango. You’re a very, very attractive man, though you don’t appear to know it. Remember Louise Bissett? Venetia Mayer? They threw themselves at you just as she has done. There could be others, I’m sure. Ah, yes. Anna Sanderson for one.’
‘The Reverend Anna Sanderson, do you mean? Now that is rubbish.’
‘No, darling, it isn’t. It’s the truth, except, being a very honourable member of the clergy, she kept it well under control.’
‘I don’t believe that for one second and you’re distracting me—’
‘Distracting you from strapping yourself to the stake and being burned alive, do you mean? Lay it to rest, and put your hair shirt away, too. It’s over. Done with. She’s going to be taken care of thousands of miles away from us, and at last the children can stop worrying about her popping in unexpectedly. And so can you.’
Peter lay quite still, thinking about what she’d just said. Was she right? Or had she arrived at a place of contentment that he could never reach? With her help, maybe he could reach it. Finally put behind him the guilt, the sorrow, the burden it had all become, for it had never lessened as the years went by.
‘Just think, Peter, about the pluses. You’ve proved yourself capable of fathering children and for a man that’s incredibly important, and something you would never have known otherwise. We’ve both got the children we needed, me especially, since I was unable to conceive . Maybe your moment of weakness, as you call it, was ordained from above. All part of God’s plan for you and me.’
‘Now look here, you can’t—’
‘No,
you
look here. I’m well aware I have not got your depth of understanding of God and his mysterious ways, but if it pleases me to look at it like that, why can’t you?’