Authors: Alex Coleman
“It’s
a
shocker,
isn’t
it?”
Eddie
said,
still
staring
at
the
ground.
“Forty-five
years
of
age.
Pathetic.
”
I recovered the power of speech. “It’s sad, that’s what it is.
”
He looked up at me. “Oh. I didn’t think you were going to agree with me.
”
“No, Eddie, Jesus, I mean it’s sad as in heartbreaking, not sad as in …
sad
. How did … I don’t understand how …
”
“Just never happened. What can I say?” “But when you were a teenager . . .?
”
“Not when I was a teenager, not when I was a twenty- something, not when I was thirty-something … and so on.
”
Right on cue, a young couple walked past hand in
hand. I
spoke up quickly, hoping to distract his attention
.
“Could be worse. I had twins when I was a teenager.” His reply was instant: “That’s not worse, Jackie.
”
I was about to protest but thought better of it. He had a point. “You just didn’t go on dates, is that it?
”
“That other woman I told you about? My dad’s nurse?” “Yeah.
”
“That was in 1993. The last time before that was about 1988, maybe even 1987, I’m not sure. And
that
was my first ever. I’ve been on three dates in my life.
”
I tried not to look shocked. “But, dates aside, surely there was a game of spin-the-bottle or some drunken –
”
“Jackie. This is hard enough without you not even believing
me.
T
rust me. I’d have remembered
if it had happened.
”
“I’m
sorry,
Eddie.
That
was
a
stupid
thing
to
say.”
I
saw an
opportunity
to
compliment
him
then
and
grabbed
it.
“I’m
just
saying,
with
all
the
creeps
and
losers
out
there,
I’m surprised
that’s
all,
I’m
surprised
that
a
kind,
decent
bloke like
you
has
…
missed
out.
”
He
didn’t
reply.
I
guessed
that
the
same
thought
had
occurred
to
him
long,
long
ago,
but
he
was
too
modest
to
agree.
“So
finish
your
story,”
I
said.
“She
asked
you
back
to
hers
…
”
“And I just panicked. I know what you’re going to say. You’d think I’d have jumped at the chance, but –
”
“I wasn’t going to say that. You must have been really on edge. The unknown and all that.
”
He gave me a half-smile. “See? I knew you’d get it. She asked me back and my stomach churned. We’d been getting on so well and now all I could see was me making a complete mess of it. She’d be able to tell as soon as I … started. There’s just no way she wouldn’t be able to tell. Is there?
”
This was a real question. I was determined to give a good answer. “There is such a thing as a natural, you know. I remember when the kids were about twelve, we all went out to play pitch ‘n’ putt one day. We were all hopeless, except Robert. Now I’m not saying he was getting holes in one or anything, but you could tell by looking at him, the way he swung the pitcher or whatever it’s called – he was just naturally good at it. People were telling Gerry and me that he could be a professional golfer if he kept it up. Which he didn’t, of course. He never keeps anything up, that one.
”
Eddie didn’t look impressed. I wished I had a better example than pitch ‘n’ frigging putt
.
“I don’t think I can rely on being a natural,” he said. “Not at this. Not at anything.
”
His confidence in me was obviously shaken
.
I tried a different tack. “Well, how about this: for all you know, she’s just as inexperienced as you are.
”
That was no good either
.
“I
know
for
a
fact
she’s
had
at
least
one
boyfriend,”
Eddie said,
“because
she
told
me
about
him.
He
was
a
real scumbag.
Went
out
with
her
for
a
few
months
then
dumped her
over
the
phone
and
never
gave
her
CDs
back.
Even
if
he was
the
only
partner
she’s
ever
had
–
which
I
severely
doubt
she’s
still
a
long
way
down
the
track
ahead
of
me.” “You
never
told me
how
it ended.
”
“Sorry?
”
“On the street outside the restaurant.” “Oh. I just made up an excuse.” “What did you say?
”
He made a face like someone sucking a lemon. “It was the first thing to come into my head.
”
“Go on.
”
“I said I had a tummy bug.” “That’s not so bad.
”
“Yes, it is. When people say ‘I’ve got a tummy bug’ what they really mean is ‘I’ve got the raging squits’.
”
He had me there. I could think of nothing to say but “Hmmm”
.
“So not only did she have to toddle off home on her own, she was left with an image of me glued to the pot all night with bad guts.
”
“Well, people do get sick, Eddie, it’s not a sin.
”
He ignored that. “And I’ll tell you what was worse. She started asking all sorts of questions. Why hadn’t I mentioned it before? How come it hadn’t been bothering me up until then?
”
“And you said what?
”
“I said it had been coming and going all day. There was more imagery she could have done without. What the hell’s the matter with me? Last time it was Dad’s impacted colon and now it’s my dose of the trots. Every time I go out with a woman – every decade or so – I wind up on the subject of … bums.
”
“It’s unfortunate. I’m not saying it isn’t unfortunate. So how did you part?
”
“Once I finished answering her diarrhoea questions, I just sort of backed off, waving. She looked awful confused. She took a little step towards me again so I turned and … well … sort of … ran away.
”
“You’re exaggerating for comic effect, I presume …” He shook his head miserably. “Not really, no.
”
“You
literally
ran away?” “A wee bit, yeah.”
“Oh.” I gave it some thought. “Well, we’ve got one thing going for us at least.
”
“We?
”
“You, then.” “I prefer
we
.
”
I melted again. “We’ve got one thing going for us and that, if you ask me, is the very fact that you used that particular excuse.
”
“Don’t follow.
”
“For a start, it’s embarrassing –” “It sure is.
”
“No, I mean it would be embarrassing if it was true. So that gives you a lot of leeway for acting a bit … odd. And, number two – so to speak – it helps explain why you ran off at the end. You needed the loo.
”
Eddie chewed on this for a moment. “Let me see if I’ve got this right. You’re saying that, assuming she answers the phone to me, I shouldn’t avoid the whole diarrhoea thing, I should try to use it to my advantage.
”
“Exactly.
”
“To
be
honest,
I
had
my
heart
set
on
avoiding
it.” “Tough.
Eddie,
you
can’t
call
her
up
and
act
like
nothing
peculiar
happened.
She
threw
herself
at
you
and
not
only
did you
not
take
her
up
on
it,
you
started
babbling
about
your tummy
and
then
ran
off.
I
guarantee
you
she’s
sitting
at home
today
thinking
He
could
have
just
told
me
he
wasn’t interested,
there
was
no
need
to
start
making
up
silly
excuses
.”
“Oh God …
”
“I haven’t finished yet. Then she’ll be thinking
On
the other
hand,
no
man
in
his
right
mind
would
tell
you
he
had
a
tummy
bug
i.e.
the
raging
squits
if
it
wasn’t
actually
true
. You see?”
He looked out across the park again and I saw the beginnings of a smile. “Yeah … yeah, I see what you’re getting at.” He turned towards me again. “You’re
very
good at this.
”
“It’s just common sense, Eddie, really.
”
“Yeah. I’ve never been too good on the old common sense. Em . . . Jackie?
”
“What?
”
“Are you in a hurry to get back home? Back to your sister’s, I mean? Sorry.
”
“Not really, why.
”
“I don’t want to impose much more, you’ve been a great help and God knows you have enough on your plate without –
”
“What is it, Eddie?
”
“Well,
I
was
wondering,
seeing
how
I’m
so
nervous
and
all
…
I
was
wondering
if
maybe
you
and
me
could
practise
it together
first.
”