The Christmas Tree Guy (16 page)

“But you have been good, Mommy.” Travis twirled the crayon in his tiny little hand. “I thought Santa brings everybody stuff if they’re good.”

“Oh, honey, Santa does bring good people gifts, but mommies don’t really need anything, because what makes us happy, is if our babies are happy.” She reached out and pulled them both into her lap. “And you know what makes me happy?”

“No.” Both stared at her with their big brown eyes and it nearly broke her heart. They’d been through too much in their young lives. They hardly ever heard from their dad. Things were better now, but right after Matt left, the twins would cry and ask when Daddy was coming home, or why he left. For the longest time, she had to convince them it wasn’t their fault and their dad still loved them. She hated to lie to them, but she wanted to believe somewhere deep down Matt did love his children.

“You guys make me happy. Did you know that?” she teased, pulling them closer. A wave of emotion stuck thick like peanut butter in the back of her throat as she held her beautiful sons in her arms. “I love you so much and knowing you’re happy and healthy, that’s all Mommy needs. So don’t worry about Santa bringing Mommy anything. I have everything I need right here in my arms.” She tickled them and they dissolved into fits of laughter. Their tickle fight lasted for the next ten minutes before all three were tired and lay exhausted on the floor. “Okay, now it’s time for bed.”

“Okay.” Both put on their pajamas and climbed into their beds.

“I love you both so much.” She tucked them in and gave each one a kiss before turning on their night light and switching off the overhead light. “See you in the morning.” She walked down the hallway to finish cleaning up the kitchen. Her heart felt heavy as she reached the counter and she was not able to fight it anymore, feeling the tears roll down her face. She still couldn’t understand after all of this time, how Matt could leave his children. She loved the twins more than anything and she couldn’t fathom not having them, or not being able to watch them grow up. It still hurt to think of how he’d left her with no real warning at all.

“Look, Sydnee, I’m just not in love with you okay?
I didn’t want to have to do this. Just let me go.” Matt stood in the middle of the foyer with an exasperated look on his face and Sydnee struggled to understand what was going on. She’d just finished getting the twins down for the night, with no help from him yet again, and as soon as she’d closed their door and exited the room, her husband announced he was leaving her.

“Matt, tell me what’s going on. What do you mean, you’re leaving?”

“Sydnee, come on. You can’t tell me you didn’t know this was going to happen. This isn’t what I signed up for.”

“Matt, please. What am I supposed to do? What about the boys? Don’t you care about your children? They need their father.” She pleaded with her husband of ten years to explain his sudden decision to leave her and their children. Sydnee felt the hot tears prick the edges of her eyes and roll down her face watching him walk towards the door.

“Look, Sydnee, I’m not getting into this with you. I don’t owe you any explanations. You wanted this, not me.”

“Are you kidding me? Matt, how can you say that? You come in here and you tell me you’re leaving and that’s it? I’m just supposed to suck it up and let you walk out with no explanation or anything?” Sydnee stood next to one of the walls, which ironically was plastered with smiling, loving pictures of their little family, in disbelief as her husband strolled by her towards the door and there seemed to be nothing she could do about it.

“You have no choice in the matter, Sydnee. You can have the house and the boys. I’ll visit them when I can, but that’s all I can give you.”

“All you can give me? Are you for real? Matt what’s wrong? What did I do? Why are you doing this to us?” She reached for his arm in an effort to turn him to face her, struggling to keep her voice down so she didn’t wake the boys, but it was hard to control the rush of emotions flowing through her.

Shrugging her off, he looked at her with distaste. “Look, I’m done, okay? I don’t want you anymore. I don’t love you, and Cassidy’s waiting for me. I have to go.”

The words that flowed freely across his lips felt like he had punched her in her stomach and Sydnee fought to catch her breath. “Cassidy?” The name sputtered off her tongue with a bitter taste as she watched her husband stare at her with a disdain she’d never dreamed she would see in his sable eyes. “How could you do this to me? Our boys? Matt, please?” She could hear the faint sound of the toddlers waking up from the raised voices of their parents echoing off the walls.

“Sydnee, begging does not become you. I have to go.” He picked up his bag and walked out of the house.

“Matt, please, please don’t leave me.” Her cries ricocheted at her as the door closed and she sank to the floor in a heap. The boy’s cries mixed with her own as tears rolled down her face and she felt the loneliest she’d ever felt in her life.

Clenching her hands against her temples, Sydnee tried to block all of the old feelings resurfacing, but the tears kept falling and before she knew it, she was sitting on the floor in the kitchen with her back against the cold metal of the stainless steel oven door, sobbing. Every part of the pain and hurt she’d blocked out for so long seemed to come back in an avalanche of emotion and she held her knees to her chest, rocking slowly. Trying to gather her thoughts and calm down, she looked through a cloud of tears around the kitchen, and stared at the little sliver of light from the moon shining through the window above the sink. She absolutely hated to cry, and even worse, she hated to cry over Matt. It seemed like all she did since he left. She heard her cell phone ring and she reached for the countertop, pulling herself up, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand.

“Hello.” Her voice was barely above a whisper.

“Hey, beautiful. What’s going on? Are you okay?”

“Uh, yeah, I’m fine.” She sniffed hearing Quinn’s voice and she tried to compose herself, wiping away her tears.

“Come on, Syd, it’s me you’re talking to. What’s wrong? Are the boys okay?” She could hear the concern in his voice and she grimaced, thinking about their innocent questions.

“Oh, no Quinn, they are fine and I’m fine. I just took a bad trip down memory lane. Charlie and Travis started asking me questions about Santa and if he brings mommies gifts if they’ve been good.”

“Do you need me to come over?”

“No. I’m okay. I just let it get to me. It’s okay really. I’m fine.” It never ceased to amaze her how sweet and caring Quinn was. She still had her reservations about their relationship, but each day, he seemed to give her less and less reason to doubt whatever it was blossoming between them.

“I really hate that you’re hurting.”

“Oh, it’s not your fault. I shouldn’t let it get to me anymore.”

“Sydnee, you have feelings and they are valid. Matt hurt you and you’re still dealing with it. There’s no reason for you to make excuses for the way you feel.”

“Thank you.” He always knew exactly what to say to make her feel better and it was still mind blowing how much he seemed to care about her. They had known each other for such a short amount of time, where she’d been married to Matt for years and he’d never been as nurturing and caring as Quinn. “You always have a way of making me feel better.” Walking to her bedroom, she checked in on the boys who were fast asleep.

“I want to make sure you are okay. You mean a lot to me, you know that?”

“I think I’m starting to understand it better and better every day.” She replied as they talked for their usual hour before she hung up, changed into her pajamas and climbed into bed. She pulled the covers over her and thought of her conversation with Quinn. Maybe she was worrying for nothing. He was such an open and wonderful guy. Maybe she should just take Sara’s advice and relax.

As the days blazed by, Sydnee struggled to keep up. The boys were out of school for the Christmas break, she had finally wrapped up the ad she was working on for one of their biggest clients and it was Christmas Eve. She knew if no other night during the break, this would be the hardest to get the boys to sleep. They were in overdrive from the time their feet hit the floor that morning.

“Are you still going to the in-laws tomorrow?” Sara helped Sydnee herd the boys into the car so they could get something to eat. She and Sara had taken them ice skating and now they were going to grab a pizza before heading home. They had plans to spend the rest of the evening icing cookies for Santa and watching Christmas movies and cartoons.
      

“Yes. We are supposed to go there in the afternoon.” She looked back to see if the boys had gotten their seat belts fastened and turned on the video they were watching earlier, then added in a softer voice so only Sara could hear, “They are spending the night with Grammie and Grandpa, but they don’t know that yet. It’s a surprise.”

“They will love it.” There was no question how much Leanne and Charles loved to dote on Charlie and Travis. They weren’t only their grandchildren, but their namesakes as well. Matt was adamant he would never name his kids after himself. Instead, they chose to name Charlie after her father-in-law Charles, and used Leanne’s maiden name for Travis. Both were overjoyed and flattered they wanted to name the babies after them.

“Yes, Leanne and Charles are so good to us, I don’t know what I’d do without them.”

“You do have a great set of in-laws. So, is your mom coming to town at all?”

“Actually, this is her year to spend Christmas with Kellen and his family. Thank you Lord. They went to St. Thomas this year. It was his present to her.” Sydnee absolutely adored and loved her mother, but the relationship was never quite what she hoped it would be. She spent her life trying to do everything right to receive the acceptance she so desperately wanted from her mother. She did the debutante balls; she went to the college her mother wanted her to go to. Everything she did, she did to please her mother, but it never seemed to be enough. And it never failed, when Carroll visited, Sydnee would end up feeling inadequate as a mother by the time her own left town.

“Oh, come on, Syd, she isn’t that bad.”

Glancing over at Sara with a deadpan stare, Sydnee paused before pulling the car out of the lot. “Not bad? She still thinks I should have done more to keep Matt at home. That I need to try harder to get him to come back so the boys can grow up with their mother and their father. I hear it far too often.”

“Are you serious?”

“Um, hmm, it’s like it’s my fault he cheated on me and left, and she can’t understand why I’m not doing more to get him back.” Sydnee inwardly cringed, just thinking of the constant barbs her mother showered on her with each bi-weekly phone call.

“Wow, talk about having multiple personalities. She always seems so sweet when I’ve talked to her.” Sara sat looking out of the front glass and Sydnee could tell she was dumbfounded by the new knowledge. Carroll never let a moment slip by that she wasn’t peppering Sydnee with some guilt-laden retorts.

“Believe me, she shows you the side she wants you to see.” Sydnee sighed, relieved she wasn’t going to have to deal with her mother during the holidays. It was stressful enough.

“So, I’m guessing you didn’t tell her about Quinn?”

“Are you kidding? No. He’s too young and too white for her to handle.” Sara laughed at Sydnee’s explanation and Sydnee glanced over with a wry grin.

“What are you going to do? If you guys get serious at some point, she’s going to find out about him.”

“I’m not ready for that yet. Heck, I’m just now getting used to whatever it is we are doing myself.” Sydnee laughed, thinking about introducing her mother to Quinn. There was no way that would go well. Sydnee was pretty sure Carroll was not going to be excited about her seeing a young white man. She’d grown up in the South and even though Sydnee hadn’t experienced the harsh level of racism Carroll had, her mother was scarred by the ugliness of it. Sydnee and Kellen were told stories of the things not only her mother had endured during integration, but of the horrible treatment of her grandparents growing up in rural Georgia. She hated the fact that racism had given her mother pause to trust people of other races, especially the white race. Carroll was pleasant enough in public, but it seemed she held a quiet contempt for anyone of Caucasian descent. As a youth, Sydnee walked the thin line of being open and accepting of all as well as walking under the umbrella of protection her mother believed she needed. Sydnee couldn’t fault her for it, because of her mother’s experiences, but she tried to keep an open mind about race relations. It was something they didn’t see eye to eye about and it caused tension between the two. Clearly, it was going to create even more now that she was seeing Quinn.

“Well, I know she wishes she could be here with you.”

“Maybe, maybe not. Kellen has a better relationship with her than I do, so it’s no real biggie. I wish it was better for the boys’ sake, but it is what it is.” She wished she and her mother had a better relationship than they did, but Sydnee just wasn’t sure how they would ever get to that point. It was a longstanding dream of hers. For her and her mother to share the kind of friendship many mothers and daughters shared. She wanted to be able to talk about anything with Carroll, but anytime the opportunity presented itself, Sydnee would end up on the receiving end of an ‘I told you so’ session.