The Art of War for Zombies: Ancient Chinese Secrets of World Domination, Apocalypse Edition. (8 page)

By discovering the Enemy’s dispositions and remaining “invisible” ourselves, we can keep our forces concentrated (and our limbs intact).
We can form a single united, er, body, while the Enemy must split up. And if we are able thus to attack their inferior forces with our own superior one, our opponents will be in dire straits. And without their BRRRAAAIIINNNS.

The spot where we intend to fight must not be made known, for then the Human will have to prepare against a possible attack at several different points.
With his forces distributed in many directions, the numbers we face at any given point will be proportionately few. For should the Enemy strengthen his front, he will weaken his rear; should he strengthen his rear, he will weaken his front; should he strengthen his left, he will weaken his right; should he strengthen his right, he will weaken his left. If he sends reinforcements everywhere, he will everywhere be weak. We Zombies, of corpse, remain strong (in more ways than one) throughout all this Human busywork.

Numerical weakness
comes from our having to prepare against possible Human attacks;
numerical strength,
from compelling our adversary to make preparations against us. Over our dead bodies! But, like the Human Boy Scouts, we are always prepared (albeit not to do good deeds or earn badges, but to grasp and bite and kill), while the typical Human adult is obsessed with finding the next cache of Moon Pies. Or bacon.

Knowing the place and the time of the coming battle, we may concentrate from the greatest distances in order to fight.
It’s our gig. But if neither time nor place be known, then the left wing will be impotent to succor the right, the right equally impotent to succor the left, the front unable to relieve the rear, or the rear to support the front. In other words, we’ll just go to pieces.

Though Humans still exceed our own in number (according to my estimate), that shall advantage them nothing in the matter of victory. I say victory can be achieved by the Zombie Horde. Though Humans are stronger in numbers, we who are “fed up” with them (or wish to be) may prevent them from fighting. Scheme so as to discover their plans and the likelihood of their success. Rouse them, and learn the principle of their activity...or inactivity. Force them to reveal themselves, so as to find out their vulnerable spots. Chase them out of churches, homes, and pubs.

In making tactical dispositions, the highest pitch you can attain is to conceal them; conceal your dispositions, and you will be safe from the prying of the subtlest spies and from the machinations of the wisest... BRRRAAAIIINNNS.

How victory may be produced for Zombies out of the Humans’ own tactics—that is what the multitude cannot comprehend.
But we can. All see the tactics whereby we conquer, but what none can see is the strategy out of which victory is evolved. Do not repeat tactics which have gained you one victory. Let your methods be regulated by the infinite variety of circumstances. Variety is the spice of afterlife.

Military tactics are like unto water; for water in its natural course runs away from high places and hastens downward, as do Zombies.
(Apocalypse Tip: Basements are better than attics.) So in war, avoid what is strong and strike at what is weak: our Human enemies. Water shapes its course according to the nature of the ground over which it flows; the Zombie works out his victory in relation to the foe whom he is facing and where he is, whether bathroom, Beetle, or boarded-up house. Therefore, just as water retains no constant shape, so in warfare there are no constant conditions. Play it by “ear.” Or eye. Or toe. Are you ready to rot?

He who can modify his tactics in relation to his opponent and thereby succeed in winning, may be called a hell-born captain, even a Human-devouring captain “crunch.”

The five elements (water, fire, wood, metal, earth) are not always equally predominant; the four seasons make way for each other in turn. There are short days and long. And the moon has its periods of waning and waxing. As do the Living and the Undead.
Right now, Zombies are waxing. And the waning Humans can’t hold a candle to us.

Deviate
and subjugate

S
un-Tzumbie said:
In the war for WORLD DOMINATION, the Zombie doesn’t take orders from anyone. He takes scalps and BRRRAAAIIINNNS instead, occasionally a liver or spleen.

Having assembled the Horde, fencing it in until you are ready to attack is a good idea.
Cattle pens are ideal for corralling your Undead brethren until the moment is right. Cattle prods, however, are ineffective, but do stun Humans, facilitating an easy kill.

Every Zombie has a special gift to contribute to the Horde, be it an especially eerie and fetching moan or the ability to impersonate a surly hospital orderly—easier than it sounds! Compassion for your homies and appreciation of their individual talents will foster loyalty from far beyond the grave.

To take a long and circuitous route will be simple for us. We never tire.
We have no need of cumbersome supply trains, preferring to munch on the run or on the shuffle as the case may be. In this manner we can entice our Enemy out of the way, and though we start after him, we contrive to reach the goal before him. Yes, it sounds complicated. Don’t think too hard about it; you might strain what remains of your brain. Just understand that this is the tactic known as Deviation. Our behavior has long been considered deviant by medical experts of the Human world.

THEY AIN’T SEEN NOTHING YET.

Mortals will cling to the belief that maneuvering in well-organized groups is advantageous.
Newsflash: An undisciplined Zombie multitude can reduce them to sausage in a matter of minutes.

Let them use up their energy. Watch their supplies dwindle. Watch them launch hopeless salvos against our superior numbers. They will send their best warriors on suicide missions. We would laugh, if we still could.

We can amble along at a constant pace, day and night, while they must take “breaks” and “potty stops.” Consider the ludicrous concept of the “power nap.” A sleeping Human is the very definition of “fast food.”

The Living will attempt to lead with their swiftest and strongest.
Bring them on, say we. One or two of our number may fall to the Enemy, but we soon surround and isolate them. Such are the sacrifices required if we are to attain our goal of WORLD DOMINATION.

And yet, there remain Mortals to shuffle clear of:

Female Humans resembling Angelina Jolie, especially if armed with large-caliber firearms. They tend to be fearless and deadly accurate.

Meddling teenagers in “Mystery Machines,” especially if traveling with Great Danes.

Anybody wearing a cape or tight-fitting metallic outfit. Not only are these ghastly fashion choices, such persons often turn out to have super powers. It would be most inconvenient, to say the least, to have your Horde encased in ice or engulfed by a tidal wave at the crucial moment of battle. (Refer to Sun Tzumbie’s advice on the use of
fire and water
: This is the misfortune that befell the Horde crossing the Red Sea several thousand years ago. That old dude with the horns and beard had some mad super powers! This was in the days before Spandex.)

In general, though, the Humans will rush at you recklessly with little or no concern for their own safety. The more you can tire them out and cause them to deplete their supplies, the easier your mealtimes will become.

Do not make the mistake of responding to overtures of friendship, and even worse, servitude.
It’s always a trap. Likewise, do not negotiate with Humans. They are our enemies.
Mortal
enemies. If they appear to offer an olive branch, refuse to “Give peace a chance!” In the words of Human patriot Patrick Henry, “Gentlemen may cry,
Peace, Peace
—but there is no peace. The
war
is
actually begun
!” Instead, let them rest in peace, at least until their bodies succumb to the Zombie Virus.