The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution: Gentle Ways to Make Good-bye Easy from Six Months to Six Years (15 page)

room just to take a shower. However, if you get angry or punish or

tease your child, you will likely prolong the anxiety.

When your child is crumbling in tears, it is possible that you are

crumbling inside too. You may have concerns about the situation,

but it’s important that you keep your doubts hidden from your child.

Even the youngest child can fi gure out that you are worried and will

assume the situation is bad, dangerous, or just plain wrong.

Be careful about talking about your concerns when your child is

within earshot, since you never know what she’ll hear. Discussions

with your friends, spouse or partner, daycare providers, or teachers

should be private.

Preintroduce Your Child to New People

Relatives and friends whom you know but your child doesn’t (even

grandparents who are seen infrequently) are classifi ed as “strangers”

in her book. To prepare your child for times with these people, show

her home movies and photos the week before the visit and talk about

these lovely people. When they arrive in person,
you
hug and greet

them fi rst, so your child sees that you accept and love them.

72 The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution

Mother-Speak

“I put up photographs of our family on my son’s bedroom

wall. Initially I was trying to reinforce his attachment to his

grandparents, who live far away, but I see it also helps him

when he is missing his daddy during the day while he’s at

work. It changes his mood to see happy, smiling faces and

starts a discussion about the other photos as well. It is a great

distraction that works every time.”

—Amanda, mother of two-year-old Finley

Refl ect Back to Previous Successful Separations

If your child has done well in the past (even after a rocky start), call

this to mind: “Remember last time you went to Bible school? You

were worried at fi rst, but then you had fun and made new friends.

Remember Becky and Kai? I wonder if they will be there today.” By

reminding your child of situations when she was fi rst worried but

ended up feeling good about the situation, you help her call on those

memories for a boost of confi dence for the current event. Over time

her successes in different situations will help her handle new things

that come her way.

Let Your Child Take Baby Steps Toward

Full Separation

When possible, break down a separation into small, manageable

steps. Once your child masters one step, he can move on to the next.

As an example, if he becomes panicky when you leave him with a

babysitter, start by having the sitter watch your child for an hour

while you are home in the same room but busy with another task.

Next, have the sitter keep your child occupied while you go off to

another room in the house. Progress to a very short stint—perhaps

fi fteen minutes—away from the house. Advance to slightly longer

sessions until you achieve your goal of time away, leaving your child

for a full session in the sitter’s capable hands.

No-Cry Solutions for Preschool and School-Age Children
73

Relaxation and Coping Techniques:

Child-Friendly Ideas

When a child gets anxious or worried, he experiences physical sen-

sations that make him even more uncomfortable. His breathing

becomes rapid and shallow, his stomach clenches, his throat tightens,

and his body becomes rigid. These physiological symptoms can keep

him in an agitated state. You can teach your child ways to relax his

body and then to use this approach when he begins to feel stressed.

Several different techniques can be used, depending on your child’s

age and personality.

Progressive Relaxation with the Quiet Bunny

This technique is helpful for young children who have good imagina-

tions. If your child fi rst practices it in a relaxed environment at home,

he can then call upon it in times of stress. You may want to start each

morning with a brief session that you do together or use it as part

of your bedtime routine. Begin by coaching your child through the

exercise that I call the Quiet Bunny—here’s a sample script:

Let’s be quiet bunnies.

Close your eyes and relax.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

It’s time for the bunny to settle down and relax.

Wiggle your bunny nose. Now make your bunny face be still and

quiet.

Wiggle your toes. Now make your toes relax.

Wiggle your fi ngers. Now make your fi ngers relax.

(You can add more body parts, such as arms, shoulders, and legs, as

needed.)

Breathe in. Breathe out.

Relax.

Now you are a happy, relaxed, quiet bunny.

This can be a helpful technique with children since they can be

susceptible to your gentle suggestions to relax. Once your child is

familiar with this process, he can repeat it at times when he is feeling

anxious.

74 The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution

Professional-Speak

“You cannot be tense and relaxed at the same time. Progres-

sive relaxation helps to restore personal control and a general

feeling of calmness in separation-anxiety-related scenarios.”

—Andrew R. Eisen, Ph.D., and Charles E. Schaefer, Ph.D.,

authors of Separation Anxiety in Children and Adolescents:

An Individualized Approach to Assessment and Treatment

When separation anxiety hits, crouch down to your child’s level,

put your hands on his shoulders, look him in the eye, and say, “Let’s

do our Quiet Bunny.” Then talk him through the process. Over time,

you won’t have to lead him, just mentioning it and asking him to

close his eyes will bring about the relaxation.

You can also purchase a tiny toy bunny and allow your child to

keep it with him when he is away from you. A key-chain bunny,

a bunny bracelet, or a small stuffed rabbit can be used as a visible

reminder to rely on the Quiet Bunny method when he feels worried.

Teach Relaxed Breathing with the Bubble Maker

In times of nervousness it is common for a child’s breathing to

become shallow and irregular; she often breathes through her mouth

instead of her nose. This then intensifi es the feeling of being out

of control and increases anxiety. (Think about that shallow, quick

mouth breathing that children often do right before crying.) Teach-

ing your child to recognize this sign and coaching her on a way to

regulate her breathing can help her gain control in a situation that is

making her nervous.

First, explain to your child that this rapid, shallow breathing is a

sign of feeling worried or scared. Tell her that it is something she can

learn to control. Demonstrate how this kind of breathing looks, and

let her try it so she knows how it feels. Then explain that she can

make her breathing slower and more relaxed, and this will help her feel

better.

No-Cry Solutions for Preschool and School-Age Children
75

A good way to teach relaxed breathing is to tell her to pretend she

is blowing bubbles through a bubble wand—you can even use a real

bubble wand to teach her the skills. Your explanation might sound

something like this:

“ When you get scared or worried, your breathing might get funny—

like you’ve been running [demonstrate breathing in and out rapidly

though your mouth]. This kind of breathing can make you more

scared. When you notice that you are breathing like that, you can

change it. You can pretend you have a bubble wand, and you are

going to blow colorful bubbles. You take a breath in through your

nose and gently blow the air out through your mouth to make bub-

bles fl oat in the air. These bubbles are like magic because they can

help you feel more relaxed.”

Encourage Independent Play

If your child is happily playing alone, don’t feel that you must get

involved. It’s a good thing for your little one to have some play-alone

time. This gives her confi dence and demonstrates that she is able to

be her own good company. You are not being neglectful if you leave

your child to her own devices at times—you are being smart and

thoughtful when you allow her some of this independence-building,

solo playtime.

Mother-Speak

“Once I started paying attention, I was surprised at how often I

imposed myself into Brandy’s playtime. I meant well. I wanted

to show her I was proud of her for playing on her own but

realized that my peeking into her room and complimenting

her on her independence were actually reinforcing her need

for my presence, just in a different way. Now when I hear her

playing alone, I leave her to enjoy the time.”

—Barb, mother of fi ve-year-old Brandy

76 The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution

Be Aware of Things That Infl uence Anxiety

If your child has new stressors to deal with, you may see an increase

in separation anxiety, even if it doesn’t seem related. Here are some

of the things that may cause an increase in overall anxiety:

• Moving or home remodeling

• A sibling starting school

• A new baby in the family

• Parents’ divorce or remarriage

• A parent leaving a job or starting a new job

• A friend moving away

• A change of teacher or daycare provider

• Major changes in the daily schedule

• A vacation or houseguests

• An illness, be it the child’s, a parent’s, or that of a close family

member or friend

When children are faced with life changes, they naturally gravi-

tate toward their foundation of safety—you. Since other things may

be confusing or different right now, your child may fi nd it reassuring

to be at your side. Be patient and a little more responsive to his emo-

tional needs during these times, and he should quickly adjust to his

new “normal.”

Prepare the House for a Babysitter

If your child will be spending time with a sitter, provide the care-

giver with a detailed list of your child’s routine, favorite foods, and

favorite games. Post a bedtime or naptime routine chart, if either of

these will be involved in their time together. The more your sitter

knows, the more likely the separation will be relaxed and successful

for everyone.

Allow the babysitter to bend some of your regular rules. Having

someone new who provides potato chips, candy, or loud dance music,

or lets her sleep in a sleeping bag on the fl oor can give your child

incentive to look forward to a repeat visit. The fun of bending the

rules can override separation anxiety any day!

No-Cry Solutions for Preschool and School-Age Children
77

Downplay Your Return

If your child struggled while you were away and you return to cover

his head with kisses, squeeze him with hugs, and tell him how much

you missed him, then he’ll get the message that separation is a very

big deal. Instead, hold back on the exuberant reunion and stick with

a friendly greeting, such as, “Hi, sweetie. Did you have fun while I

was gone?” This conveys that separation is a normal situation and

nothing to worry about.

If your child wants to tell you about how diffi cult it was, allow him

a brief moment to voice his concerns, but then direct him toward

telling you what went
right
instead of rehashing what went wrong.

With some helpful questions, you should be able to fi nd out a good

thing or two and then focus on those things.

Professional-Speak

“Be open to hearing about how your child feels. However,

lengthy discussions about the child’s problems are not always

helpful and can be experienced as a burden by the child. The

focus must be to help your child to be free of worries and

fears.”

—Leslie E. Packer, Ph.D., child psychologist and author of

Find a Way or Make a Way

Put Gentle, Sensitive Limits on Clinging

There are times when you know your child is capable of being a bit

more independent, but habit has him clinging to you far beyond

what he really needs. For example, if he continues to follow you into

the bathroom long past the time you think it’s appropriate, put a

gentle limit on what’s acceptable. Avoid using negative words like

no
or
don’t
, which can just cause him to cling tighter. Instead, use a positive approach to setting limits. For example, you might offer him

a choice: “While I’m in the bathroom, you can sit outside the door

and do your puzzle, or you can play with your cars in your bedroom.

Which would you like to do?”