“That was sneaky,” she said drowsily. “I didn’t even feel you move.”
“I took origami lessons when I was a kid.”
She was so out of it it took her a moment to understand he was joking. “Origami. Funny.”
“I thought so.”
She started to sit up.
“Stay where you are. I’ll see myself out.”
“I can’t let you cook me dinner then rub my feet for hours on end and not see you out.”
“Yes, you can. Stay where you are. That’s an order.”
He’d crossed to the couch to stand over her and she stared up at him mutinously.
“If I’m supposed to be intimidated by the looming-over-me thing, you can think again.”
She stood, only realizing when she did so that it meant they were standing chest to chest, only a few inches between them.
“I won’t ask if anyone has ever told you you’re a pain in the ass. You’ll only take it as a compliment,” Ethan said.
She tried to take a step backward, but the couch was against her heels and she lost her balance. His hand closed around her upper arm to stop her fall. He was smiling, clearly amused by her.
“Idiot,” he said.
Then he lowered his head and kissed her once, very hard, on the mouth.
He looked as surprised as she was when he lifted his head. For a moment they stared at each other, then Ethan’s gaze slid to her mouth again.
“Alex,” he said, so quietly she almost didn’t hear him.
He lowered his head again. This time his lips were gentle on hers, the pressure more a question than an expression of frustration. For a moment they stood locked together, neither of them moving, joined only by their mouths and his hand on her arm. Then she parted her lips the tiniest fraction. The merest hint of an invitation. He sighed and slid his hand to the nape of her neck and opened his mouth over hers.
He tasted of chocolate and wine, and she made an approving, needy sound as his tongue stroked hers. Her hands reached blindly for him, finding his broad shoulders, pulling him closer. And then, somehow, they were on the couch, Ethan’s big body on top of hers, his hands gliding over her as their kiss became more and more intense. She whimpered as his hand cupped first one breast then the other, his thumb sliding over and over each nipple in turn until they were both hard and eager and she was quivering beneath him.
It had been eighteen months since she’d felt a man’s weight on top of her and she’d spent the better part of the past month living in the pocket of one of the sexiest men she’d ever known. So maybe it wasn’t any wonder that she was on fire for him now. She’d always found him attractive. Always. She’d noticed his powerful body, she’d eyed his mouth and long fingers and imagined… And now he was kissing her and his hand was sliding beneath her top, pushing her bra out of the way, and he was breaking their kiss to lower his head to take her nipple into his mouth.
She clutched at his shoulders as the wet heat of his mouth engulfed her. It felt so good.
He
felt so good.
She arched her back, offering him her other breast, sliding her fingers into his hair when he turned his head and pulled her nipple into his mouth.
Somewhere, in a very dark, distant corner of her mind a warning knell sounded. This was Ethan. A fellow partner. And, more than that, her friend. A friend who had made his feelings about relationships painfully clear.
She knew she should push him away and call a halt, but she wasn’t even close to being strong enough to deny the need thrumming through her body. She’d wanted him for so long.
She parted her legs and lifted her hips and Ethan didn’t need to be asked twice to take up her silent invitation. His hips pressed into the cradle of her thighs and she wrapped her legs around his waist and rubbed herself against the hard length of him.
“Alex,” Ethan said again, pressing his erection against her where she needed it the most.
She circled her hips, willing two layers of denim to oblivion but unwilling to lose the delicious pressure of his hips against hers for the short time it would take to get undressed.
They kissed and caressed and rubbed against each other for long minutes. Alex was so turned on, so achingly ready for him that it almost hurt. She was the one who reached for the stud on his jeans, and she was the one who slid her hand beneath the soft cotton of his boxer briefs to find the hard, resilient shaft of his erection. He shuddered as she wrapped her hand around him and stroked her hand up and down his length. She felt him fumble at the stud on her jeans and she forgot to breathe as his palm slid over her belly and down, down, until his fingers were delving between her thighs.
He stroked her while she stroked him, their mouths locked in a searching, never-ending kiss. She was seconds away from her first heavy-petting-on-the-couch climax in years when Ethan broke their kiss and rested his forehead against hers.
“Alex. I need—”
“Yes,” she said, already starting to peel her jeans down over her hips.
His weight left her for a brief moment as they both shed their jeans, then she heard the small, significant crackle of a foil pack before Ethan was on top of her again, his bare legs warm and slightly rough against her own as they tangled together on the couch. He ran his hand down the side of her hip, wrapped his fingers around the outside of her left thigh and lifted her leg up and to the side. She felt the firm probe of his erection at her entrance and she lifted her hips in welcome. Then he was inside her and there was nothing in the world except for the exquisite friction of his body moving within hers.
They rocked together, neither saying a word. Alex held her breath and squeezed her eyes tightly shut, chasing the licks of pleasure racing through her body. Ethan pressed his face into her neck and opened his mouth against her skin, sucking and licking as his thrusts became more and more urgent. One of his hands teased her breasts, the other gripped her hip, his fingers pressing into her flesh.
He shifted position.
So close. So close.
She caught her breath, arched her back. And then she was there. Her hands clutched at his backside, holding him high and still inside her as she lost herself for a few precious seconds. Only when the waves of pleasure had passed and she’d relaxed her grip did he begin to move again, his thrusts deep and powerful. She felt the tension spike in him. Then he pressed his cheek against hers and shuddered out his own climax, the stubble of his whiskers a welcome roughness against her skin.
Neither of them said anything in the immediate aftermath. Ethan kept his face pressed into the curve of her neck. She stared at the ceiling over his shoulder. Where before there had been nothing but him and her and the maddening, crazy-making feel of his body against hers, she was suddenly aware of the fact that a couch button was jabbing into her backside and that they were both breathing hard and that her bra was pushed uncomfortably up around her armpits.
She was also hugely, painfully aware that what had happened between them had the potential to change everything. She didn’t do casual sex—never had—and she had no plans to start now. But this was Ethan. Her friend and colleague—and the most commitment-shy man she knew.
Unless…
Don’t. Don’t go there. You know Ethan. You know what he wants—and it isn’t this.
But it was too late. Hope was already unfolding inside her.
She was a smart woman. She knew Ethan was a bad bet. Whatever had gone on within his marriage had wounded him, badly. But she liked him. She liked him a lot. And right now they were lying skin to skin on her couch. He was still inside her. She knew he liked her. He’d cooked her dinner and brought it to her house and shown her in a hundred different ways over the course of their friendship that he admired and respected her.
Was it so crazy to imagine that maybe this could be the beginning of something and not just a really, really inappropriate outlet for weeks of tension and expectation?
Ethan lifted his head. They looked into each other’s eyes. His expression was unreadable.
Which said something in and of itself, didn’t it?
“I’m too heavy,” Ethan said quietly, and she felt the loss as he withdrew from her and rolled to one side.
She watched silently as he stood, his body supremely sexy despite the fact that he was still wearing his shirt and socks. She glanced at his retreating backside—perfect, like the rest of him—as he went to the bathroom to dispose of the condom, then she sat up and pushed her hair from her forehead.
She stared blankly at the wall for a beat, her brain not quite up to speed yet, her body still warm and flushed from his touch. Then she heard the sound of his footfall in the hall and realized she should have used his absence to get dressed instead of sitting in a postcoital daze.
She pulled the jumbled tangle of her jeans into her lap in a belated attempt at modesty as he entered the living room. She didn’t look at him for a moment as he sat beside her on the couch. Then, after a few long, tense seconds, she slid a glance his way out of the corners of her eyes.
He was watching her, a small smile on his mouth, concern in his eyes.
“You okay?” he asked quietly, reaching out to tuck a strand of her hair behind her ear.
She nodded. “Yes. You?”
“Yeah.”
They were both silent for a long moment.
“That was probably a mistake, huh?” she said. It wasn’t what she wanted to ask. But she wasn’t stupid. She wasn’t going to make this any more uncomfortable than it already was.
“Depends on your definition. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy it. A lot. And that I hadn’t thought about us being together like this.”
She looked at him sharply. Was he saying that even before they’d been considering becoming parents together he’d been attracted to her?
“I thought you saw me as your work buddy.”
“No.”
“So why didn’t you ever…?”
“Because I knew that it couldn’t go anywhere. And I didn’t want to hurt you.”
It was exactly what she’d been telling herself—he’d been crystal clear about his determination to remain single, after all—but it still felt like a slap in the face.
Suddenly it seemed wrong to be sitting half naked in front of him. Way too vulnerable. She fished her tangled panties from the leg of her jeans and stood, pulling her panties on. Then she dragged her jeans up her legs. After a moment’s hesitation, Ethan followed suit.
Only when they were both fully dressed, flies zipped and studs buttoned, did she look at him again.
“For the record, you haven’t hurt me,” she said. “I knew the score. But this wasn’t exactly something I’d planned on happening.”
“Me, either. But the past few weeks have been pretty full-on.”
“Yes.”
“Maybe it was inevitable. With all the donor stuff, all the time we’ve been spending together…”
“Yes.”
She glanced around her apartment. She didn’t know what else to say to him. There wasn’t much more
to
say, when it came down to it. They’d both agreed that it had been a mistake to cross the line and sleep with each other.
She wanted him to go, she realized. They’d made their mistake, now she wanted to shower and go to bed and clear her head for tomorrow. She wanted to be alone.
“I’ll help you clean up.” He started gathering glasses and plates.
“Don’t. I’ll do it in the morning.”
He ignored her, taking the plates into the kitchen. When she heard him clattering around in there she went after him.
“Leave it. Please,” she said.
He was running water into the sink but he flicked the tap off. They stared at each other across her counter.
“I’m going to be really pissed with myself if this has messed things up between us, Alex. That’s the last thing I want,” Ethan said. “I’d hate to think we’d trashed a good friendship for the sake of one bout of crazy-monkey-couch-sex.”
He was trying to make her laugh and she rewarded him with a small smile.
“It’s been a big day. And this was kind of the cherry on top.”
“Yeah. I know.”
He ran a hand through his hair, then sighed deeply. “Okay, then, I’ll bugger off.”
She tried not to look too relieved but she suspected he knew she couldn’t wait to close the door on him.
Well, tough. She was entitled to her reaction. Maybe this sort of thing happened to him all the time, but it was new territory for her.
“Thanks for dinner,” she said at the front door.
Ethan looked down at her, his eyes very dark blue and very serious. “I meant what I said, Alex. Your friendship means a lot to me.”
“Yours, too. To me, I mean.”
He nodded. He hesitated, then he leaned forward and kissed her briefly on the lips.
“Good night.”
“Good night.”
She closed the door on him and stood very still for a long moment. It occurred to her that if they hadn’t used a condom tonight, they might have become parents today after all. But they had. And she’d already decided she didn’t want a child at any cost. She wanted a partner, and a child born of love. A fantasy, perhaps. But she thought it was worth holding out for.