The Truth in Lies (The Truth in Lies Saga) (6 page)

I pursed my lips, shaking my head.  “That’s such a cop-out, Nate.  The fact is, I needed you here, and you couldn’t do that.”   I slammed my hands against my thighs.  “Scratch that.  You
wouldn’t
do that.  If you only cared enough to stay with me...”

He threw his arms in the air.  “Damn it, McKenzie, you know how you are.  You push and push and I couldn’t take it anymore.  I needed to breathe.”

“You’re right.  I do know how I am.  And I can’t be alone.  Being alone kills me.  Don’t you get that?”

Nate bolted off the bed.  In a single stride he closed the distance between us.  His eyes were on fire with anger and sorrow.  “You’re not alone.  I get so lost in us that I have to take a breather every now and then.  I practically drown in us at times.  Can’t you understand that?  I haven’t stopped loving you.  I just needed time to recuperate.”

“And while you took that time to recuperate, I’ve sunk further and further into darkness.  I’ve faced everything alone.  I feel like a prisoner in this house.  You run away every other week for days, even weeks on end and where does that leave me?  Alone!”

He clasped me by the shoulders, digging his fingers into my flesh.  I tried to shove away from him, but his grip was too firm.  “You know the away trips always bring in more revenue.  It has no bearing on us or how I feel about you.”

Fury exploded inside of me.  Blinded by rage, my fists balled up and slammed into his bare chest.  He flinched at my assault, but made no effort to stop me.  “You use that as an excuse to get away from me.” – Another crack of my fist against his chest – “You hate being near me.” The relentless bashing continued.  “You hate touching me.  Those trips are your only means of escape.  Well, you don’t have to worry about that anymore!”  Breathless and worn, my fists dropped to my sides.  With each jagged breath my chest heaved.   

Shell shocked by my reaction, Nate took a step back from me.  Red and whelped, his tanned skin showed the signs of being beaten. “McKenzie, please,” he whispered, reaching out for me. 

I wobbled backward, shaking my head.  “No!  I’m tired of waiting, of praying that you’ll come back to me.  But let’s face it, you won’t.  The man I fell in love with is long gone.  Where he went, I don’t know, but this man standing in front of me is
not
him, and I can’t wait any longer for him to come back to me.”

Horror filled his eyes.  “You’re right.  I should’ve been here, and I’m sorry.  But in my defense, I’m here now.  Let me help you.  Let me love you again.”

“How am I supposed to believe you?”  I sat down on the floor with my legs crossed underneath me, my arms hugging my chest.  

“What do you want from me?”

I rocked back and forth like I would in Evan’s rocking chair.  The motion comforted me. “I don’t know,” I mumbled.

Nate dropped to the floor in front of me.  His fingers clasped around my wrists.  “Don’t lie to me, McKenzie.  I can see it in your eyes.  Just say the words.”

The internal struggle that had been raging inside me was now forcing me to face the decision I had already made.

“I need a break,” the harsh words rolled off my tongue so easily.

Nate released my hands.  “You mean you want to break up?”

“I said what I meant.  I need to be on my own for a while.  Away from here.”

I glanced up through my wet eyelashes.  Nate’s face had hardened, and his hazel eyes became rock solid.   His nose expanded with each labored breath as his teeth bore in a vicious snarl. 

“Is there someone else?” he demanded.  “Jared, perhaps?”

“Jared?” I scoffed.  “Are you flippin’ kiddin’ me?”

“Do you really think that it’s escaped my attention how often you two hang out?  Let’s face it; he was more than happy to take my place at the sonogram, wasn’t he?”  Every muscle in his arms flexed and released, his knuckles turning ghost white from strain. 

“You’re grasping at straws here.”

“Am I?  Look me in the eye and tell me that you and Jared don’t have anything going on.”

I did as requested, my whole body trembling in fury.  “Jared is my friend.  Nothing more.  He was there for me when you weren’t.”

“Throw it in my face, why don’t you.”

“Throw what in your face?” I bellowed.

“The fact that you ran to him as soon as you could.”

The sound of my hand cracking over Nate’s face startled me.  “How dare you?  I’ve never cheated on you, and never would.”

Nate placed his hand over his cheek.  His face mirrored how I felt. Shocked.

“I know you wouldn’t,” he whispered.

I placed my hand over his, my stomach tightening when he flinched at my touch.  “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.  I deserve it.”

He dropped his hand, leaving mine to caress the pain I’d inflicted.  It wasn’t like me to be violent.  Confrontation scared me more than anything for the most part, but my heart was broken, and
somehow it manifested itself as pure anger. 

“Had you only been there when I needed you,
” I whispered, sweeping my thumb over his cheekbone.

“Please give me a chance to fix this.”

I leaned forward and placed a chaste kiss on his lips; the salt of his tears lingered on mine.  “Then let me go.  I need to fix myself.  I’m hurting us both by staying here.”

“But if you walk away, I may lose you forever.”

“And if I don’t, you may.”  I stood up from the floor and walked over to the closet.  The long chain to the light dangled haplessly in front of me, clinking to life as I pulled the cord.  Atop of the shelf laid my overnight bag.  I had to push up on my toes to reach it.

“Promise me that this is temporary,” his gruff plea echoed behind me.

Turning on the heel of my foot, I looked up into his tear streaked face.  “I can’t promise that.” His shoulders slumped forward in an act of defeat. “I can promise this though,” I said, resolute, “this’ll make us better in the long run.”

Nate took my face between his hands, as his soft lips passed across mine.  Soft and gentle, he kissed me, until it wasn’t soft any longer.  Passion, fire, determination melded our mouths together in fervor.    He pushed me up against the wall, our bodies fused together.  The soft thump of my bag hitting the floor barely registered in my mind.  All I knew is I needed my hands free to feel him, to touch him.   

He reached for my wrists and pinned them to the wall as he pressed his body firmly to mine.  I melted against him, unable to refuse him.  While holding my hands with one hand, his free hand moved down between my breasts over my stomach, stopping short of my hem of my dress.  His hand pushed up under the material, cupping my heat through my panties.

“Let me remind you how this once felt.”  His teeth grazed my shoulder, his hand probing the hem of my panties.  “Let me remind you of that night in Cancun when you couldn’t get enough of me.”

My knees buckled under his assault.  He lifted me off of my feet and laid me down on the bed.  His body landed on top of mine and all my determination to run disappeared.  Carnal need was all that remained. 

Nate wasted no time in pulling my dress off of me.  Every inch of my exposed body was met with heated kisses, until his mouth reached the waist of my panties.  The candle light flickered, casting a devious gleam in his eyes.  He shifted my panties down my legs, and for the first time in months, I felt desired again.

* * *

Several hours later, I woke with a jolt.  The candles were all burnt out.  Thin satin sheets raveled around my clammy body.  Memories of Nate owning me once again rushed back to the forefront of my mind.

It was pitch black in the room, except for a golden glow of the moon shining in through the window.  I rubbed my hands over my face and looked at the alarm clock on the nightstand. 

“Three A.M.!” I hissed. 

Nate grunted then rolled over, kicking his legs a little.  I clapped my hand over my mouth, hoping I didn’t wake him.  A few seconds passed and his soft snore returned.  Lying in the dark, I watched him sleep.  He looked so peaceful, to the point of almost being happy, and I was about to destroy that.  There was no doubt that he thought sex could fix us.  It couldn’t.  This was nothing more than goodbye for me.

The coarse stubble along his jaw scratched my lips, as I placed a sweet kiss on his cheek.  “Goodbye, Nate,” I breathed.

He made a whimpering noise, pulling the covers tighter to him.  I tucked the sheet under his chin, and brushed his hair from his face.  With a heavy heart, I slipped out of our bed for the last time.

I stumbled along the floor in a mad search for my discarded clothing.  Getting dressed in the dark wasn’t the easiest thing to do, but I managed.  I only hoped that my dress was right side in and forward.  Desperate to not make a sound, I packed my belongings into the overnight bag that had been carelessly tossed to the wayside.

Once I was certain I had everything I needed to last me a few days, I grabbed my purse and keys off of the dresser
before closing the bedroom door behind me.  The floorboards creaked as I tiptoed down the hall into the kitchen.  Tears streamed down my face.  This hurt worse than I had imagined. 

In the light of the stove, I leaned against the kitchen counter and began writing Nate a note.

Nate-

When you wake, I won’t be here.  I know this isn’t what you want, but it’s what I need. 

Know that I do love you, but I can’t keep pretending that this doesn’t hurt anymore.  I know I haven’t been the easiest person to live with, but then again you haven’t been around much to know that.

I’ll be staying at Olivia’s for a few days.  Please give me the space I need.  Being in this house is killing me, and I’m afraid it will destroy us in the long run.

Please take care of yourself.  I’ll call you soon.

~M.

The little black magnet on the refrigerator completed its job by holding the goodbye letter to the metal surface.  Then, like a thief in the night, I slipped out the front door.  As soon as I got into my car, I called Olivia.

“Hello,” her sleep induced voice muttered after several rings.

“Liv, it’s me.”

“Kenz, are you okay?”

“I need a place to crash for a few days.  Can I stay with you?”

“He cheated on you didn’t he?”  Her voice rose a few octaves.

“No!” I exclaimed.  “I just told him I couldn’t take being alone anymore, and that I needed a break.”

“It’s about time,” she commended. 

“So, is it okay if I crash at your place for a few days?  Just until I get my bearings straight.”

“Yeah, sure.  Come on over.  Th
e door will be unlocked.  Let yourself in.”

“Thanks, Liv.  I’ll be there soon.”

“We’ll talk in the morning.  I need to get some sleep.  I have a big day ahead of me tomorrow.”

“Of course.  No worries.  Thanks again.  Goodnight.”

“Goodnight.”

After I hung up the phone, I tossed it in the seat beside me where my overnight bag and purse laid.   The instant I turned the key in the ignition, the engine of my little Prius
hummed to life.  While Nate hated the lack of power in my car, I was happy for the silent engine that wouldn’t disturb him or the neighbors.

The brisk night air once again poured through the vents, reminding me to turn on the heat.  The highway was practically empty, so I made it to Olivia’s in record time.  I parked in the parking garage, and took the elevator up to the fourteenth floor.  Just like she said, the front door to her condo was unlocked.  Once inside, I made sure to lock the door.

Every light in the house was off, save a tiny nightlight that lit up the hallway leading to the guest bathroom.  A loud snore rumbled from her bedroom as I passed.  I chuckled at the horrid sound remembering the hell I had endured with her snoring during in college. 

Upon entering the guest room, I was hailed by the sight of the overstuffed pillow top bed.  Sleep was my only priority, so much, that I didn’t even undress.  With a soft thud, my bags fell to the floor and I crashed onto the bed.  Closing my swollen, heavy eyes, I drifted off to a dreamless sleep.

Pulsing pain shot through my skull forcing my swollen eyes open.  I blinked countless times to focus in on my surroundings, but everything looked odd and unfamiliar.  A ceiling fan buzzed around over my head, nearly hypnotizing me back into sleep.  My arms and legs felt jellified to the point of being numb. 

The room was painted off-white, flourished with green and gold accents.  The bed I was laying in was covered by a silky green comforter trimmed in gold.  Sweat drenched my body from the heat of the comforter, but my face felt frozen from the fan blowing over me all night. 

I wiggled my fingers and toes, breathing in deep.  The events of the previous evening came crashing back in.   I couldn’t believe I had done it.  I left Nate.  For the first time in my life, I took a step out on my own.  To say I was scared was an understatement.  I was terrified.

Turning over in the bed, I groaned with the aches that inundated my body.  The alarm clock stationed beside the bed flashed bright red. 6:43 AM.  Ugh, how could it be time to get up already?  Reluctantly, I rubbed my hands over my raw eyes, wincing at the tenderness in my head.  Crying headaches were the worst in my opinion.  No amount of sleep or Tylenol could get rid of them. 

I threw my hands over my head, resting them on the pillows; staring up at the ceiling.  Nate would be waking soon to find that I was missing.  Several scenarios twisted around in my mind as to his reaction when he discovered my disappearing act.

While pondering how I would face him, I caught the scent of freshly brew coffee.  Oh, how I loved the aroma of coffee.  There was nothing like it. 

“Rise and shine, sleepyhead,” Olivia’s chipper voice chimed, withdrawing me from my imagination.

I jolted upward, startled to find someone in the room with me.  All the blood rushed to my already throbbing skull sending the room spiraling around me.

“What the f…”  I grumbled, pressing my fingers to my temples.  The pressure helped a little but not enough to stop the spinning.

Olivia tossed her head back in laughter sending yet another thrum of pain shooting through my brain.  This felt like a hangover on steroids. 

With an exaggerated scowl on my face, I glared at Olivia who was standing in the doorway. Looking like a supermodel ready for a runway show, her red dress hugged every inch of her body, at least what it covered.  Her long raven black hair was pulled into a pristine ponytail that dangled over the side of her shoulder in a curtain of waves, and in her hand was a cup of piping hot coffee.  She was the vision of perfection.

“You could warn a person of your presence, you know.”  I slammed my head back down on the pillow, instantly regretting that action thanks to my headache.

“I believe I did warn yo
u,” Olivia said, walking toward the bed.

“How’s that?”

“I said ‘rise and shine,’” she stated with a cocky flare.  Olivia nudged my leg with her balled fist, pushing me over so she could sit down on the bed beside me. 

I lifted my head slightly, glaring at her.  “I meant more like knocking first.”

“Oh, that.”  She shrugged half-heartedly.  Her perfectly painted, ruby red lips curled, wrinkling up her nose.  “I figured since it was my house, it wasn’t necessary.”

“What if I had been naked?”  In my attempt to show anger, my arms lifted off the bed, but flopped back down in the interim of my weakened state.

Olivia laughed heartily.  “I lived with you for four years.  I know you don’t go to bed naked.”  She stabbed her thumb into my thigh.  “Besides, you have nothing I haven’t seen before.  Now get your ass up.”

I groaned, stretching out my arms and legs.  Every joint in my body seemed to pop all at once.  To finish the job, I curled my toes feeling the joints crack under my skin. 

“Fine, I’m up,” I grumbled.

She handed me the cup of coffee and opened her balled fist to expose the Tylenol she brought for me.  “I thought you could use these.”

Pushing myself up, I leaned back against the metal rod headboard.  The cold steel pressed against my damp back, sending chills down my spine.  I pulled my knees to my chest and took the coffee and Tylenol from Olivia’s outstretched hands, relishing the heat of the cup against my cold fingers. 

“Thanks,” I muttered behind the cup, swallowing down the painkillers. 

She leaned back on the bed, placing her palms flat against the mattress to steady herself.  “Mind telling me what happened last night?  Or should I say this morning?”

Slurping the warm liquid from the cup gave me a miniscule moment to collect my thoughts.  It wouldn’t be easy explaining to her what I had done.  I had always been an unusual person.  Confrontation was something I simply couldn’t bear, so I always ran away from it.  But at the same time, I didn’t give up easily.  As long as something or someone was worth fighting for, I would stay.  I would fight.  Olivia knew this
about me, better than anyone.  So, by me leaving, she knew I was going against my nature.

I glanced at her over the brim of my coffee cup; my eyes felt puffy and swollen.  Olivia tilted her head with her perfectly sculpted eyebrows raised in expectation.

There was no way for me to get around this conversation, so, I placed the coffee cup on my knees, keeping my fingers wrapped around it.

“I left Nate.”

“Um, yeah, I gathered that much.”

I circled my finger around the rim of the cup, searching into the dark brew for what to say.

“Liv, I couldn’t take it anymore.  Being here last night with y’all made me realize that I’m miserable.  When a total stranger confronted me about my problems, and was able to read me like an open book, I knew I needed to make a change.”

Olivia shifted her weight, crossing her leg, letting her long limb dangle over the other.  “So, that’s what was going on between you and Drew when we came back.  What did he say to you?”

I took a long sip of my coffee.  That conversation was private and I really didn’t want to reveal what he had said to me.

“Not much.  He just said you were worried about me, and that he could tell I was hurting,” I adlibbed.

Olivia nodded, smiling softly.  “That sounds about right for Drew.  He basically did the same thing with me on our first date.  He has a way of reading people.”

“That he does,” I mumbled into my cup.

“So, I take it Nate was there when you got home last night?” she asked.

I nodded solemnly.

“How did he take it?” 

Resting the coffee cup back on my knees, I started to feel the tears pressing against my swollen orbs.  The pain of the tears pricking my eyes only added to my suffering head.

“I’m sure I’ll find out in a little bit when he discovers the note,” I admitted.

“Wait!  Hold the phone!  You left him a Dear John letter?”

Amusement flitted over her face.  She almost seemed to enjoy the idea of Nate finding the letter and me gone.

“Cowardly, I know, but I knew he wouldn’t let me leave any other way.  I tried.  Believe me, I did.  But he turned it around on me, as he always does.”

Olivia nodded slowly, letting my words sink in.  “I think I see the whole picture.”

Heat rose through my skin.  How easily I could be manipulated.

Olivia sat up and took the coffee cup from my hands, placing in on the nightstand.  She wrapped her thin fingers around the tops of my hands, squeezing tightly.

“I don’t think what you did was cowardly.  Personally, I think you were brave.  You knew what you needed and instead of torturing yourself, as you usually do, you stepped out and made a decision.  I’m proud of you, Kenz.”

I breathed in deep through my nose.  “That makes one of us,” I whispered, my throat thick with tears waiting to be shed.  My heart sank in my chest.  I couldn’t believe that I had been so cowardly in my decisions.

“How could you not be?  You made a decision – a wise one, I might add – and you stuck to it.  That’s very brave, especially for you.”

“It’ll break this heart, Liv.  You didn’t see him last night when I got home.  He was actually crying.”

Taking my chin between her index finger and thumb, she forced me to look her in the eye.  “And how many times has he ripped your heart to shreds?  One time?  A million times?  You should have left him ages ago.  He’s lucky you gave him as many chances as you did.”

“I know,” I admitted through gritted teeth.  A traitorous tear brimmed over, trickling down my cheek.  “I’m tired of feeling alone.”

“You’re not alone though.  You have me.”  She reached up and tucked a piece of my hair behind my ear.  “And Jared,” she added with a snarl.

A forced smile rounded my mouth.  “I’m lucky to have you both.”  I reached over and retrieved my coffee cup, taking a sip of the cooling liquid.  “Thank you for letting me crash here last night.”

Olivia patted my hand.  “You’re welcome to stay as long as you need.  You know that.”

“Thanks,” I whispered.  “I promise to find a place of my own quickly.  I don’t want to encroach on you anymore than I have to.”

“You don’t have to make any decisions right now.  Just take some time for yourself.  Hell, you can even call in sick to work today if you need to.  I have a thousand movies you can rummage through and a pint of Haagen Dazs in the freezer.”

“That sounds good, but I’m not going to skip work.”

“Yeah, I get that.  I hate skipping work too.  Speaking of which…”  Her eyes flashed to the alarm clock on the nightstand, “I have to get out of here.  I have an extremely busy day ahead of me.  I wish they’d make me partner and be done with it,” she grumbled.

“You’ll get that partnership.  I know you will.  You’ve never failed a day in your life,” I reassured her.

“I’ve failed more than I care to admit, but in this case, I hope you’re right.”  She hopped off the bed and walked to the door.  A long pause, she stood still, staring at the door.  She then turned back around, her face scrunched in thought.  “Kenz?”

“Yeah?”

“For what it’s worth, I think what you did last night was
really
brave.  I know you think you’re running away, but I don’t think so.  I think for the first time in your life, you’re finally running toward something.  A little self-worth.  I, for one, am happy to see it.”

“Thanks,” I mumbled, unable to meet her eyes.

“I mean it,” she said, her voice rising with annoyance.

“I feel so selfish.  What about his needs?  What about his feelings?”  I twirled the pale green comforter around my finger.

“You’re the least selfish person I know.  You’re loyal, and somewhat naïve,” she noted with a chuckle, “but never selfish.  Think of it this way, has he once, in all this time, considered your wants or needs?”  She licked her lips, pulling the corner of her bottom lip between her teeth.  “Well?”

“No, not recently.”

“There you have it.”   She rested her hand on the doorknob, her smile faltering for a moment as she took in my pained expression.  “Kenz, I know this is hard for you, but you’re doing the right thing.  Trust yourself.”

“I’ll try,” I whispered.  Tears pushed against the back of my eyes begging to be released from their confines.  I blinked repeatedly, determined to keep them at bay.  It was bad enough that my head was still pounding.

“Okay.  So, I’m leaving you a key on the table in the foyer.  And since you’re dead set on going to work, tell Jared ‘the wicked witch’ says hi, okay?”

I rolled my eyes.  My wet eyelashes fluttered over my cheekbones.  With a huff, I replied, “I will.”

Olivia wiggled her fingers, waving me off.  “Have a good day, Kenz.  Call me if you need me.”

Quick as a flash, she disappeared out of the room, closing the door behind her.

Like a dam crumbling, the moment she closed that door, I fell apart.  A torrential rain poured down my face, and a cloud of tears fogged my eyes.  Air forced its way into my lungs as the sobs flooded through me.  All the crying I had done prior was nothing compared to this.  Deep hiccups rattled my chest, and the pounding in my head became nearly unbearable.  I curled up into a ball on the bed and wailed in despair. 

Even if I wanted too, I really couldn’t say I was crying over Nate.  I was crying for myself.  Truth be told, I had mourned the loss of Nate for months.  Now, I was mourning the loss of myself.  This was a chance for me to find myself again. 

Once the last tear fell from my eyes, I reluctantly crawled out of the bed.  My dress was wrinkled with sleep and sweat.  If my dress looked this bad, I could only imagine what the rest of me looked like.  An unpleasant chuckle ripped through my chest sounding like a rabid animal had overtaken my body. 

Barefooted, I padded across the plush carpet to my overnig
ht bag.  I rummaged through my overnight bag, locating an outfit suitable for work.  As a speech pathologist for the Sarasota ISD, I wasn’t subjugated to business attire, but I preferred it.  Most of my colleagues stuck with business casual, but I tried to keep an appearance that I would want to see if someone were assisting my child.

On average, I devoted about thirty minutes per session with each child I worked with.  My curriculum was based on the specific child’s needs and goals.  I also worked one on one with their teachers, and then hand in hand with the music therapist for the district.  Lucky for me, Jared and I clicked well both in and out of work.