Read The Further Adventures of an Idiot Abroad Online
Authors: Karl Pilkington
Tags: #General, #humor
The Further Adventures of an Idiot Abroad (14 page)
I’m already in there for the podcasts. The most downloaded podcast in the world in 2007. But I can’t say I’ve got much to show for it (Ricky kept the
certificate).
I was in Macedonia recently – a place that takes getting into the record books quite seriously. I think it’s ’cos their country is quite new so it’s important for the
people to be recognised for doing something. I met a man who broke a record for running for 36 hours whilst listening to the same song over and over again. I decided I’d take this challenge
on whilst I was there. I didn’t bother with the running part but I listened to the Mr Men theme tune over and over again. I had it in my headphones from 10.15 a.m. until gone 11 p.m. at
night. Ricky called my phone about five hours in which stopped the music for a few minutes so the director said it doesn’t count, but I carried on. I listened to the theme tune over 1,500
times. It won’t get in a book but I know I did it and that’s all that counts really.
As I was thinking these things over, he continued to stick forks, knives and now pot plates to his body. He was more of a human pot rack. I thought it would be useful for being hands-free when
using a mobile phone, but his ears didn’t seem to have magnetic power. I asked if he had been a magnet baby, and he showed me photos of his kids who were also magnet kids. The photo showed
them lined up with bits of metal and plates stuck to them. They didn’t look particular happy, but that was no surprise. They can’t be a close family because magnets repel each
other.
He then passed some of his magnet powers onto me by rubbing the various eating utensils on himself and then placing them on me. They did stick for quite some time, which makes me think it must
be down to him being sweaty. It’s a superpower that could be beaten by talcum powder. Talc is like his kryptonite. After half an hour we had to stop, not ’cos using his powers wears him
out, but because it was close to lunchtime and the train’s kitchen wanted its cutlery back.
Everyone at some point has thought about which superpower they would like to have. Teleporting is a good one, but Suzanne has enough holidays as it is. If we could do this
I’d never get anything done, as she’d have us going all over the shop. Shape-shifting sounds good, but I don’t know how often I’d choose to be me. Flying must be
overrated, as pigeons have the ability to do it, but most of them choose to walk. I’d be happy to have the flying power of a chicken, so that if I fell off a roof I’d have the ability
to flap down to the ground safely. I did have one idea of a superhero I’d like to be. I’d be Bullshit Man. There’s a lot of bullshit being spouted all the time. When builders or
mechanics tried to rip people off I’d like to have superhearing that is sensitive to bullshit talk. I’d fly in and shout ‘Bullshit!’, and they’d have to take back
what they said and not rip people off. There wouldn’t be any violence. I’d just state the fact that what they had just said was bullshit and they would have to change their ways for
their business to survive. Maybe I’d let them bullshit once or twice and send a letter of warning first, but after that I’d fly in. I wouldn’t bother with a superhero costume,
as that is bullshit. There’s no need. Superman used up valuable time finding a phonebox to change in instead of getting on with the job in hand.
Stephen left a message about me going to visit a traditional healer after hearing that I wasn’t too well. I can’t imagine Russians being into traditional healing, as they seem like
a no-nonsense country (I doubt Bullshit Man would be needed in this part of the world very often), but I was happy to get off the train, as I was suffering with motion sickness. I met with
another man named Andre, same name as the fella at Star City.
I think it has to be surname as well as first name for this to count, but I don’t know why this is on the Bucket List. It’ll just end up being a confusing day.
And I wouldn’t want to speak to the bloke anyway, as it would be easy for him to steal my identity once he got a few more details off me.
Andre and his friends were in the middle of nowhere digging holes in a forest. I was handed a shovel and asked to dig. I kind of guessed by the size of the hole that it was being dug for me to
get into, but what I didn’t realise was that my whole body would get covered, including the head.
KARL
: So your head’s under? I didn’t realise that. I thought you meant just lie in it with your head out. How do you breathe?
TRANSLATOR
: You use a pipe.
KARL
: A pipe?
TRANSLATOR
: Yeah.
KARL
: How do you know if I’m panicking then if I’m under there going
mmm mmm mmm
? You can’t hear me!
TRANSLATOR
: There are some safety rules and some safety precautions. We’ve been doing this a long time, and everything went fine every time.
Just remember that you’re able to stop it at any moment you wish. There is a specific set of signals underground that we can hear.
KARL
: How are you picking up signals? This is mental! Honestly, this is daft, this!
(
Andre blows into pipe three times
)
TRANSLATOR
: You see?
KARL
: What?
TRANSLATOR
: Three beeps, we immediately take the person out of the ground. Like this. (
three beeps
) It’s really easy to do. If you
feel you want to stay a bit longer there – this happens a lot – use the second signal. Two beeps.
KARL
: Two beeps to leave me alone? Wouldn’t it be better to do two beep to get out ’cos that’s quicker? Three beeps takes longer
to do.
TRANSLATOR
: We can do whatever you want.
KARL
: We need a system here!
Apparently, this is an ancient form of self-enlightenment that was used by shamans. I quite enjoyed the digging of the hole – there was something therapeutic about that part, that’s
why people do gardening – but I’ve never seen Alan Titchmarsh get in a hole after planting his petunias.
The translator tried to explain why I should get in the hole: ‘In extreme situations the thing that kills people is panic. And it’s really difficult to create a state where the state
of fear is around you every single moment. In some everyday situations, for example, parachute jumping, it lasts only a few minutes, so it’s not that hard. Here you feel uncomfortable a bit
longer, so it gives you more of a chance to learn to communicate with it, with your own fears. We just need to learn to communicate with the fear.’
I tried calling Stephen to see if he was aware of what I was being asked to do, but it went to voicemail. I called Ricky. No answer there either.
I thought I’d give it a go. I don’t know why. Maybe it was because I felt guilty about not doing the zero gravity flight, but I like a bit of peace and quiet, so how bad could it be?
Andre told me that to stop the panic it’s best to count slowly to calm myself. This keeps the brain busy and stops it from worrying. This doesn’t make sense to me. If counting helps to
calm you down why was I worried all the way through my maths tests at school? In the end I decided to strap me iPhone to me head and listen to ‘Stranger On The Shore’ by Acker Bilk on
repeat. It’s a calming bit of music I never get sick of. They laid a sheet of plastic in the hole, and I lay on it and made a little mound of earth for a pillow to rest my head on. They put
the sheet over me like I was a chicken wrap, stuck a bit of garden hosepipe in my mouth that was long enough to stick out of the ground, and then they started throwing earth over my legs. They were
over my face in no time. Here I was getting buried, yet Lenin who’s dead is above ground. The music in my headphones seemed a lot louder now that I was underground, but I was unable to move
to turn it down. I also felt really cold. I was fine with it, but I had a little bit of a panic when it came to swallowing my saliva, as I’m always waking up in the night choking if I lie on
my back. I’ve wrecked pillows with the amount of saliva that escapes from me. We have to replace our pillows a lot, as they get stained with light brown saliva patches. They end up looking
like I’ve made a pillow out of a giraffe. I was busy focusing and swallowing when the music went off and the phone started ringing. I let it go to voicemail. I moved my legs slightly, and the
earth quickly filled any gaps that were there before, so I felt more pressure from the ground above. I gave the three beeps signal. They dug me out. I’d done about fifteen minutes.
They’d been busy digging another hole while I was under there, and a woman had turned up for a session. I asked why she was doing it. She said she suffered from claustrophobia and thought
this would help her beat it.
I enjoyed being under there. It was the most relaxing thing I’d done since being in Russia. I listened to the message I got when I was underground. It was Ricky.
RICKY
: Alright, boy. Got your message. Yeah, that sounds horrible. I wouldn’t do it. But, the thing is, if they bury you and just leave the
head out that’s more dangerous because someone would definitely use you as a football and give it a boot. Don’t panic. That’ll make it worse. If you don’t like it and
you get down there and it’s horrible just say, ‘I’m a celebrity, get me out of here.’ That’s how it works. That’s what Kerry Katona did, and she was Mother
of the Year.