Tap Out (35 page)

I tuck my knees up and lock my heels into the bed frame. What did I just do? I did
that
to my own mother? I don't even know if she took the money. Why didn't I turn on Cameron? Because I'm a fucking pussy, that's why. He would have knocked me the fuck out. I should have let him, because, fuck, if there was any doubt left, it's gone now. I've become one of them.

Everything spins and I gag. Nothing comes but the sensation doesn't dissipate. I hold my shins for a moment and squeeze as hard as I can, pressing my forehead against my knees. I breathe and get calm and even though it's a lie I say to myself over and over,
You're wrong, you are not one of them.

But it's a lie. I once thought I was different because I used fighting to keep myself safe, as protection. I never started shit, just saw it through and tried like hell to finish it. But I started that. I knew I could dominate her and I used that power.
That's
the problem.
That's
abuse. The fuck is wrong with me? I always thought I would never be like them, any of them—the boyfriends, the park trash, the Front. And him. Never like him. I told myself that. I guess I was wrong. Some things are simply beyond my reach. So much, really.

We step out into the cold, Cameron a half length ahead of me. I had to borrow one of his coats, because after I pulled myself together he looked at me and said, “You need something a little heavier.” He stepped into Mom's room and came out with a jacket. She was in bed and I didn't say good-bye, just slid into Cameron's Carhartt, and off we went.

The breeze kicks up and I tuck my hands into the pockets. Something heavy and metal rests inside, but I can't figure out what it is. It's tucked in the liner. I could ask Cam, but holding whatever it is helps me get steady as we approach the steps. I know Rob wasn't bullshitting me, that what I said won't have changed his mind. In a way I'm glad, because he won't have to see the change in me. But still, I'll have to deal with his absence. The Front will take care of that, I'm sure. I follow Cam into Chaz's trailer.

Six guys sit around the kitchen table, eating. They glance up at Cameron, nod, and watch me for a moment before returning to their meals. We turn into the living room and four more guys are sitting on the couch and chairs, plates on their laps. Chaz is one of them and his eyes light up when we
enter. He wipes ketchup off his beard.

“Evenin' fellas. Want some grub?” He points at his plate with his fork.

“Got enough?” Cameron asks and the four around Charity's dad laugh. Chaz takes a swig of his beer.

“Go check the stove, we got a shitload.”

“Thank you.” Cameron turns around and I follow. Fuck, I feel like a douche. Here I am following Cam around like a pet. If I'm one of them I'd better start acting like it.

Cameron puts a plate together and then I pile up macaroni and a couple of hot dogs on my own, grab a soda, and go sit on the couch. Fortunately, Cameron sits in a chair across the room. My stomach is squirming like a baby in the womb, but I choke down a few forkfuls of the noodles. Chaz is watching me.

“So, Vo-Tec, I hear good things 'bout you.”

“Thanks,” I manage. My voice is weak.

He smiles and has a wizened grandfather look about him, which is so odd considering what he is. “Not often that I hear good things from Johnny B.” He turns to the group. “Fucker can't stand Marcus.”

The men laugh and someone mutters, “Fuckin' nigger.”

“But it's good, Vo-Tec, all good about you. That's what we need, young fellas like you and Dave and Rob. Not crusty fucks like Cam.”

Again, the guys laugh, but so does Cameron. He looks up from his plate to Charity's dad. “Us crusty fucks know a whole lot more than these boys, though. Still wet behind the ears, ya know?”

“No doubt about it. But Vo-Tec here and Dave sure got something else wet over at Johnny B's.”

He laughs and it's like gunshot. My throat starts to
revolt, and I clamp my mouth shut, keeping down the hot dog I was swallowing. I cannot blow chunks in this room.

“Do well tonight, Vo-Tec, and we may take a ride up to Johnny B's.”

The men cheer and I feel Cameron's eyes on me. I look over, and sure enough, he's staring as if trying to see inside, figure me the fuck out. I hold his gaze for a second and then turn back to my meal, just in case he sees a glimmer of how I truly feel.

The door opens and in walks Dave and Marcus. Dave's all smiles and turns into the kitchen yelling, “It's on tonight!” Marcus hangs back and looks into the living room. He juts his chin at me, and I return the gesture. Cameron watches us but finishes what's on his plate. Chaz sips his beer but doesn't speak. Dave comes into the room, still smiling and shakes hands with him. “Tonight's the night, huh?”

Charity's dad eyes him. “Settle the fuck down, Dave, you're making me nervous.”

Dave cocks his head, and the smile falls away. He turns around, sees me, and then takes a seat at the end of the couch. Marcus stands in the corner.

“Boys, clear your shit and get in here.” Chaz swigs the rest of his beer and then crushes the can in his palm.

Chairs scrape and the garbage can strains from the plates being stuffed into it. I look down at my food, one hot dog and most of the macaroni left, but I don't get up to toss it because no one in this room moved an inch when Charity's dad spoke. The guys from the kitchen pile in and stand along the wall, like Marcus, arms crossed over their barrel chests. The food I've eaten feels like rocks in my stomach.

“All right, we're all here, so let's get started.” Charity's dad nods.

“Where's Rob?” Dave asks.

Although the question is innocent, I close my eyes and whisper, “Fuck you.”

When I open them, guys are looking around the room as if maybe Rob's in bathroom taking a shit or something. Charity's dad turns to me. “Vo-Tec, where is he?”

I swallow. I knew it would come to this, so at least I'm prepared. “I don't know, he told me he was coming.” I try to sound as honest as I can, but see the question spread over Chaz's face.

“I'll go get his ass.” Dave stands and I swallow.

“Sit down.” Charity's dad's face has tightened. “It's not like he forgot.” He pauses and that same wizened air becomes sinister. “No, something's up, and Vo-Tec is gonna let us know what.”

All heads swivel as one, and I stare at the dirty carpet, worn down by the traffic of their heavy boots. I force my mind to go blank. If I can't think, then I can't throw Rob in. I just have to play stupid, something I've done so long now, I might as well be it. Besides, Rob may have pussied out, but it's not like I don't understand that.

“I said, Vo-Tec's gonna give us the answer.”

I look up and the faces have all hardened. Cameron's coiled on his seat, like a dog waiting for the command to sic. My heart slams into my chest and Chaz must see something he doesn't like. He gives a short nod and before I can think to move, Cameron's cracked me one off the cheek. My food topples to the floor, but I hold my posture, do not wince or cry out, in spite of the pain. Cameron hovers over me, bouncing on his toes.

“Make this easy, Vo-Tec. You're his boy, we all know that. And you know where he is.”

I don't even bother to open my mouth to answer, just brace for the next punch, which comes with the same precision to my other cheek. Cameron stands over me, but I refuse to look up at him. To think that just an hour ago, I wanted him to hurt my mother. Serves me right.

“Vo-Tec, this is not how we want this to go. Rob knows too much and if he's anywhere he shouldn't be, and you don't tell, well, you've eaten your last meal.” Chaz's voice is calm, not even mildly excited, as if he's reading the facts off a label. Because of this, I know he's telling me the truth.

“He might be . . .” The words are strangled in my throat. If I tell, who knows what they'll do? If I don't . . . Fuck, is my life really worth saving? I look past Cameron to Chaz. “He's not at the cops if that's what you're thinking.”

He smiles. “Good boy. Smart.” He inches forward in his seat. “Now, where
is
he?”

I shake my head and wait for the third punch, but Dave yells, “At the gym! I bet he's at class now.”

The room murmurs, and I look back at the floor. Out of my periphery I see Dave bounce up.

“I'll go get him, drag his ass outta there.”

“Sit the fuck down!” Charity's dad's voice rumbles. “Both of you.” Dave and Cameron take their seats.

My face throbs and I wait for whatever's coming.

Charity's dad strokes his beard. “So Rob's dissented? Huh? Well, what's our motto?”

The group answers in unison. “I trust you.”

Hearing their deep voices speak that same fucking line at once sends chills up my spine. They don't say it like it should sound. It's evil to the core.

“Exactly. Not God, but men. Our trust extends to one another and is maintained until you break it.” Chaz grunts.
“And then like gods, we break
you
.”

I pull into myself, aiming to be as small as possible. I can't save Rob now, that's obvious, and that thought alone is enough to make me want to give up, let them do whatever the fuck they're going to do. I'm fucking worthless. But for some reason, I know I don't
want
to die. It's that simple. I tremble and know that this is the most fucked-up place I have ever been, and that I want out and that I want to live.

“Can we trust Vo-Tec?”

The room murmurs again. The word “no” is clear. I wait for my fate.

“
I
believe we can.”

I go lightheaded at Chaz's words and have to brace my head in my hands, elbows on knees.

More murmurs but Chaz silences them. “First, he did well with the Hungarians. They know his face, and you know how they are about that.
Drink with us, you!
” He imitates the men and the room laughs. “Second, Johnny B likes him, and Johnny B is never wrong.” The room grunts agreement. “Third . . .”

The pause hangs in the air, and I release my head and look at Charity's dad. It's what he wants. It's what I'm supposed to do. And if there's any way for me to get out of this alive, I have to play along. Fuck, I know this, have lived it my entire life. There are rules and there is etiquette, and since I'm trash I'll never have the manners, but at the least I can behave like I'm supposed to.

“The boy can take a fucking hit and not spill the beans.” The men nod. “You all know the fists on Cam. What Vo-Tec just did takes some willpower.”

Cameron eyes me and it's a look mixed with anger and pride. It makes me want to spit in his face.

“You listen, Vo-Tec.”

I give Charity's dad my full attention, face throbbing and stomach churning.

“That's one mistake. You don't get any more. Got it?”

I nod.

“Good. Now, is Dave right, is Rob at the gym?”

I hesitate a moment, short enough so that there is no question about my loyalty, but long enough for me to know that I've given up on myself. “Yeah. He'll be there until about nine.”

Chaz smiles. “Thank you.” He turns back to the group, and I feel like I've just turned my head while he pulled the trigger. What are they going to do to Rob?

“We'll do a drive-by, let Rob know that we miss him. The timing's perfect.” Charity's dad smiles and looks around the room. “Then it's on to storage and finally the warehouse.”

I don't know what he means and I don't care. All I can think about is the gym, what these fucks will do, and about Coach Dan and Rob and the rest. If there is any way, any fucking way I can make up for this, I will. No matter what it costs.

“Once we're there, you don't do shit unless I tell you.” Chaz looks to each man in the room. “And when I tell you, you fucking do it.”

His eyes fall to mine last, and I nod along with the rest.

“Let's roll.”

We pile out and I walk with Dave, who turns to me. “Yo, you had no choice. The way it is.” I have nothing to say. He clasps my shoulder. “Hop in with us.” I follow him and Marcus to the Mustang and get in back. Most of the gang gets on their bikes, and the noise is overpowering. A few slip into cars, Cam one of them, and I'm relieved to be separated. I touch my cheeks, which now distend so far they're visible, and they feel as big as ant hills.

Charity's dad takes point, and the line flows in a motorcade out of the park. I sink low into the backseat and watch the streetlights whip overhead. I try to pretend this is some movie, someone else's life, but it doesn't work.