The No Cry Discipline Solution (4 page)

Discipline: A Complex Job Made Easier with the Right Outlook

5

Derryn, age 2, and Wade, age 4

to another in his life. Just like any other undertaking, the more

knowledge you have at each step of the way, the more confi dent

you will feel, the easier your job will be, and the better your life-

long relationship will be with your child.

There are many things you can do to enhance your enjoyment

of being a parent. There are many things you can do to avoid

the blockades of anger and tears, things that allow discipline to

unfold in its most effective way. Practiced skills and set guidelines

can help you move from milestone to milestone with relative ease.

These ideas can help you raise your child to be open to learn-

ing and to become a wonderful human being. You can discover

these parenting skills on your own; they can be learned on the job

through trial and error. However, the “error” part can be prolonged

and painful. Or, you can learn effective skills by analyzing and

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The Foundation for No-Cry Discipline

studying the successes (and failures) of the masses of other parents

who have gone before you.

It can help to begin your journey by examining your own feel-

ings about discipline and your feelings about what it means to be

a parent. You can set off on the right road when you expel the

negative beliefs that dampen your spirits and then fi ll that space

with positive, effective parenting skills.

Banish the Myths

As if it isn’t challenging enough to raise children, most parents

believe myths that complicate the process by making them

feel confused, frustrated, and inadequate. These horrible myths

become dark, nearly suffocating clouds that hover over them,

spoiling the joy of the child-rearing experience.

There is an oft-repeated quote by John Wilmot, Earl of Roches-

ter, who said, “Before I got married, I had six theories about bring-

ing up children. Now I have six children and no theories.” All of

us have theories, ideals, and expectations about parenting before

we raise our own children. But once we become parents, we learn

through experience that many of these turn out to be completely

wrong. Sometimes these beliefs are naïve or misguided; sometimes

they’re total fabrications.

Here is a quiz to help you determine which common and dis-

tressing myths you believe. You may have never realized how

intensely these beliefs affect you, but they do. After you identify

the myths that color your daily life, I’ll share the truth about each

one. By acknowledging that these myths exist in your life, you take

the fi rst step toward eliminating them. Learning the truth will

erase your doubts and leave you open to learning effective new

ways of raising your children.

Indicate with an honest Yes or No if you believe (or have ever

believed) the following statements:

YES NO Parenting

Belief

____ ____

If a parent is truly attached, committed, and

connected to a child, then that child will naturally

behave properly; discipline won’t be necessary.

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8

The Foundation for No-Cry Discipline

____ ____

If you love your child and if your intentions are

good, parenting will come naturally to you.

____ ____

Good parents don’t lose their patience and shout at

their children.

____ ____

If parents are a perfectly matched couple and have

a strong relationship, they will agree about how to

raise their children.

____ ____

Parents are totally responsible for their child’s

behavior and actions. Outstanding parenting means

that children will turn out well.

____ ____

If you read parenting books, take classes, and

learn effective skills and tools, you will always be

in control. Once you learn all the correct parenting

approaches, your life as a parent will be trouble-

free.

Now that you’ve taken a minute to assess your parenting

beliefs, let’s take the time to dispel those myths so that you can

reduce any anxiety and guilt you may be having over imaginary

problems. In addition, you may be able to prevent future problems

when you sift through the falsehoods and truths of parenthood.

According to Candace B. Pert, Ph.D., in her book
Everything You

Need to Know to Feel Go(o)d
(Hay House, 2006), “We all use imag-

ery every day when we engage in the two most common forms of

worry: either regretting the past or fearing the future . . . [but] we

can use that same ability in a more positive way.” She goes on to

say, “The more you bring your attention, or conscious awareness,

to something you intend to manifest, the more likely that inten-

tion will become real in the world.” So, let’s now look at each

myth and the genuine truth and move forward to more unclut-

tered, positive parenting.

Myth: If a parent is truly attached, committed, and connected to

a child, then that child will naturally behave properly; discipline

won’t be necessary.

Banish the Myths

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Father-Speak

“ We always thought that good parenting would mean that

our child would not fuss and have tantrums. Boy, were we

wrong. It was almost harder to deal with the fact that despite

our devoted parenting style our child was having tantrums

than it was to deal with the actual tantrums.”

—Adam, father to Zahava, age 4

Truth: You could be totally committed to your child from the

moment of birth. You could read all the best parenting books. You

could take parenting classes. You could do absolutely
everything

right. In fact, you could be a truly magnifi cent, spectacular, utterly

faultless saint, and your child would
still
misbehave. The truth is
all
children misbehave.
All
children make mistakes.
All
children will whine, fuss, and have temper tantrums. This is true because

all children are human beings—
young, inexperienced, naïve human

beings
. And to be human is to be fallible—to make mistakes, to

make poor decisions, and, hopefully, to learn from these.

When a child fails to behave, it is not a refl ection of a parent’s

lack of commitment or skill. It is not an indication that the child

is lacking in any way. It is simply a facet of our humanness.

It is our duty and privilege to love our children and to guide

and direct them, to be committed to them, and to be devoted

to parenting them in the best way we can. And it is our duty to

understand that our children
are
perfect—a realistic, human per-

fection that allows for mistakes and misbehavior along the way to

growth and development. These mistakes are necessary to ensure

that learning and growth take place, and that is the beauty of

parenting. Our children do not have to be fl awless to receive our

unconditional love and support.