The Power of Forgetting (5 page)

‘Time travel?’
Davey said suddenly, and much louder, ‘You mean flipping Time
travel! I knew you had to be a quiet one for a reason other than
shyness.’

‘A quiet one?’
I repeated, ‘I think more like totally invisible. I wasn’t going to
tell you both. I’m so sorry. But his is why I’m crazy… yes I know
that is actually true. I’m not denying it…’ I thought of Hanson’s
sneering at me then. He couldn’t understand the irony of his taunt,
and know why I was so dangerous. I had no control. I supposed in a
vague kind of way I had to practice from now on… that’s why I had
to see Karis if I could; fairly soon. But the barriers were back in
place now.

‘You can do all
of that stuff that Aiden could and more?’ Marcia was talking with a
kind of awed shock. I found it a bit uncomfortable. But she soon
looked at me differently.

‘You have been
suffering this… all the time. And not been able to tell. That is
why you wanted to go to join that secluded order?’ she coloured up
then, realising she had let something slip in front of Davey.

‘Yes. It’s
true.’ I said, ‘they were the only other people who I could be
around and it didn’t torment me all the time.’

‘So why didn’t
you go?’ she asked.

‘Because,’ I
said, ‘I was running away, and although it gave me some peace to be
there. It gave me some faith… even though it’s been a very rocky
start, I knew that it was better to try and find an answer
elsewhere.’

‘The
expedition.’

‘Yes.’

‘But you ended
up in it even though you had the accident and were…’

‘Even though I
was dying in hospital.’ I finished for her, ‘yes, it’s true.’

‘So you really
were going to come on the expedition?’ asked Davey.

‘Yes… and No.
it was undecided. I had a meeting with the man from the order. He
happened to be in London on a conference, and he said he would meet
me and talk. And later the same day… I was to have… I mean I did
have the interview for the Sandglass experiment.’

‘Do you
remember it now?’ Davey asked.

‘You mean the
interview for Sandglass… yes. But it’s just like the déjà vu we all
got on the expedition. I remember it… but only by going back from
the moment I’m in tracing it back.’

‘Do did you
meet you man, you were supposed to meet?’ Asked Marcia.

‘I…. err…’ I
found I wasn’t sure. And her question was odd, since it presupposed
that in that version I had been on my way to meet him just before
the crash. It was early the next day. That’s why Janey and I were
going to travel down during the night. He could meet me…. When? I
cast my mind back. Davey seemed animated by something.

‘Did you meet
anyone on the way?’ he asked me.

‘No. why?’

‘Just a
thought.’ He looked puzzled then.

‘I don’t know
what happened,’ I said, ‘but like you, I do suspect foul play.
Sandglass was not the place for people like me, according to the
board.’

‘But you were
on the board.’ said Davey, ‘they made you resign.’

‘I was on the
board in another version of reality.’ I said, ‘And that way they
had a reason for me not to be in a certain place at a certain time.
That way I was no trouble; and no influence. It all hinges on that
day; late on that day. The board was the next day. I was to go. It
was later on the Second of August. I would have had… I mean; I did
have, three appointments that day. The man from the order; the
Sandglass interview; and then the board meeting as a new member. I
had been seconded from the graduate set that Hanson’s mob
controlled. It was someone else who put me forward for it. I was
informed by phone that I was on, as I had already consented to
stand if they voted for me.’

‘So you really
did have a say in the matter?’ Marcia stood to go in the kitchen
again. I heard her putting the kettle on. I was thinking more
slowly now. Not in such a panic, not racing thoughts like I
normally had. I head the buzzer go. Davey got up to let Janey
in.

She was dancing
in the door, upbeat and chatty. She threw herself at Davey.

‘Oh Darling!
You look so much better. How is my errant brother? Not giving you
too much trouble I hope.’

‘I don’t know
what to tell you,’ said Davey cheerfully, ‘he’s about the same as
usual. Totally unpredictable…. but there is something; but then how
about you? What did our respective Mothers have to say for
themselves?’

‘Oh! That is a
bit of a mystery. Jules is still there. He and Peter took some of
our more… experimental instruments. We found a residue trace as if
something has recently been there but had disappeared. It was
really odd…. Anyway, George has got the details. Let’s not be
boring, he can fill us all in tomorrow.’

‘Tomorrow?’ I
said as I leaned against the door jamb that led from the sitting
room to my hall way, ‘is it that soon?’

Janey and Davey
both turned to me then.

‘Oh Jared!
You’re here!’

‘Of course I’m
here. It is my flat.’ I laughed then.

‘What is it?’
she said, and put her bag and coat on the chair nearby, ‘you seem
so…. Different.’

‘Yes,’ said
Davey looking at me, ‘You are different…’ his eyes were speaking to
me saying what do we do now?

‘Why don’t you
see what Marcia is doing.’ I said to him, and turned back into the
now dimly lit room. I switched a nearby lamp on, and took out
another cigarette. Janey followed me in. she seemed puzzled by me.
I wasn’t sure what to say. We hadn’t talked about these things for
so long. I sat back on the settee and lit the black slim cigar,
with the small red lighter. I pocketed it then and inhaled deeply.
There was that hint of dark earth and a soft hum of the drug. I
wanted to replace that thing with something else more suitable.
Better for one’s health. We all have our weaknesses. Smoking and
drinking were too of mine. The others were cars and women. I blew a
stream of smoke into the air. For once Janey didn’t complain.

She came round
and sat by me as I put my feet up on the coffee table.

‘You have
something to tell me Jared.’ She pushed herself under my free arm.
She did this… being feminine and persuasive. She could work a
similar charm with our father… but only the times when he was
feeling susceptible to her rather sweet guile.

I looked
sideways at her through my lashes, ‘What is it Angel?’

‘You’ve done
something… recently. I can sense it.’ She said.

‘Yes.’

‘What happened
to you tonight Jared? Did you miss me,’ her tone was petulant and
girly.

‘Yes.’

‘How much?’

‘This much,’ I
pulled her closer, and rubbed noses with her, ‘dear little Angel.
Don’t worry. Everything is going to be alright.’

‘I have only
three now.’ She said quietly, ‘I tried for a long time. But I still
need some protection.’

‘From what?’ I
said and watched the stream of smoke curl into the dimness of the
ceiling.

‘From you
Jared…. I know you don’t think so.’ She stared at me eyes luminous
in the dim light.

‘What is the
problem?’ I said tipping my head back to see the curling stream
going into the air above me.

Janey half
stood up and leaned her weight on me; her hands pinning my
shoulders down, ‘the time back there. Remember. We were in harmony…
finding peace. When Davey was still weak, remember.’

‘Yes. I
remember.’ I said softly.

‘I Love him.’
She said simply.

‘Then perhaps
you better let go of me and go and tell him that.’ I said. I knew
what I said was curiously ambivalent. Janey and Me; well it had
always been complicated. We were in love with each other in a way
neither would admit. She was wonderful, inspiring, intelligent,
could dance when the social occasion called for it. She was also
like rage and fire, and completely out of control and
unpredictable. She was peaceful, or raging and angry; logical and
focused… or chaotic and emotional. And I could never find out which
beforehand. I wasn’t sure now. I supposed that it was her way of
expressing the inner argument. I turned inwards; hers blasted
outwards. The only other person who really understood was our other
sister Karis. Karis knew this peculiar thing from an angle that
even our parents could not see.

Janey didn’t
seem inclined to stop leaning on me.

‘I’ll throw you
off missy!’ I said trying to budge sideways out of her grip.

‘I don’t think
so.’ She whispered in my ear.

I blew a stream
of smoke in her face. But she just took it out of my hands and
stubbed it out.

‘Don’t be
mean.’ She said.

‘Janey please
get off, you’re hurting me.’

‘You’ve been
outside of the hedge haven’t you?’ (This was a way of describing
the removal of the locks and keys I described earlier).

‘Yes.’ I put my
free hand over her mouth, ‘Stop now Janey. Stop playing with
me.’

Her face
changed; ‘I’m not playing.’ she said irritably, curling her fingers
round mine and pushing my hand to one side.

‘What do you
want Janey? Really? I can’t take any more of this confusion.’

‘You don’t want
me here?’ she pulled back a little and looked as if she might cry,
‘I haven’t got anyone else who really cares.’

‘What about
Davey?’ I said quietly.

‘You never said
what happened tonight.’ She put her head on one side.

‘Don’t refuse
to answer my question.’ I said firmly.

‘I’m not. I
just don’t know…. I really don’t know. What should I do Jared? Tell
me what to do….’ She finally slipped sideways and curled herself
under my left arm, like a pet cat.

‘I’m tired.’
She said, ‘I want to be free. You understand that…. I was always
following in your wake Jared. You were always the golden boy…
always the favourite.’

I wasn’t sure
how to respond. I didn’t feel she was being fair. But the essential
truth of what she was saying was undeniable. It was Mother who was
there the most and Janey maybe felt left out. I think that she
wouldn’t let our mother love her. She didn’t want to be combed and
dressed up like the pretty doll she was. She quite rightly wanted
to have interesting conversations about physics and particles and
quantum theory. I was the soft compliant one to my Mother. The one
who accepted the aesthetic pleasures of being dragged round ancient
castles and gardens as a positive experience. Janey was the one who
wanted to fiddle with the machinery and see how it all worked. I
just watched and looked… Janey wanted to be like me, and I more
like her. She wanted to suck some life from me in a way I did not
want to do to her. Those elemental forces that were at work inside
her made her dangerous. The only person who seemed able to calm
this vexed woman was Davey. And it was for reasons that I had no
notion of. I hoped that she would just calm down so we could all
have some supper, and I hoped some more cups of tea. I was really
gagging for a cuppa now.

‘I’m sorry.’
She said, all contrite and reasonable again.

I leaned over
and picked up the half smoked end, and then relit it. Janey stayed
curled under my arm. She seemed to be falling asleep as Marcia and
Davey came back in.

‘Thank you for
well stocked cupboards!’ Davey grinned, ‘we’ve been having fun
raiding them! I hope you don’t mind.’

‘No… err would
you.’ I indicated the vacant seat next to Janey.

Davey sat down
there, as Marcia stirred my tea pot sending wreathes of stream into
the hazy air; we gently tipped the dozing Janey from me to Davey. I
picked up a plate.

‘Are you ready
for this?’ said Marcia.

‘Looks great.’
I said, ‘are these fresh baked?’

‘That what I
was doing earlier, when Violette was still here. We were making
samosas. Davey’s were a bit wonky though!’

‘Don’t worry,’
he said, ‘we ate the evidence. You get the best ones that Marcia
did for you.’

‘Thanks.’ I
looked up at her. She was happy and animated. I knew she knew all
about Me, Janey, and everything else. Yet somehow, it didn’t
matter. Of if it did, whatever weirdness there was, she had the
capacity to overcome it all with her acceptance. That strange
thing, an inclination not to judge all those weaknesses in others,
was one of the many things that made me love her so deeply. Marcia
didn’t make me feel anguished or pained. If it was intense, it had
only been my own fear of being found out that stopped us from being
closer all that time ago. I was told squarely by Davey, Violette;
and even Janey to stop keeping Marcia at arm’s length.

I took one of
her wonderful Samosas and was thankful for someone who wasn’t
afraid of the truth about all things. She was wonderful and simply
lovely. And she accepted Janey’s crazy and erratic behaviour with
an equanimity that I was quite in admiration of. I thought then
that Marcia and Davey had come into both our lives at the right
time. We were both in need of something that had to be found
outside of ourselves. Davey was smiling at me. ‘You have the magic
touch,’ he said, ‘she’s not normally this relaxed. Too much going
on.’

‘The anomaly
thingy?’ I asked.

‘Yeah… she said
it was quite small but measurable. But it might be nothing that we
can get anything from for the group.

‘What are we
looking for exactly?’

‘Indicators of
other activity by Project Bank.’ said Marcia with a radish between
her teeth.

‘Do you think
it is?’ I asked him.

‘Uh huh?’ he
shrugged. ‘The person to get a clear picture of it is our dear
Jules.’

‘Is he better
now?’ I had an image or him from George’s house going absolutely
giddy after the debrief, because he was just so over-whelmed to see
us both.

‘Talking in
geek speak again.’ said Davey, ‘He’s back on form. But goes really
quiet if anyone mentions the expedition now.’