The Lost Train of Thought (30 page)

Appendix C

Tools of the Trade

Selected Tools from “The Lost Train of Thought.”
(
Note:
Reprinted from
The Catalog
, copyright © Seemsbury Press, MCGBVIX, The Seems.)

Tool Name:
Spork™
Use:
Escape from anytraz with this hand-held tunneling device! Ultra-quiet motor makes for ultra-quiet exits. Vacuum shoot inhales messy dust. Leaves subtle herringbone groove.
Designer:
Steve Spork

Tool Name:
Fly on the Wall™ (Discontinued)
Use:
Surveillance. Bugging people out. Being a pest. Comes with dual joystick remote!
(CR2032 lithium battery not included.
)
Designer:
Morton Penske

Tool Name:
Didgeradoozy™
Use:
Give new meaning to breaking wind! Audio blast reduces football field radius to mush. Kakadu design.
(WARNING: Self-defense only. May cause injury or harm.)
Designer:
Fixer Casey Lake w/ Toolshed Staff

Tool Name:
Al’s-O-Vera™
Use:
“PENSKE ASTOUNDS WITH MIRACLE DREAM CREAM.”
²⁸
Apply to skin and watch scorched epidermis regrow like a Chia pet!
Treats:
lesions, burns, bug bites, scars, lacerations, vacillations, poison ivy and sumac, and psoriasis.
Designer:
Al Penske

Tool Name:
Bear Claws™
Use:
When it’s a bear of a Mission, you’ll dig these helping hands! Paws come with three-inch claws, Thinsulate fur, and natural suede pads.
^*
Not to be confused with a pastry of the same name.
Designer:
The Handyman

Tool Name:
Key Chain™
Use:
Sick of toothpicks, Dweezers™, and knocking three times? You’re never locked out when you carry your Key Chain.
(Guaranteed to pick any lock or your money back.)
Designer:
Al Penske

Tool Name:
Bleceiver™
Use:
Condense your overcrowded Toolkit with this
Blinker
™ combo whose time has finally come! Available in all-new colors: Plum, Tangerine, Kiwi, Maize, Polka Dot, Camouflage, and Fixer Fern.
Designer:
Al Penske Jr.

Tool Name:
Thinking Cap™
Use:
One spin of the propeller on top of this canvas beanie and your IQ shoots through the roof! A must for complex Missions. (And final exams.)
Designer:
Al Penske

Tool Name:
Speed Demons™
Use
: Throw those Reebok Pumps in the trash and pretend you’re Golden Age Flash! Sneaks come in standard or automatic, three colors, high-top or low!
(Ask about our turbo models!)
Designer:
Al Penske

Tool Name:
Stopwatch™
Use
: When Time is of the Essence, strap into the octagon! Self-winding. Quartz movement. Essence resistant to 300tg!
(Note: Beware Butterfly Effect!)
Designer:
Yore Alvayez Ontim

Tool Name:
Seat Belt™
Use:
Simply insert the flat metal end into the buckle and pull! Guaranteed to keep your feet on the ground, even when The World turns upside down!
(Extension available for big & tall.)
Designer:
Al Penske

Tool Name:
Extremely Cool Outfit™
Use:
Style meets substance in the garment that’s sure to be the rage on Easy Street. Adjusts for temperature, setting, and “cool factor.”
(One size fits all.)
Designer:
Al Penske Jr.

Tool Name:
Trinoculars™
Use:
Sick of being called “four eyes”? Well, now you have
five
and it just doesn’t roll off the tongue the same way Sucks for them. Two oculars search distance, third taps anja chakra (brow) and grants 20/20 hindsight!
Sees through every material except Hide.
Designer:
Al Penske

Tool Name:
Turf Board™
Use
: Hang ten. Flick off. Turn turtle. Cover more distance than a gazelle—and all on dry land! Hand painted by the Original Artist! Aloha, dude.
Designer:
Al Penske Jr.

Tool Name:
Security Blanket™
Use:
Wrap this puncture-resistant quilt around your loved ones and sleep tight! Keeps the insulated insulated from every element known to Al! (Also not bad for picnics or sitting on the grass.) Comes in solid, plaid, or country folk.
Designer:
Al Penske Jr.

Tool Name:
The Solution to All Our Problems™
Use:
Everything
Designer:
Al Penske
Sorry, not currently available.

28.
Daily Plan, Volume #MGBBG, Issue J, Section: “Seems Style.”

*
For more information on Tools, arcana, and Seemsian
détritus en général
please visit the Fixer’s Lounge area of theseems.com. [Password:
LTF-FTL
]

Mission: The Lost Train of Thought [037024]
Filed by: Jelani Blaque

Though we managed to save The World from the Unthinkable, this Mission still leaves me with a great sadness. Human Resources and the IFR will have their work cut out for them to make up for those Fixers who remain lost or missing.

Despite Fixer Lake’s suggestions, it was my call to make sure Fixer Drane drew the short end of the stick and thus would end up driver of the train. I did so because I believed it would be a safer assignment than facing Nowherians in hand-to-hand combat. I was wrong and take full responsibility for this decision.

There were officially no Briefers on this Mission, but I must state for the record how proud I was of each member of the first and second teams. I also wish to give a Special Commendation to Thibadeau Freck, whose courage and fortitude over the last several years ensured our final victory over the Tide.

(Note: In the case of the one UNofficial Briefer on this Mission— Simly Alomonus Frye— I propose this matter be handled internally by IFR personnel.)

a) Fixers must be
fully
briefed on all Missions, regardless of Clearance. As we saw on this Mission, lack of information about the Most Amazing Thing of All nearly cost both teams. b) Begin construction on the wall that Fixer Drane promised the Nowherians. c) Even though the Tide is quashed, Triton’s identity remains unknown. He
must
be found and brought to justice.

Check here if you wish to attend the Department of Energy’s “Power Lunch”— a symposium on helping The World go green!

Signature

The Powers That Be

MEMORANDUM

From: The Powers That Be
To: All Seems Employees
Re: Change of Plans

Dear Fellow Seemsians:

Though recent events have tested our mettle, I am proud to announce that The Tide has been defeated and peace restored to The Seems. Nonetheless, you have called for change and we, the Powers That Be, are listening!

Effective immediately, my office will be accepting suggestions on making adjustments to The World. Already, initiatives for the two-day work/school week, ending global hunger, and a Make All Your Problems Go Away button have reached my desk and are awaiting final approval.