Tap Out (34 page)

“Tell me, Tony, or you can forget about that scholarship. You can end up worse than you are now.”

I bite my tongue and taste blood. My eyes water, but I swallow and squint.

“Don't. Don't do this, Tony.” Big O's standing now.

I wipe my eyes on my sleeve and then stand as well.

Big O's on fire, face jumping, eyes popped. He's a grownup version of me, trying to save whatever he can. Well, not this time. I'm too far gone. I step into the main office.

“Antioch!”

The secretary doesn't look up at his bellow, just keeps typing away, and like her, I pass on by as if none of this is about me.

I thought I was amped before, but now I could rip someone's fucking face off. Who the fuck does Big O think he is? Pulling the scholarship card? That was my last fucking crumb, the only shred of hope I had, even though it was ridiculous. Even though Cam said what he did. For the past few days I've been thinking that maybe Big O could still make it happen. I'd have to get Cam out of the way, and that's monumental on its own. But I was willing to try. But now? What's the point? What will I gain? Absolutely. Fucking. Nothing.

I head toward the main lobby, and Rob juts his chin for me to come over. Like I need this now? His eyes are hard. “Tone, we need to talk.”

I lean against the wall, Big O's words echoing. Rob really means that I need to listen, but I've done all of that I can.
“Really? Right fucking now? Can't it wait until tonight?”

Rob shakes his head. “Tone, I'm out.”

My head throbs and I push off the wall. “What? You're what?
Out?
You can't get out.”

Rob stares me down. “You heard me. I'm not doing it. I'm not going tonight.” He takes a deep breath. “They can't make me.”

I laugh, because he's got to be kidding, but he doesn't smile.

“They can. Or they'll make you pay. Rob, they'll fucking kill you.”

He purses his lips. “No they won't. That's bullshit.”

My head is ready to burst. Does this asshole really believe what he's saying? “Bullshit or not, you're fucking going. I need your fucking help!”

“No, you don't. You need to step out, Tone. Get away.”

My throat tickles with laughter. “Where am I gonna go? I can't hide out at home, or at the gym, like you. Lost that fucking chance. Remember?”

He winces. “What did you want me to do? Tell Coach I'm in, too? He won't let me get mentored if I'm dealing. Then what do I do?”

“I don't know? Same shit as me. Nothing.”

Kids around us are watching, probably waiting for us to throw down.

“
Nuthin'?
You've got your scholarship, you're fine. So listen to me.”

Another layer of anger ignites and burns inside. “Fuck you, Rob! Don't you remember what I said about Cam?”

His eyes pop. “So what? That's just Cam talking shit like always. What's your deal?”

“That scholarship was a fucking
possibility
.” I breathe to
steady myself and get the words right. “It's gone now. Big O took it away.” I look Rob square in the eye. “Because I kept my fucking mouth shut, again. To protect myself, yeah, but also to protect you. And because of that I lost my chance, Rob.”

He opens his mouth, but nothing comes out.

“Exactly. That's all you do, watch out for your own ass. Don't even fucking think for a second about anyone else.” I press close to him and kids stop and watch. “It's the same shit with Amy. You only fucking cared about how that shit was going to fuck you up. Same shit with Jensen. You haven't even asked what the fuck I went through with him the other night. And now?” I run my tongue along my teeth. “What the fuck do you think's going to happen to me when you don't show? Don't you think they'll want to know what's up? Who the fuck do you think they're going to turn to?”

“Just lie. Or tell 'em I'm at the gym. Let them swing by there, see how the crew responds.”

His voice is like a little boy's and I'm repulsed. I shove him hard and he reels back. “The fuck's wrong with you?
Lie?
They'll know. Don't you remember who these motherfuckers are?”

Rob's eyes draw down to beads. Good. Let 'em swing. The way I feel I may just take his ass out. But he stays in place, just staring.

“
Swing by the gym?
You really want to do that to Coach and Amir and Phil and everybody else?”

He looks away.

“They've been by once with that deer. Or did you forget? Don't you remember how much that fucked up Coach? Least I had the balls to take the hit and save them this shit.”

Kids press in and I know soon enough Big O will be here, and I'm too hot to handle his scene. I have to get out. Plain
and simple. Fuck my douche teachers. Fuck Vo-Tec and Greyson. Fuck my future. “I always think of myself as a pussy because I never stand up for my mom, or for myself.” Rob tilts his head but doesn't look at me. “But now that I think of it, you're a pussy, too. I thought you were tough, but you're not. You're the same as me, hiding out when the shit hits the fan.”

Rob looks up now, and his face is one hundred percent disgust.

“Good luck. You'll need it.” I toss open the door, not caring that I've got nowhere to go. I'm out. All the shit I've been holding on to is gone and I just need to get through tonight. And even if I don't, not like it fucking matters.

F
uck, fuck, fuck. It's too cold to stay outside without a coat, so I head home. Not that I want to.

Mom's watching TV and jumps when I come in. “What's wrong?” She's wearing her pajamas still, an oversized sweatshirt, and stained sweats. It's 12:30.

I kick off my shoes. “I feel like shit.”

“Oh.” She hovers at the threshold, doesn't even notice that I'm shivering.

“I need to go to sleep.” I move past her.

“Tony?”

I don't want to turn around, but her voice is just so pathetic. “What?”

“Tonight? Still?” She points toward her room and as cold and tired and confused as I am, I look in. Cameron's snoring away. Must be his way of prepping: get a piece, sleep, and then go score.

I look at her and she looks ancient, far older than thirty-eight. Nothing in her life has helped her stay young. Including me. Thank God she never got pregnant again. Well, at least didn't have any more kids. Maybe taking out Cam will help. Doubt it, though. I'll probably succeed in getting myself killed. Least I won't have to work so fucking hard for nothing to show. “Tonight.”

She smiles. It's been a while. My insides roil, again.

Somehow I fell asleep. I don't know how with the way my mind was racing, but I managed to and now feel more calm. It's dark outside though, so I've got only a little time left, and still no plan. I guess I'll just take him out when he's not looking. Maybe get one of the Hungarians to fuck him up. But how? Fuck, I just have to see how this shit plays out. Maybe the bikers are using him. Maybe I can just get one of them to do it. Shit, what the fuck am I thinking? They might just be planning on doing the same to me.

I slide my feet to the floor and sit up. The TV's loud as fuck down the hall, so Cam must be up. Smells like something's cooking, which is good. I haven't eaten all day. I rub my face and then let my hands drop. My left touches down on my mattress. My mattress. With no sheet. Huh? I look down. The sheet's been pulled back. No. No, fuck no.

I scramble and lift the mattress and it's gone. My money's gone. I check the other corners, nothing. I look under the bed and around my closet. My room's too clean for it to be lost. It's gone and I know who took it.

I crack through my accordion door and my mom's standing at the stove, burgers frying in a pan. Cam's in front of the TV watching some sports shit. Doesn't even look at me. “Where is it?”

My mother jumps, drops the spatula, and turns to me. “Tony, you scared the shit out of me. I didn't know you were . . .”

“Where is it?”

Cameron looks up, I'm so loud.

“Where's what?” She wipes her hands on her sweats.

I step toward her. “My fucking money!”

She looks down, then at Cameron and back to me. “What are you talkin' 'bout?”

Cameron stands and shuts off the TV.

I ignore him and keep my eyes on her. “Don't fucking pretend like you don't know!”

She looks away, and I feel Cam draw closer.

“Tony, I don't. I have no idea . . .” My mom's hands fly before her.

“What, did you find it the other day when you were cleaning? Huh? What did you do with it?”

“Tony, I swear. I don't know what you're talking about.” She shakes.

I know I should take it down a notch, but I can't, I've lost the capacity to control myself. “The fuck you don't.” She cringes and I don't feel bad. And why should I? She's been fucking up my life ever since she gave it to me.

Cameron grunts behind me, but this isn't about him, so I focus on Mom, who cowers against the stove.

“You fuck everything up. You picked Dad, and that was a fucking disaster, had me, and we ended up
here
, in this shit hole. Then you started fucking what's his name and drinking all the time.” She looks up, her face horrified. “What, you think because I was little I don't remember?” She lowers her head. “Then it was the next douche and you started getting high.” I can see these men in my mind, looming, towering from my child's perspective. “What did you do with me? Nothing! I just existed and you never once acted like a mother.”

Cameron grunts again. My face is in flames and I feel on the verge of tears, but I can't stop. Something's broken inside me.

My mother slouches, and I decide to finish her off. “Now you expect me to help you. Do your fucking dirty work.”

She looks up and her eyes are wild. The meat crackles and pops, grease smacking the wall behind her. She stares at me like a cornered animal.

“That's right. You know I don't
have to
. And then what? What the fuck are you going to do? You'll be stuck. You'll have smoked up all the money you stole from me and where will that leave you?”

Her body trembles and she turns to the stove, shoves the pan off the burner, and then holds her temples as if keeping her head glued together. Cameron mumbles something and I turn to ask what, but in the same instant, see her flash toward the stove and turn. She charges and the frying pan's cocked like a tennis racquet. She swings and I dodge it, but she cuts with a backhand and clips my chin. Her eyes are pinned on me, and she's frothing at the mouth. I spin away and when I turn she's looking to split my head open. I dodge, again, and the momentum of the swing pitches her forward. I seize the chance and kick out her legs. She tumbles to the ground, the pan pinned by the edge of her shoulder. And without thinking, I'm on her back and have her in a rear choke.

She bucks and twists and spits. “You fuck! You little fuck! You can't do this!” But I squeeze tighter because I can, and because I have to. She stops squirming, her face shifting from red to purple, and I release some of the tension. This is beyond fucked, but all I can think about is how I'm going to get the pan. Because if she rolls once I'm off, I won't be clear, and she'll fucking wail me.

Then a hand reaches down and touches the handle. “Let it go.” She shakes her head, and Cameron grabs her wrist. “Let it go before I break this.”

She shakes her head again, and I just watch Cameron's hand, silently hoping he'll go through with it.

“Your choice.” He hooks his fingers into the underside of her wrist and squeezes, the muscles in his arm contracting and holding, applying increasing pressure.

My mom whimpers, twitches beneath me, fighting, but ultimately screams and lets go. Cameron snatches up the pan, grips it, and shakes it as if taking aim. Beneath me I can see my mother's eye bulge and feel her body tighten. My own stomach seizes. I've all but released her and Cameron laughs, launching the pan across the room. It lands with a clatter somewhere on the counter and I sit up. My mother lies on the floor, eyes closed, breathing heavily. Cameron extends a hand to me. “Good work.”

I look up and he's no different than all the boyfriends from the past, and I'm still a child, vulnerable and pathetic. But at least this time he's helping me. I take his hand. He hoists me up, and we both look down at my mother.

“We might as well get set. We can eat with the boys.”

I nod and turn away, head to my room. Once inside, I sit on my bed and cup my head in my hands. What the fuck just happened?