Read The New Naked: The Ultimate Sex Education for Grown-Ups Online
Authors: Harry Fisch,Karen Moline
Tags: #Self-Help, #Sexual Instruction, #Health & Fitness, #Sexuality
For much more information about erection meds, turn to
page 109
in
Lesson 3
.
Dear Dr. Fisch: As Soon as I Lost My Job, I Lost My Erection
Dear Dr. Fisch,
I lost my job a couple of months ago, and I’ve lost my mojo. My wife works long hours to keep us afloat. I
can stay hard when I’m masturbating, but not when I’m having sex with my wife. How can I feel confident again?
Signed, Lost My Mojo
Dear Lost My Mojo,
I’m sure you’re going through a very stressful period in your life, especially when your wife has become the primary breadwinner in your household. This can be a blow to a man’s ego. Having performance anxiety is a very common problem for men, especially when they are going through rough times.
You may be masturbating, in part, as a release or escape from the stresses and feelings surrounding your job loss and subsequent role-reversal. That’s fairly normal—and a whole lot better than using drugs or alcohol to blunt the worries—but you’re not dealing with these issues directly. While selfstimulation releases endorphins that temporarily ease pain and elevate mood, it can also act as a drug of sorts, distracting you from focusing on what you need to be doing right now to improve your situation. So I’m advising you to stop masturbating because I know you’d rather have a relationship with your wife than with your hand!
While you’re working on getting another job, focus on the woman who loves you. All these issues should be discussed openly so that you two can share the worries honestly. That alone may reduce your anxiety so your sexual performance with your wife improves.
If that doesn’t help, you might want to consider short-term use of a medication to treat erectile dysfunction while you’re living with so much stress. For most of my patients, when the anxiety and stressful situations leading to performance anxiety are lessened or gone, sexual problems also decrease or disappear.
Being able to quickly respond to and no longer need drugs like Viagra is the difference between the performance anxiety of a younger man and an older one. As testosterone levels drop, so does the penis. I call it “the angle of the dangle.” This refers to the fact that how high a man’s erection juts out from his body indicates his age. Hold your hand perpendicular to your chest with the inside of your wrist facing your chest. Your thumb will be like a man in his twenties. The pinkie is a man in his sixties. It’s the same thing for an erection. You get the picture!
But there is no reason for any man to suffer (often in silence) and worry about his ability to have a satisfying sex life. Having aging male patients ask for Viagra allows me to candidly discuss their other health issues and refer them to other specialists if they need them. In a way, it’s as if Viagra has brought people out of the closet for treatment of other medical conditions that affect their sex lives, such as weight issues, diabetes, high blood pressure, and heart disease. (For more information about treating sexual dysfunction, see
page 87
in
Lesson 3
.)
Sometimes, performance anxiety has nothing to do with the ability to have and maintain erections, as Wayne found out. He’s
fifty-five and has been married to Christine for thirty years. Their kids are grown and out of the house.
“I thought we were happy together. We had a normal sex life, I guess,” Wayne said to me, his brow furrowed as he toyed nervously with a pen. “But lately, she’s been acting all different in the bedroom and she’s starting to scare me. I think she’s cheating on me and trying to get out of our marriage.”
“What does she say when you ask her about this?” I said.
“She says she’s just trying to make me happy ’cause the kids are gone. She wants to have more fun and go out more, like when we were first dating. And she wants to play around a lot more in bed. I don’t know what to do!”
Ah. Wayne’s performance anxiety had nothing to do with his physical ability to have sex. Instead, he was riddled with insecurities about his relationship with his wife.
“What I’m hearing is that the sex life you’ve had for years is suddenly not good enough for your wife anymore. You don’t understand where this could be coming from, so you’re taking it personally.
“But if you listen to your wife, you’ll understand that this isn’t what she’s telling you,” I went on. “You’re very fortunate that your wife wants to connect with you again physically. It’s not unreasonable to try and spice up a sex life. This is completely normal and happens a lot in women, especially as they get older and their hormone levels change. She doesn’t have to worry about getting pregnant or the kids barging into the room in the middle of the night. She just wants to be with
you
!”
I told Wayne to ask Christine to explain exactly what she wants in the bedroom. She might be worried that he didn’t find her
attractive or desirable anymore. If she wanted to try out different positions in the bedroom, they should talk about it beforehand and figure out a sexual style that they’re both comfortable with.
“And most of all don’t be scared of trying new things that keep you two having fun in bed.”
Wayne looked a lot less worried when he left.
Is it easier to get turned on or turned off?
Or, said another way, what turns you off to sex?
I deal with this topic every day in my office and with callers to my radio show who are looking for sex and relationship answers. We all know that sex is more than just hormonal urges or a perpetuate-the-species biological drive to go forth and make lots of babies. Sex is an integral part of life and especially of healthy relationships. Our sexual drive, or libido, is as hardwired into our systems as breathing, sleeping when we’re tired, stopping to eat when we’re hungry, seeking a purpose in life (in other words, a satisfying career), and experiencing the joys of love from friends and family.
Our libido is also in constant flux due to the stresses of daily life, the demands of pregnancy and child rearing, our health, our feelings of trust and intimacy with our partners, and even our sense of familiarity or boredom, or both, with these same partners.
But no matter what’s going on in your life, the number one reason people get turned off to sex is that it’s just not fun for them. The number two reason is because our partner has pissed
us off, and we just don’t want to get close at the moment (or potentially for a while afterward).
Let’s be realistic: expecting two people to have the same libido at the same moment of every day might be ideal but often isn’t feasible, as much as you might wish it were. At some point or another, everyone is going to have one of those days, weeks, or maybe even longer, when they’re just not in the mood.
There could be any number of valid reasons: a newborn baby leaving you so tired you want to glue your legs shut for the next decade; too much work leaving you utterly drained at the end of the day; monthly cramps that make you wish you could inject chocolate directly into your abdomen to make the annoying pains go away; or your partner in a bad mood, which pisses you off and makes you want to throttle, not embrace, him or her. That, in turn, can escalate into devastating fights. Fighting can also be triggered when your partner doesn’t listen, when you’re chronically ignored, or when you feel like you’re being patronized or dismissed.
You know,
life
gets in the way. But so does ignorance.
Remember, it’s not what happens in the bedroom that affects your sex life; it’s everything that happens
before
you get into the bedroom. And this can cause a lot of tension between partners.
If sex is fabulous fun and makes you feel good, especially with a partner you love, then you’re going to have a lot of regular sex. It’s like exercise. You know you need it, and you know it’ll make you feel good because your body needs it. The more you have, the better you feel. Having regular, satisfying sex is an integral component of any strong relationship. So whatever the reason, when the sex slows to a crawl, it’s time to take action.
If your sex life is going through a bad patch, don’t jump to the conclusion that something dire is happening, and don’t take it as a personal affront or rejection. Yes, your partner could be having an affair, but more likely he’s having a bad time at work and doesn’t want to share all the horrible details with you. (And no, he’s not sharing the details or a bed with anyone else.)
Yes, it’s possible he could be going to prostitutes because he doesn’t know anything about the physical causes of sexual dysfunction, but more likely his testosterone levels are so low they’ve squashed his libido flatter than his hair on a rainy day. Sure, there is a remote chance he might be clinically depressed, but more likely he’s just going through a phase where he’s worried about aging or feeling insecure for some reason.
Let’s take a look at some of the primary reasons why sex has slowed, and then you can take a quiz for each category to determine what the issue might be.
He’s cheating. (For the quiz and more information, go to
Lesson 4
, starting on
page 129
.)
He’s unusually stressed.
He’s depressed.
He’s got low testosterone.
He’s gay and in the closet.
He’s addicted to porn. (For the quiz and more information, go to
Lesson 4
, starting on
page 129
.)
QUIZ
IS HE UNUSUALLY STRESSED?
□
Have his sleep patterns changed?
□
Has he had drastic changes in his weight?
□
Is he exhausted all the time?
□
Does he have trouble concentrating?
□
Does his skin tone seem ashy or different?
□
Does he seem unusually nervous or anxious?
□
Is he moody, or moodier than usual?
□
Does he frequently seem unhappy or sad, or both?
□
Does he get a lot of phone calls from work or from family members, and do these phone calls seem to stress, aggravate, or worry him?
□
Does he talk about getting away from it all?
□
Does he snap at you when you want to talk?
□
Or does he tell you everything’s fine when you know it’s not?
□
Is he drinking more than usual?
Stress can take its toll in all sorts of ways. If they have the energy, some men want to have lots of sex as a release for all the tension they’re dealing with. Other men are the complete opposite. They withdraw and withhold.
If your partner is going through tough times due to problems at work, with family (your immediate family or other relatives), with friends, or with himself, you’ve got to communicate. Getting
a man to open up can be really hard when he’s used to being stoic or tight-lipped. But if he holds it all in, the stress might get worse, leading to depression, substance abuse (to help deal with the feelings of failure or being out of control of managing the situation), or further withdrawal. For more on depression, see the next section—and remember that stress is not the same as depression but can be a contributing factor. For specific tips on how to communicate effectively with a stressed-out partner and how to support him, read on to
Part II
.
Remember: a burden shared is a burden lessened. Get him to talk, however you can!
Dear Dr. Fisch: My Wife and I Are Working Too Much and It’s Taking Its Toll
Dear Dr. Fisch,
My wife and I are both thirty, and we’ve been married for two years. We’re both under a lot of strain at work, with long hours and a lot of stress. Things just aren’t the way they used to be. We hardly have sex any more, and when we do, there’s no more spark and fun like we used to have. And when I told my wife that I was going to either call your radio show or make an appointment to see you, she got so mad she stormed out of the house. I don’t know what to do.
Signed, Work Sucks
Dear Work Sucks,
I’m sorry to hear this. The fact that your wife stormed out isn’t a great sign, but she may have just lost it because she’s as stressed out or exhausted as you are. You know how easy that reaction is, especially when you’re feeling overwhelmed by your current predicament. Problems at work leading to stress and exhaustion can certainly send sex flying out the window. But that should only be temporary.
It seems like you two could communicate better. From your wife’s reaction to your attempted solution, it’s fairly clear that you’re not communicating effectively about how your stress at work and your job schedules are making you both miserable—and you’re definitely not communicating about sex. I’ll bet your exhaustion keeps you from being able to talk candidly.
The fact that you’re reaching out to me signals that you already recognize how unhealthy it is to let your sexual relationship dwindle. Having a good sex life is one of the most important things in a quality relationship, especially for young couples who haven’t been married long. Sex can actually alleviate a lot of the stress you’re dealing with, because it’s physically relaxing and will bring you together on a deeper, more intimate level.
You need to ask yourself if there’s something more than just exhaustion going on here. At this point, sex should not be the first thing on your mind. Obviously,
she stormed out because she’s very angry about something, and you’ll need to find out what that is. When you know she’s not so tired or frustrated, say to her gently, “I really love you, and I really miss how good our sex life was. What can we start doing as a team to get things working again? What can I do to make you enjoy having sex more?”
See what she says and take it from there. Do not keep things bottled up, because it’s crucial to get to the root of her anger right now. I guarantee that if you give her the space and listen so that she can tell you exactly what she wants from you—and you do it!—then you two will end up having better sex
and
a much better relationship.
I’ve said this many times but it’s worth repeating: It’s not just what happens in the bedroom that affects your sex life, it’s everything that happens outside the bedroom, too.