The Hidden Life (5 page)

“Can’t do what?” he challenged. “Me? Us? That’s it? After sixteen years of being best friends, five of those as lovers, all of a sudden you just decide you’re done? You’re just walking away without a fight?”

All the air whooshed out of my lungs in a single breath at the thought of my life without Colin, and I stumbled to the side of the building, my body sagging against the porous brick surface. Running my free hand through my hair, I closed my eyes and swallowed back the bittersweet taste of love. I wanted more — deserved more — than he could ever offer me. But I loved him too much to walk away.

I sighed, defeated by my own heart. “I just need some time to think about things. We’ll talk in a few days, okay? Give me a chance to sort through my shit.”

“One night, Seth. I can give you one night — tonight,” he conceded, his voice softer, the anger dissipating. “And know that I won’t be able to sleep a wink without you next to me. But come tomorrow, I want you here when I get home from practice. I won’t stay late so that we’ll have plenty of time to talk about whatever’s bothering you, and after that’s taken care of, I’m gonna let you call the shots for the night. Whatever you want.”

“Fuck, are you serious?” I hissed in a sharp breath as my dick stirred to life in my jeans.

The mere thought of Colin allowing me to top him was enough to erase all of the misgivings I had about our relationship instantaneously. There was nothing I wanted more than to make him come while I filled his tight virgin ass with my pulsing cock, and he’d sworn that would never happen.

“Look, I know my schedule and my life are hard to deal with. I know I’m not around as much as you’d like, or as much as I’d like to be. I know it sucks that we don’t get to do normal things that other couples do. But I also know that I love you. Deeply. For years.” He paused, letting the words sink in. “If my giving you that helps prove how I feel about you, how devoted I am to us, then absolutely. I know you give up a lot to make us work, and I’m willing to do the same.”

“How about tonight?” I croaked out, adjusting my thickening bulge.

“Tonight?”

Clearing my throat, I pushed off the wall and strode toward the street, my hand in the air to hail a nearby taxi. “Yeah, I think we covered most of the ‘talking’ part. I’m more interested in the ‘what happens after’ part. Like right now. Tonight.”

“Y-y-yeah,” he stuttered at first, caught off guard by my abrupt change of tune, then repeated himself more assuredly. “Yeah, tonight. You need me to come get you?”

“Nah, I’m grabbing a cabbie now. I’ll have him drop me down the road and come in the back entrance. You mind bringing me to my car on your way to practice tomorrow?” I asked, as I opened the yellow car door and slid into the backseat, giving the driver the address.

“That works. I’m gonna tell Roe you’re coming then jump in the shower. See you in a few.”

“Yep.” I hung up the phone and slid it into my pocket then rested my head back on the seat, watching the blur of lights zoom by as I envisioned all of the naughty things I was going to do to Colin later that night.

By the time I let myself in their house and bound my way up to his second-floor master suite, my dick was a loaded steel gun, cocked and ready to fire. And fire it did.

Hitting my target every damn time.

Claiming his forbidden pleasure.

Reveling in his willing surrender.

Owning every inch of his hard body.

Victory that night was sinfully sweet, and I savored every last minute of it, but the next morning, when I couldn’t kiss Colin goodbye as he dropped me off at my car, afraid someone might see us, that same lonely, empty pit of despair reappeared in my gut, this time even deeper than before.

“I’ll throw

my

voice into

the stars and maybe

the echo of my words will

be written for you

in the clouds by

sunrise.

All I’m trying

to say is:

I will love

you

through the darkness.”

-Christopher Poindexter

Seth

OUT ON THE
veranda of the Sixty State Street building’s top floor, I gazed out over the sea of white lights illuminating both the skyline and harbor, wondering what in the hell my problem was. Sucking in a deep breath of fresh Boston summertime air, I closed my eyes and counted backward from ten before exhaling and reopening my lids.
Nope, didn’t help at all.

I had been at the First Annual Mending Hearts Gala for all of ten minutes, and I already felt like the black bowtie was strangling me. Just being in the same room with Colin was enough to make my heart palpitate and my lungs collapse. No matter how much I had psyched myself up for seeing him, I was powerless to the effect he had on me.

My fingers trembled around the frosty glass filled with my favorite lager as I lifted it to my lips and guzzled back a healthy drink. I could not let him see me like this. I didn’t want him to know how much I still wanted him, how many sleepless nights I had lay alone in my bed, wishing I was in his arms instead.

It had been a couple of weeks since our last fight, when I had walked out of his bedroom, protesting that, yet again, I had become second place to his public life
. The life I was friend-zoned in. The life he would never give up to be with me.

For the two and a half years we’d been back in Boston, our relationship had been nothing short of a roller coaster ride, a journey filled with constant peaks and valleys, leaving me dizzy and unsure of which way was right-side-up most of the time. During his off-season, we would often spend the evenings cooking dinner, hanging out with Monroe, watching movies, things that normal couples did. Behind closed doors, Colin showered me with love and attention. He texted me during the day to let me know he was thinking about me, counting down the hours until we were back together. Though it still bothered me that we had to stay hidden from the rest of the world, getting that time with him, feeling like I was a part of his life and not just a warm body to keep him company at night, made it all okay.

But once the season drew near and every waking moment of his time was consumed with practice, team meetings, and hanging out with his teammates to build camaraderie, I began to feel like an afterthought, a convenience. I still got the ‘just because’ texts and his sweet love at night, but our time together dwindled to nearly nothing except for when we were fucking or sleeping. I wanted more.

I deserved more.

“I’m glad you decided to come,” Colin’s gruff voice filled my ears a split-second before his familiar scent assaulted my nose. Against my will, I inhaled deeply, causing my cock to stir to life.

I kept my focus forward, out into the night’s sky as he stepped up next to me, then took another drink of my beer, before answering, “I told Monroe I’d be here, so I’m here. I would never disappoint her.”

“You could’ve returned one of my texts or calls, ya know? I’ve been losing my mind not talking to you.” He shook his head and grabbed onto the railing out in front of us. “She told me not to push it, said I needed to give you time, but seeing you here tonight… I can’t do that anymore, Seth. I’m done.”

Not quite understanding what he meant, I glanced over at him and met his intense emerald stare. I gasped, overwhelmed by his nearness and the electricity buzzing between us. It should’ve been a crime for any man to look that damn fine. And a tuxedo to boot… fuck me.

“Done with what?” I managed to ask through my suddenly dry mouth.

“Done giving you time,” he replied, his voice low even though no one else was around, sincerity washing over his features. “I’m sorry I forgot about our plans. I told you that night I was sorry, and I’m still so damn sorry. I messed up. I take full responsibility. Please forgive me and let’s move on. Give me the opportunity to make it up to you and to show you it won’t happen again.”

My body, heart, and brain clashed in a familiar battle, and when he added the final, “Always my only one. You know that,” I cracked.

Cutting my eyes back out over the ledge, I shook my head. “This is the last time. I swear, Colin. I give up a helluva lot to try and make this work, and I won’t be taken for granted,” I warned, attempting to save a little bit of dignity by standing up for myself. Really, all I wanted to do was get to the kiss-and-make-up part.

“Thank you so much. I’m gonna prove it to you. Just wait and see.” Relief and happiness rolled off of him.

I prayed he was right.

“Meet me at the house tonight? I’ve been dying without you, man,” he confessed, as he shoved his hands in his pockets, accentuating the thick bulge hidden in his dress pants. “I’ll beg if I have to.”

Desire burned deep in my gut. “Yeah, I’ll be there, after I make sure Effie gets wherever she’s going safely.”

“Perfect,” he beamed. “It’s my last Sunday off, so we can spend the entire day making up for lost time until the Sox game tomorrow night. Remember, the one I told you about a while back? Make sure you remind Eff about it too.”

Before I could reply, the voice of Mrs. Cassidy, Colin’s mom, caught both of our attention. “Come inside, boys!” she shouted from the glass door leading to the gala. “It’s almost time for Monroe’s speech!”

As Colin and I hurried inside together, neither of us wanting to miss our girl’s big moment, we shared a knowing smile and all was right in the world again.

Until the day it wasn’t.

‘There is nothing worse

than feeling empty,’

she said, staring at the small bottle of Jack

in her hands.

‘Wrong,’ I replied,

as she looked at me

like I was about to

reveal a secret she had

been waiting her whole

life to hear,

‘there is nothing worse

than feeling something

inside you and not knowing

what to do with it or having

anyone to understand it.’”

-Christopher Poindexter

Seth

“
HELLO?” I ANSWERED
the phone groggily, waking up from an unexpected nap on my couch.

“Hey, babe,” Colin replied, his deep, sultry voice a jolt to my senses. “Were you asleep?”

Sitting up, I surveyed the area around me covered in homework I’d been in the middle of grading. Homework that I should’ve graded over the long Labor Day weekend, but instead, I’d spent Saturday and Sunday with Colin and Monroe
—
at their house and at the game, and then Monday, we all went to his parents’ house, where we barbecued and lit fireworks, celebrating the Patriots’ big comeback win from the day before.

I stood and stretched my cramped legs. “Yeah, I guess I nodded off reading through these assignments. What time is it anyway?”

“Nine-thirty. I’m just leaving the facility now, should be home in a little less than an hour. I texted you around eight to let you know I was running late and to go ahead and eat, but I’m guessing you didn’t get that?” he asked.

“Nah,” I chuckled as I bent down and stacked the papers back into a somewhat orderly fashion. “But no worries, I’ll pick us both up something on the way over. Let me finish this work then I’ll shower and head your way. Cool?”

“Yeah, perfect. I had a craptastic day and really just want to lose myself in you tonight.” Colin sighed heavily, and without even seeing him, I knew fatigue and frustration were etched into the chiseled features of his face.

My chest swelled with whatever that goodness is that makes you feel wanted. “Yeah, well, I think we might be able to make that happen,” I teased lightheartedly, hoping he’d at least crack a smile. “Anything specific you want to eat?”

It had only been a couple of weeks since we had reunited the night of the gala, but things had improved drastically. Colin had started bringing home game film to study in the evenings instead of watching it up at the training facility. While he did that, I would usually either grade papers or surf the web, and even though we were both working or doing our own thing, the important thing was we were together. A few nights, he even stayed at my place, spending the night in my bed, which he’d never done before.