“You all right?” Maddy asked.
Lillian nodded. “Just a bit worn out.”
“You’ve been shielding us every day, and the run-in with those bandits couldn’t have helped.”
Lillian grunted, not wanting to tell another fib. She forced a smile and turned back to the fire. It wasn’t unusual for them to sit in silence, but tonight the silence wasn’t a companionable one, at least not for her. Other nights she’d felt warm and content; tonight she felt a fool.
M
addy covered Emmey with a blanket and glanced over her shoulder at Lillian, who sat huddled near the fire.
“What do you think’s wrong with her, Miss?” Emmey asked.
Surprised, she shifted her attention back to Emmey. “What do you mean?”
“She don’t talk much no more.”
So Emmey had noticed. “I don’t know what’s wrong.” But she was determined to find out. Ever since the day they’d encountered the bandits, Lillian’s demeanour had been different. At first Maddy had thought Emmey’s teasing about her eyesight had irritated Lillian, but over a week was a long time to hold a grudge over something so trivial. Plus, Lillian didn’t seem angry. She seemed subdued, depressed. It didn’t make sense. They’d arrive at the monastery tomorrow. Maddy would have expected her to grow happier as they closed the distance to Merrin, but instead she was more withdrawn, and spent more time on her knees in the mornings.
“Is she mad at me?”
“No. I don’t think it has anything to do with you.” She touched Emmey’s cheek. “Now come on, off to sleep.”
“Miss, what do you think will happen tomorrow?” Emmey asked anxiously.
“I don’t know.” Maddy hoped her own anxiety about tomorrow didn’t show. “But whatever happens, you’ll still have me. If you can’t stay at the monastery, I’ll find you somewhere else.” She had a couple of families in mind who might agree to take Emmey until she could find her somewhere permanent to live. “Now go to sleep. Sleep well.”
Emmey closed her eyes. Maddy watched her drift off with a heavy heart. Even if Emmey was permitted to stay at the monastery, the time would come when they’d have to part. Maddy would visit, but those visits would probably drop in frequency as Emmey settled in with her new family. She’d no longer want or need a robed sister showing up on the doorstep to make sure she was all right.
Maddy would never forget Emmey. But considering how much she remembered of being eight, and perhaps nine, she doubted Emmey would remember much about her in a few years’ time. Maybe that was how it should be. Maddy shook herself. She had a more pressing problem than what would happen tomorrow. She had to find out what was troubling Lillian before they returned to the monastery.
“How are you feeling tonight?” she asked as she sat next to Lillian and slipped her arm around her shoulders.
Lillian’s eyes remained on the fire. “All right.”
“Looking forward to being home tomorrow?”
Lillian nodded.
“Bet you won’t miss Emmey’s chatter.”
Lillian shrugged.
Maddy quietly sighed. “What is it, Lillian? What’s the matter?”
“Nothing.”
She moved to hold Lillian’s hand with the one she didn’t have, then let her stump drop with a sigh. “I don’t believe you. You’re miserable.”
Lillian’s face tightened. “I’m always miserable.”
“No, you’re not. Not like this.”
Silence.
“Is there some reason you’re not looking forward to the monastery?” Maddy asked.
“Why can’t you just leave it?” Lillian muttered, ducking from under Maddy’s arm. She stood and left the fire, stopping a short distance away with her back to Maddy.
Maddy approached her, but didn’t touch her. “I can’t leave it because I care about you and something’s obviously wrong.” Lillian’s back remained turned. After a long silence, Maddy said, “Is it me? Have I done something? Has Emmey?”
Lillian finally faced her.
“Lillian,” Maddy breathed, taken aback by the worry etched across Lillian’s face. “What is it? Please tell me.” She stepped forward, but stopped when Lillian shook her head.
“You have to promise not to laugh. Say anything you want, just don’t laugh,” Lillian said.
“I promise.” She couldn’t imagine what Lillian would say.
“We’ll be back at the monastery tomorrow.”
“Yes.”
“Things will go back to how they were before. I don’t want that anymore.”
Was that why she’d barely said a word for a week? Maddy had thought they were getting along well. Was it because she’d lost her hand? “What do you mean?” she asked quietly.
“I don’t want to go back to that.”
“To what?”
Lillian wrung her hands. “You in your chambers and me in mine.”
Dismay turned to hope.
Could it be?
“I shouldn’t ask, because it’s selfish. I’m older and set in my ways. I won’t change,” Lillian said firmly. “So I shouldn’t ask. But if I don’t ask, I’ll always wonder if it could have been me, if I’d only asked.”
She held her breath.
Lillian met her eyes and gulped. “Will you be my consort?”
Maddy’s voice trembled with excitement and awe. “I would be honoured to be your consort.”
“You—you would?”
“Yes, I would.”
Lillian bit her lip, then grabbed Maddy and embraced her. She pressed her wet cheek against Maddy’s. “I love you.”
Maddy smiled through her tears. “And I love you. And I know you need your time alone,” she said, guessing that was Lillian’s main concern. “Considering how much we’ve been together over the past few months, I’m surprised you’re not sick of me.”
“Me too,” Lillian murmured, making Maddy laugh.
“It’s a good job we’re having this part of the conversation after I’ve agreed to be your consort,” Maddy said. “And don’t worry, I won’t want to spend every moment with you. I’ll have plenty to occupy my time.” Such as relearning to do what had come easily with two hands. “I’ve been thinking about my embroidery. I want to talk to the carpenters, see if they can build a frame I don’t have to hold, for when I’m in my chambers.”
“That’s a good idea.”
“I should still be able to work on tapestries. We use the large frames for those.” Though she wouldn’t go near a tapestry until her left hand was as skilled with the needle as her right had been, which could take months. She drew back. “Have you been building up to this all week? Is that why you’ve been so quiet?”
Lillian nodded. “The closer we got to the monastery, the more I knew I’d miss it.”
“Miss what?” Lillian couldn’t mean their relationship. They hadn’t planned to end it when they reached the monastery.
“Being there for each other at the end of the day and then retiring together. I love our time around the fire.”
“Oh, so do I, Lillian. So do I.” She gazed at Lillian.
My future consort.
She could hardly believe it. “Until our ceremony, we won’t be able to retire together every evening, but I’m sure we can manage a walk.”
“I’d like that very much.” Lillian looked at Maddy uncertainly.
“What?”
“Do you think I’ll ever see you nude again?”
“Perhaps you should have asked that question earlier on,” Maddy said with a chuckle. “Of course you will. With Emmey here . . . I thought it best to put that part of our relationship on hold until we’re home.” Home. She’d never think of the monastery as anything other than home again. Is that why Salbine had permitted her imprisonment? So Maddy would learn what trapped really meant?
Lillian snorted. “I understand that. I wasn’t suggesting we should be rolling around next to the fire. But you never want to bathe with us. Is it because you’re self-conscious . . . about your arm?”
“I was in the beginning, but not now.”
“Then . . .”
Maddy winked. “You’re not the only one who needs time alone, though I don’t need anywhere near as much as you do. The odd time you and Emmey go off to bathe is enough.” She lifted her stump. “I still feel my hand, you know.”
“Do you?”
“Sometimes. And I may have lost it, but I feel whole. I am whole. And so pleased that I’ll be your consort, Lillian. If I look glum tomorrow, it won’t be because of you.”
“Emmey.”
Maddy nodded.
“We’ll do our best to find her a decent home.”
She’d still miss her terribly and wonder about her every day. “You do realize that being my consort means you’ll have no choice but to go to Heath,” she said, not wanting to brood about Emmey just yet. “You won’t be able to back out.”
“I won’t want to. I’ll have a malflowed consort, which means I’ll be very interested in researching the subject,” Lillian said. “Purely out of curiosity, not because it makes a blind bit of difference,” she quickly added.
“I know,” Maddy said, glowing over the “consort” part. Lillian had more than shown that Maddy’s condition didn’t matter to her. She’d left the comforts of the monastery to find Maddy, saved her life, put up with Emmey, and found the courage to propose. Maddy had taken so much; now she would give. She would love and be loyal to Lillian for the rest of their lives. Lillian would come second only to Salbine and Maddy’s vows.
“Shall we go sit by the fire?” Lillian asked.
“Oh, yes.”
They lowered themselves next to it, looked into each other’s eyes, and kissed.
*****
Maddy felt as if she were dreaming as she rode up the road that led to the monastery’s gates. In her squalid cell, she’d sometimes wondered if she’d ever pass through them again, and now they were just ahead. If not for worrying about Emmey, she’d gallop the rest of the way and ride through them with tears of joy. Instead her eagerness to return to her sisters warred with dread.
“There’s men there, Miss,” Emmey said.
The sun reflected off the breastplates of the defenders standing guard at the open gates. “Welcome back,” several of them shouted as Lillian slowed and waited for Maddy so they could walk their horses through together.
“Thank you,” Maddy shouted back.
The moment she was through the gates, she pulled back on the reins. Lillian did the same and dismounted. The defenders at the gates must have spotted them climbing the hill and sent word of their arrival, because a group of sisters had gathered and now rushed forward to greet them, led by the abbess. Maddy dismounted and reached for Emmey.
“Welcome back!” the beaming abbess said, a sentiment echoed by those with her.
Maddy could feel Emmey clinging to her cloak. She put a reassuring hand on her shoulder and smiled at the familiar faces behind the abbess: Rose, Nora, Mistress Averill, and Mistress Elizabeth, among others. Rose’s eyes widened when she saw Emmey. Then she gave her a little wave, warming Maddy’s heart.
Maddy was most interested in Abbess Sophia’s reaction, but the abbess was focused on Lillian; she probably wanted to pull her into a fierce hug. Maddy suspected that would come later.
“Why have you stopped here?” the abbess asked Lillian. “You don’t need permission to enter.”
“We don’t, but we’re not alone.” Lillian looked at Emmey.
The abbess followed Lillian’s gaze. Something—perhaps surprise—flickered across her face. “I see.” She turned to those gathered behind her. “Sister Rose, would you mind caring for our guest while I speak to the mistress and the sister? Perhaps you can accompany the horses to the stables.”
“I don’t mind at all.” Rose leaned forward, her hands on her knees. “Would you like to come with me and the horses . . .” She threw Maddy a questioning look.
“Emmey,” Maddy said.
“Emmey!” Rose smiled. “Would you like to come with me, Emmey?”
“You should go with Sister Rose,” Maddy said when Emmey looked up at her.
“Is she the one you pray for?” Emmey asked.
“Yes, she is.” She met Rose’s eyes. “And I’m very glad to see her.”
Rose’s eyes were moist. “We’ll talk later,” she said, glancing at Maddy’s sewn sleeve. “Right now, this young lady and I are going to the stables.” She held out her hand.
Maddy gently nudged Emmey. “Go on.”
“Will I see you again?” Emmey asked, still clinging to Maddy.
“Yes, you will,” she said, certain the abbess would allow her to say good-bye. “Now go with Sister Rose and Baxter, Griffin, and Ticky.”
“Come on,” Rose said encouragingly, still holding out her hand. Emmey finally took it. “We’ll just wait here a minute for the stable hands to arrive, and then we’ll go with them, all right?”
“Let’s go to my study,” the abbess said.
“Will we see you after evening prayers?” Mistress Averill asked. “Everyone’s eager to welcome you home.”
“Yes, will we?” Nora echoed.
“You certainly will,” Maddy said, looking forward to catching up with everyone, but realizing too late that someone would have to care for Emmey while she was in the chapel—if Emmey was allowed to stay.
Mistress Averill looked at Lillian. “What about you, Mistress?”
“I suppose I can spare a few minutes after the service,” Lillian said.
“Splendid. That’s more than I would have expected,” Mistress Averill said, her mouth turning up at the corners. “Welcome home, both of you.”
Maddy bobbed. “Thank you.”
She and Lillian fell into step with the abbess and Mistress Elizabeth. The abbess squeezed Lillian’s arm but didn’t say anything. As they walked in silence, Maddy wondered if the abbess would explode in anger when they reached her study, though she’d never raised her voice before, at least not within Maddy’s hearing.
The abbess pushed open her study door. “I asked Henry to bring up a bottle of our best wine.” A tray sitting on the small round table between the guest chairs held a bottle and four glasses. “Good, he brought glasses as well. But before we drink, let me properly welcome you home.” She finally reached for Lillian and hugged her, then stepped back and took Lillian’s face in her hands. “It’s so wonderful to see you again,” she said, smiling. “I had quite the scare when Barnabus returned alone.”
“He made it, then?” Lillian said.
“Yes, he did.” The abbess moved to Maddy. “And I’m so pleased you’ve come back to us, Maddy.” Maddy was startled when the abbess moved to embrace her, but recovered in time to hug her back.