The American Lover (23 page)

It took all my resolve, but I had to be strong. I had to push Caleb away if I was going to come out of this intact.

“So we became friends. Big deal,” I said callously. “None of this matters, it’s irrelevant, because I’m not interested in having any kind of a relationship with anyone, including you.” 

Caleb ran his fingers through his dark hair in exasperation.

“So what, you plan to shut off having any kind of feelings for anyone, for the rest of your life? You’re not prepared to even consider letting yourself fall in love again? Faith, I understand how hard it must have been after Drew died, but do you honestly think this is what he would have wanted for you?”

He stood up and went over to get the photo of Drew from the shelf, and put it down on the table in front of me.

“If it had been the other way round, if it had been Drew left on his own, would you really have wanted him to waste the rest of his life by shutting himself off from ever feeling anything again? Or would you have wanted him to live the rest of his life to the full, as a tribute to what you'd shared together?”

“Don't you
dare
bring Drew into this!” I yelled, my temper flaring now. This was way out of line, he’d definitely overstepped the mark now. “Don’t you fucking dare use him as an argument!”

“Ah, finally, some real emotion, Faith. Now we’re getting somewhere,” he replied with a determined glint in his eye.

“Don't do this, Caleb,” I warned.  “Don't push me too far, because you have no idea what you're getting into, what you’re unleashing.”

“Bring it on, Faith. I can handle it, because I figure you can't start the next chapter of your life while you remain stuck in the past. So you have to face this in order to be brave enough to move on, however painful it is.”

“I don't want to have to be brave again. I barely survived after losing Drew, and I couldn’t survive anything like that ever again,” I shouted. “Don't you see? Don’t you get it? Bottom line is that no one can promise not to leave me again. No one can promise not to get themselves killed.  Drew knew how much I worried about him riding his motorbike, but that didn't stop him going out and getting himself killed on it, did it? He left me, all because he loved riding that fucking bike of his more than he loved me. So as far as I'm concerned, I'm done with love. I don't want anything more to do with it, because all love does is suck the life out of you. That’s what happened when Drew died, so don't bother wasting your time trying to convince me that love is a force for good, Caleb.”

I slammed the photo of Drew back face-down on the table, because I couldn’t bear to see his happy face smiling back at me, as I vented the secret, guilty, toxic resentment that I’d held hidden deep inside for so long, festering and refusing to heal and allow acceptance of what had happened.

“Now we’re getting to the bottom of it.  You're angry with Drew?” Caleb asked quietly.

“Yeah, damn right I’m angry with him.  Fucking furious, actually. He ruined everything, all the plans we’d made for our future together. Gone. We had it so good, but he had to go and throw it all away. I loved him so much, but now I’m left on my own without him for the rest of my days. He knew he was risking his life every time he rode his bike, but that didn't stop him, did it? He obviously didn't think about the consequences, so he couldn’t have loved me that much if he never thought about how I'd cope without him, even though he knew he meant everything to me, that he was my whole world.  The choices he made took away our future.” I let my fury pour out, never before having allowed myself to vocalise my bitter resentment at losing the perfect life we'd had mapped out in front of us.

“I get where you're coming from, but what happened was just a terrible accident that Drew couldn’t possibly have foreseen, Faith.  Life is full of risks, and no one can ever predict what might or might not happen.  None of it means that Drew didn't love you just as much as you loved him. And who knows, he might still have been killed that day, even if he’d been driving a car rather than a bike,” Caleb calmly reasoned, seemingly unshocked by my vitriolic outburst.

“Whatever.  All I know is I'm not going down that route ever again, because I found out the hard way that love is a cruel and vicious drug.  And now I’ve gone cold turkey, gone through all the excruciating pain of withdrawal, I'm not allowing myself to become addicted again.” I insisted.

“Trust me, I know only too well how much love can hurt, how painful it can be. But ask yourself what kind of a life you’re going to have without it? If you're not prepared to take a risk on finding love and happiness again, well then you might as well have died alongside Drew that day,” Caleb hit back.

“That’s a harsh thing to say,” I told him. “But yeah, you know what? I suppose part of me did die that day anyway - the part of me that’s capable of love.”

“See, here’s where I think you’re being less than honest, even with yourself maybe. I know you have feelings for me, however much you may be in denial about it, because I’ve seen it in your eyes when we’ve been making love, when we’ve been laughing, been happy and relaxed together. Your feelings reflecting my feelings. But you're just too scared to face up to the truth and be honest with yourself. And I get why, truly I do. But you can't spend the rest of your life numb, always running away because you're scared shitless of having feelings.”

“Says who? As far as I'm concerned, being numb is by far the best option, compared to the pain of allowing yourself to feel again,” I said adamantly.

Caleb heaved a huge sigh.

“You know what? I can't deny that we could both end up getting hurt again, because I admit that even if I can persuade you to let yourself fall in love again, there are no guarantees it’ll work out.”

“Exactly!”

“But I still think it’s worth taking a gamble on, because what's happened to you only proves that you should live your life to the full and not waste a second of it. Try being positive for a change, and just allow yourself to imagine how great things could be, instead of how bad.  Look, I know I'm not Drew, and I know I could never replace him…”

“Yeah, just as I’m nothing like Cassie, as in nowhere near as gorgeous as her, from what little you’ve told me about your ex,” I pointed out, grabbing the chance to turn the conversation in a new direction.

“Yeah, I grant you at first glance Cassie appears superficially attractive,” Caleb agreed. “But as soon as you scrape the surface, you discover she’s one big fat lie. Fake tan, fake hair extensions, fake nails - there’s nothing natural about Cassie. She even had a nose job, although it still didn’t give her one as cute as yours.” He reached over and tweaked my nose. “But looking back, I’m not proud to admit that originally I was just as shallow as she was, in that I picked Cassie purely on her looks - we really had nothing in common, no shared sense of humour, nothing to talk about at all. She said I never listened to her, but that was because I found her conversation shallow and inane, so she bored me rigid. And it was mutual. She never found anything I did or said of interest either.” 

“That’s sad, Caleb. Such a waste.”

“Yeah, you could say that. But my wise Momma told me that no relationship is ever a waste of time, because even if it doesn’t bring you what you want, it teaches you what’s important for next time. So after acting like a dick for the last couple of years, I’m done with all the mindless, meaningless sex.  Instead, I want what we shared. Making love with someone I care about.  And I know you felt the way we connected, because I saw it in your eyes.  However hard you try to deny it, you know that’s why it was so good between us.”

“Caleb, I don't deny the sex was really good between us, but…” I tried to stop him, but he wasn’t about to shut up.

“Let me finish. It’s not just the great sex, Faith, although that is pretty amazing. It’s much, much more than that. In the few short weeks we’ve known each other, you and I have talked endlessly about all kinds of things, we’ve laughed and joked and shared opinions. We became good friends, which turned out to be the perfect basis for things to develop from. Being friends meant I discovered that you're fun, you're stimulating, and you have a great mind, and before I knew it, I found myself wanting to be with you more and more, and really missing you when I didn't have you to talk to. That’s how I worked out that I was falling for you. What we’ve shared, what we have together, I never had anything like that with Cassie, so I don't think we ever really loved each other, although at the time I guess we thought we did.”

“That’s all very well Caleb, but none of this makes any difference.  It wouldn’t work between us.  I’m not capable of giving what you seem to think you want from me. You’re wasting your time, so you should go back to America, forget about me and put all this behind you,” I stated.  “You deserve better.”

“You
are
my better, don't you see that, Faith? I believe you are exactly what I want and what I need.  And I think maybe we really could have it all, if you could only let yourself believe it’s possible. I’m not saying you have to forget about Drew, I would never expect that. He’d be part of the deal, you wouldn’t have to shut out your memories of him, because he’s part of who you are, and I respect what you had together.”

“Caleb, that’s a really nice thing to say, and I wish I could give you what you want, but I just can't,” I closed my eyes as I heaved a big sigh, growing tired of trying to convince Caleb to give up these foolish notions.

“So you would shut the door on the chance to have someone to grow old with? You don't want to be that old couple walking along holding hands, still in love? See, I think that could be what we’re looking at, if you would only give us a chance. The whole rest of our lives deal. I know it’s early days, and I know nothing ever comes with cast iron guarantees, but I'm willing to take the chance, to see if we can make this work and potentially have some kind of a future together,” he still persisted.

“I…I… don't know what more I can say to you, Caleb.” It felt as if he were dangling some priceless treasure in front of me, to wear me down and tempt me.  What he was offering sounded so good, and I was so tired of being on my own, but I knew there had to be a catch.  There always was, so I couldn’t let myself weaken and relent.

“Dammit Faith, stop freezing me out, because truth is, I’ve even found myself  thinking about having kids with you, even though I know it’s far too soon to be thinking about such things. But I just can't help thinking how we would make really beautiful babies together.” As he tenderly stroked my cheek with his finger, I couldn’t hold it together any longer, and the floodgates burst.

“Stop it, that’s enough! Don't you
dare
talk so casually
about having babies, just like that. It’s not fair. You can't just drop that into the equation. I can't do this, I'm not listening to you anymore.”

I jumped up and ran into the bedroom, tears coursing down my cheeks as I flung myself down on the bed and sobbed. I’d always desperately wanted babies of my own, but I’d been forced to accept that dream had gone, along with Drew, and all my future held was being a doting aunt to my sister’s children.

That was why Caleb had touched an excruciatingly raw nerve. I'd not let myself even contemplate the possibility of having a baby with anyone else after Drew died, so I was totally unprepared for Caleb to just carelessly lob it into the conversation like that. Was he being serious? It was incredibly cruel and callous of him if he wasn’t, and I really didn't think he was capable of that. So, the question was, could I resist the temptation of opening up that dream again? Was it possible that one day I could actually hold a baby of my own in my arms? Could my future really include being someone’s mummy?

Caleb followed me in, and sat next to me on the bed, where I was still crying.

“Faith, I’m sorry you’re finding this so hard, but I’m not going to apologize for getting you to face up to some painful truths that you’d rather keep buried.  Might seem the easier way now, but it’s not healthy in the long run, because at some point they will resurface.  I get that you don't want your heart broken, because you think I'm only interested in a short term fling. That’s why I've flown half way round the world, to convince you that I’m serious about offering you a chance at the whole package. So, as I see it, the first step would be for you to take the job in San Francisco. Just agreeing to an initial six month contract wouldn’t mean burning all your bridges here, if you still wanted to keep your options open.  But what it would do is give us a real chance to be together, to see how things go between us. And you know, long term I could even see us getting married one day, but for now, I’d just be happy to take whatever you’re prepared to give. Another thing you should know is that I always wanted a big family, but I gave up on those dreams when I got divorced. Now I'm seeing new possibilities.  With you. So that’s why I’m talking about all this really serious shit. You and Drew planned on having kids, right?”

“Yeah, we did,” I sighed. “And losing that option when Drew died was one of the hardest things I had to accept. But I have. Now it’s not fair to dangle that dream in front of me…not unless you are really absolutely totally serious and being one hundred percent honest with me.”

“I assure you I am, because one thing you should know about me is that I am not a liar, and I am not a cheat, especially after what I went through with Cassie. Because of her actions, I’ve avoided putting myself in a position of having to trust anyone since the divorce, and I admit I've been left with a few issues. So before we go any further, you should know that in any relationship between us, I would need total honesty and absolute transparency. No lies of any sort, not even little ‘white’ lies. No lies of omission either. No pretending, no silly games, nothing going on behind my back that you don't think I need to know about. I had enough of that from Cassie to last me several lifetimes.  So we would have to promise to tell each other everything.  What we’re doing, how we’re feeling,
everything
, at all times.”