Testament (22 page)

If those I put closest to me behave like fools, what can I expect of the rest, he said, angry not only because we had acted without his sanction, and brought into danger Simon’s life, but because we had done in secret and by apparent coercion what ought to have been done freely and in celebration. We might have told him then that it was Yihuda who had planted the notion in us, and raised our fears. But Shimon took all of the blame upon himself and said the idea had been his own solely.

So the matter ended in confusion, and I was angry that Yihuda had again been the cause of error for me, and wondered if I would ever be free of his influence. This time, however, it happened that some of the others saw the thing in the same light, because Yaqob, knowing my feelings for Yihuda, came to me and said, We must find the way to send him from us. I saw he was worried that his brother might again fall under Yihuda’s sway; for their father hadn’t known the way to refuse Yihuda his old place at their home.

I would not scheme again as I had and told Yaqob we must go at once to Yeshua. But Yaqob grew uneasy and said we should await our moment so that we might bring a proper charge. In the meanwhile, however, Yihuda continued to stir dissension, always finding the way to make controversy with the crowds whenever Yeshua preached; and in this he was no doubt taking out his resentment at Yeshua’s coolness towards him, which had clearly affected him. He chastised us, for instance, because several of us often travelled to Kefar Nahum now before sabbath fell so that we might be there to say our evening prayers with Yeshua—according to Yihuda, it was a
mark of arrogance in Yeshua that he should require such devotion, since it was in the spirit of the law that the sabbath be spent near our homes. Yet he himself could hardly be bothered to pray, seldom joining us when we did so, as if it were beneath him to abase himself before us in that way.

Since he’d come back his movements had grown even more mysterious than before. He often went into Tiberias, on what missions he didn’t say; and when he returned he was always in a state of great agitation, as if he had committed some crime there. Every manner of suspicion crossed my mind—that he was a murderer or a thief, or that he reported to Herod, or that he was a black marketeer who used Yeshua as his cover—but because of my earlier sin I didn’t dare accuse him. Rather I prayed that he would find the way to accuse himself, and so spare us the need to conspire against him.

Then one evening, when we were at Kefar Nahum, I was sent to find him so he might join us for our meal. I searched the town, going even to the tavern, though I was told he hadn’t set foot there. But passing the assembly house I saw a light through the door and was drawn to see who was inside. I didn’t know why this was so, since it had been many months that those of us with Yeshua hadn’t frequented the place. Thus I was startled to see it was Yihuda who had lit the lamp there, and that he was praying on his knees in front of the Torah chest.

Hearing me at the door, he immediately turned and rose up.

What is it, he said, seeing who it was, and for a moment I couldn’t answer him, so surprised was I at finding him there.

I was sent to call you to supper.

I’ll be along.

And yet I wouldn’t leave him.

I’ll wait for you in the street, I said.

It was some minutes before he joined me, and then in consternation, for clearly he didn’t see why I solicited him in this way when I had always spurned him. The truth was I couldn’t have said so myself; and yet there was something I had seen in the look of him as he prayed there in the assembly house, which was his fear.

You needn’t have waited, he said to me, and set off at once at a brisk pace, so that I was at pains to keep up with him.

After this I looked at him differently. I saw that if he seemed uncouth and ignorant, it was because he didn’t understand us or our ways; and also how he himself knew that he wasn’t one of us, and couldn’t shake his unease among us. So if he stayed with us, it was because he depended on us, and if he hated us, it was also for this, because of his need.

It seemed the Lord had shown me what was inside the man as a rebuke to me, to make me see I’d been mistaken in him. Yet still I couldn’t trust him, or warm myself to him, or melt the hardness I felt towards him. This was surely a failure in me, for Yeshua had taught us to love even the Syrians and the Samaritans whom all the Jews numbered among their enemies, and I couldn’t love even one of our own.

It turned out that in all this time Yaqob had not been idle as I’d supposed, but had been busy sounding out the others on the grievances they held against Yihuda. Because he was forceful, most of the twelve had come around to him and found some complaint to make, that Yihuda had slighted them or had spoken against Yeshua or his mission or had
made some statement that could be held against us. So Yaqob gathered the charges up and went to Shimon with them, so that they might make their case to Yeshua.

This was in the days just before the Passover, when we hoped Yeshua would lead us in pilgrimage to Jerusalem. Because there was a great deal of danger in Jerusalem during the feasts, on account of the soldiers and the crowds, we were anxious to have Yihuda away from us before our journey so he wouldn’t make trouble for us. Shimon waited until Yihuda had gone off one day on his own and went to Yeshua, sending Yohanan off as well, not wanting him there to take Yihuda’s side.

Yeshua, however, didn’t see the thing as we did.

Someone pricks you and you say instead that he stuck a dagger into you, Yeshua said, of the slights we’d endured.

Nonetheless, he saw we were united in the matter. Then one of the twelve, one of the youngest, Yaqob bar Heleph, said, It was Yihuda who convinced us to go against you in Simon’s circumcision.

No one knew what to say to this. We all saw he had put the thing more strongly than was fair, but only in his zeal, hoping to please us. So no one wished to gainsay him and cause him embarrassment.

Yeshua asked Shimon, Is this true.

But because Shimon hesitated, Yeshua thought he meant to affirm the thing.

Yet you took the blame on yourself, Yeshua said, and still Shimon couldn’t bring himself to speak.

Yeshua’s face darkened but he didn’t say another word on the matter. But when Yihuda returned that evening Yeshua invited him to the harbour and rowed out with him
onto the lake in one of Shimon’s boats. We imagined he had listened to what we had told him and would ask Yihuda to leave. Some of us went out to the shore to try to catch sight of them on the water and follow their progress, but though we could hear their voices drifting over the lake, we couldn’t tell what they said, nor could we even make them out in the dark.

We waited until they had rowed back to shore, and Yihuda had gone to his bed, before we dared to ask Yeshua what had passed between them.

We spoke about Jerusalem, Yeshua said, and about our pilgrimage.

We weren’t sure what to make of this.

And what about our petition to you, Shimon said finally.

Yihuda has made a petition too, if not in words, Yeshua said. And it is that we accept him. So if he needs us, then it would be our failure to turn him away.

He said then that he wouldn’t take us into Jerusalem as we’d planned because he hadn’t the stomach to lead a multitude there. We took this as a reprimand, as if we were being punished. But perhaps it was simply that we had soured the thing for him, with our intrigue. I felt ashamed then, understanding this, and remembering how I had seen into Yihuda at the assembly house, yet still wished to be rid of him.

I spent the time of the Passover in Migdal, since Yeshua had refused to lead us and my father, on my mother’s account, seldom made his own pilgrimage. Yeshua had left for Mount Tabor to make a retreat there, taking only Shimon and Yohanan and Yaqob; though we learned on their return that he had made his own pilgrimage in the end, reaching
Jerusalem by way of Samaria. The others had hardly known where he was taking them until they had arrived at the very gates of the city, and indeed had wondered that he would lead them through Samaria, where the Jews were hated. But he told them he had merely wanted to avoid running into his own disciples on the road, so that he might be free to worship in peace.

In Jerusalem, at Yeshua’s request, they had gone about quietly to avoid calling attention to themselves. But despite Yeshua’s intentions he ended up attracting a crowd one day in the temple precincts when he debated one of the scholars there. It was his misfortune that an enemy was among the crowd then, a teacher from Ammathus named Yibkhar whom Yeshua had once slighted. Yibkhar immediately tried to find the way to discredit Yeshua and so brought the discussion around to the question of the temple tax, knowing that Yeshua, who did not believe a man should be obliged to look to the welfare of the temple priests before that of his own family, had often spoken against it. The Judeans, of course, found Yeshua’s view sacrilege; and so Yibkhar was able to turn the crowd against him, to the extent that some among it, enraged that a Galilean would question their customs, threatened Yeshua with violence.

All this would have been of no great concern, however, had the matter ended there. But Yibkhar, it turned out, was also a merchant to Herod’s court, and when he returned to Galilee he began to plant lies in the ears of Herod’s courtiers, charging that Yeshua had nearly provoked a riot and that he had skulked around Jerusalem hiding even from his own followers like a fugitive or a rebel. There was enough truth in what he said for him to find corroboration. So the matter
must have come to the attention of Herod himself, who no doubt began to fear that Yeshua would become a thorn to him as Yohanan had been. In Kefar Nahum two men appeared at the time asking after Yeshua and putting all sorts of questions about him to people, claiming they were from a village in the north, though it was clear from their manner and their dress that they had come out of Tiberias.

Hearing of them, Yeshua went to them at once.

We heard of your fame, they said to him, and wanted to learn your message.

But Yeshua, knowing who had sent them, said, You surprise me, since usually dogs chase the fox, but you do one’s bidding, for the fox was the name we gave to Herod.

For all their questions, the men couldn’t find any evidence of wrongdoing on Yeshua’s part. But they had heard from the townspeople how the crowds loved him, and had seen with their own eyes how he was afraid of no one. So they must have put fear into Herod, because not long afterwards a certain Chizkijah of Bersaba began to appear in the crowd whenever Yeshua preached. This was a man who was well known, for he was often in our towns pretending to be one of us in order to find out our neighbours’ secrets or who of us sympathized with the rebels. Now, however, he made no effort to hide his intentions, and indeed told us openly that he had been sent to catch Yeshua out in some word of treason.

There were some among Yeshua’s followers who wanted to kill the man when they heard this. But Shimon quickly went to them and called them fools, making them see that if Chizkijah spoke so openly, then surely he’d come only to frighten us. Indeed, even now it was said that Herod didn’t dare to lay his hands on Yeshua after everything he’d heard
about him, not only on his own account but because he’d been an acolyte of Yohanan’s, over whose death Herod was now plagued with guilt. Thus we suffered Chizkijah to stay among us without giving him any provocation or cause for complaint, though at every opportunity he put questions to us about the payment of taxes or whether we honoured Herod the king.

Among the twelve, we didn’t imagine that Chizkijah could be any threat to us when so many others had proved none. The truth was we all believed that Herod was foolish to employ the likes of someone as well known and disrespected as Chizkijah, and that it was only because he never came out to the countryside and knew nothing of what went on there that Chizkijah had prevailed upon him to engage his services. In Bersaba, which was Chizkijah’s hometown, it was said that even his own family would have nothing to do with him, and that he had been chased away as a young man because of the debts he had accrued and because of other infamies; and even in appearance he was wretched and ugly, being humpbacked and thin-limbed and with a foul odour to him like a leper. Yeshua had taught us not to make our judgements from the appearance of a man; but Chizkijah seemed truly punished by God in his deformities, since the outer look of him was so much the mirror of his inner nature. Yet it was from Chizkijah that a great threat to us took shape, for it was exactly because no one took him into account that he was able to insinuate himself among us and cause us harm.

From the very start we were put off our guard, since it seemed so simple a matter for Yeshua to avoid the traps that Chizkijah set for him. He was quick to ask about the
kingdom, saying he had heard others speak of it and wondered if it was a place of the heavens or of the earth.

But Yeshua, knowing his intentions, said, What do those you speak to tell you.

Truly I don’t think they’ve understood you, Chizkijah said, because some say it’s in heaven, some on earth, and the rest somewhere in between, at which many in the crowd laughed, for though people despised him, he was clever enough to amuse them.

Yeshua said, Then they’ve answered rightly, since it’s all these things.

But how can it be on the earth, Chizkijah said, when the Galilee belongs to Herod and Judea to Rome.

Tell me this, who does the wind belong to, Yeshua asked him.

How can the wind belong to anyone.

Then the kingdom is like the wind, Yeshua said, which is in heaven and on earth and in between, and belongs to no one.

So Yeshua always found the way to get the better of him, and soon people gave up their fear and let Chizkijah move among us freely. And we grew used to seeing him in the crowd when Yeshua preached, and exchanging a word with everyone as if even he himself did not take his mission seriously but must show his face so that he might collect his payment from Herod.

At the time, the crowds that gathered around Yeshua had grown large, as much as several hundred. It was hard to say, then, who came and went, or what they wanted, and it was all Yeshua could do to deal with these and to tend to the sick, who continued to flock to us. Over time we ceased to pay any mind to Chizkijah at all, since he no longer put
himself forward as he once had, and asked no questions. Yet he did not abandon us, for we would make him out now and again at the edges of the crowd, but looking increasingly dejected and careworn as if he had lost heart for his mission.