Authors: Alexia Purdy
Audrey
I watched Liv
leave not long after Jonas and his posse did. My anxiety spilled over, and I downed another glass of wine to settle my nerves. I knew this was the beginning of another phase in our lives, but I wasn’t sure exactly what it involved. So Jonas had sold us away, for money—lots of it, of course. I guess we were more of a pain in his side than I’d thought. It was both thrilling and paralyzing at the same time.
“Ready to go?” Saul slid a hand onto my forearm and pulled me into his arms. Already, the execs were leaving one by one and the caterers began putting away the lunch they’d ordered for us. It was sandwiches, not the corner subway kind but the gourmet ones with the fancy lettuce and special vinaigrettes. This gave me a slight idea on how this particular record company ran things, and it was quite a relief. They spared no expense, and I hoped for the sake of our music and our lives, that it would be good for us in every way.
“Yeah, let’s get out of here. I need some air.” He smiled and waved goodbye to everyone. I followed suit, and we managed to slip out of the room without being stalled too much. Saul had a liquid way about him like that, allowing him to slip through life like it was nothing but water rolling off the sand. I wished I were more pliable like that. The stress I caused myself would kill me one day, I just knew.
Stepping out into the city sidewalk, I filled my lungs until they felt like bursting. It felt exhilarating…free. Standing in a big city like this, it was hard to not feel alive, feel like someone. It was so vast, majestic, and thrummed with so much activity, I doubted the concrete beneath my feet ever got any rest. We were going to be spending a lot of time here, which was a certainty, so why not enjoy it while it lasted?
Saul let me slip my hand into the hook of his arm, and we strolled along the city. It was barely afternoon, and we were done for the day. I was feeling amazing for the first time in months. I let the energy of the crowd fill up my soul, like it’d been empty and I’d let it pass my notice. Nothing was quite like this place, and the sweet smell of the end of winter made my soul feel relaxed more than anything else had in a long time.
“We did it, Audrey.”
I faced Saul as we paused in Central Park. The snow had melted away, and though the ground was muddy where puddles remained and leaves mucked up the ground, I didn’t care. It was still a joy to stroll outside, even in the cool early spring air.
“What do you mean?” I grinned sheepishly up to him, letting his delicious arms wrap around me.
“We escaped Jonas’ grip. He did it for us, without knowing it was all we wanted.”
“Liv is with him right now. What if he still wants a hold over her?”
Saul breathed out slowly, thinking on my words. “I don’t know, but I have a feeling he’s ready to move on.”
I pressed my face against his chest, letting his heat warm my cold cheek.
“And if Liv doesn’t want to let go? What then? And Emilio?”
“She’ll figure it out.”
I closed my eyes. “I hope so. It seems too easy to me. Too simple. Things are never that simple with us, Saul. Something bad always happens.”
He tightened his embrace and stroked my hair. “Don’t think that way. You have to think more positively.”
I pulled away and stared into his gleaming blue eyes. “I know. But things were always hard for us, always, no matter how hard we tried. Things go wrong. I get it. We’re used to it. I just hope things won’t go the same way this time.”
I leaned against him, the emotions fighting to spill over. Things had already gone wrong. My miscarriage had gnawed on me even longer than the last time. It still hurt with a vengeance when I thought of it. All I kept hearing were the words from my doctor’s mouth...that I’d never be able to have a baby, not without expensive interventions I wasn’t sure I wanted to go through. Maybe we could adopt. It would be better to help a child than spend endless droves of money on a dream that might never come true.
I still hadn’t told Saul about what had happened. What if he didn’t want that kind of life for us? What if he really wanted his own child? What then? And worse…what if he knew about my indiscretion with Random?
I shook the thoughts out of my head. Already they were turning rancid as they sat heavily in my mind. I was going to go mad if I didn’t tell Saul soon.
“Saul?”
“Yes?” His scent filled my nostrils, and I let it calm me as best it could. He felt so good to hold, to kiss and taste. He smelled amazing. It was easy to lose myself in him, and I’d get lost with him anytime if he’d let me.
“Can I tell you something?”
“You can tell me anything. You know that.”
I nodded, feeling my tears sting behind my eyes. Damn. I wished I wasn’t such an emotional wreck lately. Anything made me cry. When had I turned into such a lightweight?
“I wanted to tell you this a while ago, but never knew how to.”
“What is it, Audrey?” I peered up to find Saul’s face filled with concern. I knew then that it would never matter what I told him; he would love me back, always. How did I get so lucky? I didn’t deserve him one bit. Maybe we could get past this…just maybe.
“I was pregnant a few months ago. Actually, I’ve been pregnant twice since we’ve been together.”
“Okay, go on.” He waited patiently, listening hard for any further explanation.
“I lost both the babies, miscarried both. When I went to see the doctors, it was because of that.”
“Are you okay? Why didn’t you tell me?” His eyes widened as his arms gripped me tighter.
“I wanted to. I was going to—really, I was, but…then I miscarried them both and didn’t want you to hurt like I was hurting.”
“But you should’ve told me. I could’ve helped you, Audrey. I could’ve helped you get through it.” He pulled me closer, holding me so near I never wanted him to let go. “You don’t seem to be okay about this.”
“I can’t have kids. The doctor told me it would take a lot of intervention and there would never be any guarantees I’d ever have a child.”
His fingers toyed with my hair, sending shivers down my neck and spine. He was so calm, like a pillar that never crumbled. I wish I were as strong as him.
“I’m sorry to hear that, my love. I love you. You know that, right?” Saul continued to run his fingers through my hair, calming my nerves with each stroke.
“Yes…but…I was afraid to tell you because…” I choked on my words, hoping I could get through this.
“First, because I didn’t know if you’d be mad that I couldn’t have children, and second…because I didn’t know who the father was the second time around.” I waited, my heart bursting from my chest as I bit on my tongue, waiting for Saul’s response.
He took a step back and played my words back in his mind. “What did you say?”
“I’m sorry. I messed up. It was a one-time thing. I—I…”
“Who?”
I gulped as the tears flooded my face. “It was nothing. I swear.”
“Who was it, Audrey?” Saul took another step back, the look on his face tearing my heart to pieces. It was a mixture of horror, shock, and disbelief.
“It was Random. I swear it never happened again. I just didn’t know if the baby was yours or his. The first time…the baby was definitely yours. I swear. I lost them both. I can’t have children.”
Now I was babbling and sounding utterly pathetic. I couldn’t even manage to string a complete sentence together without sounding desperate. Each word, each heightened plea made my fight even more miniscule and futile.
Another step back. A shake of his head.
“Audrey, you…you were with Random? When? How could you not tell me?”
It didn’t matter now. He was not close to me anymore. I felt my shoulders drop, feeling the cold of the slight breeze weave through the tiny holes of the sweater I wore.
“Saul, I’m so sorry. I swear…it’ll never happen again. Please…don’t leave…”
He shook his head, making me stop mid-sentence.
“I loved you.”
My lips quivered, freezing in the sudden gust of wind.
“I know. I love you too.”
He kept shaking his head, looking stunned before he turned away, holding out his walking stick and hurrying away, tapping it madly on the concrete as he went. I watched him until he disappeared around the bend. I wanted to follow, but I couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe, and couldn’t feel anything anymore.
Why did I have to tell him everything? Why? What good had it done? I wiped my face on my sleeve, feeling the tears and snot freezing to my skin. Staring across the pond, I wanted to run into it and freeze to death. Saul had left, but it was all my fault. I’d chased him away. The only person I’d ever truly loved besides my sister was now gone.
He was the only thing that truly meant anything to me, and I had gone and screwed it up.
I let my sobs sputter inside me as I leaned on the railing, wishing again to fall into the frigid water and drown. The sun felt even colder as the moments ticked by, offering no comfort in my grief.
How could I lose Saul? How could I have ever thought it would be okay to do this to him? I’d lied, cheated, and treated him like garbage. I’d left him shattered, when I was the one who deserved everything I was being given now. This empty hole ripped inside my heart was all my fault.
Good things always come to an end.
Liv
“This two way street
Never seems to see me
Anymore…
Cars speeding by
Sending the rainwater up
All over the place…
Two roads, nowhere to go
Two ways to see
Where I would be
If I could move my feet…
If I could only feel
Something again
Where once there was
Real and steep
Now stuck on this
Two way street…
Waiting to meet
My destiny
I thought I met…already
‘Til I got let out
One stop too soon
And watched the red lights
Speed away
Fast as you can
Off you go into the night
Down the slick asphalt
Until the moon
Swallows you up
For pay…Away…
Down a two way street
Where devils meet
And never sleep
While watching me
Waiting patiently
For me to give up
And step into the street.
Two roads, nowhere to go
Two ways to see
Where I would be
If I could move my feet…
If I could only feel
Something again
Where once there was
Real and steep
Now stuck on this
Two way street…”
The strings vibrated long after the last chord as I tapped a beat on the wood of the guitar to finish off the song. Two Way Street was another new one I’d written and would be recording for Nobel Records. That is, whenever it was that we’d begin recording for them. It would be months away.
“It’s beautiful. Just like you.” Jonas sat on an armchair watching me the whole time. He was a good listener; sitting quietly as I sang my ballad. Good thing too, because nothing pissed me off more than being interrupted in the middle of a song. His two guards stood against the door and had been my audience too, but they didn’t move from their positions. Lonzo was one of them and watched us both with studious eyes. I didn’t know the other man working with him.
“Thanks, I have no words…” I slipped off the guitar, a gift from Jonas. It was perfect—a vintage collectable Gibson acoustic guitar. Not many of these were made, making it rare. It may have been old, but it played like it was freshly constructed and looked pristine. I loved it, and I’d squealed at the sight of it, propped on a stand in the middle of the room when we’d entered.
“I thought you might like that.”
“It must’ve been expensive.”
He shrugged, reaching over for his glass of scotch sitting on an end table.
“It was worth every penny.”
He took a swallow as he watched me admiring the guitar. I wondered if he was drunk, for he reeked of alcohol, but he kept his cool and didn’t appear affected by it. I didn’t care. I was in heaven.
“Are you happy you sold us to Nobel Records?” I picked at my nail polish, holding the guitar to my chest. I was like a kid in a toy store, clutching my treasure so no one could take it away. When Jonas didn’t answer my question, I peered up to find him staring hard at me. Whatever was going through his mind, regardless of what it was, that look made me shiver and shudder all at the same time.
“I can’t say that I’m completely happy with the way things are going, but it had to be done.” He tossed back the last of his drink and slammed it back on the table. I jumped at the thump, but remained planted on the floor with the guitar in hand. His eyes were glassy, filled with the redness exhaustion brings. If he hadn’t been sleeping well, what was the reason for that?
“Why?”
He leaned forward, scratching the scruff on his face. He was looking as bad as the day he’d sent Emilio away on business and rubbed it in my face. Watching him look not so together frightened me. I had to turn this around and steer him away from any other route if he was having any doubts about us.
“I guess you could say I won’t have as much of an excuse to see you anymore.” He tilted his head as his dark brown eyes shined back at me, like an animal sizing up its prey. “But it’s for the best and made me a great deal of money. Like a great investment has paid off.”
I didn’t know whether to get angry at his remark or rejoice. “So you just held onto us for money? Is that it?”
His eyes continued to gaze at me, narrowing, with nothing but amusement filling them up. One second he looked somewhat angry. Now he looked like he was going to start laughing.
“No, not just that, but it was a very nice bonus.”
Great. We were nothing but gold bricks to him.
I frowned. I’d never been someone’s cash cow, but it felt kind of dirty. I sighed and pulled the guitar strap off me before setting my gift back on its stand.
Jonas was already on his feet and holding a hand out to me. I took it, and he pulled me up to face him, holding me so close that I could smell the alcohol drifting off his breath.
“Do you miss me, Liv?”
I tried not to breathe or swallow. If I did, he might notice just how scared he could make me feel from just his proximity.
“Of course I do. I was wondering why you’d left me alone for so long.” My breathy voice must’ve satisfied him because he let go and chuckled.
“Good. I like to hear that from you.”
I waited, frozen like a dummy as he turned back, grabbed his glass, and headed to the bar. He returned with two drinks, one for him and one for me.
“Before we go to lunch, I want you to do something for me.”
“What do you want me to do?” I shivered and hugged my arms close as I waited for his proposition.
He sat back onto his chair, sipping his drink and smirking at the same time.
“I want you to seduce me. Take off your clothes. Dance for me. Make me want to fuck your brains out.”
I drilled my eyes into him, thinking about his raunchy request.
“And if I don’t feel like it?” I turned toward the guards at the door. They would have a perfect view of it all if he didn’t make them leave. I swallowed down a lump of sand before turning back toward Jonas.
He laughed but didn’t look very happy whatsoever.
“I don’t care what you think you feel. You’re still mine. Do it.”
“Can we be alone?”
His face hardened, and if he could turn frigid to fiery in a second, I saw it flash across his face.
“My guards stay. They won’t bother us. Besides, they deserve a show for all their hard work.” He waved me on and sat back again to watch.
Shit. I didn’t want an audience. I swallowed my fear and tried to pretend they weren’t there. It was bad enough I was worried he might discover my pregnancy and didn’t want to attract his wrath while in this condition. I didn’t argue any further. The burning coals in his eyes told me it would be a dangerous thing to do. Instead, I dropped my hands and began to sway to an imaginary beat.
He relaxed and sat back, watching me hungrily.
If a lion could savor its lamb more than this, I didn’t want to know.