“Adrian, this must remain just between us until after Kyle’s adoption is final.”
“Why? Surely it could not hurt your case for the
Englisch
to know I stand ready to serve as Kyle’s father.”
She grasped his arm. “Perhaps not, but I can’t take that chance. We must be friends until then and nothing more.”
He covered her hand with his large warm one. “I will always be your friend. Do not look so worried, Faith. It is all in God’s hands.”
He was right. She relaxed and nodded. “I have faith in His grace. It will be fine.”
Faith tried to retain her positive attitude as the week slowly rolled by. Miss Watkins’ coming visit would be the last one before the official adoption hearing. Her recommendations would weigh heavily with the judge.
After supper on Thursday evening, Faith cleared the table and then sat down beside Kyle. He was coloring a page for his homework assignment. She said, “I have something important to talk about.”
“What is it?” He exchanged a red crayon for a green one and began to work on the grass in his picture.
“Miss Watkins is coming tomorrow.”
His small browed furrowed. “Why does she keep coming back?”
“Because she wants to make sure you have a safe place to live.”
“I want to live here.”
She planted a kiss on his brow. “I want you to live here, too. I love you.”
He kept his mouth closed. He wasn’t ready to say those words to her. Would he ever be? She went on as if nothing were wrong. “I want you to promise me that you’ll stay close to the house tomorrow while Miss Watkins is here.”
“Why?”
“We don’t want her to think you don’t like it here. That you’d rather live someplace else, do we?”
Confusion deepened his scowl. “I don’t like it here a whole bunch.”
Faith drew back in surprise. “You don’t? I thought you were happy here. Is it school? Do you dislike your teacher, or is someone bullying you there?”
“School is okay. I don’t want to talk about it.” He gathered his paper and crayons and ran out of the room.
Faith stared after him in shock. Was she doing the wrong
thing trying to raise him as Amish? Would he be happier in a home with
Englisch
parents? What should she do?
If only Adrian were here. She looked out the window toward his farm. What advice would he give? She hadn’t seen him since he’d asked permission to court her. She wanted to believe it was God’s plan for them to have a future together, but she was afraid to hope for such happiness.
It seemed as if she’d spent her entire life being afraid.
That night she went to bed but sleep proved elusive. She tossed and turned beneath the covers and prayed that she was doing the right thing.
When the morning finally came, she made breakfast and went out to do the chores. When she called Kyle down, her heart ached for him. His eyes were puffy, and he looked as if he hadn’t slept any better than she had.
“Kyle, we should talk about what’s bothering you.”
“Nothing’s bothering me. Can I have jelly on my toast?”
She set a jar of peach preserves on the table and waited until he helped himself. “Kyle, do you want to live somewhere else?”
He put down his toast without tasting it. “No.”
“If you do, that’s okay.”
“Where else could I go?”
“I’m not sure, but there are a lot of people who would love to have a little boy like you.”
“No, I can’t go anywhere else. I have to stay and take care of Shadow. Shadow needs me. I’m his friend.”
“All right. It’s time to get ready for school. You’d better hurry. You don’t want to be late.”
She walked Kyle to the end of the lane and waited with him until the Imhoff children arrived. Faith bit her lip as she watched them walk down the road toward the school swinging their lunch coolers alongside.
When they were out of sight, she glanced toward Adrian’s
farm. She wanted to talk to him, to share her burden and her fears. Biting her thumbnail, she waged an internal war. Tell him or don’t tell him? Before she could decide, she caught a glimpse of him driving his grain binder into the cornfield.
He had more than enough work to do. She didn’t need to add to his troubles.
She opened her heart and began to pray. “Dear Lord, please let the social worker’s visit go well. Let Kyle come to love me as I love him and to be content here among Your people. Give me the strength and wisdom to guide him throughout his life.”
A car whizzed by, bringing her attention back to the present. She turned and walked toward the house. There was plenty of spinning to keep her busy until Kyle came home again. Praying while she was spinning was easy, too, and she had a lot of praying to do.
It was a few minutes before four o’clock when Miss Watkins arrived for her last visit. Faith put her spinning away and went out to greet her. After exchanging pleasantries, Miss Watkins got down to business. “Have you had a chance to make out a chore list for Kyle?”
“I have.” Faith produced the paper hoping she had done as Miss Watkins wanted.
After reading it, the social worker looked at Faith. “Is he to clean stalls every day?”
“It is a chore most Amish children take care of at his age without a problem. I’ve limited it to just Myrtle’s stall. Shadow is his animal, and he must take care of her.”
“All right. That’s a valid point.” She reviewed the rest of Faith’s paper and said, “It seems like a lot of work for one boy.”
“There is much work to be done around here and I can’t do it all.”
Caroline glanced at her watch. “I thought you said he
normally gets home from school at four o’clock. It’s four-fifteen.”
Faith rose to look out the window. The lane was empty. “He should be here any minute.”
“I’m concerned that he doesn’t have enough supervision on his way to and from school.”
“Amish children walk to school. He doesn’t walk alone. The Imhoff children walk with him.”
The two women sat together in silence until another fifteen minutes had passed. Faith rose to her feet again as worry gnawed at her insides. She opened the door and walked out onto the porch. Had Kyle gone to Adrian’s instead of coming home?
A splotch of red by the barn caught her eye. Kyle’s lunch pail sat beside the barn door. She turned to Miss Watkins. “He’s here. That’s his lunch cooler by the barn door. He must have gone to do his chores first.”
Faith walked down the steps and crossed the yard with Miss Watkins right behind her. As soon as Faith opened the door, she knew something was wrong. Myrtle was calling frantically for her baby as she rushed from one side of the stall to the other. Shadow was gone.
“Oh, Kyle. What have you done now?”
Miss Watkins came up behind Faith. “What’s wrong?”
“Kyle has taken Shadow. I need to find Adrian.”
Faith rushed out the back door of the barn and through the orchard to the cornfield where Adrian was working. His horses plodded along with their heads down as they pulled the large grain binder. The noise of the gasoline engine running the belt almost drowned out the clatter of the mower head as it sheered off cornstalks as thick as her wrist with ease.
He was headed toward her, but he didn’t see her. His attention was focused on the binder as it dumped out bundles of cornstalks and on keeping his horses traveling in a straight
line. Faith hurried toward him knowing he would help her find Kyle.
She stumbled several times as she crossed the rough ground. Where could Kyle have gone? Why had he run away again?
She was within fifty yards of Adrian when movement in the cornfield caught her eye. She crouched down to see better between the stalks. Was that Kyle hiding in the corn?
A scream erupted from Faith as she realized the danger Kyle was in. Adrian didn’t see him. The deadly blades of the binder would cut through a boy as easily as it did the tough corn.
She began to run, screaming at the top of her lungs to get Adrian’s attention. Screaming at Kyle to get out of the way. She had to reach him. She tried to run faster, but her weak leg gave out and she fell.
Lying in the dirt, she screamed Kyle’s name as tears blurred her vision.
Please, God, let them hear me. Please save my child!
A
drian wiped the sweat from his brow and braced his tired body against the rail at the front of his binder. His head pounded from the constant roar of the gas engine and the exhaust fumes that drifted toward him. As much work as he’d gotten done today, he knew the hard part was still ahead of him. Gathering the bundles of corn and stacking them together was a backbreaking chore.
He kept his eyes glued to the binder reel. For some reason, it occasionally threw out a bundle that wasn’t tied. He felt the tension in his reins change, and he looked toward his team. It was then he saw Faith running toward him across the stubble field.
She was shouting and waving her arms, then she fell. He didn’t know what was wrong, but he knew he had to reach her quickly. He slapped the reins against his horses’ rumps and urged them to a faster pace. The bundles of corn fell off the conveyor belt and broke open on the ground.
Faith waved him back. He could hear her shouts now, but he couldn’t make out what she was saying. Miss Watkins was running toward him, too.
Suddenly, a black blob darted out of the cornfield directly in front of his horses. They shied, and he pulled them back
into line when he realized it was Shadow. In the next instant he heard Faith yelling Kyle’s name, and he saw the boy step out directly in front of him.
“God, give me strength!” Adrian hauled back on the lines to stop his horses, kicked the shutoff switch on the engine to kill it and threw the lever that stopped the mower blades. The horses reared back at his rough handling. The noise of the machine died away to silence.
He kept his eyes shut as the vision of Gideon running in front of that car played out to its horrible end.
“Not again, God. Don’t let me see him die. Please, don’t let me see him die.”
He heard Faith’s voice first. She was sobbing. He opened his eyes and blinked to focus. Kyle stood barely six inches away from the blades.
Adrian tried but couldn’t catch his breath. He collapsed onto the platform with his head spinning. By this time Faith had reached Kyle. She had him in her arms, holding him close. Shadow, frightened and lost, called pitifully for his mother.
Faith carried Kyle toward Adrian. She called out, “He’s fine. Praise God, he’s fine.”
He waved her away. He didn’t have the strength to stand. “Take him home.”
God had given him a chance to redeem himself. He hadn’t been able to save Gideon, but Kyle was alive. “Thank you, God.”
Adrian gained his feet and turned his team toward home. He couldn’t work any more today. Being afraid was part of being human, but shutting himself off from others hadn’t lessened the pain of his son’s loss. Like a knife left in a drawer unused, the edge stayed sharp. He vividly recalled every second of that terrible day.
Living meant using all his emotions. Living his faith meant trusting God to strengthen him in times of sorrow and of joy.
He loved Faith and he loved Kyle, but was he strong enough to live each day knowing he could lose either one of them as he’d almost done today?
He wasn’t sure.
Faith knocked at Adrian’s door a few minutes before seven o’clock that night. She wiped away her tears as she waited for him to answer. She didn’t know where to turn, so she had turned to the one constant in her life.
The door opened and Adrian stood before her, his face gray, his eyes sunken. He looked as if he’d aged ten years in one day. She probably looked worse.
His voice sounded raw when he asked, “How is he?”
She thought all her tears were done, but apparently she had more. They began to flow again. “They took him away, Adrian. The social worker thinks I can’t provide a safe home for him and that his running away is proof that he’s unhappy living Amish.”
“Faith, I’m so sorry.” He stepped out of the shadows and drew her into his arms.
“I don’t know what to do,” she wailed. Clinging to Adrian was like holding on to a rock in the middle of a raging river. She’d never needed anyone more than she needed him at this moment.
He led her into his kitchen and deposited her on a worn wooden chair. “Would you like some coffee?”
She missed his touch the moment he pulled away. “
Ja.
I’m sorry to come running to you with this, but I didn’t know where else to go. I haven’t even thanked you. Your quick reactions saved Kyle’s life.”
“We must thank God for little Shadow. I knew as soon as I saw him that Kyle couldn’t be far away.”
Adrian sat beside Faith and took her hand in his. “When I saw Kyle in danger I saw my son dying again, and I couldn’t
deal with that. I came home and lay on Gideon’s bed. As my fright faded, I felt he was there with me. He was not. He’s in a wonderful place where I can’t go yet. I must remain here until God calls me. I realized my fear was part of being alive. You and Kyle have brought me back to life.”
Tears choked her. Clearing her throat, Faith said, “I can’t lose him, Adrian. I can’t.”
What she was about to say would put an end to anything between them. “If I move to town and live in an
Englisch
house with electricity and a telephone and enroll Kyle in the public school, they might let me keep him. To do that, I need money. You once told me if I couldn’t manage the farm alone that you would buy it. Well, I want to sell it to you now.”
The sadness in his eyes deepened. She couldn’t bear to cause him pain, but if she had to choose between their happiness and Kyle, then it would be Kyle.
“Faith, do you know what you are saying? To do such things would go against the
ordnung.
It would put you outside of our faith. You would be shunned by everyone in the church. Your friends, my family. Can you really want this?”
She didn’t, but what choice did she have? She was so confused and scared. “I don’t know. I only know that I don’t want to lose Kyle. Will you buy my farm?”
He sat back in his chair. “
Nee.
I will not. Do not turn your back on your faith at a time like this, I beg you. I did, and it was wrong. Grasp on to it, and it will become your strength. It took me long years to discover that, but I know it is true.”
“You will not help me?”
“Not like this. Ask me anything, but I can not help you turn your back on God.”
“You know what it is to lose a child.” She couldn’t believe what she was hearing. She’d been so sure she could depend on him.
“I know what it is to lose a child and I know what it is to find God.”
The kettle on the stove began whistling. Faith rose to her feet. “I’m afraid I can’t stay for coffee, after all. Good night, Adrian.”
She had to get out of his house before she started weeping again. Tears would not fix this.
Adrian took the kettle off the stove and leaned against the counter with his mind whirling. Today, he’d finally come to realize God had already given him the strength he needed to face life’s frailties and uncertainty. He’d come to believe that a single day loving Faith and Kyle was better than a lifetime of hiding from more pain.
Now, he was losing them both. Not by death, but by her choice.
He understood why, but that didn’t ease his sense of betrayal or loss. Faith had made a vow before God and men to remain true to the Amish religion their ancestors had died to preserve and to live separate from the world. God commanded them that it must be so in 2 Corinthians 6:14
“Be not yoked with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?”
This was a mistake Adrian could not let Faith make. He took up his hat and headed for the door. He needed wiser counsel and he prayed Bishop Zook would be able to give it.
“Good luck in there today.” Samson Carter, a white-haired man with a neatly trimmed white beard turned around in the front seat of his van to smile encouragingly at Faith.
“
Danki,
sir.” She gathered courage before stepping outside.
He said, “I’ll wait for you here.”
“I have no idea how long this will take.”
“Not to worry. I brought a book to read.”
Mr. Carter ran a van service in Hope Springs. The retired railroad worker earned extra income by driving his Amish neighbors when they needed to travel farther than their buggies could comfortably carry them.
Faith got out of the vehicle in front of the county courthouse in Millersburg. She had just enough money left to pay Samson when he took her home.
Her farm was on the market, but until it sold she wouldn’t have the money to rent a place in town. The extra money in her bank account had gone to pay the lawyer that was meeting her here today.
She glanced up at the courthouse. Three stories tall and built of time-mellowed stone, the building was capped with an elaborate clock tower that rose another story higher. A long flight of steps led up to the main doors on the second story. Narrow arched windows looked out over the well-manicured grounds and a monument to Civil War veterans.
As Faith stared at the building, her anxiety mounted. Behind which window would Kyle’s fate be decided?
She remembered Adrian’s words about holding on to her faith. Could she do it if it meant losing Kyle?
She closed her eyes. “May Your will be done here today, Lord. Grant me the strength to face the outcome, whatever it may be. Pour Your wisdom into the heart and mind of the judge that he may rule wisely.”
Did God listen to the prayers of someone about to turn her back on her faith? When it came time to tell the judge she would leave the Amish world in order to adopt Kyle, could she break her most sacred vow? She closed her eyes and saw Adrian pleading with her not to make that choice.
Why had God put this test before her? Hadn’t she suffered enough?
It took her a few minutes to climb the steps. Once inside, a friendly security guard directed her to the correct courtroom.
Mr. Reid, her attorney, waited for her in a chair outside the courtroom door.
He rose to his feet. His smile was polite. “Are you ready for this?”
Was she? Did she have the courage to speak up for herself and for Kyle? A second later, she remembered Adrian’s advice at her very first church meeting.
“If I were you, I’d go in with my head up and smile as if nothing were wrong.”
It had been good advice that day. She would follow it again. Putting her shoulders back, she pasted a smile on her face and nodded. “It is in God’s hands.”
“Indeed it is. I will do most of the talking. You may answer any questions the judge directs at you. Have him repeat it if you don’t understand.”
“Will Kyle be here?”
“He won’t be in the courtroom, but it’s my understanding that he will be nearby.”
“Will I be able to see him if the judge rules against me?”
“Let’s cross that bridge if we come to it. Are you ready to go in?”
Fear closed her throat. All she could do was nod.
Mr. Reid held the door open. The room beyond was paneled from floor to ceiling in rich dark wood. At the front, the judge’s bench stood on a raised platform. A large round seal was centered on the wall behind it. Flanking the seal were two flags, the United States flag and the Ohio State flag.
It wasn’t until she took a step inside the room that she realized she wasn’t alone. The few dark wooden benches were
filled with Amish elders. Around the outside of the room, three deep, stood more Amish men and women waiting quietly, some with small children at their sides or in their arms.
Many of the faces she knew from her own church district, but there were many people who were unknown to her. Faith stood rooted to the spot. What were they all doing here? As she gazed about, one man stepped forward from the group and walked toward her.
Adrian.
Her heart turned over in her chest. Tears blurred her vision. When he said he wouldn’t help she had been crushed. Why was he here now? Had these people come to denounce her?
She stiffened her spine. “Adrian, what are you doing here? Who are all these people?”
“These are your friends and your neighbors and the people you will do business with in the years to come. We are here to speak for you and for our way of life. The Amish way is a
goot
way for Kyle to grow up. He may have been
Englisch
when he came among us, but he is Amish in his heart and so are you. The judge must understand this. You do not have to face this alone, Faith. We stand with you.”
In that moment, Faith could not have loved him more. He had done this for her, gathered together people to speak on her behalf.
“Danki.”
“You are welcome,
liebschen.
”
The heat of a blush crept up her neck. “How can you call me dearest when you know I was ready to turn my back on our faith?”
He took her hand. “Because I must speak what is in my heart. Listen to God, Faith, and then speak what your heart says is right.”
Mr. Reid spoke in Faith’s ear. “We should take our places. It’s almost time to begin.”
Letting go of Adrian’s hand was one of the hardest things she’d ever done in her life. He gave her fingers one last squeeze and then went back to his place beside Elam Sutter and Eli Imhoff.
Her attorney led her to a small table just behind the railing that separated the judge’s bench from the rest of the courtroom. Caroline Watkins sat at an identical table on the opposite side of the aisle. She nodded politely to Mr. Reid but didn’t speak as she opened her briefcase and pulled out several files.
Faith sank gratefully onto the chair Mr. Reid held out for her but had no time to gather her thoughts. The bailiff at the side of the bench called out, “All rise for the Honorable Judge Randolph Harbin presiding.”
A small man with silver hair entered from the door behind the bench. He wore a dark suit and a bright green striped tie.
He paused for a second to survey the packed room in surprise before stepping up and taking a seat behind the bench. He beckoned to the bailiff, and the two men shared a brief whispered conversation.
When the judge was ready, he spoke to the entire room. “This is a hearing on the petition of Faith Martin to adopt the minor child, Kyle King. Is Mrs. Martin here?”