The Lost Blogs (38 page)

’Twas a good showing with almost twenty or more of our blogger-knights, and after hours had passed and good words were exchanged,
the lot of us all looked up from the table at which we sat and it hit us. I believe it was
Sir Tristam
who said, “
Here we sit, knights at this round table, bloggers first in heart, knights second in courage. This table is awfully nice as
well, whose is it? I particularly like the roundness of it…”

Well, the table was owned by the establishment, of course—but Tristam’s thoughts were well received. It was then, at that
moment, we all came to agreement on our official formation of an organization whose ultimate goal above all would be to meet
regularly for a bloggers roundtable. Writing, form, subject matter and grammatical issues plaguing the bloggers across these
great lands. The moment of our formation would never be forgotten.

All in all, a very exciting time for the kingdom and I’m glad to say that I was honored to meet each and every one of my new
brothers, and even more pleased that I made it throughout the night without losing my dinner all over the floor.

External Link:
Royal Bloggers Website

From:
http://www.philistine.g0Liath.com/blog/

Subject:
Israelite.c0m Hack3d!

I am th3 uLtiM4t3. (Click
h3re
for the cha0s.)

Check 0ut Israelite.c0m and t3LL me that isn’t the m0st hilari0us thing you’ve ever s33n. It t00k me 40 days to do it, but
my sup3ri0r hacK1ng skiLLz triumph3d and they’LL nev3R get the uLtiM4t3… g0Liath.

I am t00 g00d f0r th0se small mind3d, puny Israelites!

Posted by g0Liath at 6:11 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)

C0MM3NTS

You’re not THAT good. We’ve tracked your domain name to an address in the Valley of Elah. I’m going to take you down.

Posted by: David | 6:15 AM

What3ver. Y0u d0nt sc4re me, runt.

Posted by: G0Liath | 6:28 AM

Not only do we know you’re in the Valley of Elah, but we know you’re from Gath. You’ve got family there, don’t you? I’m sure
they’d love to know what barbaric things you’re doing to other people’s sites.

Posted by: David | 7:01 AM

Big wh00p. Any0n3 wiTh half a brain c0uLd figur3 that 0ut.

Posted by: GOLiath | 8:21 AM

We’re gonna cut the snake off at the head, if you know what I mean.

Posted by: David | 9:23 AM

So c0m3 aNd get m3, c0w4rd!

Posted by: G0Liath | 9:41 AM

Look out your tent. You should see me standing about 100 feet from your camp on the mountain.

Posted by: David | 9:49 AM

***COMMENTS CLOSED BY HOST***

From:
http://www.benfranklin.org/blog/

Subject:
Journaling June, Seventeen Hundred Fifty-two

I so blacked out again last night.

So get this—I totally wake up this morning, way wiped, facedown in what tastes like a puddle of rainwater, a bunch of street
kids dancing around me like I was some kind of fat pig at a picnic. I am OUT OF IT. There’s some damn cloth and string tied
up all around me and a big ol’ key in my hands. I bolted as quick as I could get myself untangled—I didn’t need the attention.

Look, at least it wasn’t as bad as
last time
, when I woke up after those bastard Founding Fathers wrote less than cool nicknames all over my forehead in black ink. And
it wasn’t nearly as embarrassing as the time I found myself stark naked and wrapped in a half-finished American flag. Doh!
A certain BR was none too pleased that I had soiled her hard work.

But what is UP with this whole cloth string key thing? I don’t know if any of you saw me out partying it up last night but
if you did and you can tell me what the hell I ended up doing last night, do me a big one and
e-mail me
. Seriously. Man, my head is friggin’ throbbing right now. Oh, and get this! I totally just realized that someone shaved or
burnt my eyebrows off! I got black soot marks all over my damn body.

I’ll bet you it was Adams. That guy is always talkin’ about shaving people’s eyebrows off and lighting them on fire. Come
to think of it, Adams was also the guy who spearheaded the whole “write on Franklin’s forehead with ink while he’s passed
out” thing. He’s always drunk, that’s probably why. Man, what is this key for?

Anyway—to recap: I am clueless as to last night’s events. Give me a holler if you got anything to share.

From:
http://www.jack_ruby.com/blog/

Subject:
Liveblogging JFK’s Assassination!

Nov 22, 12:30pm: President Kennedy has been shot No, I am NOT JOKING. Turn on your radio. I was just watching it on TV and
I couldn’t believe my eyes. OK. Okay. I’m, I just don’t know what I can tell you… I am SO ANGRY.

12:32pm: Still VERY angry. Kennedy is en route to a hospital. There’s no way he’s going to survive that shot. I can tell.
Who did it? No idea. Some Commie bastard, I’m sure of it.

12:33pm: Just kicked in part of the wall in the bathroom. Made me feel a little bit better.

12:34pm: Angry again.

12:38pm: Kennedy just arrived at Parkland Hospital. I hope they have good doctors there. I’ve never been to the Parkland Hospital
but I gotta tell ya—I would never go to a hospital that had the word ‘park’ in its name. That’s like going to a hospital where
the word ‘fun’ is in its name. Someplace called Funland Hospital. There’s no serious medicine being practiced there, I can
tell you that GODDAMMIT.

12:40pm: TV isn’t working anymore. Had to switch to radio. Antenna on the TV has been on the fritz lately. Waiting to hear
if they caught anyone. Keep you up to date.

12:43pm: Okay. I kicked in the TV. I didn’t want to mention that above, but I was angry. This is CRAZY. I am SO MAD.

12:45pm: Police are getting somewhere. Suspect is slender white male about thirty, five feet ten, one sixty-five, carrying
what looked to be a 30.30 or some type of Winchester. Says he was in the Book Depository. Locking it down.

12:53pm: Seeing red. Blowing in paper bag. So very angry. Sad, too. More angry then sad. A sad/angry combination. About 30%
sad, 70% angry.

12:57pm: Update on anger percentage: 10% sad, 90% angry.

1:00pm: Kennedy declared dead. 100% angry.

[Update: Suspect in custody. Something Oswald.]

[Update 2: I can’t do this anymore. 120% angry, −20% sad. I have things to take care of. I’ll be back. No blogging for the
next few days. Gonna take a break]

Angryangryangry.

From:
http://www.marquis_de_sade.fr/blog/

Subject:
An Apology to Renee

Baby doll. Darlin’. I’m sorry. No, not sorry like last time—REALLY sorry.

Darlin’, I hope you are reading these words and you can hear the disappointment in them. The disappointment in myself. I know
that I am not the man you expected me to be and I apologize for hurting you in any way. The first few times when I hurt you,
you said nothing—you simply skulked away and remained silent. How was I to know that you felt as if I had crossed a line in
our marriage? I never meant to hurt you. I do have control over myself, unlike what you have vocalized to me, and these horrible
painful things that I have done to you, I… They fill my… Just thinking about them makes me… I…

Sorry, I am back. There was someone at the door.

As I was saying, my little love-muffin—I never meant to hurt you. I know you believe me when I tell you that you mean more
to me than anything, and if I ever put you in a position where you felt like I was harming you, it was simply an accident
that… I… Uh, oooh yeah…

Had to get a glass of water… Anyway—

You gotta forgive me, baby. Accept my apology for these things which you find abhorrent. I am a good man. You make me want
to be a better man. Having the police come to our door that night after I supposedly “abused” you was not the right thing
to do, if I may say so myself. Bringing strangers from the outside into our lives adds complication to an already complicated
relationship. You must know, deep down, that when I whip you it means I care for you more than I can express in words… You
should know, that when I strap you into those painful contraptions, that it means I long for us to grow old together…

This is why I wanted to apologize to you here, for all the world to see. So you knew, that I had grown, that I had matured,
and that I can put these painful hobbies behind m—

Sorry, I’m back. Where was I? Oh—I apologize.

Please forgive me, darling. It will never happen again!

[Webmaster note: Looking for
pictures
and
erotic stories
? Click to read.]

From:
http://www.c.s.lewis.com/blog/

Subject:
Mother’s Story

“
There’s a lying witch in the wardrobe
,” she said. “
She sleeps there, waiting for curious children who enjoy playing with their mother’s bras to come calling. And then, as they’re
about to put her expensive bras on their head and play knights and dragons, well, the witch will awaken and strike them dead
right on the spot!!
”

Mother told Warren and me that story for years following the “bra incident of 1907” in which expensive bras became expensive
warrior headdresses and armbands, painted in the colours of our tribes. As I got older, and smarter, I still feared this “lying
witch.”

Then I got to thinking. If she was a “lying witch” she should be telling untruths. If she was sleeping in there, she should
be “a witch lying down in the wardrobe.” It was about then that her entire story unraveled and I realized that the grammatical
inconsistencies pointed to the falsehoods being spun by mother dearest.

Still there was always something catchy about there being a “lying witch in the wardrobe.” I guess you could say, it’s a phrase
that’s always been with me. Sooner or later, I’ll find a way to scare other small children with just that.

I shared the story with my fellow
Inklings
here at Oxford (the literary discussion group I frequent) and friend
J.R.R
. suggested turning such a short story into an elaborate tale of hidden worlds and beloved objects. I suggested that a missing
bra from my mother could not be the cause of adventure and conflict, and that’s when he suggested perhaps that I make it a
bracelet or ring of my mother’s that had gone missing—that which all creatures in this world were after. Nothing rang true,
it seemed, but it was a lively discussion nonetheless.

“
There’s a lying witch in the wardrobe…
”

Indeed. Indeed there is.

From:
http://www.b_f_skinner.com/skinner-blog/

Subject:
Experiment #45D (No Instructions Available)

CLICK ON THIS BUTTON TO READ AN ENTRY ON MY WEEKEND.

ARE YOU INTERESTED IN A SKINNER-BLOG T-SHIRT? CLICK THIS BUTTON AND YOU MAY VERY WELL BE REWARDED WITH ONE.

ARE YOU HUNGRY?