The Art of War for Zombies: Ancient Chinese Secrets of World Domination, Apocalypse Edition. (2 page)

Our goal is to create Hell on earth.
Unlike our puny Mortal antagonists, we are unfazed by variations in seasons, temperature, wind, and precipitation. (Ever notice how much Humans whine about the weather? Pathetic!) Yes, Earth will soon be ours. We have the ability to traverse great swaths of the planet (albeit slowly), while Humans are constantly stopping to check their messages or their makeup, to re-load, or to refuel their soon useless vehicles. Short of removing miscellaneous body parts, there is little they can do to stop us. Take heart! Take brain! Take kidney!

The Undead individual shows itself superior in every respect. While Humans look to their leaders, in the Horde it’s every corpse for itself. We don’t need no stinkin’ commander. Except when we do. However, we can become a well-oiled, brain-eating machine by following a few simple rules. Within the Horde, there are ranks and classifications. The Zombie who knows its place in the Horde will be victorious. Feed off the instincts, and other bits, of your comrades. Control of the supply chain—BRRRAAAIIINNNS, BRRRAAAIIINNNS, and more BRRRAAAIIINNNS—is crucial, as is knowing our terrain, because we’re not always too steady on our feet. We cannot allow the Humans to press their advantages.

T
o assess the Zombie advantage by judging the military conditions, consider:

Which of the two beings—Zombie or Human—is less hampered by moral law?
Um, is this question necessary? Completely devoid of higher brain functions, including that pesky conscience, the Zombie is clearly favored in this arena.

Which of the two has the most ability—a Human Mortal or the Undead?
This depends on how you define the concept of “ability.” We have the ability to terrorize every Living, breathing Human. How badass is that? Reasoning ability? Not so much, but who cares when you’re badass? In the meantime, our foes are still struggling with the question, “How do you kill something that’s already dead?” Human FAIL.

With whom lie the advantages derived from Hell on Earth?
We created it. We control it. BWAHAHA!

On which side is discipline most rigorously enforced—Human side or Zombie side?
We need to do a little work in this area, which is why we created this book on your behalf. Our Enemies tend to fall into phalanxes fairly easily; however, our superior numbers and endurance allow us to easily overcome them under most circumstances.

Which army is stronger—Human or The Horde?
Humans have learned very little about Undead behavior from their movies and games.
Zombie Strippers? Plants Versus Zombies?
Please. They see us as “entertainment,” even as “zomedy.” A fatal flaw. They underestimate us at their own peril.

On which side are officers and soldiers more highly trained: the Human side or the Zombie side?
Team Zombie is on autopilot, 24/7. We do one thing, and we do it well:
We hunt down and eat Humans. We are BRRRAAAIIIN-eating machines.
Humans may do impressive things with modern equipment, military Zombie kits, even toilet lids and crowbars, but they cannot withstand our unending onslaught and quest for Gray Matter.

In which army is there greater constancy both in punishment and in reward?
In the Horde, punishment is simple. In fact, there is only one capital punishment—getting decapitated. The sentence is carried out swiftly, without your remorse, and probably without your conscious knowledge. You won’t know what hit you.

          Your reward is equally simple:
BRRRAAAIIINNNS,
glorious BRRRAAAIIINNNS.

Zombies, when able to attack, should strive to appear unable, and shamble about in seeming disarray.

When using our forces, we must take care to seem slow-witted and incapable. (Yes, we
are
naturally proficient in this department.)

When we are near, we must make the Enemy believe we are far away. When we are far away, we must make him believe we are near.