“I was hoping you’djoin me. “
As Jessica wound her way through the hedge to the patch of freshly turned soil where her mother was working, an impressive array of bedding flats caught her eye. “
“Did you grow these in the greenhouse? “
Aysla smiled proudly. “Yes. Aren’t they lovely? ” “Your green thumb never ceases to amaze me. ” Jessica stepped over the cultivated bed and found a cushy spot on the immaculately clipped lawn.
“You should send a video of this place to that garden show on TV.”
“I doubt they’d be interested, ” Aysla murmured, although her eyes lit up at the thought. “My little place isn’t all that exotic. ” Jessica hugged her knees, gazing across the expansive lawn to a spot where the land ended at a rocky bluff overlooking the Pacific Ocean. “I think it’s the most beautiful place in the world. ” ” y , Thank you, dear, but I suspect ou re a bit biased. Nonetheless, Aysla was obviously pleased by the praise. With a satisfied smile, she absently dusted leaf litter from the glossy cotoneaster before settling beside her daughter. They sat quietly, as comfortable with the silence as they were with each other. Jessica and her mother had always enjoyed an extraordinarily close relationship. When they went out together, people frequently mistook them for sisters , which was no surprise considering Aysla’s youthful appearance. Even now, with her freshly scrubbed complexion smudged by garden soil, it was difficult to believe such a lovely woman could have a thirty-one-year old daughter. Her lean legs, exposed by shorts that would have seemed inappropriate on most women her age, were still as lithe and tan as those of a supple adolescent. In fact, Aysla’s only concession to age were a few deepening lines at the corner of her eyes and mouth, along with a smattering of gray in her delicate blond hair. But Aysla’s beauty was far from skin-deep. She was the sweetest, the wisest and the most sensitive person Jessica had ever known. And using that sensitivity, she suddenly pulled off her work “loves then reached out and took her daughter s hand. Something is bothering you, ” she said simply. Jessica hesitated, then squeezed her mother’s hand and forced a thin smile.
“I’m just a little tired. “
Her mother’s eyes filled with sympathy. “Of course you are. Between the trip up here and all those awful tests, you must be completely exhausted. ” In truth, the short flight from Los Angeles had been quite relaxing. The tests, however, had been another matter. Not that they’d been painful-although technicians had drawn enough blood to supply a city of vampires and taken so many nuclear scans that she’d probably set off Geiger counters in the next county. After spending all of yesterday and the better part of this morning being shuffled between labs, Jessica was sick of needles, sick of having body parts squeezed, squashed and X-rayed, and generally sick of being sick. Besides, she hated seeing her mother worry. “I’m fine, really. In fact, I’ve felt nearly as strong the past couple of weeks as I did before the surgery. ” But Aysla would not be consoled. “After all you’ve been through, I can’t believe I actually left you to slave away in the kitchen like an indentured servant. ” Jessica chuckled softly. “Honestly, Mother, you’re so melodramatic. You really should have taken your drama coach s advice and gone into theater. ” Lifting one perfectly tweezed brow, Aysla made a noble attempt at indignation but an amused twitch at the corner of her mouth gave her away. “In that case, I shall save future performances for someone who can appreciate them. “
“Like Frank? “
At the mention of her second husband, the woman’s smile broadened into a melting grin. “Yes. He hasn’t seen through me yet. ” “Of course he has. He just loves you anyway” Jessica fiddled with a blade of grass. “You know, it occurred to me that you and Frank will be celebrating your twentieth anniversary this year. ” “Gracious, ” Aysla murmured, seeming stunned by the realization. “Time does fly. “
“We should do something special. “
“Every day Frank and I are together is special. ” She cocked her head, regarding her daughter thoughtfully. ” What is it, Jessica? You look so sad. ” “Do I?” She forced a brighter expression but it crumbled beneath her mother’s reproachful gaze. “All right. I suppose I am feeling a bit, well, sentimental. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about- ” she slid her mother an apprehensive glance”
” - about Daddy. “
Aysla’s eyes clouded. “I think about him, too. ” ‘ For some reason, that was surprising. “You do? ” “Of course. I loved your father deeply. ” She idly fingered a clod of rich dirt. “I still miss him, you know. ” ‘
“But you have Frank. “
“Yes. ” Her eyes were suddenly moist. “Some people live their entire lives without experiencing the kind of love that has blessed me twice. I’m a very lucky woman. ” ‘ Jessica swallowed a guilty twinge and was unable to meet her mother’s eyes.
“I’m glad you’re happy. “
“Hmm. Is there an unspoken but at the end of that sentence ?” “No. I really mean it. Frank is a wonderful man. He’s always been a good father to me and I love him. ” “I know you do. ” Aysla brushed her palms. “I also know that there was a time that you didn’t like him very much. “
Jessica winced. “Was I that transparent? “
“All ten-year-olds are transparent, although you tried very hard to keep your feelings to yourself. ” Lazily stretching out on the cool grass, Aysla propped herself up on one elbow. “Don’t be so hard on yourself, Jessica. It’s perfectly normal that you’d have resented seeing another man in my life.
After all, your father had only been gone a couple of years. “
Still staring at the green blade in her hand, Jessica replied with a somber nod. ” “I think it would have been easier to accept Frank if he hadn’t been so good-looking” The comment so startled the older woman that her hand slipped away from her head and her entire body jerked in response. “Why on earth would that make any difference ?” Feeling shallow and petty, Jessica shrugged in much the same way she’d done as a child. ” “It’s just that you two made such a stunning couple-everyone said so-and it got me thinking about why you’d chosen Daddy when you could have had your pick of men.. because you were so beautiful , that is.. and Daddy, well, he wasn’t very, uh.. oh, shoot. ” Frustrated, she tossed the shredded grass aside and flopped on her back. The sudden movement jarred off her cap. She didn’t bother to retrieve it. “I sound like an idiot. Forget everything I’ve just said. ” ‘ Aysla chewed her lip, staring into space though contemplating something quite profound. After a moment, she spoke quietly. “The first time I saw your father was at a college track meet. There were a lot of people in the bleachers that day but your dad stuck out like a sore thumb. ” She chuckled at the memory. “Here was this mountain of a man wearing a psychedelic shirt and absolutely surrounded by beautiful young women. At first I thought they were posing for some kind of joke photograph. ” ‘ Jessica rolled to her side and levered up on her elbow. “But they weren’t? ” “No. The women were his friends, as were the half-dozen men in the group. ” Aysla gave her daughter’s cheek a maternal caress. “The very first time I looked into your father’s beautiful eyes and saw the glory of that gentle soul, I understood why everyone loved him. Because 1 loved him, too. “
A lump rose in Jessica’s throat. She blinked away the gathering tears.
She wanted to speak, to blurt out the hidden fears behind her superficial query but found it impossible to articulate feelings that she didn’t even understand. For some reason, it was desperately important to know how love felt, to be assured that the sweetest of all emotions really was blind to the flaws of human flesh. But as always, her mother’s wisdom exceeded her own. “We don’t choose love, ” Aysla said quietly. “Love chooses us. It’s not always easy to recognize, particularly when fear erects a barrier around the heart. The important thing is that love looks beyond the surface. ” She reached out and took her daughter’s hand. “When love chooses you, my darling, your scars won’t matter. You know that, don’t you? ” “Yes, ” Jessica whispered. “I know it here-” she touched her forehead” but sometimes when I look into the mirror, something inside of me weeps. I know it’s trite and self-centered because my scars are minor compared to those of so many others. And I tell myself that a man looking for physical perfection is a man I don’t want. “
“You’ve been giving yourself very good advice. But do you believe it? “
“Yes, I do believe it. “
“Then what is it that is frightening you? “
The words slipped out before Jessica had time to consider them. ” “Loss frightens me. ” Looking stunned, Aysla released her daughter’s hand while Jessica struggled to explain. “I’m more afraid of losing love than of never finding it at all. “
“Why do you think you would lose it? “
“Because nothing is forever. When we lost Daddy, the grief nearly destroyed us both. That’s one reason I was so upset when you married Frank. I just couldn’t believe you’d take the chance of going through that again. ” Avoiding her mother’s shocked gaze, Jessica gathered her courage and finally expressed the secret fears that had haunted her since childhood. “I know that death is a part of life but I always shoved thoughts of it to the back of my mind… until I got sick. “
Aysla went white. “You’re not going to die, Jessica. The cancer is gone.
You’re cured and you’re going to live for a long, long time. ” While conceding that was probably true, Jessica was nonetheless aware that recurrence was always a frightening possibility. Her own life, however, wasn’t at the crux of her fear. It was Devon’s. How could she have fallen in love with a man who challenged death at every turn? Life was so fragile. That lesson, which Jessica had repeatedly learned, was one Devon seemed destined to ignore. How could she allow herself to love him, to risk another agonizing loss?
And yet, how could she not?
Frank’s tense voice echoed from the back porch breaking Jessica’s silent meditation. “Aysla, dear, could you please come into the house? Quickly, please. ” “I’ll be right there. ” She frowned, apparently as perplexed by her husband’s strained request as was Jessica. She stood and dusted herself. Jessica rose to her knees, glancing over her shoulder. She saw nothing but cotoneaster leaves. “He sounds upset. ” “He’s probably misplaced his reading glasses. You know how annoyed Frank becomes if the least little thing is out of place. ” She laid a hand on her daughter’s shoulder to keep her from rising. “Stay here and relax. I’ll be back in a few minutes and we’ll talk some more. ” With that, Aysla followed a worn path through the hedge and disappeared. After a moment Jessica heard her parents’ hushed voices. Then the back door closed and the yard fell silent. Jessica sat there, alone, lost in thought as she gazed out at the sliver of ocean visible beyond the cliff.
It was, she thought, like the edge of forever. Forever. It was an enticing word, yet a frightening one. Nothing was forever.. was it? And then, as though responding to her silent question, the cotoneasters rustled at her back. When Jessica turned, she realized that forever had a face.
Chapter Ten.
For an instant Jessica thought she was seeing a mirage. Then a light breeze cooled her scalp-her bare scalp-where Devon’s astonished gaze had settled. Embarrassed, she quickly replaced the cap and yanked it halfway down her forehead. A prickly flush warmed her face. She avoided his gaze and forced a nervous laugh. “When I have a bad hair day, it’s a doozy” Instead of smiling, his eyes filled with what Jessica interpreted as pity.
She went rigid. “What are you doing here anyway? “
“I needed to see you. ” “You’ve seen me. Now go home. Please. ” That final tremulous word would have seemed like an afterthought except for the desperation of its delivery. Devon stood his ground like a traumatized statue. “Why didn’t you tell me? “
“Tell you what? That I have a lousy hairdresser? “
“Why didn’t you tell me that you’re ill? ” The fact that he’d carefully avoided saying the word cancer didn’t escape her notice. “I was ill. Now I’m recovering” Sighing, she rubbed her eyelids.
“How did you find out? “
“My father told me. “
For some reason, that wasn’t a surprise. “I wish he hadn’t. “
“And I wish you’d trusted me enough to take me into your confidence. ” There was no accusation in his voice only sadness. Jessica folded her arms and gazed across the yard. “It isn’t the kind of thing you blurt out to a casual acquaintance. After we became, um, friends, I was afraid ou d treat me differently. “
“Differently? How? “
She shrugged, unable to put into words the devastating effect of an anxious glance, an apprehensive frown, a pitying stare mingled with relief that it had happened to you instead of them. “I was planning to tell you next week, ” she said finally.
He considered that for a moment. “After you got the test results? “
Her head snapped up in shock. “Crandall’s briefing was really quite thorough, wasn’t it? “
“It’s not entirely his fault. I was pretty relentless. “
“No one browbeats Crandall Monroe. Your father never says anything that he doesn’t want to say. ” She set her jaw, angry that Crandall had betrayed her trust.
“My father knew this weekend would be difficult for you, ” Devon said.
“He thought you could use a friend. “
“I have friends, ” she replied tightly.
“How many of them know what you’ve been dealing with for the past eight months? “
“A few. “
“How few? ” “Damned few, all right? ” She planted her feet and jammed her fists against her hips. “This is a boring subject and I don’t want to talk about it anymore. “
“Why couldn’t you tell them? Having cancer is nothing to be ashamed of-”
Jessica exploded. “I’m getting sick and tired of explaining that I’m not ashamed, ” she shouted. “I’m angry. A bunch of renegade cells that can’t follow genetic instruction have turned my entire life upside down and that ticks me off, okay? “
“Jessie-”
“No!” She held up her palms, sidestepping his outstretched hand. ” “I don’t need anyone to hold me up, thank you. I can walk on my own like a big girl. As for why I didn’t tell my friends, I didn’t want them to put their own lives on hold because they felt obligated to hover over me like irksome insects. And last but certainly not least, I didn’t want my friends looking at me the way you are looking at me right now. “