The Color of a Dream (19 page)

Ellen fell asleep in the stroller on the way
home. I didn’t want to wake her, nor did I want to leave her in the
yard because there were things I wanted to do inside. I knew I
couldn’t keep an eye on her from the kitchen, so I carried the
stroller up the steps with her in it.

When I reached the top, I set her down and
had some trouble catching my breath. I couldn’t seem to get enough
air into my lungs and the all-too-familiar sensation sent me into a
panic. My heart began to race and I had to sit down on the porch
swing.

I leaned forward, laid a hand over my heart
and whispered, “Please God, don’t do this to me now.”

I had to be in court in five days. Healthy.
At the top of my game.

Oh, what had I been thinking? I shouldn’t
have carried the heavy stroller up the steps. I could have simply
parked Ellen in the shade, set the brake and left her there until
she woke up. I could have sat here on the swing with a book.

I felt the urge to cough, and once it
started, I couldn’t stop. Quickly, I checked beneath the hem of my
loose-fitting jeans to examine my legs and ankles—because that was
one of the symptoms I’d experienced during heart failure. Fluid had
gathered in my lungs and caused my legs to swell.

My body looked fine below the knees and
eventually the cough settled, but my anxiety level remained high. I
was overcome by a terrifying sense of doom. All the questions that
had consumed me during my illness and recovery came hurling back to
my mind.

Why was this happening? What had I done to
deserve it? Was the Grim Reaper obsessed with me? Was his nose out
of joint because the surgeons at Mass General had sent him packing?
Was he now following me in the shadows, waiting for his chance?

Worst of all I began to ponder the
possibility that I might not live as long as everyone expected.
This could be it for me. Maybe that’s why I was given this new
heart and a second chance at life—so that I could be with Jesse and
know what it felt like to be part of a real loving family, however
briefly it lasted. Maybe this was to be my last hurrah.

I shut my eyes and leaned back on the porch
swing. Under any other circumstance, I would have called Dr.
Reynolds immediately, but my court appearance was in five days. My
medical records had to show that my prognosis was good. Now was not
the time for my body to start rejecting this new heart.

“I can’t believe how much I miss you,” Diana
said when she popped by that evening to drop off an extra bedside
table. She said she didn’t need it, which worked out well for Jesse
and me because we only had one. At the present moment we were
sharing a reading lamp that clipped onto the headboard.

“I miss you, too,” I replied, holding the
door open for her.

Though I was tempted to take the table out
of her hands, I forced myself to back out of her way instead. “You
can set it down here. Jesse will take it upstairs when he gets
home.”

“No, no,” Diana replied. “I’ll take it up.”
She plowed ahead to the staircase.

Ellen was toddling around the living room,
getting into things as usual. I couldn’t leave her, but I couldn’t
carry her up the stairs either because I was trying not to exert
myself, so I scooped her up and settled her in the activity center
where I knew she’d be safe. She must have been tired because she
didn’t object or throw a tantrum.

I followed Diana up the stairs to my
bedroom. She carried the table around the foot of the bed and set
it down by the window.

“The place looks great,” she said as she
straightened and pushed her hair away from her face. “It’s
gorgeous. Though you could use a new bedspread. This came from
Jesse’s apartment?”

She looked to me for an answer.

“Yeah, what can I say? He’s a guy.”

She ran a hand over the navy blue fabric.
“You should have something natural to sleep under. A hundred
percent cotton is nice.”

“I’ll look for something,” I replied.

I showed her what I’d done to the upstairs
bathroom and she loved the new shower curtain. She asked where I
got it and I told her about a cute little boutique here in
Waltham.

“Let me know if you want to have a painting
party,” she said. “Jacob and I could come over to help.”

“We may take you up on that…after we get
through next week.”

Naturally I was referring to the court date,
but I didn’t need to explain that to Diana.

We returned to the living room where we
found Ellen happily studying her fingers.

“Want some tea?” I asked Diana.

“Sure.”

We moved into the kitchen and I plugged in
the kettle.

“How are you holding up?” she asked as she
took a seat at the table.

“Fine. Trying to stay positive.” I opened
the cupboard to search for the green tea she liked best, but when I
carried it to the table I stopped in my tracks because I saw the
way she was looking at me. It wasn’t good.

“What’s wrong? Do I have something on my
face?”

She frowned at me. “No, but something’s not
right. Are you feeling okay?”

A hot ball of panic exploded in my belly.
“I’m fine.”

“No you’re not, and I can tell when you’re
lying to me. Are you sure you’re okay?”

I rolled my eyes. “Honestly, I’m just worn
out from the move.”

I set the box of tea on the table and turned
to fetch two mugs.

“When’s your next appointment with Dr.
Reynolds?” she asked.

“I don’t know… Next month sometime.” I
opened the cupboard door and stood on my tiptoes to reach the
second shelf.

Then I heard the sound of the chair legs
scraping across the floor behind me and braced myself for more
questions as I turned to face my twin.

Her palm landed on my forehead. “You don’t
have a fever,” she said. “No other symptoms?”

“None,” I replied.

“You’d tell me if there were.”

“Of course.”

Squinting doubtfully at me, she returned to
her chair and sat down. “Okay then. Let’s talk about the court
appearance. What do you plan to wear? I know it shouldn’t matter,
but it does.”

By now the kettle was boiling. I unplugged
it and poured hot water into two mugs—and was grateful for the
change of subject.

Over the next few days, my inability to
climb a flight of stairs without becoming winded continued to
concern me—but on the upside, it didn’t get any worse. Nevertheless
I was careful not to overexert myself. I avoided any strenuous
walks with Ellen until I could see my doctor; I got plenty of rest
and I tried not to foster undue anxieties about the court date.

That was perhaps the most challenging
component—but also the most important because it was crucial that I
stay strong and mentally positive about the outcome.

I also had to be realistic.

When Diana came over to deliver the bedside
table she prepared me for the most probable result of the custody
case—that no judge in his right mind would deny Rick his rights as
a father. Rick would be awarded custody, but at the same time, it
was unlikely he would receive
full
custody. I was still
Ellen’s mother and I was a darn good one. Of that, we were both
confident.

All the same, in the days leading up to
Thursday, I had to resign myself to the fact that Rick, Christine,
Jesse and I would be linked together forever as a family.
Thanksgivings, Christmases, graduations and weddings… We would have
to find a way to get along and I would have to share my precious
daughter with others. After Thursday, she would no longer belong
only to me. I would be required to consult Rick about many things,
as he would be required to consult me.

The night before the case came up in court,
as I sat down for dinner with Jesse, I knew it was time to discuss
what the future might hold.

“I’ve made up my mind about something,” I
said, “and I hope you’ll understand because what I want most is for
this to go as smoothly as possible.”

“That’s what I want, too,” he replied,
passing me the salad bowl.

Our eyes met across the table and I sensed
he was referring to tomorrow’s events while I wanted to talk about
the rest of our lives.

Spooning some cucumbers and cherry tomatoes
onto my plate, I soldiered on. “We both know that Rick will likely
win some rights tomorrow, and if that happens, I’ll want to forge a
new relationship with him and Christine. I know we’ve both been
burned by him, but I think it would be best if we try to move past
that.”

Jesse set down his fork and stared at his
plate. “I hope he doesn’t win anything, but if he does I’ll do my
best.” Jesse’s eyes lifted. “And I’ll be doing it for you and for
Ellen. Not for him.”

“Thank you,” I replied, though it wasn’t
exactly what I wanted to hear.

What I really wanted was to enter this new
chapter of my life with a positive outlook and assume the best, not
the worst. I wanted to give Rick the benefit of the doubt.

Given the circumstances, I had to believe
there was some good in him… There must have been something that
drew me in. Certainly, I’d made my share of foolish mistakes when
it came to the men in my life, but there had to have been at least
something
sensible in our brief relationship. Something that
was meant to be.

I also believed Rick and I had something in
common now, besides Ellen. He, too, had looked death in the eye and
survived.

Quietly, in my heart, I remained hopeful
that he
had
been changed by that experience, despite what
Jesse thought.

I didn’t say any of that out loud, however,
because I knew Jesse wouldn’t enjoy hearing it.

In any case, I was about to see Rick again,
in person for the first time since before Ellen was born. Jesse
didn’t know this, but I fully intended to greet him with a warm
smile, shake his hand and congratulate him on his engagement.
I—perhaps more than anyone—appreciated the importance of new
beginnings and second chances. I wanted to get off on the right
foot.

After supper, just before Jesse left for a
night shift, he held me tight in the foyer and kissed me. “I’ll
meet you at the courthouse in the morning,” he said, stroking my
hair away from my face.

“I love you,” I replied.

“I love you, too.”

When he opened the door a gust of wind blew
into the house. A cold, hard rain came down sideways and the
treetops swayed wildly.

“Be careful tonight,” I said as I watched
him pull his hood up over his head and dash down the stairs to the
car. I couldn’t imagine flying a helicopter in weather like
this.

“Always!” he called out as he got in.

I stood in the open doorway with my arms
folded against the chilling damp breeze. Jesse started the engine.
The headlights illuminated the dark yard as the wiper blades beat
across the windshield.

A moment later, he backed out of the
driveway and the red taillights disappeared from view.

Please be safe tonight
…

I shut the door and locked it, then went to
lift Ellen out of her high chair. “Come with me little monkey. It’s
time for your bath.”

With my hands cupped around her tiny hips to
keep her steady, I followed her up the stairs.

When we reached the top, I had to stop and
rest. Breathing was difficult.

I woke to a terrible nightmare.

Not a nightmare about flying through stormy
weather, but a real life ordeal where I couldn’t get enough air
into my lungs.

Stricken with panic, I sat up in bed and
fought to gulp in some oxygen. I coughed and wheezed and felt
certain I was dying.

The terror of such a thought paralyzed me.
I’d suffered heart failure before and I knew what it felt like.
This was the same, only different. I felt more desperate and afraid
because there was so much more to lose. A year ago it was just me.
Alone. Now I had a beautiful life with Jesse and Ellen—and a court
appearance in the morning to determine if I was fit enough to be
her mother.

Yet here I sat, unable to breathe, unable to
lift Ellen out of her crib if she needed me.

Swinging my legs to the floor and sitting up
on the edge of the mattress, I turned on the light and willed
myself to breathe deeply and calmly. By some miracle it seemed to
help. I slid closer to the bedside table, picked up the phone, and
dialed Jesse’s number.

After four rings, his voicemail kicked in. I
left a quick message. “Jesse, I’m not feeling so good. Please call
me as soon as you get this.”

Where was he?
Not in the air I hoped
because the wind and rain had so much force they rattled the
windows.

I hung up and called Diana. Thank God she
picked up right away. “Hello?”

“Hi, it’s me.” I was still fighting to
breathe normally. “I’m at home and Jesse’s at work. I can’t reach
him and I can’t breathe.”

“Stay calm,” she said. “Did you call
911?”

“Not yet, but I’ll do that as soon as we
hang up. Can you come over here? Ellen’s asleep. I don’t know
what’s going to happen and I need someone to be here just in
case.”

“I’m on my way,” she replied. “I’ll be there
in twenty minutes.”

“Thank you.” I hung up and immediately
dialed 911. Then I noticed the rash on my arm was back.

I have no idea what happened after I spoke
to the dispatcher. All I remember is describing my symptoms and
giving her my address. She told me help was on the way.

The next thing I knew I was lying flat on my
back, a siren was wailing, there was an oxygen mask over my face,
and I was bumping along on a gurney, staring up at the roof of an
ambulance.

I blinked a few times and struggled to make
out what was happening. I didn’t even know what day it was.