Ten Tiny Breaths (31 page)

“I used alcohol and drugs to drown out the
pain at first. Then I moved on to violence and sex. But now,” I
look directly at Dr. Stayner, “I just appreciate the fact that I
can hug my sister, and laugh with my friends, and walk, and run.
That I am alive. That I can breathe.”

I’m above water.

And this time I’m staying where I belong.

***

A loud rush of clapping greets me at Penny’s
as I turn the corner to find everyone waiting for me. Nate’s the
first to greet me, stooping down and lifting me up into an enormous
bear hug. I don’t even flinch with the contact. I’ve learned to
appreciate it fully again.

“I always knew you were batshit crazy.” Ben
hollers from somewhere. I whirl around in time for him to scoop me
up and hold me tight to his body. “And tough as nails, for
surviving all of that,” he adds softly in my ear. “I would have
cried like a five year old girl. You okay?”

I pat his arm as he puts me down. “I’m
getting there. I’ve got a really long road ahead.”

“Well, it hasn’t been the same without you
here, I can tell you that much,” he says. His brow suddenly
furrows. “Hey, so is that your sister over there?” His head nods
toward Livie, who’s standing with Storm and Dan. “Because, I was
thinking of asking her—”

“She’s fifteen.” I smack him playfully in the
stomach. “Have they not taught you the meaning of statutory rape in
school yet, Lawyer Boy?”

His eyes widen in surprise, his hands going
up in a sign of surrender. “Dammit,” I hear him mutter under his
breath, shaking his head as he gives Livie another quick once
over.

It’s just before opening and the girls are in
their outfits—or lack thereof—so Mia has stayed home with a sitter.
Livie’s eyes stick to Storm and Dan, afraid to wander anywhere.
Tanner’s there too, his jaw hanging open shamelessly.

The biggest surprise though? My
unconventional quack is there.

“I’m not sure this constitutes healthy
patient-doctor protocol,” I joke, poking him in the ribs.

He chuckles as he throws his arm around me in
a side hug. “Neither does punching your doctor in the face … twice,
but I let that slide so do me a solid.”

Livie and Storm’s mouths drop open while Dan
and Ben double over, laughing.

“Champagne, anyone?” Cain sweeps through with
a pat on the back and a tray of tall, filled flutes. A twinge of
familiarity saddens the moment as I remember the last time someone
handed me a champagne flute. I was with Trent.

I miss him. I miss his eyes, his touch, the
way he made me feel.

That’s right. I can admit it to myself now
without guilt or anger or resentment.

I miss Trent. I miss him every day.

A hand slips under my elbow and squeezes.
It’s Storm. She somehow senses the turmoil going on inside me. She
understands.

“To the toughest nut I’ve ever had the
pleasure of cracking,” Dr. Stayner announces and we all clink
glasses and sip.

“So, am I cured, Doc?” I ask, savoring the
sweet fizzy liquid pooling in my mouth for more than the taste of
it. It reminds me of Trent’s mouth, of the last time that he kissed
me.

He winks. “I’ll never use the word cured,
Kacey. Healed is a better word. There’s one last epic step in your
recovery before I’d say you’re on your way to healing properly
though.”

My brow quirks. “Oh yeah? And what’s
that?”

“I can’t tell you. You’ll know when you know.
Trust me.”

I quirk my brow playfully. “Trust a
quack?”

“I very expensive quack,” he adds with a
wink.

Speaking of which
… “So who is this
friend of a friend of a friend of Dan’s who got me in to see you? I
should probably thank them,” I ask innocently.

Dr. Stayner’s eyes flash to Storm and then
quickly avert to the bar. “Oh, look! Caviar!” He slips away to a
platter which, no doubt does
not
have caviar. That pretty
much confirms it for me, but I play along anyway. “Livie?”

She looks like the proverbial cat who
swallowed the canary. “Don’t get mad?”

I wait, smoothing my expression.

“Trent’s dad paid for it all.”

I mock gasp and level her with my best
glare.

Livie rushes to explain, all flustered and
red-faced. “You needed help, Kacey and it’s really expensive help.
I didn’t want to put you in some government-paid shit because they
didn’t help you last time, and the wait lists were too long and—”
Tears well up. “Carter had you listed as Dr. Stayner’s patient in
under an hour. Dr. Stayner is a friend of theirs and he’s really
good and—” The tears are streaming now. “Please don’t digress.
You’re doing so well. Please don’t.”

“Livie!” I grab hold of her shoulders and
shake her. “It’s okay. I figured it out already. And you did the
right thing.”

She swallows. “I did?” There’s a delay and
then she punches my arm, her face twisting in a scowl. “You knew
and you let me freak out?”

I laugh and pull her to me in a tight hug.
“Yes, Livie. You always do the right thing. You know, I always
think I need to take care of you, but in truth you’re the one who
takes care of me. You always have.”

She laughs softly as she rubs the tears away
with the back of her hand.

I pause, not sure if I should ask, but I do
anyway. “Have you talked to Carter about Trent?”

Livie nods and offers me a gentle smile. I
told her about Trent’s goodbye. I’m pretty sure I heard her crying
through the phone. Even she can’t hate Trent. “Carter calls me
every few weeks to check in. Trent’s doing well, Kacey. Really
good,” she whispers.

“Good,” I nod, smiling. I don’t ask anymore.
It’s best that we stay apart, I know that. But it still hurts
inside. God it still hurts. But feeling is okay, I tell myself. I
won’t hurt forever.

“So, girls, I have to tell you something,”
Storm interrupts us and looks up at Dan. With a nod from him, she
announces, “I’m leaving Penny’s. I’m going to open up an acrobatics
school!”

Livie and I must be mirror images of each
other with our jaws hanging open.

“But that’s not all, Dan just bought a house
on the beach and he’s asked Mia and I to move in with him and I
said yes. Well,” she rolls her eyes, “Mia said yes and what she
says goes.”

There’s a moment of silence before Livie
throws her arms around Storm. “That’s great, Storm!” She begins to
cry again. “Oh, these are happy tears, really. I’m going to miss
you so much.”

Bittersweet delight washes over me as Storm
and I exchange a glance over Livie’s shoulder. I’m going to miss
living next door to her. Everything’s changing. Everyone’s moving
on.

“I was counting on that because,” Storm
pushes Livie back for a moment and takes a deep breath, suddenly
nervous. “The house is big. I mean, huge. Dan inherited money from
his grandma. We have five bedrooms there. And … well … you two have
become such an important part of our lives and I want it to stay
that way. So we were thinking you guys could move in with us.”

I look from Livie to Storm to Dan. “Are you
sure
you
don’t need therapy, Dan?” I ask with all
seriousness.He only chuckles, pulling Storm close to him.

Storm plows on. “Livie, you can concentrate
on getting that scholarship to Princeton that I know you’re going
to get. Kacey—” she fixes me with a stern look, taking hold of my
hands in hers, “—figure out what you want in life and go after it.
I’m here for you every step of the way. I’m not going
anywhere.”

I nod, biting my lip to stop myself from
crying. It doesn’t work. Soon, I can’t see her through my
tears.

My happy tears.

***

“Sure is going to be quiet without you ladies
around here,” Tanner says, scratching his head as he sits down
beside me on the park bench in the commons. It’s nine at night and
dark. The movers are coming in the morning for our things.

“Like what you’ve done with the place,
Tanner,” I say as I take in the tiny white Christmas lights strung
through freshly pruned bushes. The gardens are weeded and cut back
and there’re a few tiny purple flowers blooming throughout. A new
barbeque sits next to a picnic table and, by the lingering scent of
grilled meat in the air, I’d say the commons is finally getting
some use.

“That’s all your sister’s doing,” Tanner
mumbles. “Kept herself busy while you were away.” He leans back and
settles crossed arms on his protruding belly. “So now I’ve got
three apartments to fill. Yours, Storm’s, and 1D.”

Without meaning to, I peer over my shoulder
at the dark window and sadness lingers. “You haven’t rented it yet?
Trent’s been gone for months.” Saying his name makes my mouth dry
up and a hollowness blossom inside me.

“Yeah, I know. But he paid for six months.
Plus I was hopin’ he might show up again.” He picks at his
fingernails in silence for a moment. “I heard the whole story.
Livie told me. Tough thing for both of you.”

I nod slowly.

Tanner stretches his legs out. “Did I ever
tell you about my brother?”

“Uh … no …?”

“Name was Bob. He went out one night with his
girlfriend. Had one beer too many. Thought he was fine to drive.
Hey, it happens. No excuse, but it happens. Wrapped his car around
a tree. Killed his girlfriend.” I wait quietly for Tanner to
continue, watching his hands fumble and his one leg jitter. “He was
never the same after that. I found him hanging in Dad’s barn six
months later.”

“I …” I swallow as I reach forward
tentatively and pat Tanner on the shoulder. “I’m so sorry, Tanner.”
That’s all I can say.

He nods, accepting my condolences. “It’s a
terrible accident on all fronts. The wrong doer. The victims. They
all suffer somethin’ fierce, don’t you think?”

“Yes, you’re right,” I answer hoarsely,
concentrating on the tiny Christmas lights, wondering if Tanner
needed two months of intense therapy to come to that
realization.

“Well, anyway,” Tanner stands up. “I hope
Bob’s at peace now. I like to think he met up with Kimmy in Heaven.
Maybe she forgave him for what he did to her.” Tanner walks away
with his hands in his pockets, leaving me to stare at the dark
window in 1D.

And suddenly I know what I need to do.

I can barely dial Dr. Stayner’s number, my
hands trembling. He gave it to me in case of emergencies. This is
an emergency.

“Hello?” the smooth voice answers and I
picture him sitting in a wing chair by a fire with his glasses
sitting on his nose, reading a
Shrinks Today
magazine.

“Dr. Stayner?”

“Yes, Kacey? Are you alright?”

“Yes, I am. Dr. Stayner, I have a favor to
ask of you. I know it’s probably an abuse of our relationship and
confidentiality but—”

“What is it, Kacey?” I can hear the patient
smile in his voice.

“Tell him that I forgive him. For
everything.” There’s a long pause. “Dr. Stayner? Can you do that?
Please?”

“I certainly can, Kacey.”

Waves lap at my feet as I walk along the shore line
toward home, watching the sun dive below the horizon for the night.
When Storm said “the beach,” I didn’t know she meant a property
that backs right onto Miami Beach. And when she said “a big house”
I didn’t know she meant a sprawling three story mansion with
wrap-around balconies and a separate wing for Livie and I.
Apparently, Grandma Ryder had her wrinkly fingers in the oil fields
and her only grandchild, Officer Dan, made out like a fox in a
henhouse.

We’ve been here almost five months and I
still haven’t quite settled. I don’t know if it’s because it’s too
beautiful to be real, or if it’s missing something.

Or someone.

Every night, I walk along the beach,
listening to the calm waves lap up onto the shore, appreciating the
fact that I can walk, and run, and breathe. And love. And I wonder
where Trent is. And how he’s doing. If he’s found a good coping
mechanism to help him heal. Dr. Stayner never updated me after that
phone call. I trust that he passed on the message. I have no doubt
about that. I can only hope that it has brought Trent some level of
peace.

But I haven’t pushed further. I have no
right. I’ve asked Livie a few times if she’s heard about Trent from
Carter. Carter makes a point of calling Livie every other Sunday to
check in on us and ask her how school is going. I think Livie
really likes that. It’s like she has a father figure in her life to
help fill the vast hole left after the accident. Maybe, in time,
I’ll be able to talk to him too. I don't know …

Every time I ask about Trent though, she all
but pleads with me not to hurt him or myself by reopening those
wounds. Of course Livie’s right. Livie always knows what’s
best.

I try not to think about Trent moving on with
his life, even though he probably has. Thinking of him with his
arms around anyone else only feeds the deep ache in my chest. I
need more time before I can face that reality. And my love for him,
well, I don’t know that it will ever fade. I’ll just move on with
my life, a part of me always wishing he were in it. Moving on …
Something I haven’t done since my parents died.

My feet slow as I gaze out at the sun
dropping below the horizon, its last light dancing over thousands
of ripples, and I thank God for giving me a second chance.

“I think I like this meeting place better
than the laundromat.”

The sound of that deep voice stops my heart
dead. I gasp and spin around to find blue eyes and a mess of golden
brown hair.

Trent is standing in front of me with his
hands in his pockets. Here, in person.

I struggle to kick start my breathing as my
heart starts up again, only now it’s pounding slow and rhythmic
against my chest cavity. A jumble of emotions slam into me and I
stand frozen, trying to separate and understand each one so I can
deal with them. Not suppress them. No more bottling.