Read The New Naked: The Ultimate Sex Education for Grown-Ups Online

Authors: Harry Fisch,Karen Moline

Tags: #Self-Help, #Sexual Instruction, #Health & Fitness, #Sexuality

The New Naked: The Ultimate Sex Education for Grown-Ups (2 page)

We may have moved on from the time when reproduction was the primary purpose of having sex, but we certainly haven’t moved on to a time when sex isn’t necessary. It’s both a biological imperative to create future generations and an emotional and physical necessity in healthy adults. After all, sex is one of the greatest pleasures in life. Right?

So if you’re in a committed relationship and you’re
not
having sex, it’s
not
normal. Don’t assume that’s the way it’s supposed to be. Lack of sex could mean either partner has medical problems that should be checked out immediately, or perhaps one is having an affair, or in very rare cases, one is gay and not ready to come out of the closet. But most likely, they’re not communicating about what they need in bed and what having good sex actually means.

When women tell me they don’t want to have sex, I often say that’s probably because their sex life hasn’t been good. If you’ve
never had good sex—if it’s always been a chore or a bore, or it hurts or generally is something that has never given you pleasure—then why would you care about or want to improve your sex drive?

In other words, if you don’t want to drive the car, you’re not going to fill it up. And you’re probably not going to check the dipstick, either. You’re more likely to give up on the car and either stop driving or find a different model. That will be the kiss of death for your relationship.

How
The New Naked
Works

There are two parts of
The New Naked
. Think of them as the equivalent of you and your partner going back to school for my version of sex education. It’s never too late to learn how to have great sex!

In
Part I
. Sex Talk 101: What’s Right and What Can Go Wrong
, I’ll discuss sexual satisfaction, turn-ons and turn-offs, sexual dysfunction, and sexual risks. This is the information you need, the kind of accurate information that’s hard to get.

  • Lesson 1
    . Satisfaction: Can You Get It? Yes
    ,
    You Can!
    tackles the issue of doing sex right from an emotional point of view. I’ll discuss masturbation and how it affects sexual performance, how important lubrication is, and the reasons behind performance anxiety.

  • Lesson 2
    . What Turns You Off to Sex?
    deals with the many ways that couples can lose their spark and get turned off instead of turned on.

  • Lesson 3
    . Erection, Interrupted: The Anatomy of Sexual Dysfunction
    covers the physiological aspects of sexual
    dysfunction: how a penis works, what can go wrong, testosterone issues, infertility, and sexually transmitted infections.

  • Lesson 4
    . Risky Business: Pornography, Affairs, and Sexual Addiction
    gets to the heart of a key risk factor that causes a lot of sexual unhappiness—the over-reliance on porn in the twentieth century and what it’s doing to real relationships. I’ll also discuss how affairs and sexual addiction can destroy relationships.

In
Part II
. Communication 101: Learning How to Say What You Need
, I’ll introduce my LSD system. It is written for women, but your partner should read some sections on his own or with you.

LSD isn’t about the drug, obviously—it stands for Listening + Security + Desire. Mastering these three elements will instantly improve your and your partner’s ability to communicate with each other. Finally, both of you will be able to talk freely, openly, and honestly about what you really want and what you really need. Once you can do that, you’ll be able to get more sex. Better sex. Mutually satisfying sex.

But unless you and your partner are willing to delve into what makes your relationship tick, you’ll never have a satisfying sex life. Even if you are the most skilled lover in the world, your relationship will falter if it’s based only on sexual attraction. I firmly believe that the whole point of your emotional life as an adult is to have an intimate and trusting relationship with somebody who cares about you.

Caring will always be at the core. You can have crazy, hot, passionate sex, but if you don’t have the intimacy brought about by
mutual love and caring for each other’s well-being, the relationship is not going to last. And if you can’t identify what it takes to make you happy, your partner sure won’t be able to. How do you expect that relationship to work?

This explains why the first element of LSD is Listening. As a woman, you’re probably skilled at listening, but being a good listener is actually extremely difficult for men. Most likely, you already know that your guy is not exactly a champion at listening to you, right? In addition to that, guys often forget to acknowledge a woman’s need for security, which is as much an innate necessity for most women as the need to “mate” and spread their seed is for most men. Finally, it’s incredibly hard for many men to understand and fulfill a woman’s desires and to know how to masterfully create and play out sexual fantasies or cravings that will enhance, not destroy, their relationships.

  • Lesson 5
    . L Is for Listening
    will teach your man how to listen—and yes, it’s a skill. Men may balk at learning it because they know, deep down, that they stink at it. (They’re so used to
    not
    listening, in fact, that sometimes they are masters at closing off their ears!) This lesson will also teach him when he should keep quiet, when he can and should speak up, and how he can decode the messages you are sending to eliminate misunderstandings.

  • Lesson 6
    . S Is for Security
    talks about the issue that breaks up more marriages than practically anything else: money. Whether we like it or not, money makes the world go around. But it is amazing to me how my patients don’t talk candidly to each other about finances and the need
    for financial and emotional security—and then they can’t understand why they’re always fighting about money-related issues. We’ll tackle that here so you and your partner don’t take it out on each other in the bedroom.

  • Lesson 7
    . D Is for Desire
    shows your man how to make you feel special, loved, appreciated, and desired—and
    why it’s worth his while
    to do so. He will learn that a small amount of well-placed, well-timed, and well-meaning effort can reap surprisingly enormous rewards! And you will learn the surprising ways in which this can enhance your sex life, too.

One of the reasons I created the LSD system is that it allows me to cut to the chase when talking to patients. I once got a terrific compliment from a patient’s wife who told me I saved her marriage. She said that she got more helpful information from me in just a few appointments than she had in all the years she’d gone to therapy. The reason for her kind words is simple: I only have about thirty minutes with each patient.

I don’t have the luxury of time to delve into the whys and who-did-whats. I need to get to the aha moments in a flash, or my patients won’t get the help they need. And I can tell from their faces that with this method, they get it. They go home and they work on what I’ve instructed them to do. And then they report back to me on their success. That success is a vastly improved relationship—and sex life.

I’ve taken the best and most useful of all these moments and put them into this book, because it’s my mission to get everyone juiced up again. When couples come to see me, I always give them more information about their sexual behavior than they thought
they needed when they first came in the door. That’s because I know they need it.

In fact, they’re amazed at what I tell them, even about the simplest things. Like what to cut out of their diet to lose weight and have more stamina in bed. Like how to put the vibrator away. Like what a woman really wants—which often is as simple as sex with someone who shows, with just a little effort, that he cares about her.

At the very least, both men and women want LSD as the foundation for the best sex and the best relationship they can possibly have. (Even if the men complain that listening is harder than they thought because they never had to do it before!)

I hear the same thing every time I sit before the microphone on my radio show. Callers from all over the country confide their sexual secrets to me anonymously. You know what I hear over and over again? The same questions as from my patients. What’s normal for sex? Why can’t I satisfy my partner? What am I doing wrong? How do I do this? We don’t talk anymore; why won’t she talk to me? Am I addicted to porn? Why can’t I last as long as I used to? Why am I lasting
too
long? I gained weight, so is that why my sex life stinks? Where can I go for information? Can you help me?

Yes, I can!

Read on, and allow me to help you, too.

PART I
SEX TALK 101
What’s Right and What Can Go Wrong
LESSON 1
SATISFACTION
CAN YOU GET IT? YES, YOU CAN!

If you can’t get no satisfaction, you are either having bad sex or not enough sex.

It’s that simple.

Here’s an example from one of my patients. Walt came into my office, sat down, and sighed. I soon found out why. He was having sex once every four months with his wife. (That’s pretty much saying he wasn’t having any sex with her.) We went over why this was going on, and Walt’s problem turned out to be premature ejaculation, a very common problem for men of all ages. I’ll get to that later in this lesson, but essentially premature ejaculation means that a man ejaculates way too quickly. When that happens, the sex act itself can be awfully short and awfully unsatisfying for the woman. Let me just say that his wife Sally was not happy about the current state of their sex life.

What was the reason for Walt’s situation? I didn’t know yet, but what typically happens is that the guy tells me everything is fine and he lasts a long time, while his partner looks dumbfounded and then says, “Actually, he finishes kind of quickly.” When I tell them that typically having sex takes about five to ten minutes and
that men with premature ejaculation are done within two minutes, the facial expressions change. He’ll look crestfallen and she’ll be relieved—that there’s a name for his problem and that it’s not her fault. And that someone believes her!

Walt’s answer was more like denial. He didn’t believe he had a problem in the sack. Rather, he thought the problem was on his wife’s end. “Talk to my wife,” Walt told me. “I really want to have more sex with her.”

“I don’t think she wants to have sex with
you
,” I replied. “Not the way you’re doing it now. Everybody wants to have sex. They want things that are pleasurable. So when a woman says that she doesn’t want to have sex, it’s because it’s not pleasurable to her.”

Walt looked stunned. And then sheepish.

Fortunately, Sally was eager to talk to me and actually relieved that Walt’s problem was such a common one. Together, we were able to pinpoint the causes of Walt’s ejaculation problem and get their sex life back on track. Walt just needed a bit of guidance to realize that his sexual issue
wasn’t
normal, and that although it was fine for him, it absolutely wasn’t fine for his wife. He couldn’t last long enough to satisfy Sally, and he was lousy in bed. The problem was that Sally didn’t know how to broach the topic without hurting his feelings. When we finally cleared the air, I was able to guide them through the problem and they were able to solve it together.

Yes, Sex Is a Skill, and Yes, You Can Get Better at It

No one wants to think that he or she might be terrible in bed. But many people are because no one ever taught them the basics of good sex. You might be technically proficient. But that doesn’t
mean the satisfaction level is there. And it’s time to do something about it.

Like Sally, the wives who talk to me are desperate to unburden their worries about their sex lives to somebody who understands what’s going on in their bedrooms. They’ve literally been going crazy because they know they need help—because their husbands really need help—and they don’t know where to turn. These women aren’t embarrassed or ashamed. They’re
thrilled
because they have a lethal secret.

The lethal secret is that for them, the sex stinks.

When I tell them the key to unlocking this secret is to treat the physical act of sex as a skill to be learned and to treat their emotions with the LSD you’ll learn about in
Part II
, I see the tension drain out of them, replaced by a hopeful smile. As I mentioned in the Introduction, my patients usually come to me for a quick fix to their flagging sex lives and end up getting a lot more—the information that will help them the most. Most likely, they think a prescription for Viagra or testosterone will solve things, yet they have no clue whether they actually
need
Viagra.

I tell patients like this that sex is like learning how to ski. Even if you’re a world-class athlete, you’ve got to start at the beginning and go down the bunny slope. Basics first. One step at a time. If you think you know what you’re doing and blithely hop on the lift to the black-diamond run before you’re ready, it can kill you or at least make you look very foolish.

Unsatisfying sex isn’t going to kill you physically, but it sure can kill your relationship. A really sad fact is that up to 50 percent of women don’t have orgasms during sex. Another sad fact is that about 45 percent of men have premature ejaculations.
Putting the two together is a recipe for no fun in bed for either of you.

Yet everyone seems to think that simply because you
can
have sex, you will automatically have
great
sex. I’ve seen so much sadness and frustration from people who love each other but can’t please each other in bed that it’s become my responsibility to teach my patients how to have good sex, because it’s instantly clear that
they don’t know how to do it.
They simply don’t understand that while good sex is a skill, great sex takes even more mastery. And having a thriving, loving relationship with great sex whenever you want it is a lifetime endeavor. One, I can happily say from experience, that is an awful lot of fun to master!

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