I chuckle. “I know what you mean. Today’s my last cheat day before I go on a strict diet for the Merit fight.”
She wipes her lips with a napkin. “Are you nervous for the Merit fight?” I shake my head. “Of course you’re not. I admire you for that, how you’re never afraid or nervous to take anything on.”
I’m nervous of losing you.
“Are you stuffed yet?” I ask her. I dig into my pocket and pull out a king-size Skittles bag.
Her face beams like a child. She reaches for the Skittles, rips it open and pours half the bag into her hand. As always, she takes out the cherry flavored for herself and hands me the rest. “You are very bad for my diet today,” she states, chewing on her favorite candy.
Natalia leans back into the bleachers and admires the view. Her stare sweeps across the football field, a tiny grin tugs at her lips. “Remember how we used to make out under the bleachers during gym class? God, how about when Coach Carter caught us that one time!” She bursts out into a hoot, her laughter echoing throughout the field.
“Yeah, you told him I was helping you inspect cavities.” I raise a brow.
Her face turns beet red. “I was embarrassed, what else could I have said?”
Shaking my head, I scoot closer to her. “Those were the good times. When we were young and free and no worries in the world, well some worries.” I rephrase, because I did have worries as a teen due to my mother’s sickness.
“Yeah, I wish it can be like it was. Now we’re just so . . .” She looks at me trying to find the right word.
“Lost?”
“Mean.”
Scrunching my brows, I tilt my head. “Mean? Why mean?”
“We
are
mean toward each other. It’s like, before our love was our happy place, somewhere we’d go to when other’s put us down or when we needed comforting. We were each other’s safe haven.” She quiets, then continues. “Now? It’s like we put each other down, we’re constantly fighting, and if I’m stressed I take it out on you, if you’re stressed you take it out on me. Things are so different.”
“It happens, I’m sure we’re not the only married couple that happens to. We grow, we change, we learn, we make mistakes, and then we fix them.”
“I don’t know. Before we used to make love all night, now we barely kiss. Do you know the last we kissed, Julian?”
I shake my head, not sure where she’s getting at here. “Natalia, I was in rehab for two months. I don’t know.” I toss a hand in the air, giving it my best guess. “Maybe before I left, so over two months ago. When I came back, you told me you wanted to end things.”
Her eyes sadden. “The last time you kissed me, and I mean truly, deeply and passionately kissed me was five months ago. For our New Year’s Eve party. I remember crying that night, because I really thought the New Year would bring us together, that I could put everything behind me and it was going to be different this year. It wasn’t. And before that, I don’t even remember when you kissed me.”
Natalia rips her eyes away and focuses straight ahead. “I love you, I do, and I know things will never be like it was when first met, but shouldn’t it be better?” she says. “We have been together long enough to be able to recognize when the other is unhappy. It’s like we feed off the negativity. We’re supposed to lift each other up. I thought we were supposed to be each other’s cheerleaders.” She moves her head from side to side, her shoulders shrugging as she tosses a hand in the air. “I don’t know if any of this even makes sense. I’m trying to explain it so it’s easy for you to understand, but I guess there’s really no easy way to explain it all.”
Tonight was going good. I’ll give anything to keep it the way it was going. I can’t have her go left field. We need to stay focus. “Natalia, there is seriously no such thing as a flawless marriage. Yes, you are going to say and do things to piss me off and yes, there will be times when I say or do something to piss you off. I know I haven’t been there, but I’m going to try and do better. Okay?”
I stretch my arm, placing a finger under her chin and tilting her head. I look into her beautiful eyes. “Okay?” I repeat.
She presses her lips together. “How can I be sure you will this time?”
I contemplate my next words. “Because I’m trying to make things right in all aspects of my life.” Her features scrunch in confusion. “I visited Alfredo today,” I confess.
Eyes widening, her mouth opens. “What? You just went there without warning him, you just showed up?”
“Yeah.”
“What happened? What made you see him?”
“I wanted to see if he’ll start training me again, and he is.”
“Here? In Philly?”
I nod as I drop my hand from her face.
She shakes her head. “Wait, I’m confused. For as long as I’ve known you, you’re always the stubborn one. You expect me to believe you just went in there, apologized and he accepted it, and he’s now going to train you again?”
“Yes, I’m trying to learn how to be the bigger person. He’s my uncle, he’s family. I feel like I’m losing everyone and I need to make things right again.”
Her chest expands as air escapes her lungs. Her features turn broken. “Do you mean that?”
“I do. I do with everything in me. I’m done with hurting everyone I love. I’m ready to go back to how it was. The way we were, I just want us to be happy.”
“What if we can’t be happy again? What if what we have is already destroyed and there’s no going back?”
I scoot closer into her, my hand finding the side of her face and I pull her in to me. “Don’t say that. Don’t you still love me?”
“Of course I do, Julian. You
know
I do. There are some days where I truly feel I don’t think I can live my life without you in it. I had so many plans for our future. I wanted to grow old together, to have children. I used to see it so clearly. But now my future isn’t certain at all. I have no clue what it holds, and I’m not sure if you’re in it.”
“What do I have to do to prove myself to you? What do I have to say to show you I’m more serious about
us
today than I was the day I made my vows?”
She shakes her head, shaking me off as she stands. “Do you understand I don’t trust you, Julian? You’ve hurt me so many times. You’ve lied over and over again. All I ever asked was for you to be truthful. For you to be honest so we can move past everything. But still you stand and lie to me time and time again.” She turns away from me and begins going down the bleachers. I quickly stand, following closely behind her until we’re on the field.
My mind races with the thoughts of not having her in my life. “What do you want to know? Ask me, whatever you want and I swear on everything I am, I will tell you the truth.”
If the truth is what she wants, then I’ll give it to her, but sometimes the truth doesn’t set you free, it
destroys
you.
She stops. Slowly she turns around and looks at me. Her eyes are now filled with tears, she wipes them away, sniffs before taking a step closer. She looks at me as if questioning herself if she can trust me or not. “Was there ever a time in our relationship that you thought it was over? Not because I said so, because you felt it deep within your heart that maybe our love was broken?”
“What the hell, Natalia?” I groan.
“You said to ask you
anything
and you’d be honest!”
“Okay, fine, fuck it! You want the truth? Then fine, yes. The answer is yes.” I take her in, seeing if she can handle it; her features are blank as she narrows her eyes at me. “About a year ago I second-guessed our relationship. You were unhappy and always angry with me. There were times I dreaded coming home because I knew you’d nitpick every little thing and all we did was argue. Argue over every fucking thing and it got exhausting. So, yes, there was a point I thought our relationship was broken.”
The truth of my words sting her; I know they do, because more tears fall down her cheeks. She tries to hold it together, but she can’t. “I was unhappy,” she confesses.
“I know.”
“You were out partying or away. I felt lonely and I wanted more. I wanted children and you always said it wasn’t the right time. Was that just an excuse? Did you even ever want children? Was there ever going to be a right time?”
What the hell?
I drag a hand through my hair as I pace a few steps away from her. This is what she asked for, she wants the truth.
“Natalia, it wasn’t the right time. We argued all the time. I was never home. I was either away at an event, a signing, or training for my next fight. Where could we have squeezed a baby in the mix of all of that? Then you were getting back into acting and I was happy you were finally getting out of the house. You seemed so much more alive and I didn’t want to take that away from you.” She continues to stare at me, her eyes glistening from the tears. I exhale deeply. “And yes, I was scared shitless of becoming a father. I didn’t have one in my life, I didn’t have a male role model that I could look up to. What
if
I failed in fatherhood? That’s what I kept asking myself. So yes, okay,” I admit, tossing my arms in the air, “some part of me made excuses, because deep down I was scared.”
“Why didn’t you just say that?”
Defeated, I shrug my shoulders as my arms drop to my side. “I was happy with just the two of us. I’d be happy if it was only just the two of us for the rest of our lives. I had already felt our relationship was plummeting big time, and I thought a baby added into all of that would ruin us.”
“You really thought that?”
I nod.
Natalia shakes her head. “Julian, you have no idea how great of a father you will be. I’ve seen you with kids and you’re amazing with them.” She wipes away her tears, then wraps her arms around herself as she turns her head away. She continues to stare out into the field, I’m sure her mind racing with a million thoughts. “I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m so confused,” she finally whispers, as if struggling with her own views.
I cautiously take a step forward. “Is there anything else you want to know?” I ask, hoping to God we can just end this and move on. But as she tilts her head and looks at me, I know she’s not done.
“Yes, I have one more question.” She raises a finger. “But I need you to be
truly
honest, and Julian, please remember, we’ve been together for twelve years. I know you.”
I press my lips together, squaring my shoulders and nod once. My heart pounds, and the palm of my hands begin to sting, but I stand there and mentally prepare myself for what she’s about to ask.
Natalia straightens; she seems to be struggling with whatever it is she wants to ask. After seconds tick by, she finally blurts out, “Have you ever been unfaithful?”
I suck in the largest lump of air my lungs can handle and slowly anticipate how to explain my answer. My breathing grows quick and her eyes widen. “I can’t believe you!” She grimaces, turning on her boots and storming off.
I run after her. “Let me explain,” I beg. I grip her arm and stop her.
She shakes out of my hold, her body whips around to face me. Her features distort as angry tears scorch down her cheeks. She pokes a finger at my chest, and with each word she pushes me back. “I have
never
been unfaithful to you, Julian!” She chokes over her words, my chest tightens. “I
never
broke our vow! I
never
stopped loving you! I
never
did anything to intentionally hurt you. Why would you want to hurt me? What have I done to deserve this? Was I not enough? Tell me!” Her words are barely audible through her cries.
Everything in me explodes, the only person I love more than anything is standing in front of me, broken and in tears and asking what she’s done to deserve the reason I broke our vows. Frantic to have her understand, I grasp her arms, bending at the knees and look into her eyes, pleading. “Natalia, listen to me.” I lightly shake her, forcing her to open her eyes. I look into her tear stained face and pour it all out. “It was one night, I promise.”
She shakes her head. “No! I’ve heard enough.” Natalia tries to pull away from me, but I tighten my grip.
“I don’t even remember it! I was so high on God knows what, and I regret everything about that night. We had this huge argument over the phone, don’t you remember? It was the night you said you were flying back home, because you needed a break from us. It was right before I went into rehab. I couldn’t get a flight back to LA from Vegas that night, I tried so hard to. I was at a party and I was so angry with everything going on. It was the anniversary of my mom’s death and I got drunk and high and I swear to
God
if I could take it back, I would give my life to change everything about that night. I woke up the next day in a hotel room with a woman in my bed and I had no clue who the hell she was. I quickly dressed and left and I swear ever since then, I have been beating myself up
every
single
day
. It’s the reason why I went to rehab; I knew I needed to get help.”
Natalia gulps, her face twisting as her cries harden. Through her whimpers, she forces her words. “I can
never
forgive you.”
“Please don’t say that,” I croak.
Sniffling, she backs away. She hiccups, trying to find her breath, and with shaky hands she wipes beneath her eyes. “I will never be able to trust you again. It will never be the same.”
“But I love you so much.”
“Don’t you understand? Sometimes love isn’t enough. There’s so much more to a marriage, to a relationship than just love, and I think you failed to realize that.” She backs away, crumbling before me, her beautiful face cries harder than I’ve ever seen her. She tries to control her breath with each word. “There’s trust, Julian. Trust between two people and the belief that it will never get taken away over something trivial.” Her sobs grow stronger. “
You
broke that.
You
broke us with this trust. I don’t know that we can, that
I
can . . .” She raises the back of her hand to her mouth and presses it against her lips. Natalia’s shattered stare bores into me. “I can’t ever come back from this.”
And what do I say to that? As I try to gather my thoughts, Natalia walks away from me. I can run after her. I know I can, but I know this time I broke her. Without a doubt, I destroyed the last twelve years, because of one stupid night that I can’t remember.