Authors: Gracie Wilson
“Don’t, Alec. Go get Jake. He’s in the gym.” Alec doesn’t move. “ALEC! Go get Jake. She needs him.” I’ve never heard Keegan yell at my brother. I hear Alec take off and a few minutes later, Jake is next to me picking me up. I don’t remember much after that, but when I wake up, I’m in Jake’s bed with Jake beside me.
He doesn’t say anything. He’s looking to me to set the pace about the conversation that we are about to have.
“What do you know, Jakey?” He tells me Alec and Keegan told him that Dillon showed up and told me some facts about my relationship with Michael that I didn’t know. He knows that Dillon was on the road that night and Michael cheated on me with Dillon’s girlfriend. I decided to fill in the blanks that the boys didn’t hear. I tell him everything Dillon said to me. He just keeps shaking his head. “I don’t want to see Alec. I can’t even stomach to look at him. He’s supposed to be my brother and he’s lied to me.” I feel the tears start again and Jake pulls me to him.
“You can’t avoid him
forever, he’s your brother and he loves you. I don’t think they’re valid but I’m sure he has his reasons.” I pull back from Jake.
“You don’t lie about something like that to someone you love. I felt that I was responsible for Michael’s death because I thought he was drifting
, and I begged him to spend time with me. Now I know the truth. There was something between us and it was her. My brother has looked at me for over a year and kept this from me there is no forgiving this.” I pause and gather my thoughts about that Canada day party.
“That night Michael and I got in a fight.
He had a few drinks but nothing more than he could handle. He started telling me that he wasn’t going to Lakehead in the fall. He was going to go to Western and transfer the next year with me. He kept saying how it didn’t feel right to be there with Alec without me. I told him there was no way he was staying behind for me. He was already a year behind my brother because he chose to do another year of high school since he didn’t know what he wanted to take. He finally decided he wanted to take Law and had applied for it. He got accepted to Lakehead and Western. I told him that if he didn’t go to Lakehead then we were done. I wouldn’t stand in the way of his dream to go to Lakehead with Alec.”
I look to Jake, and he knows how hard it is for me to be telling him this. “We ended up yelling at each other and he called me a child. I told him maybe he shouldn’t be wasting his time on a child then. When he came around the next morning hung over and remorseful I figured it was because of our fight. He was so upset and was nearly crying. Michael just kept telling me he loved me and couldn’t lose me. Kept asking me to forgive him and stay with him. Told me he’d go to Lakehead if that’s what I really wanted. Now I know he was acting th
at way because he cheated on me. He knew I would never forgive him for that. So did my brother. I’ve never been with anyone Jake. Ya, I’ve slept in a bed with Keegan and you. But I’ve never had sex. I wasn’t ready and now I don’t know if I will ever be able to trust someone again because of Michael and Alec.”
I feel Jake stroking the side of my face. We’ve never talked about all this sexual stuff before and not so deeply about Michael. I instantly feel guilty I’ve been keeping something from Jake. I won’t be a hypocrite like them. “
Jakey, I have something to tell you and you have to promise you will understand and love me anyway.”
He pauses and looks at me. “Beckers
, there’s nothing you can do to make me not love you. You’re my best friend. Whatever it is we will handle it together.” I relax and hope this is true.
“I hope so. I can’t lose you too.”
Jake’s finger is on my lips, shushing me. “That’s never going to happen. You will always have me.” What did I do to deserve Jake in my life? I take a deep breath.
“Dillon contacted me a few days ago and told me he had something to tell me and hoped to see me soon.” There I said it.
“Oh Beckers, I wish you told me instead of keeping it to yourself. I understand you thought if you didn’t say anything, it wasn’t really happening.”
I nod my head and tell him how he sent it to my school email. He tells me we will contact IT and put
a block up, so it won’t happen again. He makes me promise to tell him if Dillon ever contacts me again. I do and I will. Jake wouldn’t tell anyone if he thought I was safe. He wouldn’t go off and attack him like my brother or Keegan. Oh Keegan. I need to see him, but how. I can’t see Alec. I need to know if my brother told Keegan, if he did, I will never talk to either of them again. I look at the time. It’s dinner time.
“Jake, can you do me a favour? Can you call Keegan and tell him I need to spend some time in solitude?” He looks confused.
“You want me to call Keegan and tell him you want solitude from him.” I shake my head.
“
No, he will get it. If he doesn’t, then he doesn’t get me.” I get up to leave, and he asks me if I’m okay. I just shake my head, and he asks me if I’ll be back tonight.
“Miss our cuddle sessions? Never.” I bend up and kiss his che
ek and walk out of his room leaving him completely confused. Let’s just hope Keegan isn’t.
Chapter 10
I’ve been here for over thirty minutes, and it’s dark. Maybe this wasn’t a good idea. I went right to my room, got changed and ran here. Maybe it wasn’t obvious enough. I am sitting atop the rock formation. Lucky for me, I brought my winter coat. Just as I’m about to give up and head home, I hear someone coming up the path. When I see Keegan step through the brush I let go of the breath I didn’t know I was holding onto. He figured it out.
“Keegan, you came?” He came up right beside me and climbs up to sit next to me.
“Of course I did. I was surprised when you had Jake call me about solitude. I asked if he was sure that’s exactly what you said. He said it was. He’d asked you and you said I’d know.” I sigh. He did know me. The question still out there is what does any of this mean. Am I ready to take a chance at heartbreak now?
“Keegan, I need to ask you something and I need the truth.” He nods, so I continue. “Did you know about Michael? Was I this big idiot and everyone else knew but me?” He looks stunned.
“Becca, no I had no idea that he had cheated on you or that Alec knew and did nothing. I’m not going to defend him. I laid into him pretty good after you left. He knew if he told me I wouldn’t keep it from you. That’s what took me so long. I had to ditch your brother. He figured I’d be going to find you.” I nod.
“Keegan, have you ever cheated?” I know he will tell me the
truth, I just don’t know if it’s a truth I want to know. He shakes his head.
“I’ve never had a girlfriend before, sure I’ve seen girls but it was never serious or exclusive. So no, Becca, I would never do that, especially to you. Hurting you is like stabbing myself. I would never intentionally cause you pain, babe.” I lean into him. I needed to hear that he was different. I know he is but to have him say it makes all the difference.
“Keegan, I’m not ready for sex. I’m not ready to be with anyone, that being said, it doesn’t mean I don’t have deep feelings for you. I want to be with you. I’m just not ready. With everything I just found out if I jump into this with you things will just end badly. I don’t want that for us.” I see him grin.
“Becca, I told you I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be here as long as it takes. I want to tell you so much about how I feel but it’s not the time. You need to process and deal with all of this before I overwhelm you.”
At that moment, I lean up and kiss him. I don’t know why I did it, but I felt like it was right. He’s gentle and sweet not trying to deepen the kiss but following my lead. I pull back putting my forehead against his.
“It’s getting cold Becca. Let me walk you back to Jake’s,” he says, but there is no sarcasm or accusation. He actually seems okay with it.
We arrive at the dorm. I turn to say bye, but he just keeps walking up to the dorm. We stop right outside Jake’s door.
“Becca, thank you for giving me a second chance. I know you’re not ready yet and have so much to work out but thank you.” I just stand there. I feel so awkward. He knows that I’m going to sleep in Jake’s room. I could sleep with Keegan but with everything that happened with Dillon I don’t need anything romantic. “Becca, I know why you stay with Jake. I will admit I don’t like it. I want it to be me, babe, but I understand that right now’s just not our time to do that. Goodnight.” He bends down kisses my cheek and walks away.
I walk into Jake’s room, and he’s sitting there with a big grin on his face. “What is that face for Jake?”
I take off my jacket and gloves and walk over to him. I tell him all about solitude. You can see it in his face. He gets why my message to Keegan about it made Keegan happy. “I wasn’t sure how he was going to feel with you coming back here. But I heard him and I have to say Key handled that really well.”
I just can’t hold it in. I burst out laughing, and this causes Jake to laugh as well. Jake’s phone goes off, and he stops laughing, causing me to do the same.
“What’s wrong Jake?”
He gets up and grabs his backpack and throws some clothes in it. “Becca, unless you want to see your brother grab a change of clothes from your room and let’s go. That was Keegan your brother’s on his way over.”
I just up and run out the door to my room. I know I will have to see
Alec, but right now I’m likely to kill him then talk to him. Jake follows me in and takes the clothes from my arms, shoving them in his bag. He grabs my hand and just like that we are down the hall and out the door never looking back.
We have been driving for about twenty five minutes, and I see a sign that reads Kakabeka Falls. I never thought to ask where we were going. I’m with Jake, and he just let me be in my own head.
“Jake, where are we going?” I see that both our phones are in the cup holders flashing, but I don’t check mine. I know Alec’s in a panic.
“My grandma has a cottage around here.
I figured it would be better to get out of dodge while you figure out what you want to say to Alec. You can’t avoid him forever but I’ll help you for now.”
Jake pulls in and it really is just a small cottage out here. We get out, and he opens the door. It’s stuffy in here. He tells me he hasn’t used it all summer, and his grandma doesn’t use it very often. He goes back outside and grabs some wood for a fire. I hear my phone buzzing away on the table. I grab it. I have missed calls from Alec, Keegan and my mom. My mom, why is she calling me? Oh no I hope he didn’t call her, the last thing I need is my mom involved. I have voicemails from all three of them. I skip all but my moms. ‘Sweetie, it’s mom. Your brother called and he’s upset. Please call me. I just want to know you’re okay.’
I dial her number and she picks up right away. “Are you okay? Alec called and told me that Dillon showed up and told you what he did. Your brother’s worried about you.”
He’s worried well too bad. He let me find out the way he did. “Mom, I’m fine. I just wasn’t ready to see him. He lied to me and I didn’t want to say things out of anger.” Or kill him, I say to myself. “I will talk to him when I’m ready. Did you know,
Mom?” If she knew and didn’t tell me, I will never talk to any of them again.
“
No, of course not. I told your brother you have every right to be angry. He shouldn’t have lied to you.” I feel better knowing that my mom wasn’t in on this secret.
“I’m fine
, Mom. I’m with Jake and I will talk to Alec soon but I just need time. I’ll let him know I’m okay but I’m tired. I just want to sleep.”
She’s silent for a bit. “
Okay, well call me. I know midterms are approaching but call me to check in. Love you.” She hangs up, and I decide to send Alec a text.
Alec, I
’m fine. I spoke with Mom and have told her this as well. I don’t want to see you right now. I just can’t look at you. You saw how hurt I was when I found Keegan with Sarah and we weren’t even together. You lied to me. I need space. Respect that and just leave me alone. I will find you when I’m ready to talk.
I send one to Keegan too, telling him I’m
fine, but am staying off campus. I say that I will message him when I return to campus. He sends one back saying he’s glad I’m okay.
Jake has the fire going and is lounging on the loveseat. I go sit next to him, and he immediately puts his arm around me. I break out in tears. I’m sobbing for the loss of Michael. What Michael did to me, and the realization that I might not get over what Alec’s done.
The next morning my eyes were puffy and red from all my crying. Jake being who he is just held me and said nothing. He’s not being quiet today. He tells me I just have to have it out with my brother. I hate confrontation, especially with Alec. I tell him I’m not ready, but I will be speaking to him and soon. This can’t keep going on where I find things out after the fact. If I were to become serious with Keegan would he do this again and protect his friend over his sister. The thought of Keegan with anyone makes my blood boil, but I’m nowhere near ready to trust again. I can’t even trust my own brother.
“Beckers, I love you and I will always be here.” It’s like he read my mind.
“Why do you have to be so perfect, Jake?” I wish I could be in love with Jake. Maybe I could be. I’ve read books and heard stories of love growing over time. Friend’s becoming a couple down the line. But with Jake, it just doesn’t seem to be heading that way. We sit all day by the fire and just talk about everything from books to our travels. I tell Jake that I want to head back tomorrow, and he agrees. We can’t stay in our bubble forever.