“Are you hungry?” I ask, before turning on the ignition.
“I’m starving.”
I smile. “Good. What are you in the mood for?”
“You want to know what I’m
really
in the mood for?” She wiggles her brows, a grin widening.
“What?” I ask. I pull out of the parking lot and into the streets of LA. It’s past three and traffic is beginning to build.
“A big, fat juicy cheesesteak.” She moans.
I laugh. “You know how I feel about cheesesteaks that are not from Philly. If it ain’t from Philly, then it ain’t right.”
“I know.” She pouts. “That’s so true. But at least I’ll be in Philly this week.”
“Oh yeah, for what?”
“Thanksgiving!” She laughs at how I can easily forget the holiday. “I leave the day after tomorrow. I plan to stay there for two days. Where will you be?” she asks.
My brows press together. I guess I haven’t thought about where I’d be spending my holidays this year. “Home. I guess,” I respond, merging onto the highway. “I think my uncle and aunt invited me to their place, but I was just gonna stay home.”
“You can’t be home alone for Thanksgiving, Julian. I refuse. You have no choice but to come with Viv and me. You can stay at Mom’s with us. She would love you there.”
“I don’t know. Wouldn’t it be weird?”
“No it wouldn’t. You’re family, and you know you can’t resist mami’s homemade cooking. Come on, how can you say no to that?” She continues to dig as she pulls out her phone and swipes at the screen.
“I’ll think about it.”
Her thumbs continue to punch at her screen fiercely. I’m curious what has taken up her attention so quickly. If I wasn’t driving I’d take a peek over, but before I can try she stops, shoves her phone into her purse and tilts her head my way. “It’s done.”
I look over. “What’s done?”
“I used my miles to book you a round trip to Philly and back. On the same flight as me too, which was a relief since there were only two seats left. It’s meant to be. You’ll be spending Thanksgiving with us. Oh, and we can stop by your uncle’s and aunt’s as well.” She smiles.
I love her.
“Okay, then. I guess it’s settled.”
She nods, a triumphant grin on her face like she’s done her job well. “Okay, I know what I want to do,” Natalia finally states.
“What?” Faith clouds my mind. This is good. Natalia and I spending the holidays together. I shouldn’t get my hopes too high, as I’m still not sure where our relationship is going.
“Let’s just grab lots of junk food, order pizza and watch movies all night at the house. How does that sound?”
Like a fucking dream come true. “Sounds good to me.”
We walk into to the nearest supermarket by the house. I grab a basket by the entrance and Natalia does as well. “You think we’ll need two?” I ask.
She hooks her arm around my bicep. Her face lightens up, her exhaustion taken over by excitement. “You have no idea how happy I am to pig out and just relax tonight. It will be the best day in so long.”
Her excitement is contagious. She’s right, this will be the best day in a long time, but for me it’s not about junk food and a movie. It’s because I get to spend the day with her. I take in her every movement. The way she leans into me. It’s like how it was. Exclusive, together. My mind races with uncertainty. What does this all mean? Is this her way of trying to give us another a shot and see how it goes?
I tuck away all those thoughts and just enjoy this moment with her. We enter the junk aisle and she lights up like a child at Christmas.
“You have been deprived.”
She looks at me, her eyes cross in a goofy manner. “You have
no
idea.”
I laugh, pull away from her and extend the basket in my hand. “Go wild. Everything and anything you can think of. As long as it fits in the basket.”
She squeals. “This is why I thought two baskets would be best.”
You would think once I told her to go wild, she’d rush up and down the aisle sticking everything into the basket. But she doesn’t, instead she looks at each item, cautiously trying to make the best decision as she picks up each box or bag. She grabs a pack of double stuff Oreo’s and places it into my basket. “Good choice,” I encourage.
“I thought so. We’ll need milk. Do we have some at home?” The fact she said “we” and “at home” and not “you” and “your home” just made this moment even better. It’s like the feeling of whip cream on top of a third scoop of ice cream. “No, we’ll need to get some.”
She nods, then moves on to the aisle. Before we grab the milk, our baskets are filled with Doritos, Gummy worms, Skittles, chocolate-covered peanuts, Chips Ahoy and so much more. There is no way we’ll be able to finish even half of this stuff, but Natalia says it’s just so we’ll have options. We get everything we need from the market, even vanilla bean ice cream and root beer to make root-beer floats.
Natalia steps out of the car after I pull into the driveway. She closes the door and stands there as she stares at our home for a moment. She hasn’t been here in a long time. I wonder what thoughts are running through that pretty head of hers. With my hand filled with bags, I make my way around the car and meet her. I take my free hand and intertwine my fingers with hers. She relaxes within my touch and I make her follow me as I guide us toward the entrance.
We enter the house and for the first time in forever it feels different. I don’t know exactly what the feeling actually is. It just feels right. The house we purchased together three years ago still remains the same. I didn’t change a thing since she’s left. Even the clothes she left behind still remain in our joint walk-in closet.
She follows closely behind me as I navigate toward the kitchen and place all of the bags on the island. “Everything okay?” I ask as I watch her. Natalia’s eyes slowly trace past the kitchen cabinets, over the granite counter tops and toward the breakfast nook that has a round table, six chairs surrounding it.
“Yes.” She brings her attention back to me. “I’m going to grab some trays and create a buffet of treats.” She smiles, pushing the sleeves of her cardigan up to her elbows. “How ‘bout you call in for the pizza?”
“Sounds good,” I respond. Natalia makes herself busy around the kitchen, and I pull out my cell to order a large pie.
I nestle into the stool by the island and grab a shopping bag. I help Natalia remove the items we just purchased and place them on the counter. “This is a lot of crap. My mom would tell me this will upset my stomach.”
“It will, but it’s so worth it.” She says this as she rips open the Oreos, wasting no time and popping a cookie into her mouth.
“Touché.” I watch as she creates a small display of all the treats we bought. She pours the Doritos in a bowl, and scuffs down a few.
“What?” she asks with a mouth full of cheddar chips.
I stifle a laugh. “Nothing.”
“Listen, I barely get to eat this way. Can you imagine me pregnant? I’d be three times my size.” She shakes her head.
My eyes trace from her face to her belly, where a baby would be if she was pregnant. And I can honestly envision it. For the first time in twelve years, I can picture Natalia pregnant and beautiful. “I think you would be sexy pregnant.”
She raises a brow. “Even though I’ll be the size of a planet?” She exaggerates.
“You will not be the size of a planet.” She shrugs and continues to munch on the chips. “So the pizza will be here in forty minutes. What do you want to do until then? Want to pick a movie?”
She wrinkles her nose, her eyes look aside as she thinks. It’s a cute expression and each minute we spend with each other I’m falling more and more in love with my wife. “Can I look around? I haven’t been here in a long time. I’d like to see the house.”
“Sure, but don’t be too disappointed. It’s exactly the same.” I stand from the stool and follow behind her as she swirls through the house.
“What, no major decor changes?” She jokes as she enters the large family room. “Yeah, I can see you didn’t change a thing.” She laughs, then walks past the dining area.
“I’m not an interior design kind of guy. I left that stuff all up to you.” Natalia always made the changes when it came to the house. The only room I
designed
was the man cave and movie theater room on the lower level of the home.
Natalia continues her way through the house until she reaches the staircase. She looks over her shoulder and smiles. “I’ll race you up the stairs.”
Before I agree, I brush past her and skip every-other stair until I am at the top. “Omigod! You’re such a cheater!” She giggles as she runs up behind me.
“You should be on your game next time.”
She shoves my shoulder, a laugh escaping her as she tries to catch her breath. “Phew. I forgot how much work those stairs were.”
Natalia walks down the hall, poking her head into each room as we pass them. Then she reaches the master bedroom and pushes open the double French doors that lead into our room. She roams in, encircling the space as her mind wanders. “You really didn’t change anything,” she states.
“No,” I confirm. “I wanted to leave it as you left it.”
She makes her way to the nightstand. The one that was settled on her side of the bed, and picks up a frame that contains a photo of us on our wedding day. “We were so young,” she says, taking a moment to admire the photo.
“Yeah. Who was it again that said we wouldn’t last a year?”
“Uncle Bobby,” she reminds me.
“That’s right. Fucking bastard.”
She places the frame back down. “At least we lasted nine years.” She shrugs. And the way she says it shoots a hole in my chest.
“I guess we beat the odds.”
Natalia glances at me, her eyes only remain locked with mine for a second as she trails off toward the walk-in closet. “Beating the odds would mean we were still together.”
I bow my head, allowing her words to sink in. I let out a deep breath, and then go into the closet where she is. I lean against the entryway. My stare follows her every move. Her fingers touch the fabric of her clothes that still hang on her side. “I’m surprised you didn’t burn my stuff.”
“Why would I? You didn’t do anything wrong.”
She turns around, her arms cross over her chest. “I don’t know. I guess since you were angry with me for avoiding you. For leaving you.”
“Natalia, I was angry, yes, but not as angry as I am with myself.
I’m
the reason we’re in this situation now.”
She looks down, the tip of her shoe traces small circles on the hardwood floor. She drops her arms and brings them behind her back. “For the past couple of years, I blamed myself for everything. I questioned if I was a good enough wife for you. That maybe if I tried harder things could be different. I felt us
slipping
, Julian.” She looks up, her eyes looking into mine. “I felt us
suffocating
. It felt like I was standing in the middle of a ring with millions of eyes on us, and I’m screaming at the top of my lungs,
begging
for help. For someone to save our marriage. But no one could hear me, not even you.”
I swallow, my throat drying as I hear her confession. “I didn’t realize you were suffering so much.”
“That’s the thing. I should have said something sooner. I allowed the years to go by and I lost my voice somewhere along the way. I saw
you
falling with the drugs, the drinking, and the partying. I held back because I just wanted you to be happy, but in the end I began to resent you. Which is why I became mean and you became mean. It was like the love we had for each other quickly turned to hate.” She shrugs. “I just assumed you should have known better. And I guess, I wanted you to pick up on the clues without me saying anything, but you never did. I just wanted us to move on and sweep everything under the rug.”
“I’m sorry.” I step in, making my way toward her.
She raises an arm, stopping me in my tracks. “No, I don’t want you to apologize. What I’m trying to say is that it’s not all your fault. Half of it is mine. It takes two in a relationship, and over the past few months I had time to think, truly think it over. I could have done better.”
I enclose the space between us. My hands tangle in her hair as I lift her head back, forcing her to look at me. “Natalia, you were better. You were . . .
are
the best wife any man could ever ask for.
I
fucked it up.
I
screwed up our relationship. It was all
me
, and I regret every part of it.”
Tears begin to run down her cheeks. I lean down, pressing my forehead against hers, and lower my tone to almost a whisper. “I’ve learned a lot over the past few months, and one of the things that’s played a major part in my thoughts is you.” I breathe out a gentle smile. “I wish we were teens again. I wish I never broke your heart. I wish we could spend the rest of our lives together and get past this hump. I wish you could allow me to show you what a true marriage can be. I want to show you the better part of me.”
She sniffles. “I want that too.
God
.” She exhales a cry. “You have no idea how dead inside I felt in the last few months. I had so many people surrounding me, but I still felt empty and alone. I wanted to enjoy the rise in my career, but it wasn’t the same without you to celebrate it with.”
“Then let’s not torture ourselves anymore, Natalia.” I press my mouth against the softness of her lips. I pull away, our faces centimeters apart, my hands framing her face. “Let’s give this another shot.”
Her features turn distorted, and her stare is guarded. “I’m scared you’ll break me again, Julian.” Her words barely a whisper.
And her confession tears down every part of me. I pull her in closer, “Natalia. I
promise
you now and forever I will
never
break your heart again.”
“How can you be so certain?” she argues.
“Because no matter how much time passes, our love will always remain. It’s the one thing that is constant and real in our lives. And it may hurt, because dammit, Natalia it will hurt sometimes, but it’s what makes
us
. It’s a part of you and me, and there’s no dragged out separation in the world that can change any of that.” I take in a deep breath, my hands still hold her face. Her arms wrap around my waist and she pulls me in.