The Sigh of Haruhi Suzumiya (19 page)

“I fear that the setting within Suzumiya’s movie is becoming the conventional reality of this world. Events transpiring within her movie are becoming reality. At this rate, they will become a normal sight in our world. Like Asahina shooting lasers or cats talking. If she wishes to shoot a scene with a giant meteorite falling, it may really happen.”

The four SOS Brigade members sans Haruhi were gathered in the café in front of the station. Koizumi proposed the establishment of an emergency joint headquarters for the purpose of dealing with Haruhi, and the rest of us agreed. It would appear that the situation was seriously deteriorating at a rapid pace. On the outside, we would have looked like a group of high-schoolers merrily engaged in idle chat (except that Koizumi was the only one smiling), but our meeting was about as suspicious as the evil ringleaders in a tokusatsu getting together to discuss how to seal away the good guys’ special attacks. I should mention that Shamisen was waiting outside by some shrubbery after being instructed not to talk or respond to anybody. The cat simply said “Very well” without any sign of displeasure as he obediently hid under the shade of an evergreen tree by the road and watched us go.

“What will happen…”

Asahina looked remarkably solemn. The poor thing looked especially worn out. She was the one who’d suffered the most as a result of Haruhi’s movie. There was no change in Nagato’s default blank expression. And she was still dressed in black.

Koizumi spoke as he sipped his café au lait.

“If there’s one thing we’ve learned, it would be that it is a bad idea to leave Suzumiya alone to do as she pleases.”

“We don’t need you to tell us that.”

I downed my glass of water in one go. I’d already finished the apple tea I’d ordered.

“Isn’t that why we’re trying to solve the problem of how to stop Haruhi?”

“That’s easy to say, but who could possibly cancel the production of this movie at this point? At the very least, I do not believe I would have a chance.”

Neither do I.

Once Haruhi’s engine is running, she’s going to keep on going until it’s turned off. Maybe she’s related to those fish that die if they stop swimming. Maybe we could trace her family tree and find tuna or bonito among her ancestors.

Nagato silently drank her cinnamon tea looking like she wasn’t thinking about anything at all. Maybe she really isn’t thinking about anything at all. Or maybe it’s because she already knows everything so she doesn’t need to think. Or she’s just a poor talker. After six months, I still have no idea what she’s ever thinking about.

“Nagato, what do you think? Any opinion?”

“…”

Nagato soundlessly returned her cup to the saucer and smoothly turned to look at me.

“Unlike the previous incident, Haruhi Suzumiya has not disappeared from this world.”

Her voice sounded like it was freeze-dried.

“The Data Overmind has determined that is sufficient.”

Koizumi gracefully placed a hand on his forehead.

“But this is a problem for us.”

“There is no problem for us. Rather, we welcome the outbreak of change in our subject of observation.”

“Really?”

Koizumi quickly gave up on Nagato and turned back to me.

“Then we need to decide what genre Suzumiya’s movie will fall under.”

Well, it looks like he’s going to stop making sense again.

“The makeup of a story can be roughly assigned to one of three classifications. One that takes place within the framework of the story, one that destroys the framework and creates a new framework, or one that destroys the framework and restores it again.”

And he’s making a speech or something. Huh? What’s this guy talking about? That would be the general reaction from the audience. Asahina, you shouldn’t be listening to him so earnestly.

“Incidentally, we exist within the framework, so we can only learn about this world through logically thought-out conjecture or observational perception.”

You keep mentioning framework. What do you even mean by that?

“For example, let us consider the ‘reality’ we exist in. I am speaking of the world we live in. On the other hand, the movie Suzumiya is producing would be considered fiction.”

No kidding.

“The perceived problem is that events within fiction are having an effect on ‘reality.’ ”

Miracle Mikuru Eye, doves, cherry blossoms, cat…

“We must guard against the infringement of fiction into reality.”

Koizumi always looked so cheerful when he talked about stuff like this. His sunny face was practically beaming. I resisted by having a gloomy expression on my face.

“Suzumiya’s strange powers are being actualized by using the production of this film as a filter. To guard against that, we must make Suzumiya understand that fiction is just fiction. Since at the moment, she has managed to unconsciously blur the distinction.”

She must really be on a roll.

“We need to use a logical process to prove that fictional events are not real. We must shape this movie into a rational, calm affair.”

“How are we supposed to justify a cat talking?”

“We won’t be justifying anything. That would merely lead to the construction of a world where cats talk. In our ‘reality,’ cats do not talk. We must emphasize that there is something wrong with a talking cat. Because a world where cats can talk cannot possibly be a part of our world.”

“But it’s okay for aliens, time travelers, and espers?”

“Yes, of course. Because they already do exist. That is considered normal in our world. There just happens to be a condition that Suzumiya must not know about it.”

Really?

“Let us pretend that there is an entity watching our world from afar. As far as this effeminate creature is concerned, the ‘real’ world would be, as you mentioned, one free of any paranormal or supernatural phenomena—a world where aliens, time travelers, and espers do not exist—which means that our current ‘reality’ would be viewed as a fictional world.”

So that’s the identity of your God, huh?

“However, that would be the perspective from the outside. You are already aware of the supernatural beings—such as myself and Nagato—that exist in this world. And in order to live in this world, you must accept reality from within the framework. Your concept of reality has changed in the past year.”

“I might have been better off not knowing.”

“Are you sure about that? Well, one thing is certain. Suzumiya’s current condition is similar to your prior one. In other words, her perception of reality has not yet changed. While she may say differently, deep down she does not believe in the existence of supernatural beings. She personally witnessed closed space and Celestials yet she believes that incident to be a dream. Dreams are fictional. Which is why this ‘reality’ still remains our reality.”

Which means what?

“Yes, which is why if fiction continues becoming reality, Suzumiya will recognize it as ‘reality’ and talking cats will become accepted as a part of ‘reality.’ It’s considered weird for a cat to talk, so the realization of talking cats would require the reconstruction of this world. Suzumiya would create a world where talking cats would not be considered strange. It would most likely not be a world out of science fiction. Based on her pattern of thinking, she would probably find that too much trouble. The world would simply fall under the laws of fantasy. Talking cats exist. That’s all that needs to be said. No need for any excuses as to why cats can talk. Because cats will have become talking animals to begin with.”

Koizumi set down his mug and rubbed the ceramic edge with his finger.

“That would be a problem. The principles our world was built on would be turned upside down. I happen to respect what the human race has accomplished through observation and experimentation. On top of that, nobody has ever observed a cat spontaneously talking without any outside influence, which means that nobody would expect it to happen. It would be regarded as a bizarre anomaly in this world.”

“What about you guys? Couldn’t you say the same thing about espers?”

“Yes, that is why we would be considered deviations that disturb the established laws of the world. We exist because of Suzumiya. Which means that the same can be said for this talking cat. An existence derived by Suzumiya for the purpose of appearing in the movie. It would appear that a link is attempting to form between the contents of Suzumiya’s movie and the real world. At least, that’s what we’ve learned.”

“So now we know. Anything we can do about it?”

“First of all, we must decide on a genre for the movie.”

I seriously want to tell him to cut the crap already. Sure, you may enjoy delivering pretentious long speeches, but try to consider how your audience might feel. This is about as bad as an address from the principal at a morning assembly. See, Asahina’s been looking kind of gloomy for a while now.

However, Koizumi apparently hadn’t done enough talking.

“If this were a fantasy world, cats talking, Asahina shooting beams from her eyes, and other such phenomena would require no explanation. Because in such a world, that would be how it always has been.”

I looked outside the window and made sure Shamisen was still there.

“However, if there were a reason for talking cats and Mikuru Beams to exist, that in itself would make this a different world. Cats were talking and Asahina was shooting beams in reality, but we weren’t aware of it. Their existence would be proven through observation. But in that instance, our world would be altered. From a world without supernatural phenomena to a world that includes supernatural phenomena. The real world as we knew it would become a falsity.”

I sighed. It didn’t look like he was ever going to stop talking.

“So basically, if cats can talk, there is a reason why cats can talk. Is that what you’re trying to say? But in that case, what about you, Nagato, and Asahina? Wouldn’t you and the girls be classified as supernatural phenomena?”

“From your perspective perhaps. It is a self-evident truth. From your perspective, the world has already changed. Your perception of the world has changed since you entered high school, has it not? You are already aware of the existence of beings like us, are you not?”

“What are you trying to tell me?”

“Let us return to topic of the film. At this point, what Suzumiya is attempting to make would probably be classified as fantasy. Within the movie, the cat talks and Asahina and Nagato use magical powers without any explanation. That’s just how it works. That’s enough.”

“So we just have to give the cat-demon, time-traveling waitress, and evil mage a reason to exist?”

“But it isn’t so simple. In fact, things would worsen if we did give them a reason to exist. If an observer were to recognize the change within the world of the story between the start and end, it would be the same as accepting their existence. The world would change so that talking cats would be allowed to exist. I can’t say that I would welcome the addition of further complications to this world.”

Neither would I. Only Nagato’s people wouldn’t mind.

“I mentioned earlier that we needed to decide on a genre. I would like to offer the name of a genre at this point. This genre has the potential to disassemble all of the puzzles and supernatural phenomena with rational explanation and return this distorted world to its original state. The only genre where the world is restored at the end to its starting condition and all enigmatic phenomena are eliminated through rational means.”

“What’s that?”

“Mystery. Especially classic mystery. If you utilize the methods of this genre, phenomena that were hard to believe will become just that, phenomena that were hard to believe, without any need for bringing out supernatural elements. Talking cats and Asahina’s killer beams could be explained as being the result of some sort of trick. Our reality would remain unchanged.”

The café waitress came to take our cups, purposely ignoring Asahina the whole time. Once she left, Koizumi continued.

“A cat that can speak a human language obviously goes against the common sense of this world. Nevertheless, a talking cat exists here. Something that should not exist does exist. That is excruciatingly inconvenient for our world.”

He flicked a drop of condensation on his glass.

“To resolve this situation, we must devise a rational ending for the movie. A conclusion that addresses the presence of talking cats, time travelers, and alien mages and can be accepted by everybody—more importantly, Suzumiya—in a logical manner.”

“Does such a thing exist?”

“It does. A conclusion that can transform every illogical occurrence into a something ordinary in a relatively simple manner.”

“Name it.”

“It was all just a dream.”

“…”

Silence fell. Upon all of us. Eventually, Koizumi spoke.

“That wasn’t intended as a joke…”

I directed a scornful look at the gentleman twisting a forelock of hair around his fingers.

“You think Haruhi will accept that? Lies and truths aside, she’s pretty serious about winning that award. And you want to say it was all just a dream? I’m pretty sure she’s not dumb enough to want to make such a retarded movie.”

“How she feels is not relevant. This resolution was determined by our needs. Deeming that everything that happened within the movie was a dream, lie, or mistake is the best way to settle the matter.”

For you maybe. It might be better for me too. But what about Haruhi? She may have already thought up a spectacular, at least in her mind, last scene to use for an ending.

Besides, I don’t want to touch the subject of dreams again. The same goes for your boring, arbitrary expositions.

I stopped by a general store on the way home. I bought the cheapest litter box and a can of cat food that was on sale. I also asked for a receipt, just in case. Shamisen was washing his face with his paws as he waited. I walked off. The cat followed.

“Okay. Don’t say a single word at home. Behave like a cat.”

“I do not understand what you mean when you say to behave like a cat, but I shall do as you request.”

“Don’t talk. Always respond with meow.”