The Color of a Dream (20 page)

“Welcome back,” the female paramedic said,
leaning over me. “You gave us quite a scare.”

Maybe it was a common reaction for a heart
transplant recipient, but I was keenly focused on the physical
organ inside my chest. Was it working okay? I swore I could feel it
pumping blood to all my extremities. I could hear the sound of it
in my ears.

Surely that was a good sign. Or maybe I was
too
aware of it. Not relaxed enough. I needed to calm
down.

“I had a heart transplant,” I managed to
explain from beneath the oxygen mask.

“We know,” the paramedic replied with a
smile. “We saw the scar and we’ve already spoken to Dr. Reynolds.
He’s on duty tonight and we’re taking you to Mass General right
now.”

“Not Waltham?” I asked.

“No,” she replied distractedly as she
checked a monitor.

The fogginess in my head began to clear as a
new wave of panic washed over me. “Where’s my daughter?”

“Your daughter’s fine,” the paramedic
replied.

“Is she here?” I tried to sit up but
discovered I was strapped down.

The paramedic leaned over me. “Just try to
relax. Everything’s going to be fine.”

My heart was racing. Surely alarm bells were
going to start ringing everywhere!

“Nothing’s fine,” I told her. “I need to
know where my daughter is and I have to be somewhere in the
morning. It’s important.”

“I don’t think you’ll be going anywhere,”
the paramedic said with an easy smile, as if I only had plans to
take in a sale at Filene’s.

“You don’t understand,” I pleaded. “I can’t
be sick right now and I need to know where Ellen is.”

I tried to pull the oxygen mask off my face,
but felt lightheaded and passed out before I could say anything
more.

“Who are you?” I asked incredulously as I
pulled my hand from the man’s grasp. “Let go of me.”

“Don’t worry,” he gently said. “Just try to
relax. Everything’s going to be fine.”

I was really tired of hearing that. I’d
heard it too many times over the past year.

“This can’t be happening.” I stared
pleadingly into his eyes. “I have to be in court tomorrow and I
need to be healthy. If there’s something wrong with my heart, can’t
we fix it on Friday?
Please
, for the love of God. I promise
I’ll come back. I’ll be here first thing in the morning, but you
can’t keep me here, and please don’t medicate me. I need to be
coherent. What time is it?”

Some mad impulse compelled me to look down
at the road beneath me, and I realized I was flying. In a dream
state.

“Oh
God
!”

Suddenly I became aware of the wind and rain
in my face.

Terrified that I was going to crash like a
dive bomber into the ground, I reached for the man’s hand. He
linked his whole forearm around mine and steadied me.

“Relax,” he said, sounding almost amused.
“You know how to do this.”

Of course I knew. I’d flown many times in my
dreams, but lately I’d come to believe Jesse was manning the
controls.

“Am I dreaming?” I asked.

“Yes,” he replied.

“Where’s Jesse?” I asked. “Is he all right?
The weather’s not good. He shouldn’t be flying.”

“I’m sorry, I don’t know,” the stranger
said.

“You don’t know him?”

Why I thought this man would know my husband
or have some knowledge of his whereabouts was a mystery. Clearly I
was out of my mind.

“What about Ellen?” I asked next. “The last
thing I remember I was calling 911 and she was asleep in her crib.
I shouldn’t be out here.”

“She’s fine,” the man assured me. “Your
sister is with her.”

“How do you know that?”

“I just do. Now you need to relax. That’s
the most important thing.”

I frowned at him. “Who are you?”

“Alexander,” he said.

I looked him over from head to foot and then
the dream ended abruptly. At least I
think
that’s where it
ended. I couldn’t remember anything else.

I woke to the sound of a heart monitor
beeping steadily and the sterile antiseptic scents of the
hospital—all so very familiar.

My eyes fluttered open. Everything was a
blur. The world slowly came into focus.

“Ellen?” I still had no idea where she was
or where I was. Then I remembered my dream. Was Diana with her?

“Honey…” Jesse leaned over me and kissed my
forehead. “Thank God you’re all right.”

“Am I?” I wasn’t entirely sure if this was
real. My head still felt fuzzy. I was groggy and confused. “Is it
morning?” I glanced toward the window and saw daylight.

“It’s the afternoon, actually,” he
explained, cupping my cheek in his palm.

I stared up at him with concern. “Did you
fly last night? I was so worried.”

“No,” he replied. “It was a miracle we
didn’t get any calls.”

Pushing the dream from my mind, I struggled
to focus on the present. “What about my court appearance? Did I
miss it?” The beeps on the heart monitor began to accelerate as my
stomach churned with nervous knots. “Please tell me Diana was able
to reschedule it.”

Just then Diana walked into the room with
Ellen in her arms. I let out a sharp breath of relief when I saw my
baby.

“Ellen…”

“You’re awake,” Diana said. “Thank
heavens.”

Ellen reached out with her pudgy little
hand. “Mumma.”

“Hi sweetie. I missed you!” It took all the
strength I possessed to convey an air of health and happiness when
I still found it immensely difficult to breathe, and I was anxious
about what had happened to me.
Was I in heart failure again?
I still didn’t know. “Come over here and give me a hug.”

Diana carried her to my bedside.

Carefully I sat up and was able to wrap my
arms around my darling little angel. For a long moment, I held her
close and celebrated the fact that my heart, despite all its
failings and weaknesses, was swelling with love. It flooded my
whole body with warmth and gratitude. I didn’t want to let go of
Ellen, but I knew I couldn’t hug her forever.

“I’m happy to see you,” I whispered in her
ear and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek. “Why don’t you lie down
here?” I patted the bed beside me and she snuggled down.

My bed was propped up so I was not lying
flat, but I could still feel an uncomfortable pressure on my chest
and I wanted to cough.

When Ellen spotted the IV tube sticking out
of the back of my hand, she reached for it. I quickly raised my
hand over my head.

“We can’t touch that,” I gently explained.
“It’s called an IV tube. It feeds me medicine.”

“
IB toob,”
she repeated before laying
her head back down on my shoulder.

I waited for her to settle down, then I
looked up at Jesse and Diana.

“What happened this morning?” I asked them.
“Obviously I missed being in court.”

Diana turned to Jesse. “Why don’t you take
Ellen downstairs to the cafeteria for a few minutes?”

“Yeah.” He approached the bed, lifted Ellen
into his arms and gave me a kiss on the forehead. “I’ll be back in
a little while.” He encouraged Ellen to wave as they walked out.
“Say bye to mommy.”

None of this was helping my current state of
unease.

“Please tell me what’s going on,” I said to
Diana as soon as we were alone.

She sat down in the chair beside the bed and
took hold of my hand. “This isn’t going to be easy for you to hear.
You’re going to have to be strong.”

“You’re scaring me.”

“I’m sorry, I don’t mean to, but there’s no
easy way to say this. It didn’t go well this morning. The judge
refused to reschedule and he based his decision on the fact that
you weren’t well enough to be there today.”

“I don’t understand,” I said, my eyebrows
pulling together as I frowned. “What did he decide?”

Diana squeezed my hand and took a breath.
“He awarded full custody to Rick and Christine. You have virtual
and supervised visitation rights only.”

Her words sank slowly into my consciousness,
but my brain shoved them out. “No. That can’t be right.”

“I’m sorry, Nadia.”

I shook my head at her. “No, that can’t be
what happened. I’m Ellen’s mother. They can’t just take her away
from me.”

Diana continued to hold my hand, no doubt
giving me time to digest what she had told me.

I lay there in a cloud of disbelief,
wondering again if this was a nightmare from which I couldn’t
wake—a nightmare that began when I caught that virus that destroyed
my heart. It just kept going on and on, week after week, month
after month.

“I must be cursed,” I said. “No one can be
this unlucky in a single lifetime.”

Though, to be fair, I’d had my share of good
luck, too. Especially lately.

But not today.

“I don’t understand how that could have
happened,” I said, “how any judge could be that unfair. And where
were you? Where was Bob? Was no one representing me this
morning?”

“I was there,” Diana replied, “and Bob did
everything he could. He fought hard, but none of it mattered. It
was almost as if Judge Cassidy had his mind made up before we even
got there, and I’m sure the result would have been the same whether
you were there or not. I know it’s unprofessional for me to say
this, but he’s an ass. And Rick’s lawyer didn’t have any official
diagnosis about what happened to you last night, but he kept
hammering away at the fact that you’re vulnerable to illness and
this proved it, and that Ellen needs to be in a more stable
environment. The judge agreed.”

“But surely if I hadn’t been sick…” I
argued, “if I’d been there on time this morning he would have ruled
differently. Don’t you think?”

Diana shook her head. “I don’t know.”

“Did Bob remind the judge that Rick had
cancer last year?” I asked. “Did he hammer the fact that Rick
wasn’t perfectly healthy either?”

“He did,” Diana replied, “but the judge
congratulated Rick on his recovery.”

“What about
my
recovery?” I shouted.
“I have a new heart for pity’s sake. I went to hell and back.”

Diana bowed her head. “I know. You’ve fought
so hard and have come so far. You don’t deserve this.” We sat
quietly for a moment while my thoughts spun through all the
logistics.

“Supervised visits?” I said. “Virtual
visits? What does that even mean? And will Rick and Christine be
allowed to take Ellen to California? When will I be able to see
her, and how often?”

Instead of answering my questions, Diana
said, “Don’t worry, we’re going to fight this.”

“Don’t worry!” I laughed bitterly. “How can
I not worry?”

My agitation caused the beat of my heart to
accelerate and the fluid in my lungs sent me into a coughing
fit.

Diana helped me sit up. A nurse came in to
check on me, but I was able to stop coughing on my own and she
left.

After all that, I realized I hadn’t even
asked the question I should have asked as soon as I opened my
eyes.

My heart… What was wrong with it? Was this
the end?

I lay back on the pillows and stared up at
the white ceiling. “Maybe the judge is right,” I said. “Maybe it’s
better this way.”

“What are you talking about?” Diana asked
reproachfully.

“Maybe it would be best if Ellen didn’t get
too attached to me. She’s so young and what if something happens to
me when we’re alone? No child should have to lose a mother. Maybe I
am
being selfish. Maybe I should be thankful that Rick is
willing to take her.”

“Are you insane?” Diana scolded. “Say
something like that again and I’ll tell the nurse to send you
straight to the psych ward.”

“But it’s true,” I said. “If I’m in heart
failure again it’s only a matter of time before—”

“Stop it right now,” Diana said, “because
you’re not in heart failure, you turkey head.”

I blinked a few times. “I’m not?”

“No. Your heart’s fine. It’s working great.
Better than great. You have pneumonia and Dr. Reynolds said it’s a
fairly mild case. But you were very agitated last night and you
fainted after you called 911. That’s why they had to sedate you.
You just need to rest up and he’s going to adjust your
medications.”

Sitting up, I shook my head. “But I had a
rash on my arm…”

“They looked at that too and they think it
might be an allergic reaction. They want to know what sunscreen
you’ve been using.”

I blinked up at the ceiling.
“
Sunscreen…?
I’m not dying?”

“No, you’re going to be okay.”

I covered my face with my hands. “Well,
that’s great, but why did this have to happen
now
? Of all
nights…”

“It wasn’t the best timing,” Diana said,
“I’ll give you that.”

I looked up. “When are they supposed to take
Ellen?”

Diana bowed her head and sighed. “Oh Lord,
Nadia. I wish I could tell you something different, but they’ll be
picking her up tomorrow morning.”

My eyes nearly popped out of my head.
“
What
?”

“They’re flying back to Sacramento on
Sunday.”

The fatigue that had plagued me over the
past week was swept away on a flood of adrenaline that catapulted
me to my feet. I yanked the IV tube out of my hand.

“You shouldn’t do that,” Diana said, also
rising to her feet.

“I can’t be here right now,” I explained. “I
have to find Jesse and go home.” I hurried to the closet. “Are my
clothes in here?”

“Yes, but you haven’t been discharged.”

“I’ll sign myself out. They can’t force me
to stay.”

While I picked up the bag that contained the
pajamas I was wearing when I called 911 last night, I let out a
huff of frustration and headed to the bathroom to change.

I could feel Diana wanting to follow me
inside. “You’re not going to do anything stupid are you?”