Taking Chances (35 page)

“You guys ready
to go?” He asked, pulling Bree up from the chair.

“We're going
somewhere?” I tried not to frown, they were all right, I needed to get out.

“Just having a
day out, you girls need it.”

Bree and I
looked at each other and started walking for the door. Mom and Nana had their
own day out planned and gave us strict instructions not to come back until the
earliest, ten. Thirteen hours away from the house, and away from Chase's
things. I had to take a few deep breaths before continuing out the door.
Brandon sat in the back with me, but stayed against the door on his side and I
was glad for it. I appreciated how he'd been there for me since last Saturday
morning, but I was afraid with how much I'd fallen into his arms during my
emotional break downs, he would think I wanted him physically closer to me all
the time.

Other than the
music that was turned down low, the car ride to the beach was completely
silent. We trudged towards the shore, Bree and I continued walking until we
were a few feet from the tide while Konrad and Brandon set down the blanket and
stood waiting for when we came back.

“I'm sorry I
checked out Bree, I haven't even asked how you're doing since the funeral.”

“I'm dealing,”
she sniffed and wiped at her cheeks, “you?”

I thought about
that for a few minutes, “I'm really not sure. I thought I preferred being numb,
but I can't live that way forever. Even after this short time since you and
Brandon rescued me, I can see how bad it would be for me to continue on like
that.”

“Chase wouldn't
want us to be like this.” she grabbed my hand and echoed Brandon's words from
earlier, “It's going to hurt for a long time, probably forever, but you know
he'd kick our asses if all we did was sulk.”

I cried out a
small laugh and squeezed her hand tighter.

“We need to try
to move on Harper, for him.”

“Then that's
what we'll do.” I sighed.

Konrad took
Bree for a walk when we joined back up, and I settled onto the blanket with
Brandon.  

“Brandon?”

“Hmm?”

“Don't take
this the wrong way, but why are you here?”

His face fell
slightly, “Do you want me to leave?”

“No. No, of
course not. But you should be in Arizona, you should be dating again. Not here
comforting the girl that broke your heart.”

“I told you
last weekend –”

“I know what
you said, but I can't be anything more than your friend Brandon. You should be
out finding someone that will make you happy.”

“Harper.” He
sighed and lay back on the blanket, one arm behind his head, the other draped
across his stomach where his shirt had ridden up.

“You have no
idea how much I appreciate you being here, but I can't do this to you.”

“If you don't
want me around, then I'll leave Harper. But not because you think you're
holding me back from something.”

“What about
Arizona? What about your mom and Jeremy? You need to go home.”

He glanced over
at me, then back to the sky, “I was going to tell you that morning in the
kitchen, before the day went to hell. They moved out here to be closer to my
Dad's side of the family.”

“So they're
here in San Diego?”

“Carlsbad. Mom
bought a house and shipped everything here over the last month, once Jeremy's
school year ended, they moved.”

“Oh.”

“Look Harper,
if all you want from me is a friend, then that's what I'll be. But you need me,
I'm not going anywhere.”

I leaned back
on my elbows and closed my eyes, letting the rays soak into my skin, “I need
you to live your own life.” I whispered.

“I am.” he
rolled over and got on his knees, leaning over me. “This is where I want to be,
I
need
you
too.”

He softly
kissed his way from my forehead, to my temple, to my cheek and finally my neck
before his whole body went rigid and he sucked in an audible breath. Getting
up, he shrugged out of his shirt and started toward the ocean. I tried not to
look at him, but my eyes betrayed me. While he walked towards the water I
admired the muscles that stretched across his strong shoulders and arms. He was
far enough away now that I couldn't be sure, but I thought I saw some more
tattoos, and frowned when I saw a large bruise on his waist spreading to his
back. Not that I had a right to know anything about his life anymore, but I
hadn't known he started again. I'd never asked him to stop fighting when we
were together, but I think my freak out after the fight that had landed him in
the hospital had pushed him to quit. After walking out a ways into the water,
he dove under some waves and tread for a few minutes before coming back to
shore and the blanket. 

“I'm sorry, I
shouldn't have done that.”

I knew what he
was apologizing for, though I didn't want him to. I couldn't handle him
pressing his lips to me again either, but I hadn't responded to the kisses, and
he knew we could only be friends. “For cooling off? You should be, it's hot out
today and I don't have a suit.” I turned to look at him, his face was guarded,
but his eyes were thankful.

“We can go stand
in it, if you want?”

Bree and Konrad
were still nowhere in sight, and it
was
actually really warm today.
“Okay.” I stood up and headed out, thankful Bree had picked out shorts for me
today, that way I could go in a little further without soaking my clothes. “Oh
my God, it's freezing!” I screeched and back away. “I change my mind, it's not
that hot out.”

Brandon grabbed
my hand before I could make it far and slowly pulled me back into the water. I
squealed again when it hit my ankle but bit the inside of my cheek and kept
going.

“Still bad?” He
grinned and I almost lost myself in that smile. I hadn't seen him smile wide
enough for his dimple to show in a very long time, I was glad for it now.

My teeth
chattered and I nodded my head vigorously, I started to wrap my arms around my
waist when I felt something, “Ha! I don't think he likes it much either.”

“What's he
doing?”

“Come here.” I
put one of Brandon's hands on my stomach and watched his face over my shoulder.
His strong chest and abs were pressed against my side and I allowed myself to
relax into him. My gummy bear continued on his kick boxing lesson for a few
minutes, and I smiled at feeling him move inside me. I'd been so out of it, I
hadn't even been paying attention to if he moved.

Brandon continued
to stare at my growing belly, his hand slowly moving so the kick hit perfectly
into his hand each time. “I think you're wrong.” He said softly.

“What do you
mean?”

“I'll bet he's
happy you're in the water. He's gonna be a little surfer when he gets older.”
He smiled sweetly at me.

“Oh is he now?”
I touched the other side of my stomach and spoke, “Hate to burst your bubble
little guy, but Mommy doesn't know how to surf. Sorry.”

“I'll teach
him.”

My heart kicked
up in pace, this conversation with the way we were positioned was now too
intimate. Brandon must have realized it as well because he dropped his hand and
stepped back a few feet. 

“So,” he said
breaking the silence, “you said you think he'll be early?”

“Yeah. Did I
tell you the Doctor said he was measuring big and developing quickly?”

Brandon nodded.

“Well there's
that, and I mean, I know everyone's bodies respond differently to pregnancy,
but I'm a lot bigger than I'm supposed to be. I'm afraid I'm gaining too much
weight.”

“You still look
perfect, nothing about you has changed except for your stomach growing out.”

“But I looked
at pictures of other expecting mothers, and I'm as big as the women that are
twenty eight weeks. And that was when I looked over a week ago when I was only
twenty two weeks. I didn't even really look today,” I frowned when I realized
how long it'd been since I paid attention to what was going on with my gummy
bear. I didn't even know where my
What To Expect
book was anymore, “but
this shirt is tighter than it was...I think I wore it the day before the
funeral.”

“Harper, I
promise you look beautiful. I honestly think you've looked more beautiful over
the last couple months than I've ever seen you. And that's saying something.
You're probably just going to have a big baby, I mean Chase was over six feet,
it makes sense. Just be glad your son won't be short like you.”

I laughed, and
it felt so good to laugh I wish it would have gone on longer. “Jerk.” I socked
his arm pathetically. “I'm average height...kinda.” Brandon loved how small I
was, since my body fit perfectly into his when we curled up with each other.
But that didn't stop him or any of the other guys from constantly making fun of
me and Bree for being short. It wasn't my fault Brandon was over a foot taller
than me.

He held his
hands up in mock surrender, “Just saying. Can you imagine having a boy that
small? Girl, sure, but not a boy.”

“I guess you're
right.” I smiled and reached out to interlace my fingers with his, immediately
dropping my hand to my side when his look made me realize what I was doing,
“I'm kind of tired, I'm going to take a nap.”

Brandon stared
at me with an expression I couldn't name before he sighed and turned toward the
beach, “I'll come with you.”

I stood there,
heart aching, “This is why we can't do this. I can't be around you without
slipping back into how we were.”

“I want –” He
breathed heavily through his nose and dropped his head, fists on his narrow
hips. “Harper,” he began again, turning to face me and stepping close, too
close, “that should tell you something.” His big hands curled against my cheeks
and I had to force my head not to respond.

When he was
standing this close, I couldn't think clearly. Covering his hands with my own,
I pulled them down and stepped away, “I can't Brandon,” tears started falling
down my cheeks, “I can't handle this. Not right now.” He just died. The father
of my baby
just
died. It didn't matter if I loved Brandon too, that
would be a slap in the face to Chase's memory and his family. I started back up
the beach and when I spotted Bree and Konrad watching us, took off running
towards them.

Bree hugged me
fiercely, when I pulled away she gave me a knowing look. I didn't ask what she
thought she knew, just helped them fold up the blanket so the four of us could
go out to eat. Brandon didn't touch me again, other than to hug me goodbye late
that night. It hadn't been awkward during lunch, the movie or dinner, we still
spoke and laughed with Konrad and Bree, we were just aware of that invisible
line we had to make sure we didn't cross.

T
he front door
shut and my heart started racing. I forced myself to remain calm and slowly
finish getting ready for the day, but my body was aching to go downstairs.
Brandon had come over every day since operation Get Bree and Harper Out of the
House two weeks ago, and I’m reluctant to admit I craved the hours he was here.
He tried to give me space by spending a good chunk of time with Konrad, Bree
and Mom, but whenever I would glance up, his eyes would be on me and I always
seemed to gravitate toward him. Having him near made my days better and chest
lighter, as soon as he left for the night I’d struggle with anxiety until I
could curl up in Chase’s old bed and grip one of his shirts that smelled like
him. I felt pathetic, but I was getting a little better each day. We all were.

“Harper, you
decent?”

My breath
whooshed out of my body and I gripped the vanity counter. That voice. God, that
voice was like home to me. “Yeah, I’m in the bathroom.”

He rounded the
corner and handed me a mango protein smoothie, “If you already ate, you don’t
have to drink that.”

I did, but I
was already hungry again and greedily sucked down some of the delicious icy
mix. “Thank you.” I said with a moan.

Brandon laughed
and rubbed my stomach, “What’s up buddy?”

“He’s feisty
this morning.” I took another sip and started braiding my hair over the top of
my head and down to the side, putting the long length back in a messy bun
before grabbing my cup again. “How are you?” My eyes met his in the mirror and
he didn’t answer at first.

“I’m good.” His
husky voice was soft. He offered his hand and helped me stand up, wrapping an
arm around me, “How are you Harper?”

“I–I’m fine.” I
glanced at his chest rapidly rising and falling, then his mouth and finally
back to his eyes, “Thanks for coming today.”

“I’ll always be
here.” His fingers brushed along my bare neck and he leaned down slowly.

“Brandon,
don’t.” I pleaded.

He stopped
abruptly and removed his arms as he took a few steps away, “I’ll uh, be
downstairs.”

“Brandon.”

“Yeah?” His
back was still turned to me.

“I can’t be
with you.”
I want to so bad, you’ll never have any idea how bad
, “We
can’t keep doing this to each other.”

“I know, I
just…I know.” He sighed and walked out of my room.

“I love you so
much.” I whispered once the door was shut.

After a few
minutes, I walked downstairs and cursed myself for putting my hair up when my
cheeks heated at the sight of him. He smiled softly and gestured for me to join
him at the table where he was playing cards with Konrad and Bree.

“Morning
friend.”

“Morning Kid.”

“Hey guys, good
morning.” I rubbed my stomach and sat next to Brandon, when the other two went
back to their conversation, I grabbed his hand and leaned into his side,
“Please don’t be mad at me. I just can’t do it.”

He rubbed his
thumb over the top of my hand, squeezed it and let it go, “I’m not mad at you,
I’m frustrated that I can’t stop making you uncomfortable.”