The Life and Afterlife of Charlie Brackwood (The Brackwood Series Book 1) (7 page)

Chapter Seven

In the two years that followed the split from Georgina, in order to make my life less complicated I made sure that I remained single I threw myself in to the family business but my thoughts would often stray to my favourite subject.  Lucy.  She brought me a happiness that nothing else could live up to.  Just relaxing in her presence was Heaven to me.

Yet I was young and confused.  I had grown up with Lucy and had likened her to a sister for years.  If I put her out of my mind, would my feelings for her subside and eventually disappear?  I had no way of knowing how Lucy felt about me.  Did she think of me as just a friend?  Did she see me as a big brother figure?  Was she kept awake at night by thoughts of a future with me?  I didn't know. 

In my befuddled and vulnerable state I decided it was best for all concerned if I stayed quiet.  There was also the issue of Russ and the obvious fact that he too had feelings for our childhood friend.

Suddenly, my blissful life with my two best buddies had become confusing and complicated, and that gave me an uneasy feeling.  Russ and Lucy were all I’d ever known.  They were fixed in my childhood memories like flies in amber.  Preserved forever.  Perfect and immortal.

The summer Russ turned twenty we decided we’d celebrate with a few beers and our fishing rods down by the river.  After we’d picked the perfect pitch for our tent we eagerly set up our rods, sat back in our chairs, and took in the familiar countryside around us.

The swishing sounds of our lines as we cast off and the soft plops as the weights hit the water were cheerful. I found myself relaxing for the first time in weeks.  Russ offered me a beer before leaning back in his chair with a sigh.  He glanced at me with a puzzled expression on his face.

“So, what’s going on with you?  Found a nice girl yet?” he asked.

“Took a few out for drinks,” I mumbled, “but they were nothing special.”

“Jesus, who is it you’re looking for?”

My thoughts turned to Lucy and I had the sudden urge to confide in Russ about my feelings for her.  Would he understand or would it push him further towards her himself?  I pushed the thought out of my mind, knowing that nothing good could come of it.  I struggled with my answer and eventually opted for a change of subject.

“I think you might have caught something,” I said, nodding at his line which was wiggling and jerking around. 

Russ immediately jumped out of his chair and began to reel in his catch gently.  He turned and grinned at me as his anticipation of the first fish of the day increased.  He was a competitive fisherman who always had to get one over on the opposition.  However, he was also a sore loser and this could often make spending time with him wearing.

As his reeling grew faster his expression became more hopeful.

“I think we’ll be eating well tonight, judging by the weight of this beast,” he exclaimed excitedly.

“Be careful,” I said, laughing, “you might lose it and then we’ll go hungry.”

“Nearly there,” he said, ignoring my comment.

I watched as a black object emerged from the water and proceeded to dangle off the hook.  Russ groaned and I laughed at the inedible catch he had reeled in.

“A shoe?  There’s some crap that turns up in this river.” He detached the shoe from the hook and threw it down on the bank.

“I guess we’ll go hungry tonight after all,” I said as my laughter died away.

“We’ll catch something eventually, even if we have to stay here all night,” Russ said as he cast out again, determination glinting in his eyes.

“Why not?  We’ve done it before,” I said, referring to a fishing trip we took when we were fourteen.  We got no sleep the first night as Russ insisted on fishing until we caught something.  We didn’t get one single bite and the growling of our hungry stomachs echoed off the surroundings hills, causing us both to fall into fits of laughter. 

“Good news on Lucy’s A-level results, I hear?” Russ glanced at me.

“Yeah.” I nodded. “She’s a smart girl.”

“That she is,” said Russ, staring straight ahead. The orange hues of the setting sun highlighted a few blond strands in his carefully styled hair.

“Not long now before she leaves this place... on to bigger and better things.” There was a note of sadness in his voice, I couldn’t help but notice.

“I thought she was going to a local uni and living at home?”

“She didn’t tell you?  She’s changed her plans.”

“Where is she studying then?” There was a note of panic in my voice that I found difficult to conceal.

“Bath.”

“Bath?  That’s hundreds of miles away.”

“I know.” Russ continued to stare straight ahead.

I had difficulty processing the information.  In just a few weeks Lucy would be gone and her absence would drain the sunshine from my world.  The thought left me feeling lonely and uneasy.  How could I protect her with so much distance between us, and why hadn’t she told me about her change of plan?

“Why go so far away?” I asked.

Russ shrugged. “Better course?  Better facilities?  More freedom?  Who knows?”

“You don’t think it’s weird?”

“No, I think it’ll be good for her.  More independence, a chance to meet new people... she’ll have a great time.  I wish I were going,” he muttered.

“You’re not worried then?”

“No, and neither should you be.” He turned to look at me. “What’s wrong?  Scared you’ll be replaced?” he asked, punching my arm.

I laughed off his accusations but Russ had hit the nail right on the proverbial head.  My biggest fear was of being forgotten.  Would I fade into the background of Lucy’s new, more exciting life?  There was no way of knowing and my questions would remain unanswered. 

She had chosen to study Conservation Science at Bath University.  This information did not surprise me. A career in conservation was a good fit for her and I was glad she had chosen something she had such a passion for.  She cared so deeply for nature and wildlife that I couldn't imagine her wanting to do anything else. 

She understood a career in conservation would never be particularly well paid and she knew that she would almost certainly never be rich, but she also knew that above all else she wanted a job that was so rewarding she wouldn't feel quite herself when she was away from it. 

She wanted a job that was not just a career or a way to pay the bills, but something that was a huge part of her and made her a better person.  She once told me, years later, that she knew she loved her job because she often found herself skipping through the forest or just simply standing still, gazing up at the swaying pine trees.  There aren't many people who stop in wonderment to stare around them in their workplace.

Lucy's journey to independence started in Bath, Somerset, two hundred and fifty miles away from her safety net of Yorkshire.  She would spend three years there, soaking up new information like rays of sunshine.  Bath University held so much promise for Lucy, but the days before her important journey began were fraught with anxiety.

To my relief she came to see me the night before she was due to leave.  It was a late-September evening and I was checking on the flock one last time until the next morning.  A fog had slowly crept in, surrounding the village in a thick, cloud-like substance, and with it came a sharp chill.  I had already begun to wear my quilted, waterproof jacket on my nightly checks.  It offered some protection against the cold air.          

The whole village was braced for the rainy season that is autumn in the stormy north of England.  Hence the reason some of the older villagers had taken to carrying an umbrella with them wherever they went, and why I was wearing a dashing pair of wellies that day.

The fog acted like a shield.  I could barely see a few feet in front of me.  This made it very hard for me to make out the flock.  I had just completed a lap of the field when I saw a silhouette coming towards me.  I couldn't make out their face but I knew instantly who my visitor was by the way they moved. 

Lucy was wearing jeans and a long, chunky jumper that dipped away slightly at the left shoulder to reveal her collarbone and soft, flawless skin.  The sleeves of the jumper were pulled down over her hands, a substitute for gloves.  Her hair was left free, and soft spirals fell around her face and shoulders.  She was makeup-free and her cheeks had turned pink with the cold.  Her appearance was fresh-faced and vital, but also innocent and vulnerable.  There were a few freckles lightly spattered across her small, perfect nose, a subtle suggestion that summer had visited the village.  I knew those freckles well enough to realise that they would be long gone by winter.

"Looks like you have the same taste in footwear as I do, Luce," I said, looking down at her pink and purple wellies in a bid to avoid eye contact.  She followed my gaze and giggled as she stopped a few feet away from me.

"Well, you know us country folks, we love our waterproofs,” she said light-heartedly. “At least your choice of colour is more manly.”

I smiled at her.  A genuine smile, full of fondness and admiration.

"What can I do for you?" I asked, looking straight in to her stormy green eyes.

"Well... I just... I came... I mean…" She took a deep breath and clenched her fists as she stared up into the sky in exasperation and tried again.

"This is my last night in the village and it felt wrong to leave for Bath without saying goodbye to you. I mean, obviously I'll be back for half-terms and holidays and such, but I wanted to say... ’bye’.” 

The word caused my gut to churn and I looked away from the sadness in her eyes. Goodbyes were always a problem for me.

I knew Lucy well enough to realise that she would be feeling vulnerable and apprehensive about the next three years in Bath.  I also realised why she had come to see me: she was looking for kind words and encouragement from her oldest friend.  Her eyes were pools of sadness as she patiently awaited a response from me.

"Come on, let's go and sit under old oaky for a little while and talk," I suggested. 

Old oaky was a huge oak tree that stood in the middle of the field.  As it was owned by my parents we used to climb it in the summer when we were kids.  Russ actually broke his arm falling out of it when he was ten.

We walked to old oaky in silence.  I glanced at Lucy and saw her taking in the landscape, perhaps trying to memorise it one last time, with the intention of pulling it out during bouts of homesickness.  She looked lost and mournful, and I found myself selfishly hoping she would change her mind about Bath and attend a local university instead.

In spite of the cold breeze I pulled my quilted jacket off and laid it on the ground underneath the tree for her to sit on.  I tried to sound enthusiastic and thrilled about her bright future. 

"So, exciting times are ahead for you. How are you feeling about it all?" I asked, staring out over the fog-shrouded landscape and avoiding eye contact at all costs. 

"I'm feeling nervous," Lucy admitted, staring straight ahead.

"Don't be.  What are you nervous about?"

"I know it's stupid but..."

"But what, Luce?"

"But sometimes I find myself worrying about what the other students will think of me.  Whether I'll fit in or not.  Suppose I feel like a complete outsider?" 

I wondered what had triggered this fresh bout of insecurity.  I looked at Lucy for the first time since she’d started talking. There were lines on her forehead, a clear sign of troubled thoughts.

"Are you kidding me?” I said.  “Luce, they will love you. And if they don't, you just make sure you point them in my direction." I was trying to make light of the situation. 

On a normal day she would have giggled at this, maybe given me a friendly shove, but today she looked anxious.  I nudged her with my shoulder.

"Come on, Luce, try not to fret about it.  What makes you think these people will be unfriendly towards you?"

I watched her while she gathered her thoughts. 

"Sometimes I think there must be something about me that people don't like.  I've never really had any female friends, not since I was really small anyway.  I will be living so far away from my family, so far away from you.  I don't want to end up isolated and alone, hating every second of university life and regretting my decision to spread my wings.  I'm afraid I'll despise myself for wanting to find out what else was out there other than village gossip.”  She stopped talking then, consumed by her own thoughts. She resumed, “Maybe I'm just destined to live amongst the gossip where I feel most at home.  Maybe I’m making a huge mistake, moving so far away." 

I was horribly tempted then to ask her to stay, and felt ashamed.  I battled with the thought of telling her how I felt about her.  Imagined asking her to stay.  An irrational fear of never seeing her again made me feel nauseous.  All I wanted was to be close to her but two hundred and fifty miles was one hell of an obstacle.

I remained quiet, my emotions at war.  I felt torn. One side of me knew that Lucy's and my future could be changed for ever with a few convincing words from me.  The other side wanted her to experience the best education she could possibly receive and, on top of that, an unforgettable life experience.