The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution: Gentle Ways to Make Good-bye Easy from Six Months to Six Years (24 page)

your daily reading time. You can even alternate reading a page each,

parent and children, so that as a bonus, when they hear their own

voices on the tape and the laughter or comments between them, it

will conjure up memories of when they made the recording together.

•
Let other caregivers know the news.
It’s important that day-

care providers, teachers, and close friends all know what’s up so they

can be on the lookout for behavioral changes and provide emotional

support to your children.

The following ideas can be helpful in dealing with separation

anxiety while a parent is away.

•
Expect more clinginess or neediness.
Children missing one

parent may expect more emotional support from the parent still at

home. Try to be patient when your children need a double dose of

your time and attention. Over time, your daily routines will enable

your children to adjust, and the clinginess should dissipate.

•
Create a tangible representation of connection.
Since parent

and children won’t be together physically, you can create something

Solving Specifi c Separation Situations
123

that represents a connection between them. Stephanie Skolomoski, in

her children’s book
A Paper Hug
, suggests tracing a child’s handprints,

cutting them out, and connecting them with a string so that the miss-

ing parent can have a hug from the child anytime he wants one. I’d

suggest that the parent who is leaving do the same thing—create a

hug to leave with your children. If you’re crafty, you might even choose

to make the hug more nurturing by making the hands out of fabric or

crocheting two hand-sized pads with a chain between. If you keep the

chain extremely short, this can even be used as a bedtime buddy.

•
Help your children keep a diary.
A “diary” can be as simple as

a shoebox fi lled with drawings and mementos of things they are doing

while their parent is away. This allows them to look forward to the

parent’s return so they can share all the tidbits that have been col-

lected. Upon his return, this will provide them with a tangible way to

reconnect as the children explain all of the things inside the box.

•
Convey feelings of confi dence and peace.
Even the youngest

baby can pick up on a parent’s emotions. Try to keep your own feel-

ings in check around your little ones so they don’t become worried.

Take care of yourself and fi nd time to spend with family and friends

so that you can be wholly present for your children.

Family Changes: When Parents Separate,

Divorce, or Remarry

Our divorce is bringing up many problems for our children.

They are very close to both of us. The move between two

separate homes is bringing out separation anxiety no matter

which home the kids are at. How can we make this easier on

them?

Everyone knows that marriage issues affect children, and many

things must be ironed out before the new family arrangement falls

into place. It can take a long time for your children to get used to

things, like going back and forth between homes and parents, and it

takes time for you to settle into the new routines yourself. The fol-

124 The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution

lowing tips can help you as you assist your children in dealing with

their separation anxiety throughout this adjustment period.

•
Acknowledge your children’s feelings.
Most likely, your chil-

dren miss the absent parent and are confused about the new state of

the family. Your understanding of their pain can help them make a

more complete adjustment. If possible, fi nd a support group of chil-

dren of similar families so they can share experiences. Children won’t

always talk specifi cally about their situations, but their similar life-

styles will create a feeling of normalcy for them.

•
Have two Magic Bracelets.
The Magic Bracelet idea outlined

in Chapter 3 can be a signifi cant idea for helping your children con-

nect with their absent parent. This can reassure your children that

both parents love them, no matter where they are. I suggest two com-

pletely different bracelets—one representing each parent. It will be

important to have a backup duplicate for each bracelet at each home,

since your children could fi nd this to be a key to their peace and

an important way for them to feel both parents’ presence no matter

where they are. You might even fi nd it helpful to have your children

wear both bracelets at all times to give them a feeling of unity with

both parents.

•
Create doubles.
The more you are able to duplicate your chil-

dren’s important things, the easier it will be for them to adjust, since

they won’t forever be missing something that’s at the other home.

Even if you plan to carry things back and forth, your schedule may

not always permit retrieving them, and of course, items will be for-

Professional-Speak

“Divorce is not a single event, but rather a process that unfolds

over months, years, or even decades. This unfolding process

will be like a journey along a trail with many unexpected

bends and forks. Many people inaccurately estimate how eas-

ily and quickly they will adjust to their divorce.”

—Nicholas Long, Ph.D., and Rex Forehand, Ph.D.,

authors of Making Divorce Easier on Your Child:

50 Effective Ways to Help Children Adjust

Solving Specifi c Separation Situations
125

gotten and misplaced when shifting between homes. Here are some

examples of key items that are worth duplicating:

— Lovies or favorite stuffed animals, toys, or dolls

— Pillows, blankets, or bedding

— Potty chairs, high chairs, and swings

— Favorite baby bottles or pacifi ers

•
Have similar pets at both homes.
It can be reassuring for your

children to have the same type of pet at both homes. Having a live

pet—like a cat, fi sh, hamsters, or turtles—in both bedrooms can tie

the places together and be a familiar component in building a dupli-

cate daily routine in both places.

•
Set up a plan for cross-communication.
It is helpful to have

specifi c ways for your children to reach the other parent to talk when

needed. Teaching them how to make their own phone calls and send

text messages and e-mails, as well as giving them access to methods

to reach their other parent can give them the security to know they

can contact either of you whenever they like. If the other parent lives

in a different state or country, also provide your children with writing

paper, prestamped envelopes, and small boxes for mailing mementos

or surprises.

•
Create a specifi c daily routine.
Children function best when

their days are predictable and consistent. Your little ones will feel less

anxiety if their daily routine is the same no matter which home they

are in. That means having a consistent time for waking up, meals,

playtime, and sleep. It also means following the same bedtime and

mealtime routines and having similar expectations for behavior in

both places. The more you can write down about these routines and

post them in both homes, the easier it will be to stay consistent.

•
Deal with your own separation anxiety.
You will be missing

your children when you are apart. It can help to keep an open dia-

logue with a trusted friend, family member, or a counselor so that

you can sort through your feelings and fi nd the best way to deal with

them. This won’t be a one-day conversation; it will be an ongoing

process over a period of many months.

•
Keep your children out of the middle.
It can be especially

diffi cult for children to hear negative things being said about a par-

ent they desperately miss. Not only can this cause an increase in

separation anxiety, it adds a layer of guilt for them, making them feel

126 The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution

disloyal for loving and missing that parent. Do your best to keep your

negative comments away from your children.

•
Search out the support you need.
This book can only touch

on this signifi cant topic; you’ll need more than a few pages of ideas to

help you and your children adjust and settle into a new “normal.” It

can be very benefi cial to connect with other parents whose children

are in a similar position. Online and in-person support groups can be

extremely helpful as you navigate your way through this new chapter

in your lives.

Gone Again: When a Parent Travels

for Business

My husband just accepted a promotion that means he’ll be

traveling regularly for work. How can we help our children

deal with this change in our lifestyle?

When a parent travels frequently, children can easily adapt and

accept this as the “normal” way that your family works. The key to

making this work is to plan how you’ll be handling the separations

and then stay consistent with the ways you keep your children and

the absent parent close in heart when they are apart in person.

•
Construct travel-time rituals.
To make travel time a routine

part of life, try to develop rituals surrounding the leaving, the time

away, and the return. Create an age-appropriate way for your chil-

dren to monitor the number of days the traveling parent will be gone

by using a sticker chart, a paper chain, or a calendar. Once they are

accustomed to this method of tracking days, it will be a helpful visual

to gauge comings and goings.

•
Have a regular communication plan.
Develop ways to keep

parent and children connected over distance using text messages,

phone calls, or e-mails. To make phone calls more productive with

young children (who often fi nd them awkward), use a speakerphone

Solving Specifi c Separation Situations
127

so that both parents can be involved in keeping the conversation

going. This is also helpful if a little one loses interest or wanders off

because he can hear both parents conversing and just fi nds comfort

in the sound of the traveling parent’s voice.

•
Be positive, not apologetic.
All parents have different work

schedules, and children adapt to the differences. Work travel should

be presented as a normal, interesting part of your job. Don’t dwell

on the aspect of separation or leaving. Tell interesting stories about

where you’ve been and what you’ve done.

•
Let your child pack a toy in your suitcase.
As part of your

packing ritual, let your children choose a small toy to send along in

your suitcase. Knowing that a small piece of them is traveling with

you can be fun and bring them a sense of connection with you.

•
Begin a collection.
Bring home small tokens from wherever

you’ve been. These shouldn’t be elaborate gifts, just small mementoes

of some sort, such as a magnet, keychain, or postcard. This gives your

children something special to look forward to whenever you return

home.

•
Make playtime a priority when you are home.
Your children

don’t need you to be a constant companion when you are home, but