The American Lover (26 page)

“Give me some credit, Mum, I have taken all these factors into consideration, and I’m not stupid. You get to know someone pretty well when you work so closely with them, especially as Caleb personally mentored me.  That was how we discovered how much we have in common, and how well we get on,” I explained through gritted teeth. “And I really liked San Francisco when I went over, so I think I’ll enjoy working there for a while.  But don't worry, I’ll still be keeping my flat on, I have no plans to sell it or anything.”
For now, anyway.

“Well, that’s something, I suppose.  Look, there’s no denying Caleb’s drop dead gorgeous, but are you really sure you're not being swept along with all this, just because he’s so good looking?” Megan asked.

“That’s right,” Bryony agreed. “He just doesn’t seem your type at all. I mean, he’s nothing like…” she faltered, but I knew what she’d been about to say.

“You’re right, Caleb is nothing like Drew. But is that such a bad thing, when this is all about a fresh start, a new beginning, moving on with my life? And listen to yourselves, you shouldn’t be so horribly shallow in judging Caleb purely on his looks.  He’s not some male bimbo, he’s a highly successful and ambitious executive at the bank, so I’m actually very lucky that he took time out to mentor me.  And although I'm going ahead to try out this job, I am still actively considering other options as well, and if things don't work out, I’ll come back to review my options.  But at least this way, I’ll have some additional experience and skills to add to my CV.” I did my best to keep my cool and respond calmly and logically, but it was
so
hard.

“But you’ll be so far away,” Mum fretted. “Look, I’m thrilled that you finally feel ready to move on and start dating again, but this business of moving to California just seems rather extreme.  Wouldn’t it make more sense to start off with someone more familiar, someone closer to home…?”

“I take it you're referring to Neil?” I rolled my eyes.

“Yes, actually,” Mum replied, as Bryony and Megan nodded in agreement.

“For your information, I met up with Neil the other evening, and we had a heart to heart to get a few things straight.”

Neil had been surprised by my request, but he’d agreed to come along when I'd suggested meeting up at a nearby pub so we could talk in neutral surroundings, away from the workshop or the flat that held so many memories of Drew for both of us.

“Oh? So come on, tell us what happened,” Bryony demanded.

“Well, I’ve been noticing a steady decline in turnover and revenue over the last year or so when I’ve been doing Neil’s books, with virtually no new business coming in.  So I began to suspect that although Neil’s a great mechanic, maybe he was in over his head running the whole shebang on his own,” I explained.

“You’ve never expressed any concerns before!” exclaimed Megan.

“Maybe that’s because you’ve never bothered to ask, Meg. But I don’t blame you, I was the same, I only saw what I wanted to see.  None of us wanted to think otherwise, we just wanted everything to be hunky dory,” I sighed.  “Anyway, the point is, my hunch was right. It all came out when I sat Neil down and explained how I’d come to a crossroads in my life, about my job offer in San Francisco, and that he needed to decide what he wanted to do about the workshop from now on, if I wasn’t going to be around to do his books and so forth. That’s when he came clean and admitted that he really hated the responsibility of running a business, but felt trapped because he thought he’d be letting Drew’s memory down if he didn't carry on.”

“But we all thought Neil was exactly the right person to take it over, it seemed such a perfect solution,” Bryony frowned.

“Yeah, well, that’s been the problem, he knew he had everybody’s expectations riding on him.  Poor Neil got pressured into taking Drew’s workshop on, and he didn't feel able to admit it wasn’t actually what
he
wanted.  And me being involved and continuing to do all the paperwork made him think it was what I wanted, too, which has meant we’ve both been stuck in this awkward impasse with neither of us able to move on.  When I told him he should consider selling the business and moving on if that was what he really wanted, he looked as if he’d had the weight of the world lifted from his shoulders.”

“What did Neil actually say?” Mum frowned.

“He said he’d never planned to run his own business. In fact, he’d been saving up to go on a round the world trip on his motorbike, but when Drew died, he quietly dropped all those plans and put the money into buying the workshop instead.”

“I never knew that,” Megan murmured.

“Neil put all his dreams on hold, because he felt obliged to step in when we were trying to sort out Drew’s business. I admit I didn't really pay as much attention as I should have done to see if that was really what Neil wanted, rather than let him be pressured into it. Now I feel guilty that the poor guy had all this unwanted responsibility foisted on him, so that’s why I’ve told him it’s fine if he wants to sell the business and follow his dream to go travelling.  There’s no point in him trying to stick things out, not when he’s miserable and hates what he’s doing, because if his heart’s not in it, inevitably the business is going to go down the pan.”

“But what about you and Neil? I really thought there might be a chance that you two could work something out,” Bryony sighed.

“Wishful thinking on your part, I’m afraid, sis. He’s a great fella, no question, and we’re mates. But that’s all, because in his eyes, I’ll always be Drew’s girl, and in my eyes, he’ll always be Drew’s best mate. There’s nothing more than that between us, however much you might wish otherwise,” I stated firmly, determined to finally put an end to this stupid fantasy of theirs.

“I suppose we have to accept what you're saying,” Mum reluctantly conceded. “None of us ever intended to push Neil into doing something he didn't want.  Why ever didn't he just say something ?”

“The poor guy didn't dare! Have you any idea how intimidating you lot can be?” I shook my head in frustration. “Just look at how resistant you’re all being because I'm daring to go against what you think is best for me.”

“We’re just looking out for you, because we love you and are concerned for your welfare, that’s all,” Mum smiled as she reached over to put her arm round my shoulders and kiss the top of my head. 

“I know, I love you all too. I get why you're worried, and I appreciate all your support and help, really I do. But I can't spend the rest of my life wrapped up in cotton wool, so I have to have the courage to branch out on my own again. And that’s exactly the opportunity Caleb is offering, so please don't begrudge me this chance.”

“We don't, honestly,” Megan smiled.  “But a move to the States with a guy you’ve only just met, however nice he may be, just seems such a huge leap for you to take. Surely you can understand our concerns, Faith?”

“Of course I can, but all I can say is that it feels as if Caleb is giving me a chance to actually live, to feel properly alive again, rather than just existing. I’m not naive, I’m going into this with my eyes wide open, I’m fully aware things may not work out, but I’ll never know if I don't at least try, will I? Trust me when I say that Caleb really is a good guy, so don't let his handsome exterior fool you into believing otherwise.
I made that mistake to start with, but you know, he’s had a pretty rough time too, thanks to a bitter divorce, so now I think he deserves my best shot, and for me not to mess him around.  And the job really is an excellent one; I'd be a fool not to take advantage of such a great opportunity.  So, even though I'd prefer to have your support, I'm going to go ahead anyway, whatever you lot say,” I finished defiantly, as I stood up from the table and walked away.

I'd had enough, and I really didn’t want to argue any more, so I made my escape into the garden to see if I could find Caleb and rescue him from my dad.

Instead I came across mum’s cousin Jeanette, sitting on the bench out in the garden. She’d tactfully left us all to it, while she sneaked off to have a quiet cigarette outside. She smiled as she patted the empty space next to her, so I plonked myself down, and then ripped off some of the aromatic French lavender leaves from a nearby pot to inhale the scent and calm myself down.

I didn't really know Jeanette that well, as she and Mum hadn't been in contact for years, but had recently got in touch again and discovered they got on really well.  Since she’d retired from teaching - Jeanette was yet another member of that profession in our family - she’d taken up floristry, so that was why she’d been roped in to help organise the flowers for Bryony’s wedding.

“Didn’t want to intrude, not when I’d probably only put my foot in it if I chipped in, bearing in mind I’m only a distant cousin. Truth is, I’m rather renowned for speaking my mind, and if I’d opened my big gob in there to give you the benefit of my perceived wisdom, I don’t think your dear mother would have been too thrilled, so I thought discretion was the better part of valour in this instance,” she stated, before taking a long drag of her cigarette while she studied me closely. “But your family do mean well, you know, even if they’re driving you nuts.”

Tall, and slim, with shoulder length strawberry blonde hair cut in flattering layers around her face, and striking green eyes, Jeanette was still a very attractive lady, despite being a couple of years older than my mum. She was dressed in skinny jeans and trendy little ankle boots, along with a gorgeous silk blouse, an outfit which on some women her age would have screamed ‘mutton dressed as lamb’, but which on her looked really great. Frumpy she most certainly wasn’t, especially with her quirky silver drop earrings, and the half a dozen pretty silver Annie Haak bracelets she wore.  I wouldn’t describe my mum as frumpy exactly, but in comparison to Jeanette, I suppose I’d call her style more sensible and traditional. 

“I know,” I sighed. “But I suppose I can't blame them after everything I've put them through since Drew died.”

“Well, that’s the past, but what about the future?  You and this hunky American, you’ve brought along this evening. This Caleb guy. Are you going to be brave enough to try and make a go of things with him?” She fixed me with a shrewd gaze as she waited for my answer.

“I’m going to give it my best shot, but we’ll just have to see what happens in the next six months. That’s all Caleb’s asking from me, initially anyhow. So I should have a pretty good idea how things stand by the time I come back for Bryony’s wedding in August, whether it’ll be worth me going back to the States with him again, or whether I’ll be staying put back here, because things have run their course between us,” I shrugged. “As I don't have a crystal ball, I honestly don’t know if it’ll work out between us long term, so I’m not letting myself look forward too far just yet.  And don't say anything to my family, but part of me is scared shitless.  Perhaps they’re right, perhaps it is all too soon and too sudden.”

“You’re worried he’s not serious?”

“I think he’s serious for now, but when the novelty factor wears off… maybe not so much. And then even if he is…” I sighed, as I crushed the lavender leaves in my hand, thinking there was every chance my heart could end up in the same condition if I went ahead and let myself get involved any deeper than I already was with Caleb.

“You're scared he could die just like Drew, and leave you on your own again, aren’t you?” Jeanette stated. I looked at her, rather shocked at her bald statement.

“Well, yes, actually,” I admitted.

“Look, Faith, we don't know each other very well, and I don't know how much your mum has filled you in about me,” she continued.  “But before I say my piece, for what it’s worth, the fact that I’ve been married twice, and sadly, I’ve also been widowed twice, gives me a pretty unique perspective on this.”

“Mum did mention something to me, but not really any of the details,” I admitted. Truth be told, I hadn't really paid that much attention when she’d been telling me about this long lost cousin of hers - I'd had other things on my mind.

“Well, I won’t bore you with all of the sad and boring details, but suffice to say I’m probably the one person around here who does actually know what you're going through, and who’s uniquely qualified to give you some advice, if you're interested in hearing it. Or alternatively, you can just tell me to shut up and bugger off," she smiled, as she took another drag on her cigarette.

“Well everyone else has seen fit to tell me what I should or shouldn't do, so go ahead, give me the benefit of your wisdom,” I smiled back.  “But seriously, how the hell did you cope with being widowed
twice
?”

“I'm not going to lie, it was hell, both times.  Even so, I don't regret either of my marriages, not for one single second. I loved both of my husbands to bits, and no question, I'd marry them both again in a heartbeat if I had the chance to live my life over again.  So, without hesitation, I’d say grab this chance with Caleb while you can,” she stated firmly.

“So you don't agree with the rest of my family, that I'm being foolish and rushing into things?” I asked.

“No, I do not. Time is too precious to waste with indecision. Just listen to what your heart is telling you.  You have to be positive. You have to forget all the reasons why it possibly won’t work, and believe that it will, or there’s no point in bothering,” she insisted.

“That’s pretty much what Caleb told me. He says that you’re confined only by the walls you build yourself. If you keep finding reasons for things to fail, then all you’re doing is setting it up for exactly that to happen,” I admitted.