The Natural: How to Effortlessly Attract the Women You Want (18 page)

A “link” is a transition point given to you by your conversational partner that you can use to extend the interaction without starting a new, unrelated topic. Every time a woman opens her mouth, she’s giving you a link. It might be her accent, the words she uses, or the information she gives you. If she tells you she’s Brazilian and studying English in the States for three weeks, you have three links that you can feed off (Brazil, studying English, here for three weeks). Once you’ve established a connection by responding to a link in the conversational chain, you can then ask another question or elicit another link.

Your goal with each link should be to connect in a positive way, enhancing the likelihood of rapport. The best way to do this is to talk positively about her. Less effective ways are to relate the point to your own experience, to be clichéd, or to be negative. Let’s look at the three levels of evolution in this area:

You:
What do you do?

Her:
I’m an artist.

You:
Cool, so … where are you from?

Her:
Switzerland.

You:
That’s nice. What do you do in your spare time?

Her:
I like going to movies.

Put yourself in the girl’s position here. She’s constantly under pressure; the spotlight is always on her and she’s being asked to contribute a lot of information while getting nothing in return. Regardless of her answer, you move straight on to the next question. This is because you’re already thinking about the next question as she answers, instead of trying to use what she gives you in a unique way depending on her response. Unfortunately, this is how most guys try to connect with girls.

2. Self-obsessed relating

You:
What do you do?

Her:
I’m an artist.

You:
Cool, my brother is an artist; he makes these sculptures out of tin foil. He made one the other day of a fish that’s really cool. So… Where are you from?

Her:
Switzerland.

You:
Oh great! I have a Swiss watch and I like Swiss chocolates. My friend went to Switzerland on holiday, said it was great. What do you do in your spare time?

Her:
I like going to the movies.

You:
I love watching films too. I saw that new one with Johnny Depp; that was cool. I want to watch that other new one coming out next week, forgot the name…

What’s going on here is that you’re using the link, taking the pressure off the girl; so it’s better than the interview. However, you’re not making a connection; in fact, you’re putting up a barrier. You’re saying, in effect, “Anything you say I will relate to my reality, and I won’t try to understand yours.” When someone is talking about himself, it’s less interesting than when he’s talking about you. In this kind of conversation, the girl won’t want to give more to the interaction because you haven’t shown empathy or understanding.

To get faster rapport and connection, you need to learn to have conversations like this:

You:
What do you do?

Her:
I’m an artist.

You:
Interesting! I like that: I imagine you must see the world in a different way than most people; you must be able to appreciate beauty in more things. Where are you from?

Her:
Switzerland.

You:
You don’t look like it, but I’ve heard that people from Switzerland are quite conventional and really stick to rules and things. You look more like a bit of a rebel—just look at that hairstyle! What’s a hobby of yours?

Her:
I like watching movies.

You:
I guess that, being a creative person, you must enjoy seeing other people’s creativity. But when you look at art, perhaps you always see the technical aspects as well, so it must be nice to go to a movie and just enjoy the experience.

The above dialogue uses snippets from a real conversation, but in the actual conversation I didn’t jump around the topics in that way, because I was talking with and about an actual person. Because I was making an attempt both to understand her and to get things right, she opened up easily, jumping in and expanding things, and the conversation got deep very quickly.

This final example, showing how even relatively boring questions can be used effectively, reveals that learning to relate to a woman’s reality is a very powerful technique.

Can you pick up girls on the dance floor? If you can’t, you’re limiting yourself severely. There are tons of girls who love dancing that you won’t be able to approach. My philosophy, back when I was first learning, was that I wanted to be able to pick up a girl I was attracted to at any time, in any place, and in any situation. As someone with two left feet, I felt uncomfortable in clubs and was very self-conscious; dance-floor game didn’t come easy. Now I can dance a little bit—at least I’m on the beat—but the main thing is that I’m not self-conscious and I have fun dancing. Yes, I actually enjoy it!

There are a few ways to pick up a girl on the dance floor. It will always be more of a numbers game because it’s non-verbally direct, but with a bit of practice you can up your odds.

The first thing you need to do is differentiate yourself from the other guys on the dance floor. They’re doing a couple of things that you should
not
do.

  Stand around the girls, checking them out while not dancing yourself.

  Make a sad attempt to dance without being into the music, just trying to get near the girls.

  Grind on a girl’s ass.

  Have fun dancing around, without trying to get near the women. Enjoy yourself; enjoy the music. When you’re a man having fun on the dance floor, you’ll immediately stand out from all the other men. The women will move away from all the other guys (who are drooling over them, or trying to grind on them) and gather around you.

  You can then mirror a particular girl’s dancing in an exaggeratedly funny way, get eye contact, and force interest. Initiate a “dance-off” with the girl where you gesture to her to watch your moves; then bust a silly little move and point at her expectantly.

  On the edge of the dance floor with girls who aren’t quite dancing, you can say, “Do you like dancing?” If they say yes, say, “Do you salsa?”—and, as you say it, take them and start salsaing.