The No Cry Discipline Solution (5 page)

10

The Foundation for No-Cry Discipline

Myth: If you love your child and if your intentions are good, par-

enting will come naturally to you.

Truth: Loving your child is easy. Raising your child is hard. Effec-

tive parenting skills are
learned
. Raising children is complicated, intense, and ever changing. In order to be a calm, effective parent you need knowledge and skills, and it’s a very rare person who

innately possesses these skills.

This concept is made even more complicated because there

are no distinct black-and-white answers when it comes to raising

children, and contradictory advice abounds. So parents must sort

through everything they know, everything they hear, and every-

thing they learn to come up with the right parenting approach for

each of their children.

Mother-Speak

“ This is one of those myths that I believed totally, so I lost

complete faith in myself when faced with my fi rst son’s mis-

behavior. I looked for answers from everyone and anyone,

and then I was left confused when I obtained totally confl ict-

ing advice. It has taken me two more children to fi nally fi gure

out that all children have their unpleasant moments. Now, I

believe in myself, read about things I have doubts on, and

follow only the advice that makes sense to me.”

—Janie, mother to Grayson, age 4; Emerson, age 3;

and Anna, age 2

Myth: Good parents don’t lose their patience and shout at their

children.

Truth: Even the most peaceful, easygoing parent loses patience and

yells from time to time—we are all human. No matter how much

Banish the Myths

11

we love our children, they will try our patience, they will make

mistakes, and they will bring us to anger.

All children have their “naughty” moments. And, guess what?

When children are “naughty,” parents lose their patience and—

gasp!—they YELL.

I am an experienced mom of four. I make my living writing

books and giving lectures about how to raise children. I love my

children with my whole heart and soul, and I try my best to be a

good mother. Yet . . . my children misbehave. My six-year-old son

misbehaves, and my three teenagers
still
misbehave. And, more

often than I’d like, when my children misbehave . . . I lose my

patience and I yell. Just like you. Just like every single parent in

the entire world.

So what do you say we kill this oppressive myth? We should

stand up and shout, “Human beings make mistakes! Parents and

children are human beings! Kids sometimes misbehave! Parents

sometimes yell! That is NORMAL!”

Myth: If parents are a perfectly matched couple and have a strong

relationship, they will agree about how to raise their children.

Truth: It’s very common for two parents, even those who are per-

fectly matched and in a happy relationship, to disagree about

child-rearing approaches. Some may disagree about baby care

issues, yet others will be perfectly in sync during the baby years

and then fi nd they are at odds when their child becomes old

enough for school or enters the teen years.

The way that we approach child-rearing is infl uenced by our

past experiences—both the things we choose to do and the things

we try to avoid. It is nearly impossible for two people to be in per-

fect agreement on every parenting decision. But, good communi-

cation and ongoing discussion can help any couple fi nd agreement

on important issues as they raise their children.

12

The Foundation for No-Cry Discipline

Mother-Speak

“ I have noticed many times that when my husband starts to

discipline our son, I jump in and try to make what he has

done seem not as bad. For some reason I get this maternal

urge to save him. Save him from what? I think about it later

and realize that he was misbehaving and his daddy was cor-

recting him, so no saving was necessary! Even though we

are using the same technique, we use different verbal and

nonverbal approaches. That maternal instinct is always right

there, but I have to continue to make an effort to let it go

because my way is not the only way. I can see that Garrett

is responding very well to the consistency of both of us in

our separate ways.”

—Brandy, mother to Garrett, age 2

Even when we agree on basic fundamental parenting theory,

we might slightly disagree on approach. And, even if we agree

on approach, our differing personalities guarantee that we won’t

always handle things in exactly the same way.

Myth: Parents are totally responsible for their child’s behavior and

actions. Outstanding parenting means that children will turn out

well.

Truth: Just as adults’ personalities are different, so are children’s.

Even when two children are raised in exactly the same way, in the