The Lost Blogs (36 page)

So I get on a robe and shorts and I’m following the cardinals downstairs, and yeah my stomach is rumbling and stuff (I had
like nothing to eat the night before, I totally spaced) and they gently urge me to walk into the courtyard and you… will
… not… believe… what was there.

The most raddest, most awesomest, most amazing thing ever. A brand-new car, with a huge red ribbon around it. The cardinals
hand me the keys. It was crazy!

I’m like, “
You guys got me a brand-new Pope Mobile!
” I’m shaking and stuff, running around this bulletproof beauty. I mean, this thing is sweet. And then one of the cardinals
leans in and he’s like, “
It’s a modified Range Rover, Holy Father
…”

Okay. If you could have seen my eyes right then you would have FREAKED OUT. A Range Rover? A Range Rover. So not only is this
baby bulletproof and I can stand up in this thing and wave to everyone and if someone shoots at me there’s no way that bullet’s
gonna touch my skin like last time… But it’s also a Range Rover. It’s like, too
cool. Functional, secure, and a pretty nice car. And you know what else? The Vatican pays for the insurance. And the gas.
I felt like I was on
The Price Is Right
—here I am, in my bathrobe staring at my brand-new ride.

So I get inside and start this baby up and I’m doing 360s around the courtyard there and the cardinals are lookin’ on and
stuff and I’m just peeling out. It was really the most awesome present ever, and I can’t wait to do some exploring in it later
today.

’Course, they keep wanting to call this thing the “Papal Limousine” but I put down my foot and told these guys it has to be
called the Pope Mobile. That’s just a sweet, hip name for it. None of this stuffy, Papal Limousine stuff. Pope Mobile.

Yeaaaah. You gotta love it!

From:
http://www.nixon.com/checkersblog/

My fellow Americans—my inbox has been overwhelmed with correspondence since last week’s appearance on national TV. Pat, Tricia,
Julie, and I are so thankful that you embraced our adorable little black and white spotted cocker spaniel dog—who we call
Checkers.

The above picture is me and Checkers just outside on the White House lawn. Checkers was absolutely tired after a day of fetch
and playing ball. If you’d like to see Checkers jumping up on his hind legs and walking on two feet, click
here
.

Little Jason Babsiewski (
[email protected]
) from Olympia, Washington, sent this amazing artistic re-creation of Checkers to me the other day. I think you’ll agree that
it’s quite a resemblance! Checkers looks just as regal and thoughtful as he does when he’s sitting next to me on the carpet
in the Oval Office.

Remember when I mentioned about the man in Texas who heard Pat on the radio when she said that our daughters would like to
have a dog? Well. I must tell you that the crate he sent Checkers in to us was well padded and comfortable for the little
guy. Here’s a picture of him at ten months old.

There are even
more pictures
for your viewing pleasure of Checkers eating, playing, sleeping and
chewing his favorite toy
.

I will say it again—no matter what people say, we are keeping Checkers. He is a wonderful new addition to the family and my
daughters would absolutely be heartbroken without him. Pat loves him too.

CHECKERS’S DAILY UPDATE:

Checkers went for three walks today with his official White House dog walker. He went pee three times, making sure to mark
his territory, then went poop once by the back veranda behind the Oval Office and on the hallway carpet in the family wing
of the White House. There was a moment when one of my aides had to grab a piece of you-know-what that was hanging by a single
strand of hair and Checkers was extremely confused. But he was calm, cool and collected and all ended up perfect in the end!
Good job, Checkers!

LINKS:

AKC Cocker Spaniel Information

My Cocker Spaniel, Toopsey
(Our friends’)

Cocker Spaniel Tips and Training

Cocker Spaniel Sweaters & Hoodies

My Doggy. Checkers—Essay by Tricia Nixon

From:
http://www.rembrandt.com/blog/

Subject:
My Stalker, Helmut, Returns…

Perhaps it may be time to refrain from publishing this blog.

Saskia and I moved into the Jodenbreestraat in the Jewish Quarter to get away from the chaos that had followed us previously.
You may recall the entry about
my fan, Helmut
, who sent me over 100 messages in one day in an attempt to gain my attention, as he was ‘my most dedicated and supportive
fan.’

You may also remember how I disregarded such messages as I was advised to, not knowing the seriousness of the situation and
preferring to leave well enough alone. When I found Helmut in our downstairs crawlspace under the stairs (where he had been
living for thirteen days without food or water) we decided the move (which we had
previously talked about doing
) was the smartest thing to do.

The last few days have been less than tranquil.

Even without listing our new address or contact information, Helmut has found us again. Three days ago Saskia and I awoke
to find Helmut sitting at the edge of our bed, dressed in a full coat of armor—looking exactly like a figure I painted in
The Blinding of Sampson
. Saskia and I stared blankly as he rattled off my entire body of work, asking questions as to why I used this color or what
the allegory of certain pieces related to or if he could live with us forever. I cautiously told Helmut that this harassment
must stop.

Helmet was noticeably upset, resulting in him ripping apart various portions of the room while Saskia slipped out to call
for help. Eventually, local authorities carted him away (again), resulting in another statement being given by yours truly.

It seems that we will have to stand against Helmut in a court, in an attempt to legally force him to stay away from our new
home. It seems Helmut was able to track our location from certain payment slips used by me to fund this online service.

Thus is the reason for my possible decision in removing this site from the public eye. I have had no luck getting any new
pieces done since this harassment has begun, and I choose to nip it as quickly as I can.

I will, however, keep you up to date on the current case against this man.

Questions or comments to
[email protected]
.

From:
http://www.ansel_adams.com/photoblog/

Subject:
School’s Out… Forever!

Mother and Father let me quit school last week.

The other thirteen-year-olds were so jealous that I don’t have to go anymore, that I can just learn what I want to learn at
home with my parents.
Frederick
says that if you don’t go to school you’ll never succeed in life, but I don’t care what he has to say about that. I never
liked going there, and whether or not it was because I was bored or because people made fun of the fact that I was color-blind
… Well, I don’t care!

Now I can concentrate on learning and practicing piano. Mother has arranged for my lessons to continue and my hope is that
I may someday be a well-regarded pianist who can travel the landscapes of the world—bringing music everywhere.

It is a little boring around the house with no one but adults to talk to.

I told mother that I wished there was something else I could do besides practice and study and she responded by giving me
a gift—a photographic camera. A camera. How can a color-blind person use a camera?

Mother said that I didn’t have to always tell people I was color-blind—it could be a secret among the close family. That people
didn’t have to know. That just because I couldn’t see colors didn’t mean that I couldn’t use a camera. I told her I wanted
to play piano instead and so she put away the camera and didn’t mention another thing about it.

In a few months, the family will be going to Yosemite National Park—we’re going camping! That helps to think about when I’m
sitting here at home trying to study and trying to practice. That will be so much fun.

From:
http://www.winston_churchill.co.uk/speech-blog/

Subject:
Never Give In… Never Give Up…

“
Never give in. Never give in. Never, never, never, never—in nothing, great or small, large or petty—never give in…
”

Do you know which soldier and journalist spoke those words? Do you know who wrote that speech? Would you be surprised to know
that it was ME? Sir Winston Churchill? Yes. It was ME. I wouldn’t kid with you. On my honor. These words are mine!

“
We shall fight on the beaches. We shall fight on the landing grounds. We shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we
shall fight in the hills. We shall never surrender!
”

Do you know which author and politician spoke those words and WROTE that speech? Would you be surprised that, once again,
such superior oratory skills can be directly linked to ME? Sir Winston Churchill? You’re saying to yourself right now, “I
can’t believe Sir Winston Churchill is so astute, intelligent, and inspiring!”

But I am.

Would you be surprised to know that you, too, can benefit from my well-respected, well-regarded, well-honed speechwriting
skills and know-how?

From weddings to funerals to college graduation ceremonies,
Churchill Speaks
is a new service I am launching today that will craft unique and personal prose for you, the not-so-good-at-writing-speeches
individual. And for a competitively low price, we will craft, perfect and deliver to you on note cards (included in the price)
the kind of speech people will be talking about for years after. Just read what some of our satisfied customers are already
saying:

Jimmy12
writes, “
My grandfather had just passed away and his last wish was that I speak at his funeral. I was terrified to stand up in front
of such a large group and had nothing to say. Thanks to Churchill Speaks, my speech about Granddad and never giving up and
never giving in, sure inspired the crowd—although some had no idea what my speech had to do with Granddad… But who cares!
It was an inspiring moment they’ll never forget!
”

Anonymous31
writes, “
I didn’t have time to study for my oral history report on the U.S. government’s Depiction of War to the Public in the First
World War, but thanks to Churchill Speaks I gave a rousing speech about fighting in the streets and in the fields and above
all… never surrendering! And although it didn’t even make sense, I still got an A thanks to Churchill’s amazingly well-written
words!
”

[email protected]
writes, “
After losing a local mayoral election, I needed a speech that could communicate the fact that I would be stepping down from
the post. Although the speech I got from Churchill Speaks was about not giving up or surrendering… I still felt pretty good
up there giving the speech to my, urn, wife
.”