The Hidden Life (11 page)

“
‘How can I make you remember me’

the moon whispered to the sun

long ago

and with one of the most

beautiful replies the

universe has ever known

the sun smiled and

spoke

‘Give me half

of the sky’”

-Christopher Poindexter

Seth

COLIN INSISTED HE
wanted to be the one to speak to Effie first, and as much as I wanted to get my hands on my little sister and rip her a new one, it was his place, not mine. It was him she had wronged. It was his life she’d completely fucked up. And honestly, it was probably better, seeing as how I would’ve lost all control at the mere sight of her face.

How could she do this? More importantly,
why
would she do this?

Sure, she’s always had a crush on our neighbor, but to stoop to this level? What did she think she’d gain? Destroying his marriage in hopes he’d run to her? Was she really that delusional? Even not knowing the truth about Colin and Monroe’s relationship, how could she be so self-absorbed, so vain and insensitive?

My brain couldn’t process the absurdity of her actions. We weren’t raised like that, and I knew once my parents found out her role in the scandal they’d be livid. But unfortunately, nothing could undo her actions, and all that was left was to deal with the fallout that followed.

When I left Colin and Monroe’s house that afternoon, I’d never felt more helpless in all my life. Despite everything that happened between me and Colin and the months of virtual silence, my heart and my head ached for him. Not quite as much as it did for Monroe, because I knew she’d be viewed as the cheating villainous whore by the entire world with nothing short of Colin coming out of the closet saving her reputation, but I still worried for him enough that I couldn’t function normally as I waited to hear from one of them. Couldn’t eat. Couldn’t sleep. Couldn’t think of anything else. I was physically ill.

When my phone rang early the following morning, I expected it to be another call from one of our childhood friends, wondering what I knew about the situation. Another call I’d ignore. But to my surprise, it was Colin’s name that appeared on my caller ID.

“Hello?” I answered, unsure of what to expect.

His voice sounded surprisingly calm. “Hey, man, sorry if I woke you up.”

“Nah, I wasn’t asleep.” I sat straight up on the couch, where I hadn’t moved from in the previous twelve hours. “What’s going on? Have you talked to Effie? “

“Yeah, it wasn’t pretty, but that’s not why I’m calling. You think you can come over this morning? I’ve scheduled a press conference at ten, and although I know I’m not your favorite person right now, it would mean a lot to me if you were here.”

Slightly taken aback, I stammered, “I-I uh, sure, I can be there. How’s Monroe holding up?”

“She hasn’t come out of her room since you left yesterday, but after a considerable amount of begging, she’s agreed to go out with me for this. Barry is already here, as is Allison, who flew in from Michigan early this morning by my request,” he replied.

I was aware of the likely PR nightmare that Mending Hearts was facing with the story of two of their executive directors involved in an adultery scandal making headlines, but I didn’t understand why he’d have Alison fly in just for a press conference. However, I chose not to ask any questions, hoping things would make more sense when I got there.

“Okay, yeah. Let me shower and change then I’ll be on my way.”

“Perfect,” he said, before adding, “Oh, and Seth, thank you for being here for her. Always. I hate that she’s being put through this, but I’m glad she had you with her.”

Again, more questions popped into my mind, but I chose to keep quiet until I could ask them face-to-face.

“No problem. I’d do anything for Monroe. You know that.”

“Yeah, I do.”

An hour later, I arrived at their house, letting myself in through the back entrance to avoid the media zoo as much as possible. Police officers lined their street, doing their best to control the traffic and hordes of people. Apparently, everyone in the city had come out to see their Super Bowl-bound quarterback speak about his disgraceful, two-timing wife.

When I strode through the main level of their row house, I found Colin and Barry, the head of Patriot’s public relations, huddled together in the dining area, whispering about what I assumed was the upcoming speech. As soon as they saw me, they came straight over to greet me. Barry shook my hand and offered a thin smile; dark half-moons under his eyes that mirrored my own told me he’d gotten about as much sleep as I had the night before.

Colin then pulled me into a tight hug, and murmured, “Thank you so much for coming. I can’t tell you how much it means to me that you’re here for this.”

The air whooshed from my lungs and my entire body buzzed at the unexpected physical contact. The first time I’d felt his skin on mine in over four months. A single embrace that flooded my mind with years of memories I’d tried so hard to suppress. For a split second, I forgot the reason we were there, and I allowed myself to melt into the warmth of his colossal frame. Pretending things were the way they used to be.

“Hey, Colin, where do you keep your sugar for the coffee?” Allison’s voice called out from the kitchen, breaking the charged moment. Quickly, I released him and backed away, embarrassed for my brief lapse in judgment.

Not taking his eyes off of me, he answered, “Top left shelf in the pantry.”

I swallowed hard and forced a smile then moved through the archway to greet her as well, trying to stifle the longing and desire he stirred inside of me. This was not the time for my heart to start thinking instead of my brain.

A few minutes later, after Monroe’s boss and I had exchanged polite pleasantries, the sound of Monroe’s bedroom door opening and the subsequent footsteps on the stairs captured all of our attention. The second she came into view, my heart dropped and I instantly forgot all about my interaction with Colin, and my sole focus shifted to comforting her. The pain and agony painted across her normally cheerful face killed me.

She first went to Allison, hugging her and apologizing profusely for everything, even though the older woman would hear nothing of it. Then, after a halfhearted ‘good morning’ to the rest of us, at which I looped my arm around her shoulders and held her close to me, Barry went over the logistics of the press conference. Allison and I were to stand next to Colin’s parents, who I was surprised to hear were there, while Colin and Monroe would address the crowd together. A united front.

Everything seemed to move quickly from there, and before I knew it, I was outside on their front lawn, watching astutely as two of the most important people in my life
— regardless of all that had happened — marched hand-in-hand up to the makeshift podium. Not knowing how much the next ten minutes would completely flip my world upside down.

“I have to be honest with you guys. Doing something like this is even harder than it looks.” With his signature charming smile, Colin started the press conference as he nervously toyed with the collar of his shirt — a very non-Colinesque thing to do. “Last night, I stayed up late working on what I was going to say today, writing and rewriting draft after draft, not happy with how any of them sounded. So I decided, against the strong recommendation of my public relations director,” he tipped his chin in the direction of Barry, “to come out here and speak from my heart, without a script. I’m gonna ask you to bear with me if I ramble a little.”

He stopped to drink some water from the bottle sitting on the podium, and the sound of camera shutters filled the silence. My entire body was on edge, waiting with bated breath to see what he was going to say.

“You know, sometimes, life throws you a curve ball that completely blindsides you and knocks you on your butt,” he continued, his voice growing more confident with every word, “and when it happens, you think the effects are going to be devastating. Earth-shattering. That you’ll never recover. Everything you’ve worked so hard for vanishes… all of it just gone in the blink of an eye. That’s how I felt when I woke up yesterday morning. It was as if I’d just been run over by an eighteen-wheeler, who then stopped, put the rig in reverse, and plowed over me again. I thought all hope was lost, and I had no idea what I was going to do.

“But what I didn’t realize at the time was that curveball was part of God’s plan for me. He knew I needed to get knocked down, to remind me not only to be appreciative of the things I have, but also that He was in control and not me. Now, I know I’ve always been very open about my faith and my spirituality, and when I mention God’s name, I take the risk of losing some of you, because you think, ‘Oh man, here he goes again with that stuff,’ but stay with me until I finish this time. I promise it’ll be worth it.”

Another pause as he glanced over at Monroe and winked then twisted back to the microphone. My gut rolled with frazzled nerves as I scanned the crowd, silently hoping he could convince all of these people, as well as the rest of the world, that his wife was not the monster they were making her out to be.

“So, after everything happened yesterday and I was back at home, I found myself with quite a bit of time alone to do some much-needed soul-searching and to really evaluate what my purpose was in this life. Through reading scripture and extensive prayer, I came to realize I wasn’t anything like the person who I pretend to be, the person you guys see when I’m out on the field or volunteering at the neighborhood soup kitchen. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not saying that playing football isn’t my passion or that I don’t find immense joy helping others in need, because I do, and they’re both a huge part of who I am. But just like every single one of you, when I come home each day, the minute I step through that door and inside my house,” he pointed at the house behind him, “I’m free to just be me, without anyone watching what I’m doing or passing judgment… or so I had fooled myself into believing.”

His brows pinched together as his smile disappeared and a solemn, determined expression washed over his strong features.

“You see, what I lost sight of somewhere along the way is I believe the only one whose judgment ultimately matters is God’s, and He can see me all the time. There’s no hiding from Him. The person I am behind closed doors is just as much a part of my character as the football player and the volunteer is, and if my peers choose to judge me for who I am and what I believe, then that’s on them and not me. All I can do is try each and every day to be the best Christian I can be, and when my time comes, hope that I did enough to pass His judgment.

“Last night, after I made the realization that I’ve been so caught up in what other people think about me and the pretense of this perfect life I live, I also realized that while doing this, I’ve been hurting and taking advantage of the people I love the most. And that’s not who I want to be.” With a deep sigh, he shook his head, disappointment slumping his shoulders.

“So now you’re all probably wondering how any of this ties into leaked intimate photos of my wife with another man, and I’ll tell you.” Smiling an apologetic smile over at Monroe, he pulled her close to him then looked straight out into the audience. “Monroe Cassidy is my closest friend in the entire world, and I love her more than she will ever know, but what no one else knows until now is that we are husband and wife in name alone… because I’m gay.”

Gasping, I reached out and grabbed hold of Allison’s hand, afraid my wobbly legs wouldn’t hold me. My heart either stopped working altogether, or it was racing so fast the beats all just blurred together. Shocked. Stunned. Completely fucking speechless. I had to be dreaming.

Colin tapped the microphone to get the attention of the frenzied crowd, but when that didn’t work, he lifted his arm in the air, and remarkably, they all quieted down. But there was nothing quiet inside me. Everything else he said after and the whirlwind of activity that ensued was just white noise. All I could hear was his words playing in a loop through my mind.