Authors: Alexia Purdy
Audrey
Nothing prepared me
for this. I couldn’t even imagine Liv getting involved with Jonas’ brother, Emilio. What the hell? For now, they kept it from us, from me and Saul, and somehow they kept it from Jonas too. On the last night of our string of performances at the Rave club, where we’d lucked out and were asked to stay on for a three week gig, I saw her and Emilio, kissing in the back of the club, out in the darkened alley where they thought no one would see or hear them. We’d finished one of the best sets of my life; our voices had never been more in tune, and we’d never played without so much as an error. It’d been absolutely immaculate.
Afterwards, Saul and I shimmied up to the bar for drinks and chatted with the bar’s owner, Luke. It was because of him we were getting renewed interest in our music and had booked another gig for two weeks at a rival bar, but Luke didn’t mind. He loved the idea of fighting over popular indie acts.
“You’ll be back. You’ll hate that dump so much you’ll beg to come back here.” He winked at me and placed a glass of beer in front of me without my asking. I accepted without protest, knowing he’d never take no for an answer. He kept us well fed in the alcohol department; not so bad for me and Saul, but Liv loved it.
“Oh, you’ll be begging for us to come back after the dreadful bands you get in here.” Saul raised his glass to Luke and hit back a swallow. I almost choked at his comment and stood up, turning red in a coughing fit. Saul’s concern was immediate, and he was at my side, patting me on the back. “You alright?”
I nodded, leaning forward, clearing my throat over and over again. The damn liquid had gone down the wrong hole.
“I’m okay. Going to get some air.” I waved him off and hurried out the back door, despite the worry on both Luke’s and Saul’s faces. Clearing my throat the whole way toward the back, I finally felt better as I reached the exit of the club, leaning my forehead on the cool metal fire door. The music from the band currently playing was echoing in the dark hallway, bouncing off the walls and filling it with a melancholy feel. I let out a slow burning breath. Hated it when my drinks went down like that. Felt like death was finally going to claim me.
I shoved at the door and let it slip shut behind me. It had a hydraulic hinge on it and didn’t give me the satisfying slam I’d hoped for. Blowing my cheeks out, I let my eyes adjust to the darkness of the dismal alleyway. It’d been raining the last few days, and the air smelled like moldy death here. Even the raunchy odor of ozone did nothing to make the years of garbage, debris, and use by the homeless as a piss pot back here any better. It was pretty horrifying and took some getting used to.
I slipped out the pregnancy test and stared at the double lines. For some sick reason, I kept the damn thing in the pocket of my vest. The tiny pink lines glowed dark under the pale moonlight and made the whole white stick stand out like a shiny knife in my hand. I shook my head, walked over to the sizeable trash bin, and tossed it in. The satisfying thunk against metal sounded off like a gong in the middle of the night. It was late, and I should’ve felt more apprehensive about being out in the dark alley by myself, but I didn’t. I wanted to be alone.
I never got the chance to tell Saul about the pregnancy. A few days after the test came back positive, I’d felt monstrous cramps and ran to the OB/GYN with tears, by myself. I’d avoided having a D&C, but the doctor had confirmed that I was no longer pregnant.
Why it’d left me devastated was an unfamiliar emotion. I’d never wanted to have kids so young, so why was I feeling empty and kind of cheated? I hoped it’d fade away with time, and it would happen when the time was better, but still, I’d gotten a tad bit too excited at the prospect of being a mother with a man I was insanely crazy about.
“Did you hear that?” A hushed whisper had me jolting to the brick wall by the trash bin and sucking in my breath. Someone else was in the alleyway.
“It’s probably a cat.”
Moments ticked by, and the silent listener stopped searching for me and continued their breathy rendezvous. It was my turn now to listen harder, but it didn’t take me long to realize what I was hearing.
“Emilio…”
“Don’t say a word.”
I gulped back the horror, realizing that my sister and her near constant companion, Emilio, were fucking out here in the dark. Her hushed moans gave it all away as the rustle of whatever they were lying on or leaning on moved from the friction.
I’d been wondering if there’d been anything going on between them. Jonas had visited but a few days ago, and though it pained me to watch Liv and him together, they seemed very subtle, almost happy. I’d even thought that Liv was doing an amazing job, tricking the Cartel leader into the charade of it all. He was smitten with her, from what I could tell right off the bat. He’d sat through several of our performances before duty called him away to the deep countryside of Mexico for some sort of business for days. Liv even appeared saddened by seeing him go, but I think it was just her Oscar winning performance.
Now, I knew what was bothering me this entire time. She was lying to everyone, not just me and Saul, not just Jonas and his group of elite killers, whose icy glares never warmed to us when Jonas dragged them to our bars for a night of moody music. That wouldn’t be enough for Liv. She’d have to pull the veil over everyone’s eyes, including mine. This fact alone made my heart clench, and the maddening anger surged through my veins, burning like lit gasoline as it pumped through me.
How dare that little bitch do this to us? We had a good thing going on here in Los Angeles. The bars were plenty, the music never stopped, and we’d gained a small following that wanted to see us perform every weekend and followed us from bar to bar. She was going to cause it all to implode on us if she didn’t stop what she was doing. Her and Emilio behind Jonas’ back wasn’t going to go unnoticed for too long, and if the wrong ears and eyes found them in this precarious position instead of me, what would happen to us then? What sort of wrath would Jonas pass onto his own brother and lover? What would happen to me and Saul? How thick did their blood run?
I ran across the way to the door of the bar, slipped my fingers into the crack where it hadn’t quite shut behind me, and slipped through again, hoping Liv and Emilio hadn’t seen me. Liv wouldn’t care, at least I think she wouldn’t, but I didn’t know Emilio that well, except that he was one of Jonas’ mercenary killers. How did I know this? I’d done my own research as well, and the word in town was Jonas’ cartel was a pretty unforgiving one.
Which meant eventually, the eyeballs posted all over town would definitely land on us all in due time. Just when the clock would run out on us, though, was a mystery I didn’t want to solve ever.
Liv
“Look at that!
Two stories!” I couldn’t believe my eyes as we pulled up to the pale yellow house with side paneling that’d been replaced recently and quaint small windows that reminded me of the tiny ones I’d seen in houses back on the east coast, when we’d visited some of Rachel’s relatives on one cross country trip. This house didn’t have the vast wrap-around porch I would die for, but the tiny porch out front with two rocking chairs slowly swaying in the breeze was as good as it got here.
“I fucking love it!” If I wasn’t already giddy, I’d be skipping around from the excitement. I held back, just because I didn’t want to make a fool of myself.
Emilio’s smile only added fuel to my happiness. I loved his smile and the wicked gleam in his eyes as he parked in front of the tiny picket fence yard, complete with a small yard of emerald grass and a bed of flowers lining the edges. It was love at first sight for me, and I couldn’t help sighing blissfully as I leaned against the truck’s door and memorized the house we could possibly rent.
Emilio had suggested we needed a more permanent place weeks ago. Saul had been dropping hints about the same thing. Audrey and I were reluctant at first, but then decided it was for the best since we’d be here for a while with a couple contracts already signed to perform at several fall festivals. The bars were busy at this time of the year, too. I was excited. We hadn’t had a permanent place to ourselves since Rachel got sick. I was more than ready to lay down some roots.
I wasn’t positive Audrey liked the idea, and surprisingly found her fighting it more and more as we got closer to finding a place we liked. If one of us was more likely to want to find a real home, I would’ve thought it’d be her. To find that it turned out so differently, that I was the one wanting a more permanent place, that I was the one needing to stay put and not roam about for once, was shocking. I think she found herself in a precarious position watching me be more like her and her more like me. I didn’t get it. I didn’t think she got it either.
“Let’s check it out.” The realtor waved to us from the porch since she’d just come out of the house, her mouth wide in a fake smile as she waited for us. Everyone was so fake, but they were paid to be fake, to always be nice, to let the customer win and never let them turn away from buying something. I gave her my own false grin and waved back at her. There was nothing to do but to get this over with. Maybe we’d have a nice house to rent after this.
“I’m so happy you guys were able to make it here for this one. It’s new on the market, and the owners moved out of town to retire and really want to rent it out to young folks like yourselves. It’s an amazing part of town, very hip and active. It’s perfect for roommates, too.”
We walked through the living room, which had a rustic feel to it, with high ceilings, wood beams to accent the vaulted height, and pale green paint on the walls with a different dark tan color to the formal living room in the front. The decorative banister led up to the second story, and wooden floors were throughout the bungalow. Tons of windows with wooden blinds kept it feeling warm, and the rooms were accented with smooth wainscoting along the walls. It was older, but it was well maintained with obvious love.
I was utterly in love with it and wanted the place to be ours immediately.
“What do you think?” the skinny realtor asked, whose name had slipped my mind…Sarah? Kim? I didn’t know, but she waited with her smile frozen on her face. I think her face was actually stuck that way, and I almost felt my own cheeks ache from the effort it took for her to do that all day long while showing houses. Her fingers clutched to her clipboard with a frightening tension, causing her knuckles to turn marble white. I bet she was gritting her teeth and suffered from TMJ headaches regularly. I bet she got enough sales throughout the day to live on; her clothes didn’t look cheap, and neither did her flashy necklace and the ginormous rock on her ring finger.
Or maybe her husband made a decent living. Still, I wasn’t one to get jealous, but I wondered how one lived such a life. I think I’d suffocate if I had to work the nine to five each day, doing something I loathed. Maybe I’d get lucky and never have to do that, ever. I hoped so. It would be the end of me otherwise.
“What do you think, My Love?” Emilio’s hand gripped onto mine gently, giving my fingers a reassuring squeeze as I glanced up to look him in the eyes. The warm love oozing out of them made my heart flip, and that moment made the entire room disappear, even Miss Desperate to make a sale realtor. I could stare into his eyes forever and never wanted to stop for the way he made me feel. It was ecstasy.
“We’ll take it.”
Audrey
I strummed my
guitar, cranking the pegs to tune the old thing to perfection. Liv sometimes used the digital tuner, but I liked to take my time and listen to the twang of the metallic strings as they vibrated like tiny storms infiltrating the air around me until the tone was right. It was therapeutic, and Lord knew I needed some therapy now.
The new house turned into home surprisingly fast. We found so much cheap furniture on websites like Craigslist and Facebook from nearby areas, our empty rooms now felt lived in. Couches filled our living room, while bookshelves, beds, dishes, and utensils beyond the usual plastic ware we frequently ended up using lined our cupboards and rooms. I still stared at the cabinets in disbelief to find actual ceramic dishes, plates, and mugs sitting there that were actually ours.
Ours.
“Is that a new song?” Saul stood at the doorway to my room. Well, actually it was our room, though unofficially. He walked in and slid down into the overstuffed chair in the corner, propping his feet up onto the ottoman. He looked tired, having spent the day outside cleaning up the backyard in one of the corners for a garden. It was a surprising thing about him, learning how domestic he was. Saul said it was soothing to work the land, and it kept him connected to the earth in some metaphysical way. I had the opposite of a green thumb, so I did my best to stay out of his way.
“What?” I stopped strumming and stared hard at the strings. I hadn’t realized I’d been playing a song I’d been slowly working on the last few weeks. It’d been since our day in the sequoias when I opened my heart to Saul in every way a woman could. The only way I could ever express it was to write a song. The fact that Saul had caught me singing the one that was all because of him made me fidget in my skin.
“That song. It’s new, but I’ve heard you humming it before. What is it?”
I let my head drop back down to the face of my guitar. Would he know it was about him? Would he realize just how twisted he has my head? I knew he most likely loved me back; it was a feeling that confirmed it deep inside, but we’d not said the words to each other yet.
Why not?
I bit my lip, afraid to answer my own questions. I didn’t know why not. Why not tell the man I love that I loved him? Why hide it deep inside? Was I waiting for him to say the words to me first? But it shouldn’t matter, really…should it? They are mere tiny words, letters smashed together that are supposed to hold some sacred meaningful bind for two people. Just words.
But words were important. They formed the sounds that came out of my mouth when I sang and poured my heart into them, belting away the letters I’ve arranged. These words meant so much more than they did on paper. Words were more than just a mishmash of sounds, syllables, and what nots…they represented every single thing that made me, my life, my mind, and my experiences. They meant so much to me that I felt like I would drown if I let them go too early from the gestation of my soul.
“Oh, yeah…it’s a new song, but it isn’t ready. It’s just…a little something I’m working on now and then.” I cleared my throat and smiled at Saul. I still did things I did around other people, like grin, smile, or wave at him, even with his disability obvious to me now, but I couldn’t help it. I wasn’t used to him yet. I wondered if I’d ever become used to him. I hoped not. I loved the way his presence made my stomach flip. Every little internal synapsis freaked with pulsating sparks of passion igniting, just from being in the same room as him. He did that to me, and I loved it. I never wanted to let that fade away. I hoped I’d never forget how he made me feel.
“Can I hear it?” Saul cocked his head to the side, a gentle grin melting my reluctance away.
“Yeah, okay.” Damn, I was such a softie. Still, he could’ve asked to hear it ages ago when he’d heard me humming it or singing it under my breath. Yet, he’d waited until I practically wanted to belt it out in my room from the intensity it was causing me. It was ready, ready to be sung with full voice. I was the one who wasn’t ready.
“Wait…I don’t know. It needs tweaking.” I nearly pulled the guitar strap over my head when Saul sat up and said my name with a tone that made me freeze in my movements.
“Audrey…It’s ready. You’ll blow it out of the water. Let it out.”
I watched him as he relaxed again and closed his eyes, presumably waiting for the song. The pressure pushed at me like a fierce lion, daring me to move from my spot and outrun it. I couldn’t outrun Saul, nor did I want to. I wanted to be with him every night, to hold him, kiss him, love him every minute he allowed me. The song itself was about this, the constant craving.
“Okay, but don’t laugh.”
“You know I won’t.”
I puffed out a breath and felt a surge of panic flit through me. I could do this, right? I could do it, just play, play the notes, one by one, chord by chord, and let the words form. I’d done it thousands of times before. I could do it now. That’s it, simple, easy peasy. I could do it.
“Alright…it’s called ‘Crave’.” I rubbed the pick in my fingers and began to strum, hitting the chords softly as my fingers worked down the strings. Here went nothing…
“This beat of middle night
Haunts like memory running
Out of control
Inside my soul
Sucking my life away
Heat in those words
Dig their way on in
Makes it right
Through the night
Leaves me craving more
Slightly affected
Close to rejected
There’s someone in there
I want to know
More than this
Something to wish
Your words I crave
More of it shows
Leave this craziness
Ride the wind instead
Where the road turns
Mistakes to learn
Stays along with me
Needing this to live
A bit of you, a piece of me
This fusion made
A perfect trade
In need once more again
Slightly affected
Close to rejected
There’s someone in there
I want to know
More than this
Something to wish
Your words I crave
More of it shows…”
Suspending the last note, I let it fade out naturally before ending the music. I couldn’t look at anyone, for now I had a larger audience. Liv was leaning against the doorframe, and Saul was sitting up fidgeting with the thick goatee he was sporting. I wasn’t sure what to feel except maybe to jump up and run. I hated putting my feelings out there like this, hated it. Now they all knew what was inside, and it made me feel like a freak.
“That was wicked.” Liv turned away and disappeared down the hall. Now I couldn’t decide if that bothered me more than her watching me sing my new song. I turned toward Saul, and seeing his grin bursting made my spirits brighten.
“She’s right, you know. You write the most amazing songs. True, natural talent.” Saul joined me on the bed and slipped his arm around my waist. I leaned my head on his shoulder, sighing with happiness as the anxiety immediately calmed. He had that effect on me, and it was better than any kind of drug I could take for it.
“Thanks.”
“I get the feeling you don’t believe me.”
I shrugged. “Of course I believe you. I just…I…” I groaned in frustration and jumped to my feet. “It was a personal song, not meant for anyone to hear it. Now that you have, I’m not sure what reaction I wanted. Maybe something more? I don’t know. It feels anticlimactic.”
Saul looked like he was thinking about what I’d said, and his silence filled me right back up with the anxiety that horded my brain when he first asked me to play the song. It’d been for him, all for him. It’d been of him and about him, for him. How much of my soul could I rip out and hand to him without him realizing it? I hoped it wasn’t going to take too much. The fall was full of pain.
“Audrey, you know I loved that song. I was sitting there thinking, if only it was about me.”
My eyes widened. “How could it not be?”
His instant smile made my heart flip. Could he think I didn’t love him?
He reached out and pulled me closer, his strong, firm arms gently holding me, and I melted into his chest, smelling faint cologne and his sweet skin. I wanted to kiss him but didn’t want to break the moment.
“I love you, Audrey.”
I looked up into his nearly colorless eyes, tears forming in mine. “I love you too, Saul. I’ve never felt like this for anyone else in my life. Tell me it’s not going to fall apart. Everything always falls to pieces.”
He nodded, letting my tear streaked face lean against his shoulder once more.
“I’ll always be here for you. Don’t forget that. I love you more than you’ll ever know, and I hope you can one day know just exactly how much. I’m so glad I took that ride with you and Liv that day at the motel. I could’ve said no and let my love drive away.”
I let the tears soak his shirt, leaving a snotty pile on his shoulder. I felt horrible doing so, but I couldn’t stop the tears from falling. He gave me the best present in the world that moment, and I didn’t want it to be over. The minutes turned into hours as we talked about our lives, until our bodies acted out the words, mingling in sensations I could never tire of. Then we laughed and chatted more, until we couldn’t hold our eyes open anymore and sleep took its turn controlling us into its embrace. Everything was alright. It was perfect because this was the only place I wanted to be, and as my mind drifted into the land of dreams, I remembered praying it would last forever.