The Red Thread (31 page)

Tommy stares down at his hand for a moment, before finally deciding to play along. “Nice to meet you, bro.”

“So, Tommy, I’m so glad you’re here. What made you change your mind?”

“I wanted some of your mother’s cooking.”

“I’m being serious,” I respond.

“So am I,” he fights back with bite to his voice.

Silence reigns once again. Not one of us knows what to say. I can’t exactly just say “Hey how goes living with low-life scum?” now can I? That’d be rude, or so I’ve been told.

“So are you still living with—”

“No,” he cuts me off, before I can even finish. A part of me wants to sigh with relief, but the other part grows scared at the thought of where he could be living now. Is he at a place much worse… or is he back living with his father? Both thoughts frighten me. I don’t want to see my closest friend living in a place like that.

“Before you ask, I’ve moved back home. I’m going to find a place to live. I have to.”

“I c-c-c-can help.”

Tommy and I both look up at Adam.

“How?” Tommy incredulously asks.

“My f-f-f-friend is l-looking for a new r-r-r-r-roommate?”

“Really?”

“Yes. I, I, I can g-g-give you his number. His n-n-name is K-K-Korey.”

Adam grabs a small notepad off my desk and quickly writes down the name and number, handing it to Tommy. This guy might be saving my friend’s life. I look over at Tommy, whose eyes are wider than a scared child’s.

“Are you fucking with me?”

“I’m n-not
f-f-f-fucking
with you,” Adam says. The curse word sounds so odd coming from his lips. When he curses, he sounds like he is saying a foreign word he does not understand. It’s adorable. He really needs to make me stop falling for him more and more. It’s just getting ridiculous now.

Tommy holds the small yellow lined paper in his fingers. He can’t take his eyes away from it. Is his nightmare finally over? Please let his nightmare finally be over. He pockets the small slip of paper, remaining silent—though silent from gratitude or from fear, I have no idea. His life could be heading in a new direction, and a new future may be the result, one he never foresaw coming. I hope for a better future, a safe one for my best friend. I of all people know the world is an unfair place, but maybe it could at least become more bearable if we try.

I look over at Adam, and I can’t help but be thankful for everything he is doing. Not only has he come into my life and somehow made it better, but he’s also trying to help Tommy. He is lending a hand to someone who needs it, not because he has to but because he wants to. Adam has a rare gift that is absent from many people—compassion.

Tommy’s voice grabs my attention. “So I’m going to go before you two lovebirds start making out in front of me.”

“You don’t have to go,” I tell him.

He smiles. “Yeah I do.” I tell Adam I’ll be right back, and I walk Tommy to the front door. I give him a hug while he does that thing guys do where they have to pat your back. It’s like they’re enforcing their manliness by doing that. Yeah, I don’t get it. It doesn’t make a hug any less of a hug.

“I like him, Jess. He’s good for you.”

“Thank you.” I didn’t realize I wanted my friends’ approval of Adam, but hearing Tommy giving us his blessing warms my heart and makes me feel good. It’s like there is this glow inside, which just continues to get brighter. I watch him leave, and I find Adam lying on my bed, his shoes kicked off onto the floor. He opens up his arms, and I leap at him like a fierce cheetah going after its prey. He laughs as I kiss his neck, and I snuggle against his body.

No one has ever made me feel so protected before in my life. When I was a child, I was always so afraid. I didn’t even speak until I was three. My parents thought I had a mental handicap, and they brought me to speech therapists, but they said nothing was wrong. I just didn’t talk. I finally said my first real word right before my third birthday. It was “I’m hungry.” Okay, so two words. I can imagine my parents’ faces now.

“Wh-what are, are you thinking a-about?” he whispers into my ear before slightly kissing it.

“Nothing really. Stupid life things.”

“S-s-s-s-s-stupid life th-things?”

“Yeah.”

“C-c-care to elaborate?” Not really. I look over at him and I smile, lightly kissing him on the lips. He grabs the sides of my face, and he deepens the kiss. Well, that shut him up. I like this technique. It will be very useful in the future. Nothing could stop this happiness I’m feeling right now.

“D-do you w-w-wanna s-s-s-s-spend the night at m-my place?” he asks in a low deep voice. His fingers slide up and down my arms, and I can’t stop the resulting shudder. I close my eyes and imagine how those hands would feel on my skin.

“Yes,” I answer. I keep my voice steady and strong. I don’t sound meek as I answer.

HIS APARTMENT
is cold as he takes my jacket. He hangs both of our coats in the small closet right next to the front door. A slight shiver comes over me, and the hairs on my arms stick up. I bite my lip as I take in Adam’s round bottom, which looks oh so good in his tight pants.

I watch Adam disappear into the kitchen, and I take a seat on the couch. Calm down, Jess, calm down. My breathing is rapid and my heart beats like a jackhammer. What am I so nervous about? This is Adam. Lovely, perfect Adam. Well, perfect for me. He comes back with two glasses of water and sits down beside me. The clock turns twelve on the wall.

“Happy N-New Year,” Adam says as he kisses my cheek.

“It isn’t New Year’s,” I whisper into his ear, nibbling at the soft skin at the bottom.

“T-t-t-tonight it, it is.”

New Year’s is supposed to be a time of new beginnings where we make resolutions and goals. I made one resolution for this year—happiness. Whether it is with Adam, or just through my own self-discovery, I want to finally find the happiness I have been searching for my entire life.

The kiss deepens, and I don’t know when Adam shuts off the television, but we are met by silence. Everything disappears, leaving only Adam and me alone in our own little world. Adam’s hands slide up under my shirt, and I feel them stop abruptly. No, please not now. The world we inhabit comes crashing down, and a bus known as reality hits me full force.

“J-J-Jess?”

Don’t let this happen. Not now. Not here. Everything was going so perfectly.

He starts to pull up my shirt, but I quickly force it back down, pleading with my eyes for him to stop. I can’t let him see me like this. I can’t let him see me for who I truly am.

“P-please let me s-s-see,” he whispers.

I look away, and I allow him to pull my shirt up, and I hear his gasp. Here it is. Here is when he finally realizes what I’m like and runs away. I open my eyes as he takes in every single one of my scars, each one more disgusting than the last. My body looks like a fucked-up drawing. Little lines of raised pink flesh run up my sides, and he hasn’t even seen my arms yet.

“B-b-but why?”

“I told you once. I’m a very sad man, Adam. I’m sorry.”

“D-d-d-don’t apologize.”

He kisses my lips, and I close my eyes as his fingers slowly glide over each one of my scars. Adam takes his time, and he bends to kiss each one of them. He looks at my wrists and places a long kiss on each of my scarred wrists.

“Y-you’re s-s-s-s-s-so beautiful.”

“You have a fucked-up sense of beauty,” I joke.

He kisses my lips, and I feel a weird sensation of comfort. No one has seen me shirtless in I don’t know how long. The last person to do that was a doctor who would routinely check my body in the most awkward of manners to make sure no new scars had been added to the canvas, also known as my body.

I allow my hands to slide under his shirt, and he pulls it over his head. I let my fingers roam everywhere from his arms to his chest all the way down his torso. His muscles clench under my touch.

“I love your muscles,” I state.

Adam lets out a little giggle. “You’re s-s-s-so cute.”

Our hands seem to touch every spot of our upper bodies until they rest at the waistbands of our jeans. He backs away, and I feel my heart pound a million miles per hour.

“I, I can s-s-s-s-stop,” he states, sounding nervous. I see the sweat building on his forehead. The apartment has suddenly become hotter than an oven.

But I don’t want him to. Yes, I’m nervous, but it’s not like that time I slept over. It’s different now. It’s a good nervous. An excited nervous.

I shake my head. “No, keep going.”

“R-really?”

I nod and bring his lips back to mine as he unbuttons my jeans. He does it quick, but when I try to do it to him, I fumble and have to break the kiss to use a second hand. I see the peek of green underwear. He slides my jeans down my legs, revealing my blue briefs. Never in my life have I felt so exposed. It’s not just because I’m almost naked, but I’m allowing Adam to see a lot of me, almost all of me. It’s both scary and exhilarating. He helps me by taking off his own pants. The sight of him in green briefs is a picture that will be forever ingrained into my memory. I look back and just take in the sight. The only way I could seem more awkward is if I was literally drooling at the sight. I wipe my lips just to play safe. No drool, thankfully.

“You like?” he asks.

“Very much so,” I reply. Goddamn, I very much like. I love.

We kiss again, allowing our hands to roam everywhere, and I do mean everywhere this time. I’m not experienced, but I feel like a brand-new canvas, and his fingers are just paintbrushes that paint pictures on my skin. They allow me to forget about the old sketches of my past life.

When our underwear comes off, I feel my entire body shaking. He asks if I’m okay, and I nod. I don’t know why I’m shaking, but I don’t want to stop what we’re doing. Everything feels too good and it all just feels so wonderful to me. All these new sensations. I never want them to stop. He pulls me off the couch and leads me to his bedroom. I lie down on his bed, waiting to feel his body against mine.

We make love that night. It’s not like it seems in the movies where it’s perfect and everything goes well. I mean, yes, it’s beautiful, and I love everything, but there is a lot of fumbling and a bit of pain. The pain does subside, and it does start to feel somewhat good, but we’re both so incredibly awkward.

But even with all the awkward and even some embarrassing moments, I wouldn’t change it for the world. I’m glad my first time is with Adam.

Afterward I find his head on my naked chest. We lie together skin to skin. There are no layers of clothing, no barriers separating us. For the first real time in my sad and lonely life, I feel like I am one with another.

I don’t feel alone.

I WAKE
up to the warm sun shining through the room, beating on the bare flesh of my arm, which hangs off the bed. I look over to see a much taller man asleep. His muscular arm is wrapped around my pale waist. I smile as the memories of the night before play back in my head like a fantastic movie. Adam is still asleep. His hair is a mess, and he has a small smile on his face. I have the urge to run my fingers over his cheek, but the fear of waking him stops me. He looks so peaceful, so beautiful. If I could, I would spend a lifetime just watching him sleep. Never in my life have I seen someone so beautiful. It is as if he is an angel sent from above.

He begins to stir, and his eyes try to open. He squints as the sun shines on his face.

“G-good m-morning,” he whispers in a barely awake, raspy voice.

“Good morning.” Even I can hear the happiness in my voice.

I try to move, but his strong arm wraps tighter around my waist, pulling me closer to his body. The warmth of his skin radiates onto mine. I feel his smile as he nuzzles the back of my neck.

“W-where d-do you think you’re g-g-going?” he asks playfully.

“I
was
going to make a cup of tea. Would you like some?”

After a moment of silence, he finally responds. “That w-w-would be f-f-fantastic. I’ll c-come to the k-k-kitchen with you, you.”

“You don’t have to….”

“Sh-shush. I’ll h-help.”

I turn around and smile at him. “Thank you, Adam.”

He kisses me lightly on my lips, and for that second, all seems right in the world. All the pain and sadness I have felt for years erases from my mind for that one moment I am touching Adam.

“You l-l-look happy, Jess.”

“That is because I am,” I answer.

“You s-s-s-s-sound s-s-s-s-s-surprised.”

“That is because I am. This is the first time in my life I have ever been truly happy. It feels so wonderful and odd but….”

I can’t find the words. How do I describe this feeling? Am I content? No. I’m not just content. I am something more. How do I explain this happiness?

“P-perfect,” Adam finishes.

I smile at him. “Yes. This is perfect. I feel perfect.”

He runs his calloused fingers over the side of my face, covered in light stubble. I close my eyes at his touch.

“You’re m-m-more b-beautiful than you r-r-r-r-realize, J-Jess. You r-r-really are.”

I open my eyes as he stares at me, his hand still resting on my cheek. I pull his hand toward my lips, and I place a small kiss upon the tips of his fingers.

“Shut up.” I awkwardly laugh.

“N-no, you r-r-r-r-really are. Trust m-me.”

I look into his eyes. There is not an ounce of doubt written across his face. His gray-blue eyes plead for me to believe what he tells me. He runs his hand through my hair and pulls me in for a kiss.

As I ease away, I can’t stop the smile from appearing on my face. “Do you want that tea?”

He laughs. “S-s-sure. Let’s g-go.”

I sit on the edge of the bed, pulling my glasses off Adam’s night table, and settling them on the bridge of my nose. I feel Adam’s arms around my waist, and his lips are soft on my pale neck.

“If you continue to kiss me like that, we’ll never get up from this bed.”

“You s-s-s-s-say that like it, it is a b-b-b-b-bad thing,” he whispers. I can feel his smirk against my neck.

“Come on.”