The Art of War for Zombies: Ancient Chinese Secrets of World Domination, Apocalypse Edition. (11 page)

Humans will try to avoid country with precipitous cliffs, torrents, deep natural hollows, confined places, tangled thickets, quagmires, and crevasses.
It is for this reason that these are precisely the locations to which you should direct and divert them. The more confined the space, the more difficult it will be for them to raise their weapons against you. If they can’t pull the starter cord on that chain saw, it will be worse than useless.

Beware of quagmires and quicksand, which can immobilize a Zombie already unsteady on his feet. Many an ossified Zombie has been unearthed in backwaters and bayous.

Tread carefully in marshes. Humans, taking a page out of Sun Tzumbie’s book, will lurk in ambush, or set spies to watch your movements. In such country, travel in groups. If discovered, spies must be eaten without delay.

If you are careful of your fellow Undead and maintain strict hygienic practices (being deceased is no excuse to neglect personal grooming!), you will stave off decomposition for a longer period, and be more appealing to new recruits.
This will spell victory.

If the Living bluff and bluster, remaining just out of reach, they are picking a fight.
Be suspicious, especially if rival sports teams are involved or beer cans are in evidence.

BE ALERT. Learn to read the signs of Humans passing.
They are notoriously careless with fast-food packaging, beverage containers, and cigarette butts. Believing the Horde to be of inferior intelligence, they take little care to hide their tracks. This will lead to their doom—and your dinner.

Observe the wildlife around you. Usually wild animals will flee upon your approach, and this could reveal your position. Proceed slowly. Blundering Humans can cause similar effects, so take note.

Take note, also, of dust clouds created by Humans. Their Hummers or Humvees create choking dust storms, and could indicate a large fleet on the hunt. Seek the cover of high grass and trees. Small dust clouds accompanied by buzzing sounds suggest one or more dirt bike or ATV riders—often reckless vigilante types with more brawn than BRRRAAAIIINNNS—
not
good eats. These can be easily eluded.

INTIMIDATE. Being the mighty Undead, you the Zombie are moved neither by the Mortals’ pathetic entreaties to spare their lives, nor by their battle cries.
Show ’em how it’s done!
Use The Moan to your best advantage
when a Human attempts to communicate with you in any fashion.
Sneer
(if your remaining musculature permits) at their bribes.

Learn the signs of hunger among the Living.
The tendency to seek out Little Debbie Snack Cake delivery trucks, Loaf ’n Jug shops, and Kwik-E Marts is a sign of desperation. Their old world order has broken down.

By the same token, be alert to signs of a trap: the door left ajar, the trail of Human detritus leading to certain death and dismemberment. Do not enter a structure unless you are certain of a meal, or backed up by reinforcements.

TAKE ADVANTAGE OF DISCORD. Be alert to signs that the Humans are squabbling amongst themselves.
This situation frequently occurs in the presence of one or two fetching females and several males. The males will attempt a show of bravado, or even slay one or more of their fellows. Watch and wait. Surprisingly, often the least able male will win the attentions of the female. Then both will be easy pickings whilst the vanquished flee. The slain can then be consumed at leisure. It’s good when you can get the Humans to do your work for you.

There is no shame in an honorable retreat if one is outnumbered. The prudent Z will fall back to a safe position, and use The Moan until reinforcements show up. Few Humans can withstand a sustained Moan for very long. As your reinforcements arrive, the Humans, driven mad by the sound, will reveal their positions.

Treat your fellow Undead by the principles of Z-Etiquette, as set forth by
Madame Cadavre Exquis:

Divide spoils fairly. Only Zs who participate in a kill should dine.