Read The Charisma Myth: How Anyone Can Master the Art and Science of Personal Magnetism Online
Authors: Olivia Fox Cabane
Expressing Appreciation
Way back in 1936, Dale Carnegie wrote the now-classic book
How to Win Friends and Influence People.
Though his original guidelines have since become clichés, some fundamental principles still hold; and in the case of praise, Carnegie’s writings are just as applicable today. He writes: “We all crave honest appreciation. It’s a gnawing and unfaltering human hunger; and the rare individual who satisfies it will hold people in the palm of his hand.”
This simple recommendation is supported by recent science. People are indeed incredibly susceptible to praise. In fact, Keise Izuma’s research showed that hearing a
computer
tell people “Good job!” lit up the same reward regions of their brains as a financial windfall.
2
The most effective and credible compliments are those that are
both personal and specific. For instance, instead of “Great job,” you could say, “
You
did a great job,” or, better yet, “The way you kept your calm when that client became obnoxious was impressive.” The more appreciation you express and the more you show them the impact they’ve had on you, the more they will like you and feel invested in your success. They’ll rationalize in your favor. When you show people how they’ve impacted you, they feel that they’ve in a sense
made
you. This sense of ownership gives them a vested interest, and they identify with you; you become part of their identity. Therefore, they feel more responsibility for ensuring your success.
Making people rationalize in your favor is a classic marketing technique often employed by commercial airlines. As they welcome us to our arrival city, the pilot or flight attendants now often say: “We know you have many airlines to choose from, and we thank you for choosing to fly with us.” Hearing their appreciation reminds us that we had a choice, and that
we
chose
them
. What’s the result? We will tend to view the airline with greater favor because, after all, we chose it, and we hate to be wrong. Remember John Kenneth Galbraith’s quote about our strong preference to prove ourselves correct rather than change our minds. Most of us would much rather decide we’re happy with our choice of airline than find fault with our decision.
Reminding people that they had a choice and that
they
chose you, your company, your service, or your suggestion is one of the most useful tools to maintain their support for you or your idea, particularly when the going gets rough and people start complaining.
And remember, this process also works in reverse, so avoid making other people feel wrong. If someone feels like they’ve done you harm, they will seek to rationalize their actions and will convince themselves that what they did was justified. They don’t want to feel like a bad person, therefore you must have done something wrong in order for them to act this way toward you. Few people will blame themselves no matter how wrong they may be—even notorious gangster Al Capone saw himself as a public benefactor.
You can use rationalization not just for yourself but for the idea you’re supporting. By showing someone the impact they’ve had on a project or an idea, they will feel a degree of ownership of it, and then
instinctively will feel driven to support it. Show them how it changed as a result of their involvement, their actions, or their recommendations. Change is the sign of impact. As soon as we create change, we have created impact.
Better yet, show the person how this idea or project was, at its very core, in its very source, inspired by what they did in the past—a similar idea, project, or initiative they supported.
This is what Peter did with the chairman of the firm’s French branch. He highlighted all the ways in which the endeavor was not just similar to but in fact inspired by past initiatives that the French contingent had launched.
Don’t Go in Unprotected
As with all toxic substances, toxic people should indeed be “handled with care.” Not for their sake, but for yours. Dealing with a difficult person, like any hostile situation, can activate your stress system, sending adrenaline flooding through your body. And that can be a killer.
Dr. Redford Williams, professor of psychiatry at Duke University Medical Center, spent more than twenty years studying the impact of the mind and emotions on health. “Getting angry is like taking a small dose of slow-acting poison,” he concluded. It leads to higher blood pressure and arterial damage, and it spurs cholesterol-filled fat cells to empty into the bloodstream. In brief, hostile feelings are apt to harm your health unless you know how to handle them.
To counteract the stress hormones that could flood your system, impair your mental functioning, and generate negative body language, flood your system with oxytocin instead. To do this when dealing with a difficult person, get into empathy and stay there. You can use any of the compassion-accessing tools you learned in
Chapter 5
. It might also help to consider that this person may well be in a state of utter self-loathing. The internal world of difficult people can be pretty nasty—that’s the very reason they’re difficult. If their mental climate were one of peace and love, they’d be exuding warmth instead. Hostility is often nothing but the external manifestation of internal turmoil.
If you need a compassion boost, consider an alternate reality.
Imagine that just a few hours ago they saw a beloved parent die. Remember, it’s not for their sake that you’re doing this but for yours. It will reduce the level of toxicity in your body and make the experience less frustrating for you. You can go back to this technique anytime you feel your frustration level rising.
Getting into empathy will protect your mental and emotional state, and give you the right body language throughout. If you’re in an adversarial mindset, this will be written across your face. Empathy will help you get into a collaborative mindset instead, giving you a great body language in addition to making the interaction far easier to handle. This is why kindness charisma can be a surprisingly effective tool in dealing with difficult people.
Maria, a young MIT graduate who’d recently joined a new company in Boston, told me she combined several of the tools to alleviate the resentment she felt toward two of her colleagues. “They’re good people, but their behavior really got me angry. And because they didn’t apologize, the resentment just kept building.” She didn’t feel quite confident enough to demand an apology, but couldn’t let this resentment simmer either, because she needed to work well with both of her teammates.
So Maria wrote a venting letter to get everything off her chest, describing in detail how she felt about the situation. Then she wrote out their imagined return apologies. “Writing the letter and receiving the apologies felt so liberating! I had a surprising feeling of satisfaction and could really feel the resentment dissipate.”
The next day, in the hour before her team meeting, she reread the apologies and used the zooming-out technique to see the whole situation from afar, to see how small the whole thing really was. Finally, she visualized a warm moment of triumph. She also told me that during the meeting, imagining both of her colleagues with angel wings really helped. “This was a test for me. And it worked! I cannot tell you how different the experience and the outcome were. I cannot tell you how good it felt. I know I both felt and showed warm self-confidence. Wow.”
Let’s go back to Peter. By early September, he had met with every one of his board members. He’d used a slightly different mode of charisma with each, and he told me: “Well, they all
sound
like they’re
on board. But of course, I might be wrong—and one never knows what could happen during the meeting.” Peter left nothing to chance. In the hours leading up to the big board meeting, he made sure his calendar was as charisma-inducing as possible, using the tools from the “warming up for key moments” section (see page 93). Just before the meeting began, he spent fifteen minutes getting into the right mental state.
He told me later: “When I walked into that room, I could
feel
the confidence, warmth, and calm radiating from me. It was amazing.” As it turned out, the CEOs now felt so invested in the new direction he wanted to take the firm, all he had to do was sit back and let
them
push for it.
Delivering Bad News
It was one of those rare cases where I got to hear both sides of the story.
One summer afternoon, Xavier started our coaching session with a request. “There’s a voicemail I got a few hours ago that’s been really bugging me. Would you mind listening to it and helping me get into a better mental state before I return the call? It’s from Susan.”
This is the message that Susan had left: “Xavier, I want to talk to you about your memo. I have bad news—well, I shouldn’t say that, but it’s something you may find insulting, and I guarantee I do not intend it that way. Anyway, call me back.”
Ouch. Can you spot Susan’s mistakes? First, she was creating highly negative associations: her message was unpleasant from beginning to end. Second, she had fallen into the white-elephant trap by telling Xavier he “shouldn’t” feel insulted. Because our brain can’t unprocess information it has received, it’s likely that the word
insulted
is what Xavier’s mind recalled most.
Third, by being vague in her message, Susan was letting Xavier’s mind imagine the worst. With a brain wired to look out for the negative, when we hear “It’s bad news,” our brain automatically starts thinking of the worst possible scenarios.
Susan was also part of the team I was coaching, so when I saw her
next I explained: “Put yourself in Xavier’s place. Imagine getting a voicemail announcing bad news and being insulted, without any explanation. Yes, you’ve certainly grabbed his attention. But what kind of emotions do you think he’ll associate with you from now on? Every time he thinks about that message he’ll think about bad news and being insulted. Is that really what you want to be associated with in Xavier’s mind?”
You won’t always be able to choose the time and place for your difficult conversations. But when you can, by all means, consider both timing and location. Before you pick up the phone or sit the person down to talk, take a moment to imagine what mental state they might be in.
If you know they’ve just had a very rough, stressful, or tiring twenty-four hours and you can wait a day, do so. I’ve experienced the difference between receiving tough news on a day when I was operating well and on a day when I was sick or tired. In the latter case, the news was much harder to bear—molehills felt like mountains.
Before delivering bad news, think about the setting, remembering that people will transfer their feelings for the environment to the experience itself. As much as you can, choose a comfortable location. Don’t try to hold a difficult conversation in a noisy place such as a train station or an airport.
Do whatever you can to increase their comfort. You can even use props for this. Have you ever noticed the way that people fidget with items in their hands or with their clothing—for instance, toying with their shirt buttons when they’re in the middle of a difficult conversation or when they’re having trouble expressing themselves? What they’re subconsciously doing is finding objects on which to focus their mind to distract themselves from the discomfort of their immediate experience. Make it easy for them by having objects close by with which they can play, and thus more quickly feel at ease, while conversing with you. They won’t even realize what’s happening, and yet they’ll sense the interaction become easier and more comfortable.
I always have Play-Doh on hand for people to play with when they come see me. It’s particularly helpful with people who are naturally
shy or when the conversation is difficult. It’s fascinating to see throughout the interaction the way they’ll bring their focus back to the Play-Doh in their hands whenever they’re feeling a bit awkward and need to relieve the intensity of their discomfort.
Candles and firelight have the same positive distracting effect. This is why they’re so prized in romantic situations, when comfort and ease are key. These constantly moving elements give people the feeling that there’s something happening in the background that they can turn their attention to when they need a distraction. Background music, of course, serves partly the same purpose.
When you’re delivering unpleasant news of any kind, your body language is everything. Remember the way negative performance reviews delivered with positive body language were far better received than positive reviews delivered with negative body language? In stressful situations, your body language carries far greater impact than your words. When the stress system is activated, a more primal part of the brain takes over, which does not directly comprehend words or ideas. Instead, it’s immediately impacted by body language.
The right body language for delivering bad news is one of warmth: care, concern, understanding, and empathy. Essentially, demonstrate as much kindness charisma as you can. The worse the news, the more important it is for the recipient to feel that you truly understand them, and that you are there with them. This is where the internal tools of goodwill, compassion, and empathy come in.
The right verbal language for delivering bad news depends on what kind of difficult message you have to deliver. In most cases, you can follow the suggestions covered in
Chapter 8
: make the message relevant to them; use their words, analogies, and metaphors. If you’re delivering this message to a larger audience, go to page 000 for the section on presentations.