LARA got dressed in a pair of jeans, her black high heels and a silky halter-neck top in the prettiest cobalt, which matched her eyes. She only had to run a comb through her hair a few times to make it shine, and it fell down her back with a hint of a curl at the bottom. She’d decided to take advantage of Thursday late-night shopping and get a few things for Noah. One time she’d gone home, he’d worn a white shirt with fluoro squiggles to the pub, something he’d had since the late eighties. Just in case he still had that shirt, she thought she’d better get him a few others.
Within an hour, she’d bought him three T-shirts and two dress shirts. Noah’s size was easy. He was tall but had never changed from ‘scrawny’ so she knew she was safe with a medium. Noah could eat a horse every night and still look like he was starving. That was the Turner metabolism for you. His face came to mind, lean and tanned with brown eyes. She hoped he was getting his hair cut. Last time she’d seen him he’d resembled a shagpile rug. She’d forced him into a chair and cut it herself, horrified to find a
few dreadlocks. ‘Surprised you didn’t get shorn at shearing time,’ she’d said.
Lara’s tummy began to rumble as she walked along the city streets; it was getting close to eight o’clock. The smell of sizzling steaks at a nearby restaurant wasn’t helping. She loved her meat, which she assumed came from her farm upbringing and her mother’s stews, roasts and barbecues. Tempted by the aroma, she headed into the restaurant with her bags slung over one arm and waited to be seated. It was cosy inside, with red and black bench seats along the wall. Low chandelier-style lights hung from the ceiling, giving the room a warm glow. Families were enjoying the start of their weekend time together. An elderly couple sitting in the corner held hands, and behind them a child dropped his fork on the floor. In the booth next to them was a tall man who caught Lara’s eye. She couldn’t mistake the way he tilted his head as he talked, and the immaculate style of his blond hair. Nic did love his hair products.
Lara looked for the clients he was taking out for dinner, but across the table were three kids, flicking peas from their spoons. She recognised them from photos Nic had shown her. He must have had a change of plans. Lara had heard all about his kids – how little Marcie was losing her teeth and Georgie was top in her class at maths, and not forgetting Tyler, who wanted to play football for the Eagles. She’d assumed one day the children would be a part of her life too and revelled in all the details Nic proudly shared. He hadn’t introduced her to them yet; he’d said he wanted to wait until next year, when they had got used to the separation. But that didn’t mean she couldn’t just say hi, as a colleague. She started to walk over to the table.
Another woman beat her to it. Lara stopped in her tracks. It was Emily, Nic’s wife. She was pretty, with long black hair like glossy silk sheets. Emily leant over as she sat down, and they kissed. It wasn’t so much the affectionate kiss that burnt Lara, but the way Nic lifted his hand to brush away Emily’s fringe. It was the same way he held her eyes in a caress for those few seconds, which felt like an eternity, and the way Emily gazed back at him with intense love. Lara felt the heat climb up her neck to her cheeks like the sting from an open-handed slap.
‘Excuse me,’ a waiter said. ‘A table for one or are you meeting someone?’
Lara felt herself tremble as she dragged her eyes away from the devastating scene. ‘Ah, no, I’m … fine. Thanks,’ she managed to squeak before pushing back through the door onto the street like a cat who’d been dunked in water.
In. Out. In. Out. She breathed heavily, her mind in a blur and her anger simmering below. To hell with him, she thought. Lifting her head and squaring her shoulders, she marched back into the restaurant, forced a smile onto her lips and stormed right up to his table.
‘Oh, why, hello, Nicolas. Fancy seeing you here,’ she said, as cheerfully as she could manage. She touched his shoulder, making sure to dig her nails in and get his full attention.
Nic coughed and reached for his wine glass while Emily glanced at Lara curiously.
‘Hi,’ Lara said to Emily and hoped the well-dressed woman couldn’t see the torment in her eyes. ‘I hope you don’t mind if I interrupt your lovely dinner, but I saw Nic and thought I’d better say hello.’
‘No, not a problem,’ Emily said warily. ‘How do you know Nic?’
Lara glanced at Nic, who’d been avoiding her gaze, perhaps hoping she might disappear if he didn’t look at her. Oh, how Lara would love to say exactly how well she knew Nic, but she couldn’t do it. Not to Emily and not in front of his kids. They deserved better.
‘Well …’ Lara started, waving her hand and trying to think of a reply.
‘Lara works in our building,’ Nic cut in quickly and smiled reassuringly at his wife. He turned to Lara, his eyes full of fear.
‘That’s right,’ Lara said, smiling at Nic, knowing she had done her job and unable to bear it any more. ‘Look, I have to rush off, but it was nice to see you all. I hope you enjoy your dinner.’
She strutted all the way to the exit. Once out the door, she staggered around the corner and fell into a bus-stop seat, deflated. Traffic whizzed past along the city street as she gazed at nothing, trying to digest what she’d just seen. Her heart was thumping so hard it ached and throbbed in her neck.
Damn him, damn him
, she wanted to scream. Tears finally welled up in her eyes as the reality sank in. She felt so stupid. A total joke. She had believed him. He’d told her time and again that it was over with his wife, but
that
– what she’d just seen – wasn’t over. That was not a couple keeping it together for the kids.
He’d lied to her about that, and about the so-called meeting tonight. Nic would never leave Emily, never. Lara was just his entertainment, a bit on the side. Oh, God – how long had he planned to string her along?
Tears rolled down Lara’s cheeks. She felt dirty, cheap and used. Well, there was no way she wanted him either, not like this. She wouldn’t ruin a marriage on purpose. Lara dragged her hand across her cheeks, wiping away her tears with force. Damn him to hell. She pulled out her phone and managed to call Mel.
‘Hey, Lara,’ said Mel.
‘Oh, Mel,’ Lara sobbed.
‘Lara? Are you okay? What’s wrong? You sound terrible.’
‘Nic’s been lying to me,’ Lara said between shaky breaths, fresh tears lining her face. ‘I don’t know what to do.’ She was more distraught at being deceived than at the thought of losing Nic. Right now she was repulsed by him.
‘Hang in there, Lara. I’ll call Anna and we’ll meet you.’
They organised to meet at the coffee shop just around the corner from where Lara was sitting.
With one last look towards the restaurant, Lara got up and headed down the street. Tears ran silently down her face with each shuddering breath. She felt like a silly teenager who’d been taken advantage of and lied to. As her heels clipped unsteadily along the street, she thought of the waste and the humiliation.
Twenty minutes later, the girls arrived.
‘Hey, sweetie,’ Mel said as she entered the cafe with Anna. Mel’s round face was slightly flushed and a pen was lodged behind her left ear. Lara plucked it out and Mel squeezed her in a tight hug.
‘I’m okay,’ she tried to reassure them.
Anna hugged her too before they all sat down and ordered coffees and cheesecake. Lara glanced at her friends. She’d instantly connected with Mel in boarding school, and Anna and Mel had
been friends since primary school. Mel had lost her mum when she was fourteen so she knew how Lara had felt when she’d lost her own mother seven years later.
‘Thanks so much for coming,’ Lara said. ‘It must have been hard for you to get away from the kids, Anna. I really appreciate it.’
‘Of course we’d come,’ Anna said, reaching out to squeeze Lara’s hand. ‘Paul’s home with the kids, so everything’s fine. Now, tell me – what’s up? It sounds serious.’
Lara looked to Mel for help.
‘Nic’s been lying to Lara about what’s going on at home.’
Slowly and painfully, Lara filled them in on how she’d seen Nic in the restaurant. She felt the tears welling up again and smiled when Mel passed her a napkin.
‘You really thought he’d leave her?’ Anna asked.
Lara nodded sadly. ‘I wouldn’t have stayed with him otherwise. He assured me it was all over. When we first met, he told me that he was separated. I believed him. I really thought we’d be together one day.’
‘I wish I could have seen you face him. God, I wish I had your balls, Larz,’ said Anna. ‘Are you sure they hadn’t just made up, or were putting it on for the kids?’
Lara slumped forward in her chair. ‘From where I stood, they looked very much in love. And his face had guilt written all over it when he saw me.’
‘I’m so sorry, Lara,’ Anna said. ‘That really sucks.’
‘That’s bloody men for you!’ Mel said as the waiter unloaded a big slice of cheesecake, three forks and three coffees into the middle of the table.
‘God, I hope not,’ said Anna, pulling up the sleeves on her mismatched tracksuit. She drooped over her coffee, wrapping both hands around the mug.
‘Sorry, Anna,’ said Mel. ‘Your Paul’s an exception.’
Anna sighed. ‘Probably not for long, the way we’re going.’
‘What do you mean?’ Lara asked.
Anna waved a hand over herself. ‘Well, look at me, for Christ’s sake. I feel like a slob next to you guys. I haven’t washed my hair in nearly a week, and my legs haven’t been shaved in months!’ She looked at Lara. ‘I still love him and I know he loves me but it’s just so hard these days. Paul used to have my undivided attention but now the kids get all that, and as for a sex life …’ Anna rolled her eyes and lowered her voice. ‘I’m just too exhausted. The last time we had sex was over a month ago and I was barely awake.’
Lara and Mel raised their eyebrows simultaneously.
‘It sounds scary, I know, but there’s nothing passionate about it any more. I’m just too tired. And men say they actually
need
sex …’
Lara leant in closer. ‘But Paul would never cheat on you, would he?’
Anna shrugged. ‘Who knows? I hope not. I should try to give him more attention, but it just never happens. Sex has become another chore that I feel like ticking off my list with the rest of them. But I still love him. I’m just hoping that once the kids are older, it will get better.’
Lara’s eyes were wide in shock. ‘Wow, and I thought the hard part was
finding
a partner. That it was all perfect once you got married.’
‘Sorry, girls,’ Anna said, laughing. ‘It’s not all doom and gloom.
It’s also amazing and totally rewarding, and we love our kids to death. Gotta take the good with the bad, you know?’
‘Hmm, you two should get a babysitter and go out at least once a month to try to reconnect. I’ll come and watch the kids if you need me to,’ Lara offered. ‘I didn’t realise it was that hard.’
Anna squeezed her hand. ‘Well, then, I’ll definitely talk to Paul about it.’
Lara grinned at her friends but was distracted by the overwhelming shame that was still brewing in her belly.
‘Sweetie, what are you thinking?’ asked Mel, waving her hand in front of her friend’s eyes. ‘You’re staring off into space.’
Lara shook her head clear. ‘Oh, sorry. I just can’t believe it,’ she said. ‘Here I was thinking things were perfect for us. I’ve been so busy trying to get this promotion, but we did plan to spend more time together after that, so I could get to know the kids.’
‘Don’t worry about Nic. If he wanted to be with you already he would have found a way – wife or no wife. I’m sorry to be so frank, Lara, but you deserve much better. I always thought so, anyway.’
‘Me, too,’ said Mel.
‘Thanks, guys. Whatever would I do without you?’
‘Any time,’ Mel said, and Anna blew her a kiss across the table.
‘Hey, guess what?’ said Lara, remembering her other news. ‘I’m going home to Erindale for the weekend.’
‘Oh, wow. That’s great,’ said Mel. ‘Wish I was going with you but I’ve got another neutering to do on a dog.’
‘Mel, when are you
not
fixing up some cat or dog?’ Lara said, laughing.
Mel had been inspired to become a vet at the age of thirteen,
when she’d come to the farm with Lara for a long weekend. She had been beside herself with all the animals – lambs and a pet kangaroo called Boing, chickens and Squawk the cocky. For a city girl, Mel took to them like a natural and declared before they left that she’d become a vet, especially after watching Lara’s mum save lambs all weekend. That was the first and last time Mel had ever come out to the farm. The following year her mother had died in a car accident and Mel had been the woman of the house ever since, looking after her younger brother and father.
‘So what’s prompted this visit home, then?’ Mel inquired. ‘Is work getting to you?’ She studied Lara like a protective mother. ‘You do work far too hard, you know.’
Lara let Anna’s last comment slide as she shook her head. ‘No, my brother wants to talk to me about something and it’d be nice to see my dog again. I should be back by Sunday night.’ Lara looked at them lovingly. ‘Thanks again, guys, for rushing to my aid. It was just a shock, you know …’ Tears prickled in her eyes.
‘You don’t need him.’
‘He’s so not worth it, Lara!’
‘You’re really better off without him.’
‘Shall we go on?’ Mel asked.
Lara smiled. Who needed men when you had great friends?
LARA clung to the bar on the back of the ute with her brother beside her. The wind rushed past her face, teasing her hair, and it brought the strong smell of eucalyptus in the warm evening air. Together they screamed the words to Alice Cooper’s song ‘Poison’. Lara was twelve and it was their favourite.
The ute slowed down as her dad began to drive through the sandy gully. Her mum poked her head out of the window, yelling, ‘Encore!’ Mum’s laugh was light and infectious. Lara watched, entranced, as her mum’s long, honey-blond hair swirled around her face and her green eyes sparkled like emeralds under sunlit water. She was the best mum in the world, who’d always have fun with them, whether they were out riding their motorbikes or playing games in the dirt outside the house. She’d help them build cubby houses in the bush and leave them to play, only to be back in twenty minutes with a picnic feast, and they’d light a fire and boil the billy and roast marshmallows.
Lara didn’t move or open her eyes as she lay awake between
the cotton sheets, clinging to her vivid memories. She could still remember so much. The brightness of her mum’s green eyes and the smile that had always held Lara captivated. So alive and so real. Her heart ached with what it could no longer have. It was only at night that her parents came to her so lifelike and vibrant. She hated to admit it, but during the day they were harder to remember. In the city with her busy life it was almost possible to forget that they were gone. At times, she almost believed they were still running the farm back home. Sometimes it was easier just to pretend they were.
When the last wispy vision of her mum had floated away, Lara groaned and threw back the covers. She caught her naked self in the full-length mirror on the other side of her room. She didn’t look too bad for twenty-eight, in her opinion, considering she had a sweet tooth for Skittles and chocolate logs. Lucky her parents had been lean and tall. But sometimes her legs were annoyingly long and it could be hard to find a decent pair of jeans.
She shook out her blond hair until it unravelled down her back, almost to her waist. Her mum had had long hair and Lara had always envied it. She couldn’t bear the thought of cutting it off, as it felt like she’d be cutting off a part of her mum. Silly, she knew, but it helped her to remember her mum and she felt closer to her because of it. Lara squinted at the mirror. Her eyes looked puffy, their bright blue now resembling an overcast day. Too much crying made her look like she’d been stung by a bee. ‘Looks like I’ll be wearing make-up to the farm today,’ she said to her reflection.
It was a few hours into her trip before the swelling began to fade. She couldn’t help the tears that had sprung up as she’d tried
to fall asleep last night. Images of Nic’s tender touch on Emily’s face swirled around in her dreams, causing her to wake often. She’d been on the road by six and now, three hours later, after a bacon and egg toastie at the roadhouse for breakfast, she was just minutes from home. She felt butterflies in her belly and tingles on her skin, and the hair at the back of her neck prickled as the surroundings became more and more familiar.
Her blue Holden Commodore, Mildred – or Millie, as she was affectionately known – drove over the rough corrugated gravel with ease, as if she’d been driving here every day of her life. She was the car her parents had bought for Lara when she’d turned eighteen. Her mum had picked the name and it’d stuck. They didn’t get her a small city car as they wanted her to return to the farm as often as possible. So Millie it was, and she’d never missed a beat.
As much as her friends moaned about old Millie, Lara didn’t want to part with her. Maybe they expected a much newer car because of Lara’s job and salary, but Millie was simple and Lara knew how to check her oil and water. She had seen under the hood of the newer cars and had no idea where to even find the dipsticks.
The farm entry came into view. A rusty old yellow fridge was the only indication that the side road led to a farmhouse, but to Lara it meant so much more. It was the road home. The fridge had ‘Turner’ painted on it in red and was used to collect the mail and milk twice a week.
Lara’s stomach flipped as she turned Millie down the road. She could remember waiting by that fridge for the school bus to arrive when she was a kid. She and Noah would always play in the large salmon gum nearby until her mum yelled that the bus
was coming. When they got older, they were allowed to ride their bikes the two kilometres to the bus, and when they were older still they’d take it in turns to drive the old red Mini. Driving down this road brought back so many memories, and such clear memories too – as if it were only yesterday that she’d done a hand-brake skid in the Mini down the driveway, causing Noah to hit his head on the dash. Lara smiled to herself. She missed her childhood. She sure missed having parents.
She knew coming home would do this – bring her memories to life. Some she welcomed but there were others that she dreaded.
Lara drove straight to the big shed covered with dull corrugated tin, where she knew Noah would still be shearing. A white van and a couple of utes were parked outside under nearby trees. Wooden sheep yards held various sheep – some shorn and bright white and others still heavy with wool. Lara pulled up next to Noah’s silver ute and headed up the stairs in her favourite black pumps. Maybe a tad overdressed, she thought briefly, but she was so used to dressing this way. She’d forgotten what a pair of work boots felt like. She could still remember her excitement when her parents had finally bought her a pair of leather boots, at the age of ten. She’d cried with happiness, feeling like a real farmer at last. Her mum had given her a sympathetic smile and said, ‘Oh, honey. You don’t want to be a farmer. That’s not a life for our girl. Become a brilliant accountant or teacher.’ She had always wanted better things for her daughter.
With a flick of her finger, Lara pushed her sunnies back into her long hair like a headband, and stepped into the dark shed. It took a moment for her eyes to adjust as the sound of the handpieces and the smell of the lanolin guided her in. She saw four shearers
and only recognised old Ronny on the end, who’d been shearing sheep for them for as long as she could remember. Just seeing his tattoo-covered arms and threadbare shearing pants made her feel twelve again. Two of the shearers were very young, late teens or early twenties, and the guy on the end, who was around Noah’s age, made her stop and stare. He was a big bloke, tall and sturdy like a power pole, with dark hair. And his arms! She’d forgotten men’s arms could look so strong and powerful. In her job, she didn’t get to see anything like that, unless the bloke was a gym junkie and lived on protein shakes. Her boyfriend before Nic had been a personal trainer at the gym she was going to with Mel over a year ago. But that had only lasted a month – the gym and the bloke. She’d mainly dated office guys like Nic. His arms were long, but thin and even, not bulging with muscle. Damn. Why did she have to think of Nic? She’d promised herself not to.
Giving the shearer a last glance, she turned towards the skirting table. She guessed Noah would be there classing, overseeing the wool. He had his back to her so she walked over and tapped him on his bare shoulder. ‘Gee, they must be desperate to have you in the shed,’ she yelled over the sound of the motors.
Noah turned around, a grin spreading across his lean cheeks.
‘Sis!’ he yelled, throwing his arms around her.
He was sticky with sweat and smelled like the back end of a sheep, but this was hard-working Noah, just how she remembered him.
A loud wolf whistle rang out behind her. ‘Hey, boys, get a load of this beauty,’ said Ronny. He stood with his hands on his hips, watching Lara with a cheeky grin.
She couldn’t help but smile as Noah led her over to the shearers. ‘Hey, Ronny. Good to see you’re still kickin’ about,’ Lara said before kissing him on the cheek.
Ronny turned a shade of red and the tattoo of Betty Boop on his arm unwrinkled as he puffed up his muscles like a peacock. ‘Aw, hey, Miss Lara. Good to see you back here.’
The two boys next to him had also stopped, and she watched the handsome one finish off his sheep with ease. He stood up and oiled his handpiece.
‘Lara, those two larrikins are Dero and Sack.’ Noah pointed out the two youngest shearers. ‘They’re blow-ins, trying to get a full-time gig shearing.’ Lara smiled at them before they went about their business. Noah turned back to the good-looking fellow. ‘And I want you to meet my best mate, Jack. Jack, this is my little sis, Lara.’ Noah slapped the dark-haired guy on the back.
Jack held out his hand, and then, perhaps realising how dirty it was, began to pull it back. Lara reached out her hand and slipped it into his. His grip was strong but gentle.
‘Nice to meet you, Jack.’ Her clean white skin was almost lost inside his deep tanned hand. Her gaze travelled up his arm to a Maori
ta moko
tattoo, then to his ruggedly handsome face, across the black stubble and strong jaw to his deep green eyes. He wore a black shearing singlet that exposed the dark hairs on his wide chest. He was a real specimen of a man. The kind who chops down big trees, fixes cars and rides around on a stallion rescuing princesses – well, in dreams at least.
Eventually Jack let her hand go and smiled, which softened his whole face, giving it a sexy edge.
‘Noah’s sister, hey?’ he said with a slight Kiwi accent, his eyes still fixed on Lara. Sweat glistened on his arms like oil on a cover model.
Lara glanced towards Noah, who stood just as tall as Jack but skinny in comparison. ‘Yep. She’s the other Turner.’ Noah laughed as he brushed his hand through his long, scruffy brown hair, shifting fragments of wool stuck there.
‘I do recall Noah mentioning you a few times, come to think of it.’
‘You too.’ Jack looked her up and down purposefully. The heat in his gaze sent shivers down her spine. ‘He left a few things out, though,’ he said with a cheeky smile. He was rubbing his left arm, where a wide scar ran nearly from shoulder to elbow.
‘Oh, come on, Jack. As if I’m gonna go around saying my sister’s hot,’ said Noah, rolling his eyes.
‘Hey, I’m still here.’ Lara slapped Noah’s arm. ‘Well, seeing as you’re busy, I might just head back to the house and settle in, maybe organise some dinner.’
Noah kissed her on the forehead. ‘That sounds great, sis. I’m glad you came. I’ll try to knock off early, or you could always come back and help?’
Lara put her finger to her mouth as she thought. ‘Umm, no.’
Noah laughed as she waved goodbye to Jack and Ronny and headed to the doorway. She paused, glancing back into the mayhem that was beginning again. Her eyes automatically sought Jack’s dark hair and chiselled body. Fancy finding something that gorgeous in Noah’s shearing shed. It seemed a shame to leave. Jack looked up, as if sensing her eyes. She smiled, caught out, and he winked. Time to go before she blushed.
She drove Millie back to the house which sat a few hundred metres back in a section of bush. She couldn’t help but look at the old flying fox that their dad had built for them. It went from a large gum tree, which had metal rods stuck in it for a ladder, over a heap of scrub bush and mallee trees, down to the bottom of another large gum tree fifty metres away. Her dad was so clever –
had been so clever
, she corrected herself – always building them swings and fun things to play with. They were outside kids. Now she was an inside adult, stuck in an office all day with a pen and a phone as her tools.
Lara drove past the large wire dog pens and into the two-car shed off to the right of the house. She climbed out of the car, smiling as familiar smells tugged at her memories. The shed hadn’t changed at all. The same earth floor, corroded rabbit traps resting on the internal beams, old boxes and cupboards against the back wall. No doubt still containing bits of stuff that didn’t have a place in the house.
She pulled out her overnight case and carried it to the cracked cement pathway so that dirt wouldn’t get in the trolley wheels. Noah had let the garden go a bit, she noticed. The only things still alive were the roses, which were just damn hardy, and the lawn and other shrubs that were on reticulation. There was a large tank near the house, which meant they had to cart water from the standpipe twenty kilometres away. She could remember times when the toilet wouldn’t flush or you couldn’t get a drink from the tap because they’d run out of water.
As she opened the wooden gate, dog barks erupted. Lara dropped her bag when she saw the kelpie come running towards her as fast as his arthritic legs could go.
‘Dippa! Is that you, boy? Holy heck, you’ve gotten old.’ She bent over and rubbed the black and tan kelpie’s ears, cradling his head in her hands as she crouched down. ‘Oh, Dippa. I’ve missed you. How’ve ya been, hey?’ She lovingly patted his muzzle where it had greyed.
Dippa tried his hardest to lick Lara’s hands as she felt a nudge under her arm and another wet nose pressed up close.
‘Hey, Roy. You’re lookin’ good too.’ Roy was Noah’s old Red Cloud farm dog and was a few years younger than Dippa. His body didn’t give away his age; Noah must still take him out a lot for a run behind the sheep.
The dogs followed her to the back door of the house and sat themselves down on the concrete floor of the veranda. Lara opened the flywire door and let herself in. She loved that she didn’t have to use keys. She’d remembered not to lock her car – Noah had laughed himself silly last time she’d done that.
The wooden door shut loudly behind her as she moved along the passageway, looking up at its high ceilings. She stopped at the second door. Her door. She opened it and walked into the light-green room with its white cupboards and bed.
‘Oh my God!’ She laughed, her hand coming to her mouth. Stuck on the wall were posters of Pearl Jam, Counting Crows, Nirvana, and a large one of Aaron Jeffery as Alex on
McLeod’s Daughters
. Mm, nice and strong. A lot like Jack. She smiled at the thought. Lara threw her case on the bare mattress and coughed as a dust cloud reached her. Noah obviously hadn’t stepped foot in here since she’d left.