Testament (19 page)

It was the end of the summer and a busy time for us, but my father called me from work the instant he’d got word and said we must make our way to Kefar Nahum to be there to greet Yeshua when he arrived. He had one of the labourers prepare our boat, then filled it with fish and provisions so that we might get ready a feast at the house of Shimon. But when we arrived at Kefar Nahum there was a large crowd already awaiting Yeshua at the gates. My father wanted to find the way to include them in the feast but I discouraged him.

There are too many, I said. And how will we know his followers from those who are merely taking advantage.

That isn’t how Yeshua would have us think, my father said, but still he deferred to me, for which I was ashamed, since I knew it was only that I wished to have Yeshua alone with us, free from the crowds. It was my punishment that in the end I caused my father to be shamed along with me, though he had seen the matter rightly, because when Yeshua arrived and heard that food had been prepared, he promptly reprimanded us for not having given it out among the sick who awaited him. That was the greeting that we had from him, then, and no feast at all, for when he had finished with the sick, he said he was tired from his journey and sent us on our way.

I couldn’t have borne the humiliation of this and the coldness with which he greeted us, which indeed confirmed
my every fear, had it not been clear to me at once that he was not himself. At first I imagined that some calamity had befallen him along the road. But I’d noticed the fourth who accompanied Shimon and the others as if he’d made himself one of them. His look set him apart—he wasn’t solid like we Galileans, but small-boned and thin and his skin as dark as an Arab’s, almost black. Several times Yeshua spoke to him as he went about tending to the sick, but in a manner I hardly recognized—it was the manner of city people, who smiled and raised their voices, but behind every word seemed to hide a dozen that went unspoken.

By the following morning it was clear that along with the stranger had come an evil influence. We awoke to the news of the prophet Yohanan’s death—in Migdal the word came through at dawn, out of Tiberias. My father and I immediately set out for Kefar Nahum, to find a large crowd had already gathered there at Shimon’s gate to await some word from Yeshua. A wail of mourning had gone up, but though there was much bitterness among people, there was no disorder.

While we were waiting, however, I saw the stranger approaching from the far gates, which led out to the Roman camp, and not long afterwards a contingent of soldiers arrived. I didn’t know what to make of this except that he was a spy who had been sent to us and had called the soldiers in the hope of provoking a riot, so that Yeshua might be arrested as the cause of it. If that was the case, he hadn’t reckoned that the garrison’s commander, Ventidius, a Sidonian who had lived among us for many years, was one of those whom Yeshua had won over. Thus his soldiers held back and didn’t disturb our mourning, and when Yeshua
emerged to address the crowd, Ventidius at once took the chance to express his own outrage at Herod’s crime.

Yeshua had already begun his own mourning and came to us with his robe torn and his head blackened. At the sight of him the crowd was instantly silenced. He did not mince his words then, but spoke openly of Yohanan’s death, comparing him to the ancient prophets who, like him, had been persecuted by their leaders and had seen their warnings ignored. Then he told us of the years he had spent with Yohanan in the desert—there were many, he said, who had called Yohanan a madman, and he’d had the look of one, but his madness had been that of truth, which had the appearance of madness to those who had never heard it spoken before.

When Yeshua had finished he retreated to return to his mourning, and the crowd gradually dispersed. Those of us who were with the twelve gathered outside Shimon’s gate then. I thought the stranger would drift away with the crowd, but instead he inserted himself among us, and prevailed upon Yohanan to introduce him. He gave himself out as Yihuda from Qiryat, in the Negeb of Judea. But when Philip asked how many days’ journey his town was from Kefar Nahum, he couldn’t tell us.

It was only when Shimon led us all out to Yeshua at the lakeshore to take our morning meal with him that I understood Yihuda did not intend to leave us. Surely, I thought, he knew that some of us had seen him coming from the garrison. But when we sat for our meal he instantly took his place in our circle, rudely, so that it seemed he would eat without so much as a prayer, even though he presented himself as if he were a person of breeding. Then when we came
to discuss Yohanan’s death, many of us couldn’t feel free because of his presence.

Yaqob, speaking cautiously, asked if we might not protest Herod’s actions to Rome.

Surely you understand it was the Romans who killed Yohanan, Yihuda said, tempting us to treason. When none of us would respond, he tried to provoke us by insult, accusing us of being Rome’s pawns.

We have no quarrel with anyone, Thaddaios said. It’s not our way.

To our surprise, however, Yeshua took the part of Yihuda.

If we have no quarrel with anyone, then we stand for nothing, he said. How is it that Yohanan is dead, if he had no quarrel. Do you imagine our road is different from his.

We were all silenced by this. Not long afterwards Yeshua sent us away, so that only Shimon and Yihuda remained with him. The rest of us, in our disturbance, at once met at the house of Yaqob and Yohanan.

Perhaps he is a spy, I said, but the others wouldn’t give me credence.

Yaqob said, The teacher has called him, as he called us. It’s not right to question him.

He encourages us to question him, I said.

Not in such things. Only in his teachings. And then only to show us our errors.

The following day we learned from Shimon that Yeshua had asked Yihuda to join the twelve. I was astonished at this and that the others made no protest to Yeshua, when we stood in such threat in the wake of Yohanan’s death. It seemed to me that the others had been bewitched, that they accepted Yihuda so blindly; and indeed it was true that we
behaved strangely, as if we weren’t what we’d been. The men all called Yeshua teacher now whenever they spoke to him—perhaps there was no evil in this, it merely showed respect, yet it seemed Yihuda whom they deferred to, as if he was the one who would judge us. But when I spoke of these things, when I said, We are changed, or, Yihuda means us harm, the men wouldn’t listen.

Once he and I were left alone on the beach as I cleared the remains of our meal.

What’s your name, he said to me, and I was amazed that after the many days he had been with us he still didn’t know me.

I’m Miryam, I said. I imagined he would share some thought with me then, but he said only, Fetch me some water to wash, as if I were nothing.

I could not stop my apprehension then, but felt it grow larger day by day, that we had allowed this one among us not knowing him or who had sent him. After a time, I went to Shimon. Yihuda was often insolent with him, calling him the Rock to his face, which was only for Yeshua to do. But because Yihuda was a guest in his house, Shimon was reluctant to speak against him.

He is our test, he said. Even if we despise him, we have to make a place for him, the way Yeshua has taught us.

Perhaps he’s an agent of the evil one, I said.

If he had been sent by the evil one, Shimon said, Yeshua would know it.

But to me it seemed Yihuda grew stronger at every turn, so that soon he would rule us.

Not long after his arrival he managed to take charge of the common purse. I didn’t know what argument he had
made to win this trust, or how Yeshua had given in to it when there were so many who relied on him, whether it be the sick whom he fed and purchased medicines for or the destitute, cretins and cripples and the like in the towns we went to who often enough depended on him for their very lives. None of the others made any objection to Yihuda’s assuming this power—since many of them lived solely by barter, they in fact preferred that the monies entrusted to us be handled by those who understood such things. I, however, the daughter of a merchant, saw more clearly what Yihuda gained by this, and the danger in which we stood. Indeed, of the sums that came in to us from Yeshua’s followers, not a small portion came from my own father, and I couldn’t feel easy that this money fell to Yihuda’s care.

Our meetings were utterly changed from what they had been. Yihuda was quick to speak his mind on every matter that came before us; and so he would catch Yeshua’s interest and draw him out, leaving no place for anyone else. He claimed he had studied at the temple in Jerusalem, and it was true he was well versed in the scriptures and knew how to use them to his own end, so that sometimes even Yeshua was forced to defer to his greater learning. But this was no mark of piety in him, but only of cunning, since like a Greek he might support a notion one day if it suited him and refute it the next. I’d heard these were the sorts of skills one learned now in the temple, where the priests made arguments merely for their own convenience and believed in nothing but their purses. Yet I couldn’t conceive that Yeshua would be taken in by such devices.

Then there was the matter of Shimon’s brother, Andreas. As a boy, he had nearly drowned in the lake and had never
again been right in his mind, so that although he was more gentle than most and caused harm to no one, he was also more susceptible to evil influence. Yihuda, seeing this, had promptly taken advantage of him, giving him the occasional almond or fig to win him over and then treating him like his slave. When he couldn’t be bothered to join us for our meals, he had Andreas bring him his portion; if he was cold in the night, he called to Andreas to bring a blanket to warm him. To my own eyes, it was clear that Yihuda had enchanted Andreas and that he stood in peril; yet somehow Yeshua was blind to this. Before Yihuda had come, Yeshua had always treated Andreas like his own brother or son. But now he suffered Yihuda’s abuse of him as if it amused him, and indeed said it was a mark of Yihuda’s goodness that one so innocent should worship him.

At last, as the others would say nothing, it fell to me to speak to Yeshua. It was difficult now to be alone with him, because Yihuda hardly left him in peace; and so I had to come to him at dawn and ask him to follow me to the lakeshore.

When we reached the beach I thought at first from his silence that he was out of temper with me. But when he spoke he said, I have missed our walks, and in an instant my heart was in his hands.

I’ve also missed them, I said.

It was sunrise and there were many fishing boats near the shore, some returning and some going out. As a child, I would watch them from our porch and imagine that the lake they plied was the world entire, with its depths and its distant shores. But now the lake seemed small, since Yeshua had come.

Yeshua walked with me near the water.

I wouldn’t think to question you, I said. But once you encouraged us to.

Yes.

I think Yihuda means us harm.

Has he offended you in some way.

No, I said, for it didn’t seem right to mention how he had slighted me on the beach.

Then why are you troubled.

For your sake.

Do you think him stronger than me.

No.

Then you needn’t concern yourself over him. In the scriptures, God accepted challenges even from Satan. So if Yihuda is a force for good, then we’ll learn from him, if for evil, then we’ll defeat him.

I was left disturbed by this, still uncertain how Yeshua could admit among us someone who might do us harm. I might have questioned him further yet he had begun to seem a stranger to me, changed as though I saw him across a great distance. Walking with him then I had a sensation almost of fear—for the first time, it seemed, I was aware of him as simply a man, as someone utterly separate from me.

It wasn’t long before we women, who knew more of these things than the men, heard rumours of how Yihuda in fact did do injury to us. Because he refused to go out on the boats with the others, he often spent his days in the markets and taverns; and there, through his idle talk, he had revived Aram’s lie concerning the lepers, that they had begun to follow Yeshua wherever he went and threatened to overrun us. This was hardly the case—as the lepers knew that Yeshua would come to them, they had no need to seek him out. Yet
the rumours had done us no little harm, for although people had been able to see with their own eyes that they were untrue, many had been happy to judge us solely on hearsay. It was just at a time when we were laying these falsehoods to rest that Yihuda began putting questions here and there and encouraging gossip again, so that people were quick to add one exaggeration to another and to circulate every sort of lie. Thus people’s fears were rekindled; and since the occasional leper did indeed arrive in search of Yeshua, people had proof enough that their fears were justified.

Around this time there was a man in Korazin who had been condemned as a leper who refused to go into his quarantine, saying the wonder-worker Yeshua would come to cure him. This was a person well known as a troublemaker, who had always sought every means for avoiding the law. But the landowner Matthias, who was Yeshua’s enemy, didn’t miss this chance to stir up hatred against Yeshua, and prevailed upon Korazin’s elders to have him banned from the town as an evil influence. So it was that one morning we arrived at Korazin’s gates to find the town guards lined up there to bar us entry, bearing knives and clubs. Such a thing had never happened to us—even at Tsef no one had dared to come openly bearing weapons. But Yihuda, instead of taking the blame on himself for feeding people’s fears, at once turned it onto Yeshua.

For the sake of the few you win over among the lepers, you risk losing all the rest, he said, much as Aram had months before at Arbela.

I thought that surely Yeshua would now put him in his place. But instead he did a thing that passed comprehension: he invited Yihuda to accompany him the following day on
his visit to the Arbela colony. This was a trust he hadn’t shown any of the rest of us, though I, for one, would gladly have undertaken it. I was astounded now that he had extended it to this one who was such a serpent among us. So it was that the next day while Shelomah and I waited outside the gates of the colony as we usually did, Yihuda stayed by Yeshua’s side. I could hardly bear this, or how Yihuda came back to us afterwards boasting about Yeshua’s good work, though it seemed to me he was the one who had least understood it if it took so much to convince him of its worth.