“Look, it’s nothing to be worried about. I’m talking rabbits, moles, gray foxes.” He put his hands in the air, shrugging at the same time. “Coyote and bobcats sometimes, but…”
Caitlin’s eyebrows shot up. “Hold up.
Bobcats?
”
Tom took her by the arm again and pulled her closer. He gave her shoulders a squeeze, tried to make it friendly even though his mind was screaming out that it should mean something more. “I come here all the time, honestly, we’ll be fine. I was just trying to rile you up.”
She looked relieved. “Phew, you had me there.”
Tom stayed close, tried not to chuckle again. He liked how innocent she was, how her eyebrows arrowed when she was worried. “I wasn’t kidding about the wildlife, but I do promise I’ll keep you safe.”
Caitlin looked at him as though she wasn’t sure whether to jump back in the car and refuse to move, or to thump him for scaring her. She did look a little pale though.
“You okay?”
She nodded, but didn’t move away from him, stayed close. And he liked that.
“Let’s limber up, then get going. You’ll love it.”
Caitlin didn’t look so sure, but she followed his lead, checking her shoelaces, doing a few stretches, then grabbing her water bottle from the car.
“Ready?” he asked.
She gave him a sideways look before joining him, taking two steps to keep up with his one long stride. “As I’ll ever be.”
* * *
Caitlin was feeling better. Not about the wildlife, but about the fact she could put one foot in front of the other without her head pounding.
“Pace okay?” he asked.
She glanced at Tom and couldn’t help but see the smile etched on his face. “Too slow for you, huh?”
“There’s nothing wrong with a stroll.”
Caitlin stepped it up a bit, not wanting him to go too easy on her. “So tell me about coming home,” she asked, wanting to know more about him. “Are you doing okay, honestly?”
His face clouded over, darkened, like a storm brewing where before there had been sunshine. “What do you want to know?”
She watched the scenery as they walked, liked the fact there was hardly anyone else around and they could relax. It wasn’t often she was away from the city. “I just thought you might have a story or two to share, that’s all. It’s no big deal.”
He didn’t say anything. She listened to the calls of birds she’d never heard before, scanned the trees as they passed. If he didn’t want to talk it was up to him. She had plenty she didn’t like to talk about, so she wasn’t going to press him.
“There’s more to it than me messing up my ear.”
His flat, morose tone made her slow down and look back at him. She’d known there was more, that there had to be something else for him to have reacted the way he had the other night. It was why she’d wanted to ask him. Even if a part of her was scared of his response.
“What happened?” she asked, wishing she could touch him, comfort him, as she would a friend.
He pushed a hand through his hair and stopped walking, bending to pick up a rock and turning it over and over in his hand as if it were something interesting, something that he’d been looking for. “We lost a man when the bomb went off,” Tom said, a hard edge to his voice that she hadn’t heard before. “I hate that I’m not doing my job still, but we lost one of our own that day and SEALs don’t
ever
lose one of their own.” His voice had gone from deep to impossibly deeper, the muscles in his arms flexing as he started to squeeze the stone as if he was trying to kill it.
Caitlin didn’t say anything. She stood on the spot, watching him, knowing he wanted to talk. That he had to get it off his chest.
And she wanted to be the one to listen.
Even if her pulse was starting to race. She tried to drag her eyes from his hand.
“Whenever I think about it I want to…” He started to walk again.
Tom didn’t need to finish his sentence. It scared her anyway.
“I should have been able to do something. I should have been… Damn!” He hurled the rock through the air, hefting it with all his might, his big frame rising and falling with every breath he sucked back.
“I’m sorry,” she said, trying hard not to whisper, not wanting him to see how much he was frightening her. Caitlin tried not to let her mind go
there,
but she wasn’t strong enough.
She hid among her mom’s clothes, hands over her ears, not wanting to hear what he was doing to her. Not wanting to hear her mom whimper as her dad hit her, aiming his punches low where no one would ever see the bruises.
She’d tried so hard to make him happy, to deflect the attention from her mom, but no matter what she did, it never seemed to work.
Caitlin fought to keep her feet planted, resisting the urge to run blindly down a track she’d hardly taken any notice of. She needed to trust in Tom, to try to believe that he wouldn’t hurt her.
Tom’s angry gaze met hers. “I’m sorry, too. I think about it every day and I don’t know what we could have done differently, but there must have been
something.
”
“And your ear?” she asked, forcing her fear away, pushing through the barriers she’d had up for so long.
“I have another specialist appointment next week, but it’s not looking great,” he said, blowing out a breath. His voice softened, returned back to normal, and Caitlin started to relax. “I just have to get over it and move on, right?”
Caitlin frowned. “Tom, I…”
He shook his head and stepped up the pace, body all rigid again. “I don’t want to be rude, Caitlin, but I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I find it hard enough dealing with it all inside my own head without talking about it and making it all real again.”
She bit her lip and kept walking. He was more restrained now than angry, but she still felt that she needed to keep her distance from him.
I know how you feel,
she wanted to say.
Because I’ve lost what I love, too.
The words were there, in her throat and waiting to be shared, but he’d stopped her. His anger had made her falter.
“Come on, let’s stop being morbid and have a good look around. See if we can find us some bobcats.”
Caitlin blinked away a tear, pleased he was looking ahead and not at her. Because she never spoke about what had happened to her, what she’d been through,
to anyone,
and she’d been so close to opening up to him. To telling him about her past to try to help him deal with his future. He’d scared her, but she’d still been so close to braving up and telling him.
“Sure,” she said, putting on a bright face. “I bet they’d eat you first though, given that you’re bigger than me.”
Tom chuckled, smiling at her over his shoulder as he held his hand out, completely at odds with how they’d been only moments before. “I’d disagree, but you’re probably right.”
She gingerly reached for his hand as they went off-trail, liking that he wanted to help her, but terrified of his touch all the same. The thought of how those hands could hurt her.
“Tom…ow!” Caitlin scrambled to stop her ankle from turning over, flung her arms out, but she was too late. Tom caught her before she completely hit the ground, his big hand clamping over her wrist.
“Jeez, Caitlin.” He dropped to the earth beside her, gently pulling her ankle out from under her.
It hurt. Like hell. Tears burned in her eyes.
“Are you okay? Where does it hurt?”
She grimaced as he touched her foot, as much from pain as seeing his hand against her skin. “My ankle,” she said, trying to be brave. “It hurts real bad.”
Tom frowned as he undid her shoelace. “It’ll be fine, I’m sure it’s only a sprain.”
Caitlin shut her eyes as he gently guided her shoe and then her sock off, his hands touching her as if she were a breakable doll that needed the most careful of attention. His touch was soft enough that it almost calmed her.
“It’s starting to swell a little already,” he said, pushing up the leg of her pants.
Caitlin started to heat up and it had nothing to do with the burning sensation in her ankle. She watched as Tom ran his fingers over every inch of her foot and ankle. He was inspecting her, checking her as he might a patient had he been a doctor, and it was making her flush. Then his hand went to slide higher. Caitlin fought the urge for a moment and then quickly brushed his hand away. “I’m fine.”
“Did that hurt?” he asked, confusion crossing his face.
She shook her head, mute. Maybe it did hurt, she didn’t know anymore. All she did know was that the way his fingers were playing across her skin could make even the most painful of broken bones feel healed. And at the same time she couldn’t bear them getting any closer to…
“Where did you get this scar?”
Caitlin looked down. Oh. Her face burned as though it was being licked by flames.
He was crouched in front of her, inspecting the now-faint scars marring her skin, translucent against her light tan. She pulled at her trouser leg, covering the marks.
“Oh, them,” she stuttered. “An accident, a long time ago.” A few minutes before, she’d been ready to open up to him and tell him what had happened to her. But she didn’t want to open up to him now, not injured and thinking about him the way she was. Not when he was already feeling sorry for her. The only reason she was going to tell him was to help him through his problems, not because she wanted him to feel sorry for her.
And besides, she didn’t want to go there. Wasn’t brave enough.
She’d spent years proving to herself and everyone around her that she was strong, and she had no intention of changing that now. What was she going to say?
Yeah, I don’t want you touching me because I’m scared you’re going to hurt me. Oh, and those scars are from my psycho ex-boyfriend, who was just like my dad.
“Do you think you can walk?” Tom asked, still frowning, looking at her with
way
too much intensity.
Caitlin looked up and into warm brown eyes that stopped her from thinking. Or maybe they didn’t, because she could think plenty about the way he looked, the way he was looking at her, as if she was the most precious thing in the world. At least it took her mind off her past, which all of a sudden seemed to be haunting her like a nightmare all over again, the way it used to.
Caitlin cleared her throat. “Yeah, I’ll try to walk.”
She took Tom’s hand and tried to rise, held on to him and pulled herself up, knowing it’d be stupid not to accept his help.
“Take it slow,” he instructed, hands firm against her body, holding her tight.
Tears sprang into Caitlin’s eyes, but she fought them, tried hard not to show it, because she didn’t want him to think she was weak.
“It hurts like hell, doesn’t it?” Tom asked, voice gruff.
When she didn’t respond, couldn’t get the words out through the pain even with her teeth clenched, he took one hand from her waist and cupped it beneath her chin. “Doesn’t it, Caitlin?”
“What?” she whispered, staring into his eyes, trying to stop her body from shaking.
“Hurt?” he asked again, but this time his voice was lower, as though he was distracted, too. Tom’s gaze moved to her lips. He hesitated, but only for a heartbeat.
Caitlin hardly even had time to think before Tom dipped his head, lips brushing against hers in the most delicate of motions, touching her so gently she wondered if she’d imagined it.
He pulled back, watching her, seeming to want to give her the chance to pull away, to push him back. But she didn’t. As flushed and hot and scared and in pain as she was, Caitlin had no intention of pulling away, of telling him no.
She couldn’t. Because after so long keeping her distance from men, Tom’s lips on hers felt so darn
nice.
Tom bent, his big frame curved to bring his face to her level. He pressed his forehead against hers, looking into her eyes, before tugging her closer with his hand to her waist, the other tangled in her hair as though he didn’t want to let her go.
Caitlin scooped her arms around him, catching them at the back of his neck, not caring that her ankle was burning and throbbing or that her fear was trying so hard to strangle her. Because Tom had taken all her weight and was holding her to him, mouth moving over hers as if he were hungry, lips caressing hers over and over again until they felt bruised. Plump from all the attention.
And she wasn’t going to complain.
Tom pulled back, but he didn’t let go of her. “I didn’t plan this,” he said softly, forehead pressed to hers again, eyes looking at her as though he’d never looked at anything so important in all his life.
Caitlin was breathless. Absolutely, ridiculously out of breath.
She fought not to wriggle away from him, braved his gaze. “Good, because my ankle’s killing me.”
Tom dropped another quick, gentle kiss to her lips before scooping her up and cocooning her against his chest. “Better?” he asked.
Caitlin shut her eyes and tucked her head against the warmth and breadth of him. She couldn’t deny that being held by Tom felt great. As if she was finally, truly safe, when before she’d only ever felt safe on her own. “Much.”
“Well, let’s get you out of here,” he said, walking back to the trail and carrying her as if she weighed no more than a child.
She nestled her body in, liking feeling weightless, enjoying the way his arms curled around her shoulders and supported her legs. “Are you sure I’m not too heavy? I mean, it’s a fair walk back,” she asked.
Tom placed his chin to the top of head but didn’t slow his steady, even pace. “I’ve trained half my life for situations like this,” he said with a chuckle. “Believe me when I say I’d rather carry you for a mile than some of the things I’ve had to haul for ten or more.”
“Seriously?”
“You’re a ballerina, not a heavyweight wrestler,” he joked. “And besides, it’s about time I practiced what I preach. I make the recruits do stuff like this all the time, only they don’t get to carry anyone near as pretty as you.”
Caitlin blushed. “Do you have a favorite running cadence?”
He laughed, looking down at her as he moved. “How did you know it was called a cadence? Most civilians just call them running songs.”