My father told me that they met on the slopes and fell madly in love. “
The image of the staid and stoic Crandall Monroe being madly in love with anyone was startling, to say the least. Still, Jessica managed to maintain an even expression. “That sounds very romantic. ” ‘ “Yeah, it does, doesn’t it? ” He smiled. “Dad tells me that I look like her. ” “Then she must have been very beautiful. ” When he hiked a brow, she hastened to explain. ” I wasn’t implying that you’re beautiful. I mean, you’re very good-looking, of course, but-” Interrupted by his amused chuckle, Jessica decided on a judicious retreat. ” So what else did you find out about your mother? “
“That she and my father were very happy until I came along. “
An ominous tingling sensation slid along her nape. “
“What happened then? “
The amused twinkle faded from his eyes and his lips settled into a grim line.
“I killed her. “
Jessica gasped. “What? ” “My mother died in childbirth, ” he said quietly. “I knew about that because Aunt Emmaline took great glee in telling me and reminding me that my father blamed me for her death. Now I realize that wasn’t true, that in fact he blamed himself because he’d been the one who’d wanted to start a family. ” “Oh my God. ” Jessica could only imagine how that devastating loss must have shattered the fragile family. Every time Crandall had looked at his young son, he must have been torn apart by guilt and grief. And Devon had been just a child, unable to understand anything except the pain of his father’s rejection. Jessica had often wondered why Crandall never remarried , particularly since there’d always been a bevy of lurking women, each hoping for more than a disinterested glance. Most had been disappointed; others had found ileeting favor, although Jessica had never even known Crandall to have anything remotely resembling a meaningful relationship. Now she understood that he’d buried him self in work to insulate himself from another devastating emotional loss. And like a dutiful son, Devon had followed in his father’s footsteps. “After all these years, how did you finally discover that Crandall had blamed himself? ” she asked. “He told me. ” Shrugging off her astonished stare, Devon added, ” I know that seems incomprehensible, but for the first time since I can remember, my father and I actually had an honest conversation about things that really mattered. And it was all because of you. ” ‘
“Me? ” She straightened. “What on earth did I have to do with it? “
“You’re an incorrigible nag, that’s what. You were always in my face, bombarding me with affirmations on the importance of family and reminding me that fathers aren’t immortal. I’ll admit I didn’t come around all at once, but once you planted the idea, I was forced to rethink my priorities” “Is that why you refused your assignment, because you wanted to reestablish a relationship with your father? ” “Partly, I suppose. ” He absently tapped the back of the sofa. “But you were the main reason. ” Jessica’s heart skipped a beat. She swallowed hard , moistened her lips and tried to speak without stammering.
“M
He looked away, seeming torn by something she couldn’t quite fathom. Before she could speak, he turned toward her, eyes glowing softly, and stroked his knuckles across her cheek. “I love you, Jessie. You have to know that by now. ” ‘ “I…” She touched his palm, pressing the back of his hand against her face. “I thought you did. I prayed that you did but I wasn’t sure. ” “Be sure, ” he murmured. “Because I will never in my life love anyone the way that I love you. ” The words settled like sweet honey in her heart. For a moment, she was struck mute by a surging rush of emotion Surely no one had a right to experience such elation, such aching joy. She nuzzled the back of his hand, kissing each roughened knuckle, thrilled by the soft tickle of tiny hairs brushing her sensitive skin. After a moment, she tested her voice. “I think that I fell in love with you at the creek, when you courageously risked your life to save a stranger, but it might have happened the night you told me about your childhood and I saw the pain in your eyes. The timing doesn’t matter. What does matter is that you are one of the finest men that I’ve ever known. I love you, Devon Monroe. I will always love you. ” ‘ He withdrew slowly, extracting his hand from her loving grasp. “Iqrning away, he stared across the room with blank features and eyes filled with torment.
“Nothing about me is courageous, Jessica. “
“What are you talking about? ” The haunted look on his face scared her half to death. “I’ve spent a lifetime trying to prove that I’m not a coward The truth is, that’s exactly what I am. “
It took a moment for her to catch her breath. “That’s ridiculous”
“It’s true. You don’t know…” The words trailed off as he stared into space. After a moment, he spoke in a voice thick with emotion. ” I told you that when I was young, I spent time in a juvenile detention facility. “
“Yes, I remember. It was called Blackthorn Hall, wasn’t it? “
“Hmm? Yes. Blackthorn Hall. ” ‘ “That’s where you met the friends you told me about… let’s see, Roberto Arroya and L,arkin McKay. They were your roommates, weren’t they? ” “Yes. But we had another roommate, too. His name was Tommy Murdock. ” Devon pursed his lips and studied his own flexing fingers. “Tommy’s not with us anymore. I think you need to know why. ” A stifling hush fell over the room. Jessica was afraid to breathe. For several long minutes, Devon sat silently, jaw twitching, eyes riveted somewhere in the past. Then he started to speak, so quietly at first that she could barely hear. He described Tommy’s quick grin and infectious laugh and how the gutty little guy had struggled to keep up with stronger, healthier boys. Devon spoke with such affection and undisguised admiration, that Jessica was instantly engrossed in the story. So engrossed, in fact, that Tommy became real to her. She listened in rapt fascination, feeling as if she actually knew the brash, ponytailed youngster. In her mind, she saw his crooked smile and heard his squeaky little giggle. She could envision young Tommy and his boisterous cohorts huddled in the Hall’s damp basement, sharing their secret dreams, their hopes for the future. Then the mood changed. Devon’s eyes dulled. Jessica’s heart thudded with dread. Slowly, methodically, Devon described that final basement meeting where the angry roommates had voted on a foolish act of retribution-an act that would forever change the course of their young lives.
From that fateful moment, events had spiraled toward a tragic destiny.
By the time Devon revealed the disastrous result, Jessica was in tears. The dull monotone couldn’t disguise the depth of his sorrow. “I never should have let them take Tommy away, ” he said. “If I’d just stepped out of those damned bushes , he’d still be alive. ” It took a moment for Jessica to catch her breath. Her heart went out to Devon and to the other boys, who must also have been traumatized by having witnessed the tragedy But with compassion came understanding. For the first time, Jessica truly understood the complex nuance of Devon’s secret torment, the feelings of failure and guilt that drove him to prove his worth over and over and over again. She also recognized the Tommy Murdock incident as the source of the overprotective anxiety that Devon had displayed toward her illness. Everything made perfect sense now. His nomadic lifestyle hadn’t been motivated by a thirst for adventure, as she d first believed; instead, it had been an affirmation of courage and an escape through which he’d sidestepped a very real fear of emotional loss.
She placed a compassionate hand on his arm. “You can’t blame yourself. “
“Why not? I was in charge. Tommy was my responsibility I’m to blame for what happened to him. ” “No, you’re not, ” she insisted. “It was an accident, a horrible, tragic accident. ” “Which never would have happened if I’d only stepped forward and given myself up like a man. ” “But you weren’t a man, Devon. You were a little boy. ” Since his narrowed gaze indicated that was an argument he wasn’t ready to accept, Jessica lifted her chin and switched tactics. “All right, then. If we concede that each of us bears lifetime responsibility for childhood mistakes, then my father’s blood is still on my hands. ” ‘ His head snapped up. “That’s not true and you know it. ” ‘ “Do I?” She weighed her next words carefully. “The last thing my father heard before he died was an expression of his own daughter’s shame. I’m responsible for what I said. I’m responsible for the pain I caused him.
Am I also responsible for his death? “
“Of course not. ” As his own pain melted into compassion , Devon anxiously took her hands. “You were just a child, Jessica. You can’t-” His eyes widened. “That’s right, ” she whispered. “I was a child who made a childish mistake. You urged me to absolve my own childhood guilt and I did. Listen to me, Devon. That scared little boy in the bushes did the very best he could in a very bad situation. He has suffered enough and so have you. ” ‘ He stiffened slowly, absorbing her words along with the alien concept of bestowing mercy on oneself. He’d never considered that before, never thought of himself as being worthy of self-forgiveness. For everyone else in the world, mistakes were allowable, even inevitable. But not for him. That paradox had somehow embedded itself in his brain and the cost had been dear. Somewhere along the line, he’d confused cowardice with courage but it was Jessica who’d had shown real bravery by confronting life’s hardships with grit and determination. In the face of such strength and compassion, Devon could offer nothing less.
Jessica’s sweet voice captured his attention. “What are you thinking? “
He regarded her somberly. ” “I was just wondering if your job offer was still good. ” ‘ That was apparently not the response she’d expected. “You want to be my housekeeper? ” “No. I want to be your husband. Unfortunately, I find myself temporarily unemployed and until that situation can be remedied, I thought I’d take you up on your offer. ” He angled a wary glance and saw her chin sag in astonishment. “If thays all right with you, of course. “
“Did you just ask me to marry you? “
“I think so. ” He cleared his throat. “But you don’t have to answer now.
I mean, it’s a big step. I’m sure you’ll want time to think about-”
“Yes. “
He blinked. “Excuse me? “
“I love you, Devon Monroe. I want to be your wife. ” As he eagerly reached out, Jessica held up a restraining hand. “But there are conditions. ” ‘ He swallowed hard. “Name them. ” “First, I know how much your work means to you. You’re good at what you do and before the ink is dry on your resignation, every newspaper in the country is going to be pounding down the door. ” She paused, biting her lower lip to still its quivering. “I won’t stand in the way of your career but I won’t be left behind, either. I want to know that when major decisions about our lives are to be made, we’ll make them together. ” “Marriage is a partnership. Partners have equal votes God, he wanted to hug her until she squeaked. ” Are there any other conditions? ” “Just one. ” Her eyes filled with happy tears. “Promise me forever. ” ‘ With a ragged cry, he succumbed to his need and swept her in his arms.
As he did, the quagmire of past fears melted away.
By admitting that bravery lies not in the willingness to die but in the tenacity to live, Devon could finally accept love and forgive the frightened twelve-year-old who’d once cowered in the bushes. Now he could make that commitment to Jessica and to their future. He could promise forever For Devon Monroe, Blackthorn’s dark legacy was over.
*
Watch for THE AVENGER, the next book in Diana Whitney’s exciting Blackthorn Brotherhood miniseries-coming in early 1996.